Ive been bottlin this little secret in for a very long time. Ive never really told anyone or even written about it but its startin to surface alot now. alright ever since the end of 8th grade (in 11th now) the internet became a very curious place for me. before i knew i was lookin some pretty crazy stuff n it was gay. but im straight though, i think. but the more i looked at it, the more attracted i became to it. soon it became like an addiction like i had to have it. but it was strictly fanatsy. LIke in reality, i wasnt gay. like i just wasnt attracted to men that way, i definetly liked girls. so my brother caught me one day, mother found out. that was a miserable day and promised myself id never do anythin like that again. You gotta understand, my parents are pastors and are very conservative and my brother is one of the most homophobic people alive. So this was not an easy thing at all. so i promised myself id never look at any of that stuff ever again but it didnt last long. it was seriously an addiction. brother found it again in august. still it couldnt stop me. it started to really effect me cuz i was majorly confused. cuz my brother was askin whether or not i was gay or not and i knew i wasnt but how do i explain that. i dont kno how too. anyway it didnt stop for awhile. then i asked out my best friend, jillian and weve been inseperable ever since. The problem is that like sexually, im normal like when i kiss her, im aroused just like every other normal guy. the only prob is that the only time i ever got off (sorry to be so open) is about men, so when im hookin up wit my girlfriend everythin is pretty much normal. now, like i could never hook up wit a guy, like its just out of the question im not attracted to men, but it seems like its more of a pyscological unattraction to men then sexual. if that makes any sense. Like i dont kno if im in "love" with my girlfriend but i have some really strong feelings for her, sexually and emotionally. So i mean i get aroused with my girlfriend but thats the only way a girl can make me aroused. like i cant fantasize about a women and get aroused, onyl men. and it drives me crazy. i hate it so much. i hate it. like i just dont get why. i try so hard to fantasize about women but it just doesnt work. its like head and my other head have two different minds. But when im kissin my girlfriend and doin other stuff im definetly aroused. So, weve been progressin alot in our relationship and we think soon we might have sex and its a hugeeeee deal to her. like she wants to do it with really one person in her whole life. like shes loves me so much and i think i do too. but i mean i dont kno if this whole fantasy thing makes a difference. like im straight, right? i just dont kno what to do. this is the first time im ever like facing this head on. ive always just hid this in the back of my head. but what if i just turn gay and completely devastate her. i dont wanna freakin be gay. i wish i could think normally but i cant and i dont kno why. i wish i did. I just needed to get this off my chest. ive been bottling this up for a few years now. i kno im so young right now but i really care so much about her, not like a sister, like a girlfriend and i just dont understand how i can have those feelings for her and still be aroused by men. whats wrong wit me? i understand this is really long and even kno if anyone will read this but i just really needed to get this off my chest. i mean i stopped lookin at the sites and i started lookin at "normal" sites but its not the same. im just really confused right now and i wish i wasnt. so if anyone can help, id be so glad cuz theres really no one i can confide among my friends or anything like that. id really appreciate it. thanks
