smJackson

I feel much better about you today. No tears have fallen today. I dont even miss you as bad. I can feel myself detaching slowly, but i can still feel the change. Prayer works wonders. And so does acceptance. I know that I will still have good days and bad ones. I have some serious unmet sexual needs but I know that sleeping with you will have me in my feelings again. Id rather get a FWB with no attachment, even though im not built for fwb-- i almost always catch strong feelings for my sexual partners.I know Id forget about you faster if i slept with someone else- but truth be told, I want you. I miss you. I do have my eyes on a guy that i am physically attracted to for my sexual needs but i feel no need to rush anything. I am more concerned about being able to catch up on these bills, raise these kids, and healing the proper way over you. Its a must that i lose this 40 lbs so that i will look and feel better about myself-- after all, i am what i attract. I put the rest of my ex husbands stuff out and had his car towed away yesterday. I guess it came too little, too late. It felt so good taking out the trash-- I'm going to be moving away soon so it was long overdue. I'm cooking turnip greens, cabbage and cornbread tonight, hamburger helper for the kids. I wish that I could invite you over to join us. Your lack of faith in me convinced me not to. I look forward to being alone and on my own and in a new home. I look forward to healing and meeting the man of my dreams one day. Getting married. Loving deeply and allowing myself to be loved. No memories of you and a fresh start for all of us. I won't be back on this thread for a while. I've got to go get my life and my future and stop pining here over you. I can't wait until July 1st.

I made it through my first night of NC since being back on American soil. It actually wasn't so hard at all. I feel so exhausted mentally from our former relationship that even though I long for you terribly at times, I have moments of peace that make staying NC worth it. I just feel rejected and unloved the more that we have contact and that makes it easier for me to stay away from you than anything. Acceptance makes it easier as well. I've been job searching and house shopping online yesterday. I'm so serious about moving away from you and getting a fresh start- I didn't realize that all I ever really wanted out of life was to have my own family, my own home, and to be loved- considering that most of my family are laid out in the cemetery and I feel so alone in the world. I will continue to stay NC. I Brought you a souvenir back from the old country but I'd have to contact you to get it to you and I refuse to do that anymore. If by some chance, we reconcile or meet up, I'll give it to you. Staying home from work today to recuperate from the cruise and heartbreak I'm experiencing. I feel so low, but the good news is that I can only rise and go up from here. I put a stick it on my mirror that says love yourself more, love him less. It's a daily reinforcement that is needed and very helpful in me remaining NC. ☺

My ship just docked here at Port Miami. I am so relieved to be back in Los Estados Unidos. But I am also riddled with anxiety at the same time. This is where the real test begins. I look forward to meeting with Daevon, a personal trainer that I met on Facebook who has agreed to take me under his wing and help me get my body back. I look forward to going back to the hall this week and getting back to my church services. I'm apprehensive about what the future holds for me but change has to come. I look forward to just learning how to be alone for the first time in my life. I look forward to working to love myself a while lot more and you a whole lot less. I will continue to pray each night that I will stop loving you. Because as long as you call, I know I'm so weak for you that I will respond. I pray that I can stay away from you long enough to leave the city for good. Lord knows that we had a very passionate sex life-- if you do call, even if you don't mention sex, just hearing your voice will arouse some feelings in me and I can't deny that. Time to go. Let me pray now.

I am so sick and tired of feeling conflicted. Im sick and tired of hurting inside over you. These emotions are overwhelming. What's so crazy is that I usually had a backup plan in place or atleast a good rebound in place in times past. Well, I'm much too old for that foolishness now. I want a husband. Not just any husband either. I need structure and stability and so do my kids. I have always worked and provided for myself and my kids financially. But ive never felt loved. A lifetime of instability is taking it's toll on me physically and mentally. I just don't know how much longer that I can go on feeling this way. I have lived without love for 4 decades and its taking its toll on me. Something has to happen and quickly. I had a mild heart attack last month but next time I may not be so lucky to survive. I never met a man that was willing to accept my autistic child and I didn't expect you to be any different. Considering what you said about him. I have a mental disability and my child has a disability. So life seems so overwhelming at times. But I realized Thursday that I cannot count on you. I cannot lean on you in any way. You are preoccupied with another woman. You dont love me anymore. Any continued contact with you is detrimental. We are bad for each other. For the sake of my sanity and my health, I'm staying away from you. I can't say that if you request to see me that I won't come. But I have zero plans to call you or text you. I have sexual needs but I'd rather find me a FWB that I have no attachment to. It's not what I want but I struggle with detaching from you as it is and I still need a mans touch from time to time. I ask you if you're seeing someone else and you refuse to answer that question. So with me knowing that you're seeing someone else, I have given up on reconciliation and I love you too much to be a FWB with you. I know the only way that I can make a clean break is to move 400 miles away and change my phone number. Only time and distance will allow me to get over you. When I get home, I will begin my job search and apartment search in Atlanta. I'm going to reapply at my work at home job too. When I secure a job and a new place in Atlanta, I'm disappearing without a word, deactivating my Facebook and changing my phone number. And my daughter will also. I'm so over all this hurting and I feel myself becoming hardened to this thing called life.

I miss you terribly. I miss the way that you used to love me. I really wanted you to be my husband because I felt so safe and loved with you. I miss lying in your arms. I actually cooked you a meal but instead of bringing it to you, I ate it myself. I just feel broken inside and yet I still long for you. Your touch, your smell. I fluctuate between anger and despair, hating you and never wanting to see you again to missing you terribly. Time for me to get on my knees and pray to lose all feelings for you. I did this with my kids father and it's been granted. Ive never loved someone like this and it's causing me to decline mentally. When I get home from this cruise, I'm going to stay NC. If you call me, I know I will answer. If you touch me, or look at me like you used to, I will become highly aroused and sex is imminent. I love you so much but I'll never tell you that again.

Tonight was the LAST time that you will tell me that I don't matter. Because tonight, for the first time, I HEARD YOU. I really heard you loud and clear. Clearer than anything I ever heard you say. I feel a sense of relief. We won't be arguing anymore, hurting each other anymore. There won't be any more sexual contact with us and I feel that our bond is broken beyond repair. I regret breaking no contact but I was still drawn to you because I thought you still loved me. I thought that if i overcame my fears and changed my living situation, you would be there. That was a reassurance that i needed but you couldnt give me and wouldnt give me. Without that, i felt the pressure and your lack of confidence didnt make my fears any better. I know you have someone else and you don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm running far away, to Atlanta to get away from you. It would hurt too much to even be in the same city as you and I need a clean break from you not to mention a fresh start. The highs and lows have exhausted me mentally and I'm out of gas. I'm left feeling lethargic from your constant criticisms and lack of faith in me. I have nothing else in me to give or even attempt where you are concerned. Before I let you destroy me or I destroy myself, I'll tap out. I can't even cry as upset as I am, but ACCEPTANCE is key. It's just not going to work. WE ARE NEVER GOING TO WORK. I don't have any support and rather than self destruct, it's time for me to leave and go where my support system is. I feel a huge sense of relief. The burden of holding on to you is too heavy and so I have let you go in my mind and now in my heart. We have reached our expiration date. I'm so numb that I can't even cry because I knew this was coming soon. It's time to move away and disappear from my city and you were the last person that kept me there even though you weren't aware. Never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you is real. I had hoped for a different outcome for us, But the truth is that I was very afraid. I spent so many years with a man that didn't love me, when someone finally did come along that tried to love me, it was foreign. I didn't know how to receive love or give it. I've gone through 40 years of my life feeling unloved and that was normal to me. It hurts to know that you don't care about me anymore but I'm used to it. Will I miss You? Of course I will. But no amount of loneliness in the world will allow me to contact you and receive more rejection. I'll have one night stands or whatever I have to do, but reaching out is a no no. That's why I'm going to do some apartment shopping here and price some places. Drastic changes coming soon.

I broke NC and I truly regret it. I see now that you don't feel the same about me. Before I went NC, we would only talk once in the morning and I wouldn't hear from you the rest of the day. And these patterns would continue if I maintained contact. That would be fine in a fwb situation, but I require more attention than that. I need to feel loved and valued and you don't feel that way about me anymore. It's obvious that youve moved on and it's time for me to do the same. Clearly you are seeing someone else and that is who you choose to talk to each night before you go to bed now. I got my final closure and I just said a prayer and asked God to remove ALL of my feelings for you. No matter how bad things get, I WON'T look you up. No matter how lonely I get, I WON'T call or text you. Because I was lonely when you were in my life-- you treated me badly. I can't make you love me or want to talk to me. Your feelings have changed and you're focused on somebody else now. I know that you'll never admit it to me and thats ok. I'm going to disappear again and this time, I will NEVER return. EVER. I have too many people that DON'T care about me one way or another and i have added you to that list. But all it takes for me to leave you alone is to see that you no longer love me. You care about me, but the love is gone. And that's a deal breaker for me. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to know what's going on in your life. Clearly someone else is center stage and I have officially exited stage left. Goodbye forever.

I realized today that we weren't meant to be and that so much has happened that things will never be the same. Today is the day that I am surrendering completely and letting you go. Todays tears are the last tears that I will shed over you. I'm putting you behind me and closing that chapter of my life forever.

Tears fall from my eyes as I type this. Tears of anger and despair because I'm hurting so deeply because of you. The constant anger and resentment you displayed toward me left me no choice but to go no contact. And to abandon any hopes of the future that we planned to have. You were supposed to be my husband-- MY husband, not somebody elses. But you stopped loving me and found yourself unable to forgive. I am wiping my tears away and staying away so that you cannot hurt me anymore. I'll cry a million more tears into my pillow each night getting over you before I ever let you see me cry again. Youd enjoy it too much.