MetalJoe

Ask her out, but keep it casual - and see how it goes from there.

I've learnt the hard way that you have to go for it if you want something to happen.

*shrug*

Pretty bizarre thing to do, but unfortunately there are a lot of guys like that - they seem to think it's the way to attract women! Forget the loser and move on - if he was genuinely interested, he had more than enough of an opportunity to ask you to dance, but he didn't take it.

The only real advice I can give is to try it and decide for yourself.

Like any other way to meet people and get dates, experiences differ wildly. I've not found it a good way for me, but I don't regret trying it. Other people I know seem to get along very well with it.

Take time to evaluate and decide which sites to use, different sites are useful for different types of people and different locations so make use of any free searching etc. to decide if you want to part with any money.

A picnic at the top of a snowy Austrian mountain, followed by ripping up untracked powder snow on the descent.

To be honest, I'm not that sure or fussed - anywhere is just fine as long as it's something my date and I both enjoy. A lot of my dates have been pretty odd situations, so it's just nice to do something ordinary and "normal".

I must admit I've always wanted to cook someone a candlelit dinner. However, you're pretty much limited to either fajitas, stir fries or Pot Noodle until my culinary skills improve ;-)

Accept the compliments and just go for it

I used to be the same. I didn't get compliments very often, and when I did get them I would get embarrassed or ignore them because I refused to believe someone would actually be interested in me.

I still blush sometimes when I have someone show an interest, but I accept the attention now and try to take the opportunity.

Make eye contact, give them a smile and go with the flow. Enjoy ;-)

So...thought I would get some men's opinions on this subject because before I was married, if a really attractive women told a guy that she just wanted sex with no strings, most guys would have jumped at the opportunity.

I'll give you a definite answer should the opportunity ever arise ;-) For me, that's not what I'm looking for so I'd politely decline. I'm not one for no-strings sex and never have been, if I'm honest. Other guys are different - I certainly know a lot who wouldn't hesitate to say "YES!".

The pulling away from a kiss is something FUN to do...you don't always have to pull away from it for a long time...its just like with-holding it for a few seconds...LIke she goes into kiss you, and you pull away slightly just to tease her. PUt it this way, you always want more what you can't have. I'm not saying refuse to kiss her completely, i'm saying just pull back a bit to tease her. Its like in a film i saw last night - if you are going in for a first kiss, then go in 90% of the way, and let her come the remaining 10% of the way...you go in far enough that everyone is clear what is wanted, but you linger long enough for the sense of anticipation to build up.

Maybe I've done it wrong in the past, misjudged the timing or been with the wrong girls, but from experience I can guarantee that'll kill off any chance I have of getting that kiss. Hesitate or try and build that "sense of anticipation" and she'll be off.

I can't remember having a woman ask for my number, so if I'm interested in someone I'll give them mine. If they call, at least I know they might be interested - normally they won't call so at least I know where I stand ;-) I don't give the number to just anyone.

Of course, the other thing is that I really hate phones so I tend to avoid making calls But even then, if someone gave me their number and I was interested, I would get in touch.

The trouble around where I live is that single women seem very much in the minority,

 

How did you figure out there are just a few of them in your area?

Did you calculate all of them in your 50 miles radius? I did for example.

I said "seem". I go searching for profiles on sites and I'll get maybe a dozen women or so, less with filtering for interests etc. It's similar for other sites, and often I'll find the same person on more than one site. Likewise, just meeting people in everyday situations I find it pretty rare to come accross a woman who is single. I was in London last night to meet up with some female friends and things seemed much better there - I got talking to someone single, although she's just gone through a pretty nasty break up so it didn't really seem like a good time to ask her out. ;-)

Did you have a great pic in your profile? did you have pics at all?

I am sure most people (women and men) judge their possible date online only by pics.

I admit my first photo was not exactly the best, but I did improve on it eventually. Worryingly, as soon as I took it down I ended up getting a sudden surge of contacts! Not sure if I should be happy or not Sure, the right photo does make a big difference and yes, I'm positive a lot of people will only make a decision based on photos.

I just approached it as another way to meet singles. I guess it has changed the dating "scene" in many ways, although I'm not convinced it's any better/worse than any other way to meet "the one".

The trouble around where I live is that single women seem very much in the minority, so I assumed that either they just weren't around or I was looking in the wrong places. I turned to Internet dating as a way to help me find the elusive singles, but the online situation hasn't really differed for me. There seem to be just as few single women online in my area, and the ones I have made contact with have really not been interesting at all.

In many ways, the situation has been better for me meeting people through everyday contact, than online - but at least online you can get a rough idea of someone before you start talking to them.

I still wonder what is the point here..

Yeah, I think we might've strayed a bit ;-)

ok, you conviced that life in UK in more expensive than in US. You really think the more money you get the happier you are??? Then most US people live in some sort of paradize.

No, I'm not saying the US is a paradise - it certainly wasn't when I've been there, although I do feel you have a better quality of life than we do over here. Again, I should point out that the UK is still better than many countries and I appreciate that as well.

Money != happiness. I of all people know and appreciate this because of what has happened to me over the last year and a bit. However, sadly, money is important for living, for buying a house, for raising kids and all the other things I want to do with my life. I was with friends last night, and the recurring theme with the couples is that most of them can't even afford a house, so they can't afford to start a family. One friend of mine pointed out that she can't even afford to get married, because she and her fiancee would be a lot worse off financially if they did. Does that seem right?

It is all relative to the average income of people in your area.

If you earn more than most people you feel good. If you have good friends, you feel even better. It all depends on the relative things...

I place friends and family above money any day.

You simple compared prices in US & UK and made a conclusion. But you did even look at other aspects of life, they eveythintg else just doesn't matter.

I've been all over the world and I compare on more than just prices. Things like cost of living need to be weighed up against the average wage. Because of high prices and high taxes, the advantage we have of a higher average wage is lost. When I lived in Australia last year, the cost of living was so much cheaper - despite me earning less I could enjoy doing a lot of things I couldn't afford back in the UK.

And I have never seen ANY people from UK who came here recently. Where'd they all go?

 

Florida probably ;-) Actually, Canada, Australia and places like Spain and France seem to be the popular places for Brits to emigrate to. Most of my friends are looking to move to Canada, for example, particularly those who have lived and worked over there and know the country well.

 

Sooo... anyway, back to the pressures of being a man? ;-)

The conclusion? The only thing we can do is to improve out salary relative to the average salary around you. So it is again: try to go to college, gt a degree, open a business... or whatever you can come up with.

In US people feel in the same position, it is all RELATIVE to the average income.

It's easier said than done over here. In fact, at the moment it seems the UK rewards people who don't want to educate themselves and don't want to work.

Free tertiary education was killed off by the Labour government, leaving students in ridiculous amounts of debt, particularly in underfunded areas like medicine, engineering and science. It's becoming the case that only the rich can receive a degree-level education.

Over here, it works out better if couples split up after having a child because of the benefits received. It works out financially better for parents and child if the family splits up! Quickest way to get a council-owned house around here is to become a single, teenage mother - which is exactly what a lot of kids do, because it's the only way they'll be able to afford somewhere. No wonder we have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.

We have an absurd number of people claiming benefits because they are supposedly incapable of working, yet they are fine, while often those with legitimate claims are ignored or not given the same support. I could earn more by claiming unemployment benefit than I can in my current (part-time) job - it's just that I believe in earning my money. I'm still trying to get a suitable IT job after 4 months of searching! And I have a degree and several years of very good IT experience.

Anyway, rant over ;-)

Quality of life is what I'm talking about. Sure, London's pretty damn expensive - but you are paying to live in London, one of the most exciting cities in the world. Incredible nightlife, huge historical and cultural center.

It's not just London though. The UK in general is very expensive - high taxes, high house costs, high cost of living. Public transport is in a bad state, health service is falling apart, education is under-funded, and they're talking about people having to retire in their 70s or older because the pension system is messed up. Things have gotten a lot worse in the last few years, with no sign of getting better.

I live outside London in a fairly unexciting part of the UK and even when I had a well-paid IT job, I could only dream of owning my own house, while renting took a hefty chunk out of my monthly pay. Back on my old salary, I could only afford a house half the cost of the cheapest one in the area, most are about 3-4 times the amount I can afford.

It's no wonder most of my friends have either emigrated or are planning to.

Annie said it is not a good idea to just randomly approch girls everywhere... far more rejections than experience or confidence gained.

What's your take on that? Is tehre any places besides bars where you think women feel more comfortable?

I must admit, it's not something I've really thought about, I just take situations as they come. I meet girls at my local snow slope or mountain biking, or at friends' parties, or queued up waiting to pay in a shop, or in cafes, or browsing in a book store, or in an art gallery, or I have friends introduce me to someone - all kinds of places really.

I have never drunk properly in a bar I found you gotta be real good at body language since I cannot hear anyone, even myself. So since

I dont have any experience in this realm AND some people say it is even not worth it (they say it is unlikely to meet somebody good in a bar.. even if they are good they are in "other mode")

I guess I dont even need to try that one.

I shouldn't worry about bars. Not sure what it's like by you, but around here you'll get to meet people who are very drunk, wear far too much make up, and can barely hold a decent conversation when sober let alone after a few drinks. If you want a one night stand, go for it, but for anything even remotely serious it's not that good an option. In my experience.

 

1. I feel pressure on a date, but it's not really social ;-)

 

2. I've not had any comments about the car, as it's not really something that crops up in conversation. Those who've seen it haven't come accross as being concerned or it being a "deal breaker". If a women isn't interested in me because I drive a low-end, but reliable, blue box on wheels then frankly she isn't worth the effort. I could've afforded something sporty or whatever, but I had more interesting things to spend the money on.

 

As for the current job, I'll let you know if and when I get a date ;-) Let's face it, the well paid IT job didn't exactly lead to women stampeding in my direction. Women do seem to perk up when I mention I teach snowboarding though - I guess because it sounds more interesting than "software developer".

 

1. Interesting... I almost dont feel pressure on a date: my dates were not super hot or anything..so when I met them, I feel relatively ok.

It is kinda elusive thing that pressure. I felt it mostly in ... emails, when sombody were probing for my status\income situation.

 

2. maybe I should be more specific: when your date sees you car, you didnt feel any pressure? You have never had any comments from her?

I would feel kind pressured...

1) It's a self-imposed pressure. I get a bit of nerves and think "what if she's really dull or annoying? What if things go wrong? What if I make a fool of myself?". It's stupid because I've not had a bad date and things have always seemed to go very well.

2) It's just a car. Cars are very low down on my list of things that are important to me. It gets me from A to B, it's pretty reliable and economical, I like the colour, there's room for my snowboard, it had a tape player so I can plug my iPod in with an adapter So no, I don't feel any pressure. If she judges me by my car, then that's pretty shallow IMHO and not the kind of person I'm looking for. Maybe I've been lucky, but I've not had a comment about my car from women. A few guys, sure, but not women.

1. We may feel the pressure in some dating situdation. Not just everywhere...

I feel pressure on a date, but it's not really social ;-)

2. So if you got a date, how does she feel about you tin car? About you job which you enjoy but as you saing is not paying much? She is ok with that? You didnt feel ANY pressure?

I've not had any comments about the car, as it's not really something that crops up in conversation. Those who've seen it haven't come accross as being concerned or it being a "deal breaker". If a women isn't interested in me because I drive a low-end, but reliable, blue box on wheels then frankly she isn't worth the effort. I could've afforded something sporty or whatever, but I had more interesting things to spend the money on.

As for the current job, I'll let you know if and when I get a date ;-) Let's face it, the well paid IT job didn't exactly lead to women stampeding in my direction. Women do seem to perk up when I mention I teach snowboarding though - I guess because it sounds more interesting than "software developer".

But Kitz, color co-ordinating your clothes looks weird. For me it just seems stupid. And I don't have much clothes that "match" anyway.

I buy and wear stuff I like, so a lot of it doesn't quite match. I'm not that fussed and no one else seems to either. When I had an office job, I would turn up to see clients in a ten year old suit, mismatched shirt and my pair of Vans - no one could care less.

I think we're moving off the point. I really want to know if other men feel that same kind of social pressure that I was talking about.

Personally, I've not felt any kind of social pressure, but then again I don't try to conform, I'm not one for macho **** and I just try to be myself.

Cars don't interest me, except on a race track, so I drive an old tin box on wheels. I had a well-paid job about a year ago, which I used to enjoy but ended up hating (mainly because of certain managers) - so I jacked it in and became a snowboard instructor on minimum wage, and loved it. I did it for me alone, but I earned a *huge* amount of respect and admiration from people, friends and strangers, for doing it.

I'm back to finding a well-paid programming job again, but won't give up the instructing part-time. I need to pay the bills, eventually be able to afford to buy a house, and I enjoy programming anyway - which is the most important thing for me. Should Miss Right ever turn up and I get to start a family, the money will definitely be needed ;-)

1. I started to greet people: I try to say hello whenever I can.

It helps a bit. What else I can do?

That's a start and not something to give up on. I find a good way to start a conversation with someone is to ask a question, get talking and then introduce myself. If you see someone every day, start off with a smile and an acknowledgement one day, then a hello, and then start a conversation.

But also, think a bit laterally. I'm not necessarily talking about situations to do with women and dating. Ever wanted to try rock climbing, skiing or skydiving but were afraid to give it a go? Wanted to go to a gym or get up on stage at an open mic night but didn't want to make a fool of yourself? Have a go! If you mess up, have a laugh about it, chalk it up to experience and go try something else instead - at least you gave it a shot and didn't chicken out.

2. It is too general, to broad.. and not very specific. If you have a field

when you can do that - thats great. What is you just cannot? evetyghin is steady... would just playing online pool and getting better with it qualify?

If it boosts your confidence, sure, but I suspect you might want to try something a bit more dynamic, perhaps a bit more social and interactive? You mentioned photography to me recently, maybe that's a more interesting starting point?

Don't worry if you're stuck for ideas - there are plenty of new ones to try. Make a list of all the activities you want to try and why, then list why you haven't done them and what you can do to change the situation. Go through the list and see what can be done immediately, in a few days, a few weeks etc. See how much of the list you can get through - and remember, if something doesn't work out then turn it into a joke and carry on to the next thing. Be positive, learn from the experiences good and bad.

4. I grew a beard today.. a goatee kinda. But my mirror doesnt talk, I have no idea if it is a turn on, makes me older or just look like.. a goat?

Share a photo with us ;-)

Just give it a try without thinking about it - see if anyone notices it or acts different in some way.

5. I am just very curious - why do you want to have kids?

I've wanted them for a long time, certainly since my early/pre-teen years, and there are lots of reasons. I guess the first thing is that I like kids and get on well with them, so raising a few of my own seems like a perfectly natural thing to do. I've been around children of different ages at all stages of my life and so don't have a rose tinted view - I realise that for all the wonder and excitement, the first steps and laughs, there are dirty nappies/diapers, tantrums, arguments and all the worry and responsibility too. I want to bring a new life into the world, watch them learn and grow, love them, teach them, encourage them, show them places and people, and pass on my knowledge and experience just as my parents did so they can explore the world and build up their own knowledge and experiences.

I could write on this subject for ages, but I've kept it brief ;-)

Do guys want to be pursued by girls? It seems like when I pursue they lose interest. If they like to be pursued, then how? Do guys like it when girls call them? How many times is too often? Do guys like to talk on the phone or would they rather do stuff in person? Do they want a girl to ask them out? to say first that they have feelings?

I'd love to have a girl pursue me for a change - at least it would show she was interested and take a lot of the guesswork out of things. I'm afraid I find the guessing and is she/isn't she interested game playing a bit boring/frustrating - more so as I get older.

Personally, I'm not a great fan of the phone - I much prefer to talk to someone face-to-face. I guess part of the problem is I'm quite a visual person.

I've only been asked out once, but it was great - a big ego boost and very flattering. More women should take the initiative!

Considering the stuff I have eaten, before knowing the truth, I would still opt for knowing the truth. I like knowing the truth, good or bad.

However, if I didn't know that I didn't know the truth, I wouldn't care about the truth because that was "the truth" as far as I was concerned... so it's a bit of a moot point ;-)

in a nutshell:

Confidence: Right, I agree - it might be just ability to hide insecurities.

I accept that definition. So How Cn I learn how to... hide them? I am eager to move on and learn...

Two ways I approached this...

1) Take yourself out of the comfort zone. It sounds counter-intuitive, but do something different from your everyday routine - because you might just like it and broaden your comfort zone a bit more == more confidence in wider situations

2) Concentrate on the things you are good at, and work at getting yourself even better at them. Build on what you have to make yourself feel better - it'll spread to the areas of your life you don't feel so confident with.

Looks: yes, looks as in online dating. See, I look like I am very young especially in pics, and it is a huge turn off for women.

I'm 28, but clean-shaven I look about 18 so I know what you mean!

I grew a beard last year, nothing too drastic, while trekking around the Outback - pure laziness, nothing else. When I came back home, I was going to shave it off but everyone agreed I should keep it because it makes me look older - and, more importantly, "cooler and more handsome" according to lots of women.

Give it a try - it's easier than wrinkles ;-)

Family: I referred to a desire to have kids. My last gf told me: I want to have three kids. I tried to make a joke..."not 5"? But that was a sad moment: she felt her biological clock ticking and I didnt want to be pressured into having family. Besides I see it is more work, hard work than fun.

That's fine - no one should be pressured into having a family. I have friends who are very happy together and have no interest in raising kids whatsoever, likewise some aren't even that worried about getting married seeing it as "just a piece of paper".

Personally, I really want to start a family and soon.

Maybe it's just because I get on well with my parents and they know I haven't met any axe-murders online yet ;-) but I just say that I met them on the Internet. They've met quite a few of my online friends and get on really well with them all, so it's not a problem.

Just be honest. If you're worried, let them get to know the person first before you mention anything.

There shouldn't be any need to lie about your age - avoid bringing it up in conversation, but don't lie. If someone has a problem with your age, then they're probably not worth your friendship.

I have very few friends my own age - they're either mid/late thirties or late teens/early twenties and there have never been any problems. My last two gfs were in their thirties too.