I logged onto this site to read others experiences in the loss of love, and I still find my story unique, to say the least. At least in length of time.
I lost my love 20 years ago, but in my heart he has stayed. Time healed no wounds. I moved on in my life, had many jobs, lived many places, got married, had a child, got counseling, and yet the memories are still as vivid, the sadness just as great as if it were yesterday, and the feelings of loss encroach their way into my life to this day.
I never saw my lost love again. Had no way of knowing where he was all these years, until now. I was researching places to retire and found his website in an area I was interrested in.
I spent a great amount of time formulating a very rational letter to him. Hard to write to someone after so very long. I was asking for help in finding closure from him. No reply.
Shortly after this, I had to go home to a funeral in my home state. I screwed up enough courage and went by his office. We sat and talked for hours. It went well, considering the time that had elapsed. I was amazed at how easily we both fell into this encounter. Almost like old times. I hadn't laughed so genuinely in years. I asked him a few questions, in between catching up on 20 years history. He was now married with kids of his own. He was so much older, and yet the same. He is 14 years older than me.
Our split was unusual. We were both living abroad together for 3 years, after several years of a long distance relationship.
I asked him why he didn't reply to my letter. He said he hadn't decided whether or not to write yet.
- I asked why he never contacted me again. He said he just thought the relationship had run its' course.
-he asked me if I had any regrets. I told him among other things, losing him and not knowing why.
I told him I needed closure. I had tried on my own, and failed. He seemed to understand. I left him written questions I wrote down, and told him I needed answers.
I returned to Europe, where I live, and emailed him. He wrote back that he would try and respond. I waited several weeks and emailed several more times. I'm afraid I began to sound somewhat desperate in wanting my answers. I was clear in stating what I needed from him.
He wrote back once more, basically stating that after dwelling at some length on what I had asked, that "with sympathy, he did not think he could be of much help to me.
I am left with that.
I didn't obtain my desperately needed closure. I never can seem to get angry enough over this tremdeous loss in my life. I have only sadness.
I was looking for others who have mourned a lost love for as long as this.
My life went on. I married a good man, just a different kind of love. Not as intense or overwhelming. I had everything I was hoping for with this one man. Everything except commitment.
Without closure I can never seem to escape it. I will slowly put him back in his box, and try and shut the lid. But every sad song, evey love story will bring it back somewhat. I'm so tired of grieving.
Lost soul
