Rickster

I finally figured out whats the fear in me calling her. I just do not know what to say to her. The situation is difficult because we now have different set of friends and we go to different colleges and we don't see each other and go to the same places. I mix around the friends that we knew in school. But she hardely keeps in touch with them. Im just finding it difficult to talk about something.

Ive got it all planned out but Im afraid of calling her. Just a feeling I don't know why.

Rascal - "you're delusional" is that meant to be good or bad? And why do you say I'm from that quote?

Yo - Has she met him in person? And how can she say that she has a great time with him when they are in separate countries? I don't understand the situation.

Could someone help me out please?

I haven't called my ex for 8 days already. I feel like if I call her it might hurt me to hear her talk to me badly. I don't know why I have this feeling. Although after I have done what I've said in this topic, she hasn't talk to me badly. And I do not get hurt when she tells me shes with her bf or in her bf house or shes going out. Because I know that is what she wants, and shes happy, and if i go against it, its not going to come out with results or maybe even get worst. And if I do go against it, what Ive worked on will go to waste. And I understand why she would be with her bf. As for now I must be understanding, because I know if Im understanding and accept things, she will more likely accept me and the way I think.

Can someone give me words of advise to be more courageous to call her? Its the only way I can get closer to her but Im scared of doing so. [/b]

Im glad to hear that people like my thinking, shows that Im going in the right direction.

yo - sorry my first point to you is going to be a lecture. What dignity are you talking about? Which is more important, your dignity or getting your ex back. Certainly mine would be getting my ex back. You are not desperate, you just have feelings and you care and love her. If you were desperate, for a girl, then wouldn't you desperately grab any girl that comes your way?

She is engaged, doesn't mean married. I mean chances are low but you never know, you haven't tried so it's not time to give up.

I think the worst thing to do is to make her feel jealous that you get another girl. You just have to take it for now and listen to all the fun things she and her bf do. I said before its a good start that she atleast talks about something and especially her bf, because you never know if one day she might start talking about the things she hates about him. And that's when you start comforting her, or telling her thats not the way a girl should be treated and how you are so unlike that and how you would treat a girl. Then she would realise that she wants to be with you. I say just carry on talking. She would open herself more to you, she will start expressing her personal opinions.

Hey just look at it atleast she talks to you about her bf. My ex doesn't except for one occasion, which went well but I spoilt it because of my stupidity when I didn't know about all the things I wrote here.

I also forgot to add that she talking about her bf is good, it shows she has trust in you and comfortable in telling you what is going on. There is obviously some things she doesn't like about him but she will not tell you because you and her are still not that close. Every relationship is perfect.

Plus think about it, you are lucky, sometimes we just have to accept what we have at the moment and don't be so selfish to want everything, we are lucky for what we have and be grateful for it. Soon things will start to get better and better. Others aren't as lucky.

you could try looking at my thread

link removed

Beec, you are right not to be 'just friends', but we all have to start as being 'just friends' then carry on from there. It was torture for me to wait almost 6 months until i finally understood about what I was doing wrong.

As for Mattie, Im very impatient. Believe me I want to get back with her quickly. But just a reality check, theres no way you will get back immediately. But exactly what Beec said, just try and keep yourself occupied with something. So I try as hard as I can to mix around with her friends to distract me. Then I have something to talk about to her.

SuperDuper, it sounds like you have a good start. But she might be playing with you. I mean good start by talking to her about the problems she and her current bf is having. The more you talk about it the more she will realise why she is going out with a dweeb, and she'll like your attitude and thinking as to how a girl should be treated. I don't know, that is how I got my gf.

Im speaking from personal experience. My gf left me after 2 years of a happy relationship because I wasn't there for her in the same country and she found a new guy. However Im not in a position to say that it will definitely get your ex back, but atleast I think my ideas will atleast get you back as friends, and all relationships start from friendship. So you never know.

Anyway, I do not believe in the NC rule if you want your ex back. I only believe in the NC rule if you are completely sure you do not want your ex back as it will heal you. Why I do not believe in the NC rule if you want your ex back, is because friendship is built through conversations, I do not know any 'love at first sight' relationship. These kind of things only happen in movies. The NC rule still does apply but only to a certain extent.

Im sure everyone has gone into a depressed mood and you have expressed it to your ex (to try to tell your ex that you need him/her so much, another words persuade them to come back to you), but your ex is having none of it. So this is where NC rule applies. Use the NC rule for 1 month or slightly more. If she calls you you're off to a good start. If she doesn't call then call her. But you have to have a reason to call her, and please, let not the reason be persuading them to come back to you. I find that you have to forget the past, and even if you are still depressed and sad about what has happened, you have to show that you are happy and you've changed. Especially for guys, the girls love it when you joke around, so you got to show them that you have changed, and you're happy, that way your ex will slowly open up to you.

In the beginning stages your ex will not open up to you, when you talk like what you used to talk with her before, she will feel abit awkward and will not trust you to be a friend and also because of the pressure of her new bf she will try to keep the conversation very limited. She will not share her opinions, and personal information and mutual question with you. The idea is to start a conversation that she will share her opinions, personal information and mutual questions, so that a conversation can get going and in this way friendship will build.

Whenever you call her, have an important reason to call her and tell her the reason, the reason shouldn't be too personal but involves the things both of you know. And then let the conversation wander off from there. DO NOT ask questions like, "what are you doing", "where are you going", "why are you going there", "who is going with you". I ve done that and it push me even further away from her. First of all, you want to show her that you just want to start from friends, you have no control and no right to control what she does or where she goes, by asking her those questions she doesn't trust that you just want to be friends, and it sounds like you are a control freak, which is in my opinion no way a relationship should ever be. If you have nothing else to say then tell her you have to go. Do not prolong a conversation that is empty. By ending the conversation, it also shows you have moved on and you are not thinking about her too much, and the most important thing that you've showed her is, you have changed.

DO NOT call her everyday! This will make her think that you haven't changed, and she will be less receptive when you talk to her. Also the pressure from her new bf will build up on her and will make her not want to talk to you even more. Call her every now and then. Like once or twice a week. This will show her that you are busy and moved on.

Another thing that I do is to mix around with the friends that she knows. If you mix around the friends that she knows, you never know when you might be able to see her again, plus you have more things to talk about, because both you and her know who or what you are talking about. Im very sure your ex has talked about the breakup with some friend. So if your attitude around her friends is happy and cheerful and funny, the information perceived by her friends will be passed on to her. So she will think that you've changed. DO NOT tell any friend that you are still sad and depressed on this situation, you can never trust them no matter how close the friend is. Also if her friends still ask "oh, so are you still depressed", or "how is it with your ex" just reply them like its over and you don't care about the situation. And do not keep talking about your ex infront of her friends. All of these minor details will be collected by her friends and it will pass on to your ex. Trust me the situation is the same with me.

The key things are to show her that you've changed, and open her up to you. Once you've got these 2 things, she will trust you more and then conversation may get more personal, and that's probably when she might start calling you. When she starts calling you it's a good sign.

Like before I was all depressed about the situation my ex didn't want to talk to me at all. She would reply me with 1 word and not even come out with things to talk about and worst of all she wouldn't even concentrate with what I would say by talking to other people while I was on the phone with her. But after mixing around with the friends both of us know, Im very sure them friends must have passed on the information that I've changed, and I also have something to talk about to her which I find it such an easy topic to talk about because we are in different colleges. So we don't see the same things, the events are different and new friends. It makes it so difficult for me to come up with something that both of us can contribute to a conversation. Currently, she talks to me as a friend, but not a close friend. Atleast she contributes something to the conversation and asks me a few questions here and there. Hopefully with a few more phone calls her trust in me will continue to build.

You can see my other posts in this forums, Ive been really depressed about this, but now I see a different side of it and its really working out well. Even superdave knows how depressed Im. What do you think of my opinions?

I don't think my ex left me so that she could look down on me in pain. Only later on when I started being all crazy she would treat me really badly. But when the breakup just occurred she was sad about it too (she chose to break up with me)

The only thing that was wrong in our relationship was because we weren't in the same country(i moved away for studies)

Hey SuperDave!

don't know if you still remember me, but anyhow I took some time off replying in this forums and did some reality check on myself.

your words and the rest of the forums plus my sister has helped actually help me to a better start than what ive done before to try to get her back. yes NC has helped, i don't believe that it makes me stronger as im always weak without her, but i know it has done one important thing, it makes my ex feel like im approaching her as a friend(and not bugging her) and also makes her feel maybe, just abit of jealously, as in, why am i not calling her like everyday as i used to, to try and get her back. and it makes her think that ive changed.

all this while ive been taking the wrong approach to getting back this friendship with her. as relationships has to start from friendships. so bascially im starting right from the beginning.

i did a NC for 2wks. and when she came back from her holiday, i called her but not immediately and like after about 3 to 4 days i call her once with a cheerful voice and start talking about people that she and i know. and now i hang around alot of the people both of us know so it creates conversational fuel, as both of us go to different colleges. so far ive seen her once and that was for lunch when i called one of our old friend that both of us know, so it doesnt seem so awkward. and i would actually think she wouldnt pay a visit if i didnt call that friend. i think im goin the right way, like joking around with her, although her new bf goes around with her and he came along for lunch aswell. i think i pissed him off abit cause i took most of my ex's attention.

SuperDave is this the right thing? I mean my NC isn't like a month or more. It like 3 or 4 days before i call her. SuperDave please reply with your words of wisdom.

Thanks

"At this stage, it is suggested that you take some action instead of waiting. However, bare in mind, you could not make someone love you. If she still want you, she would accept you back."

Someone said that earlier in this thread. SuperDave do you think this is the right thing to do? Or do you still think NC will come out with better results.

Ive been doing NC for 2 weeks. And I always check up on her on the internet. Whenever I talk to her I always end up saying "as friends do" which like makes the conversation really awkward, cause Im trying to prove a point that we are friends now. So this is another thing to avoid. Don't try to prove you are her friend by saying it.

To yo... you almost have like exactly the same situation as me. Almost exact.

SuperDave sounds like you are really happy after your break up... You must be doing well in getting back with her. What if she never calls me after me doing all that NC? Theres something weird about me, I just don't want to forget about her, it's not that I can't but I just don't want to. She's really better than other girls (my opinion).

SuperDave i have so much to learn from your experiences. So you are saying I should use the NC rule now... im not sure how long she's been with him but Im guessing 6 to 7 months and as i said he is jealous that she talks to me or that i call and talk to her. So if i call her even more do you think she would ignore me or she might get irritated by him pestering her about me talking to her?

ladyV- i read your post. however, im not the best person to consult and that's why Im here. Im here to understand people's feelings and emotions and apply the best in my situation. sorry

ive tried not calling my ex for 5 days, it was tough work and after that i broke that chain cause I couldn't handle boredom(because when I was with her I let go all of my friends just so that she knew she was even more important than my friends and also to give more attention and time to her) and that feeling where you just want to know what she's doing(unexplainable). well now shes gone for a holiday out of the country so i can't contact her and havent for a week. somehow i just dont think this no contact isnt going to help. do you really think she will call me when she gets back, i think the possibility is low, and the stupidest thing i said before she left i asked her to text me a message to keep in touch like friends do when she goes there.

SuperDave or anyone else willing to help, i believe in my situation the no contact rule wouldn't work because there was this time where she called me and text me about computer parts and what-nots. and she told me after that like 2 days after that, that her boyfriend got angry at her doing that (jealousy i suppose). and thats why she will not call me or text me. and she said that if she ever goes and see me alone he will get really very angry at her.

Anonymous81.. not sure if i remember me. But we have like totally different issues. But anyway since Im here I thought it would be nice for me to contribute, and maybe later on I might get repaid in a different way.

Maybe she might be using you for your money since the other guy is short? Don't get all frustrated about this as Im not you and I don't know the situation.

I think you have a really cool head. It's a good and bad advantage. I think the best is to talk to her. Don't ignore her. She might not understand your feelings right now. Tell her although I don't mind you hanging or going to see him as a friend you still want her to show all her affection for you and not him. this is probably one of my biggest mistakes that Ive made that possibly ended my relationship with my girlfriend, getting angry at her chattin with other boys.

Emotions and feelings is like a language, you have to learn and intrepret it. And that's why Im here in this forum to learn from you guys. I wish there was a book that you can read.

SuperDave... you know what... Ive done all the things you've said not to do (that's cause you didn't write this up before) and your answers are totally right. Ive noticed it. If it wasn't for all my stupid actions that I did (and what you said not to do) I wouldn't be in even more sh*t than Im already now. Even before I read this post i slowly started to give her space thinking that if I do she will think of me as a friend and atleast she would still pick up my phone calls.

I love her very much and it hurts to hear her always with her new boyfriend. But I just take it eventhough sometimes it annoys me so much I go all frustrated and she kinds of notices from my words when I do call her. I call her everyday, once. And the plain simple reason is because I want her to know that I haven't forgotten her and it makes sure she hasn't forgotten me. I call her with a false pretence as a friend, but obviously I still love her but I try so hard not to show it. Hopefully, soon I will be able to handle my anger, and both of us can be close friends once again and then her feelings for me might come back...

Dave thanks. Although you should have written it earlier!!!

I'm very certain she is the one for me. That is why I try very hard, maybe too hard to get her back. I know for certain that she will make me happy and I know I do not want any other relationships. Yes, Im stubborn and persistent. Looking back at the past makes me feel like I didn't put the last drop of sweat into my relationship.

benevolent... I suppose tactics and or methods would not work, and the hardest thing for me to get back with her is that we already know each other and that my intention is to get back someone who doesn't love me anymore and not follow natures path. But benevolent, do you think in time to come that there might be a chance I can be with her again? I do not know why I like to weigh and measure and calculate things.

Im not sure if this is the right place to post this. But here it goes.

Before I went away to study overseas my girlfriend and I were together for 2 years already both loving each other. Although we did have fights, but then relationships always will encounter them. Some of the fights were for dumb small reasons or arguments. When I went away she found someone in her college someone else new that I do not know of and I felt so stress and I came back to my country for her again. But she rejected me saying reasons that she wasn't happy when we were together which I thought wasn't true because she always looked happy and always sounded happy whenever I had the chance to meet her in school and outside school. Another reason was that I got jealous very easily when she did talk to other boys and I was working on it not to be jealous for this reason. And she believed that this new person didn't get jealous at her when she talked to other guys. Another reason was (which I think was really dumb) she said that relationships where guys were younger than the girl will not work out and personalities clash.

For a long time I couldn't accept that she left me because for the fact that both of us were so happy together that I could see myself ending up with her later on. What I thought was that when I went away communication got more tough and thereforeeee her love in me declined althought I still loved her so very much and I was waiting for the day to arrive back. I couldn't accept it that I slit my wrists a couple of times. When I did come back and see her, she only wanted to be good friends and I told her that friends never work out and gave plenty of examples to prove myself which she couldn't doubt my examples. I didn't want to be friends I wanted to be more than friends. But she would not accept it. I must say looking back I mishandled the situation really badly, and if it wasn't for my attitude I would be slightly better off. By the way this is my first ever relationship with a girl.

After talking with my elder sister about every minute detail she advised me to be her friend eventhough your mind is thinking that you want a relationship. Atleast if she realises you are a friend she too would treat me like a friend and my sister advised me to gradually build the relationship from the start showing her that Ive changed to a different person and that I would not get jealous over small issues. If I wasn't her friend she probably would not pick up my calls and ignore me while talking or sound uninterested in my conversations and also aviod seeing me face to face (which she still does).

So I took my sisters advise to be her friend and slowly build it up from there. But the big problem now is that my ex's boyfriend gets jealous with her talking to me. And that is why she tries her best not to talk normally to me and not to meet me and doesn't reply my calls or texts I send her. Because the other time my ex called me to ask about computer issues and he got angry with that. And she even told me that she doesn;t me to go to her house to fix her computer cause her boyfriend said if you meet him alone(meaning me) I'll get really angry. So yeah, you get my point? If it was not for him she would atleast talk to me with abit more enthusiasm and not be rude and moody. And I don't expect her to call me or text me back, I just want her to talk to me normally and cheerfully. And for me hope that she will someday realise Im still for her.

I really want her badly, and Im persistent in whatever I do that will help me get back with her. And without this communication how is it possible to get back with her, let alone being friends. Currently, I talk to her almost like how we used to talk when we were together. Could anyone advise me in conversational techniques or any tactics, or in any way just get closer to a girl that used to love you but not anymore? I always see in movies that ex's do get back together... however those are just movies and they were scripted so that it would appeal to watchers. I think about her everyday and night since March. There is nothing more I want than her. Everything I do it's for her, like the only reason Im going to college again is because I can see her and there are things to discuss about because of the similarities of education. Other than that I do not know why Im starting back college again. Im doing everything I can to get back with her.

Please help!!! I require loads.

Thank you in advance and all your help is appreciated.

I wish I had come to this forum earlier. In my relationship we had alot of communication when I was in the same place as my girlfriend. Communication from school and on the phone late at nights.

We had commitment and trust. But the only thing was that when she talked to another boy I feel jealous she might like him, that was my final step to gain her full trust, but I didn't know why my attitude was like that and I hated it, and was willing to change.

I always put her in my 1st priority. Everyone asked me, what is my first priority, I said my girlfriend comes first then other things. Everyone told me it should be the other way around. But Im different and I do like it that she comes first.

I never could involve my family. It just that in asia, parents can't accept relationships when you are still young and studying. They would go berserk if they had found out, but I think they did because they could see it from my eyes.

We used to laugh alot and make alot of jokes about other people

And we made things for each other and wrote little messages for each other, and wrote in a little diary kind of thing of how we felt about each other and ourselves. I remember making a hardcover book for her telling her why I love her.

Now that Im so far away we lack the communication, and because of the lack of communication we lack the trust and commitment, and her internet broke down, and later she just didn't want me. Shes now always angry with me.

I don't know what she had thought when I was with her. She probably thought that I didn't love her as much or something. But all the I love you's and the i miss you's that I said before I really meant it to her. Now when I say that to her either she keeps quiet or says ya. I have told her that I really love her so much. I feel so lost without her, all my school work and everything that I did is all going down the drain, because I don't know if she had noticed, I devoted everything to her.

All she comes out now is excuses that what I had done wrong in our relationship, and it's true, but then the only way to learn from life and relationships is by making mistakes, I can't learn all of this is school, they don't teach such things.

And now when she likes some other guy, it makes me even sadder, and she says shes more happy with him, and when we were together she wasn't happy, which isn't true, because if she thought that she was unhappy being with me, then why did she carry on our relationship for 2 more years. I hated my attitude before but Ive changed, as Im older and have experienced the mistakes.

Ive had 3 people including myself that have gone through long distance relationship and in the end they break up. I don't think its possible. Because your partner would have done so many things without you, and it hurts for them not to see you, and in the end the more time that they spend with their friends the more they love someone else. I think the thing that affects long distance is education. I had a dilemma, whether to choose her or my education, and I sadly chose education. I was so dumb to pick that. I wish I had stayed in the same country as her to study. Then I can spend time with her, because not only trust is important in a relationship but for some reason you need to spend time with them. Trust me, phone calls are different from seeing, touching, feeling, and just being next to the someone you love.

I still cannot get over her. I love her so much, I don't intend to get over her. She means alot to me, and I hope by the time I get back she would realise what Ive done and what we could have been, and how much I put into the relationship by not loving some one else while we were away.

In the end they just don't work

I know for me its so difficult. I don't consider myself broken up with her. I can't concentrate on my education without her. I love her so much I cannot and will not let her go. I cry and regret every morning why I went overseas to study. It was my biggest mistake ever. But i need to spend time with her and I think thats the only way I can win her back.

Hey

Well Im not going to see her for 9.5 months by the time I get back. Its already been 8 months. And she says that she kind of likes someone else. But Ive spent 2 years and 8 months with her and we had so many happy moments together. She says she doesn't have feelings for me now. But when I arrive home and see her do you think she will be happy to see me and notice how much I love her, and missed her, and all the work I did for my education was for her so that I could go back and see her. Do you think she might love me once more when she sees me? She hasnt seen my face for 9.5 months

I really love her

You aren't very faithful in your relationship. I don't think you love her enough that you can stop flirting. If you did love her you would think about her feelings.

I don't feel that you respect her. As long as she loves you and nobody else at that time she loves you sex has got no problems. I had this problem and I broke up with my girlfriend, but I couldn't take it not being with her and we got back together the next morning because I really loved her and she did too. I think love is more important than sex.

I also feel that you treat her unfairly in that you have had previous sexual relationships and it bugs you that she has had previous sexual relationships.

I have told her about it. But even if it was the tiniest chat I would go jealous. I do trust her on anything she has to say, but I have no idea why I feel this way. This attitude in me is making her not like me, because she likes to talk to people, whether girl or boy, but because she sees me angry or sad and thats why she has to control herself not to talk to other people.

Thank you for what you have said. Ill give it a thought