I loved David, him and I were meant to be together, we've only known eachother a year but when I confessed I cheated on him last night when he was angry he said "You don't know how close I came to asking you to marry me, now I don't ever want to hear from you again" I don't blame him, but I do wish he'd forgive me. I don't know why I even did it! I was drunk and never wanted this to happen. I think in my completely drunken state of irrationality I was hurt because he left on Friday night after getting here when he had to leave because his mom got sick. I waited all day Saturday to see if he was able to come back, but he didnt. So I drank and drank til I barely recal the miserable events that unfolded. I slept with this guy off the net when he dumped me before because I drank too much. I really absolutely didn't like this interent guy, I felt really used before when he came over before, but looking at the IM history he basically asked if he could come over for oral sex, and I said yes! I DON'T KNOW WHY !!! I can't stand myself, why the hell did I do that! I love david and never EVER wanted to hurt him, but I did, I threw away the love of a lifetime because I have poor coping mechanisims and an alcohol problem.
On top of that, while the interent guy was here, David tried calling me 9 times saying he wanted to visit that night
I called him way too much and he answered finally and said he cant stand the thought of me, ever again. He said he would not forgive me, that he wants to keep his dignity and cut me out of his life forever. That the only reasion he answered his phone was because I kept calling. I can't move on though, the last time he broke up with me I was paralyzed with grief pretty much, I couldnt eat and got down to 80lbs, I couldnt sleep I just layed in bed and cried for the two months it took for him to come around again. I don't know how he could ever forgive me after this, but I NEED HIM TO, I can't live without him even though he can me now. What can I do, do you think he'll be back in my life or should I check myself into a psych hospital?
