moodindigo91

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So it's sort of a fun limbo 

It doesn't even sound like a fun limbo tbh, it sounds draining for you mentally and financially. You seem unhappy. I wouldn't entertain marriage with her because she'll just go from mooching off her poor mother to mooching off you. If you divorce, she will be going after everything you've got. Seems like you should probably break it off and continue on your journey of self-discovery. Once you come fully into yourself (which I believe this relationship is preventing you from doing in part), you will attract a partner whose more on your level. 

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't understand why you are refusing to believe her.

At this point, if you are so dead set on thinking she's "faking" and you disregard the answers she given you I wonder why you're staying in this relationship.

Yeah, same. 

You are most likely fine. If you had something to worry about, they would tell you and start treatment right away. I've had abnormal cells with no explanation for them (except that they are harmless) show up in my paps for years now but I've never experienced any issues. As a result, though, I am to get pap smears every year instead of the recommended every 3-5 years for women my age in my country. I wouldn't worry 🙂 but yeah you can always follow up with your doctor and see if there's anything you need to do to address the inflammation 

No, there is nothing you can do. You need to accept that she doesn't feel the same way about you. She probably knows herself and her feelings better than you. If she says she doesn't feel the same, then you need to accept that and move on. There is no point in continuing to talk to one another and drawing this breakup out. Go back to no contact and start the process of accepting this and moving on. 

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dump your BF and hit up new employee.

I agree. At minimum, you should breakup with your boyfriend. You're not feeling him, something is missing, and you're spending all your time daydreaming about your work hubby. 

Given that, I wouldn't jump right into a relationship with the work guy, but I would try and go about going on a formal date of some sort and see if that's something you're both interested in taking any further. Only then will you need to discuss what to do about telling your work, etc. 

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't "have one" every time but I absolutely love sex. And I'm not lying.

Yes, exactly. I don't orgasm every time but I almost always enjoy having sex with the people I am choosing to have sex with. When I didn't, it was mostly due to emotional issues between us. 

45 minutes ago, r350 said:

I just go off my intuition and maybe that'd wrong.

Yeah maybe your intuition is wrong here. If she's telling you she's enjoying it, I don't see a reason to doubt her. I, for one, wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who I didn't enjoy having sex with, and I wouldn't tell them I enjoyed sex if I didn't. Have you ever felt this way about previous partners? 

Honestly, I think calling faking an orgasm to avoid alleviate the pressure you're seemingly applying on yourself and her to have some porn-style sex every time you do have sex as a "form of lying" is kind of dramatic. Sure, it might be a form of lying. But so is allowing your kids to believe in Santa or the tooth fairy. And anyway, you don't even know if she is faking it or why, and you're basically calling her a liar now. I bet every woman you've ever slept with more than once has faked an orgasm with you at least once. This is just an overly negative view and I think it will restrict your ability to be happy in a relationship going forward. 

Also, you keep harping on "communication" and yet you seem to have failed to communicate any of your assumptions or suspicions about her faking it to her.

It honestly seems like you are sexually incompatible. Like she doesn't feel the same way about sex that you do. But if you stayed together, I agree that the best way to go about addressing the issue is to actually ask her if there's anything she'd like to try, ask her what she likes that you do or that you don't do but should do, etc. Try implementing her sexual preferences (instead of calling her a liar) and see what happens. If her after-sex reactions don't improve to your liking, it's probably time to move on to someone more sexually compatible. I wouldn't even bother asking if she orgasmed tbh. Maybe ask something more indirect like, how often do you orgasm? What can I do to make you orgasm? 

7 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

also not wanting to be in a relationship at this point in my life

Yeah I think going on a couple of dates with men from dating apps and also having my ex burst into my life trying to win me back has similarly made me realize I simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. Promising that much of my time to people sounds really unappealing to me right now. Maybe someone will come along that will change my mind but until then, I'm happy to be alone lol 

Honestly, if she's "faking" it -- why do you care lol 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, you are expecting too much if you expect her to blissed-out, unable to speak, shaky and red-faced after every sexual encounter. 

This hits it on the head for me. I would say most women typically don't cum after every sexual encounter. I definitely don't. But when I do, I have a very similar experience to the one you describe your GF having. When I don't I typically play it up a bit, because I know that the man is trying to and expecting me to orgasm. My ex used to literally ask me if I had an orgasm after almost every session. This gets annoying. Men should really stop measuring how successful they are at sex by how often they make women orgasm. Because honestly, although I don't orgasm every time I have sex, that doesn't mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy it. Your GF probably thoroughly enjoys sex with you, and plays it up a lil if she didn't orgasm for your ego's sake. That's a nice GF if you ask me. 

Edit to add: The pressure you're putting on both you and your GF for her to orgasm every time you have sex takes away from the experience of the sex itself. Why not just enjoy it? 

Her rolling over to be on her phone though, I can't say that's something I ever do. That seems to be the main issue. 

On 12/10/2022 at 11:23 PM, serialmonogamist said:

* What is the actual purpose/s of going on initial dates with a person. Heads up: to see how romantic the date will be is not an answer. 

The purpose of initial dates is obviously to determine whether you're actually physically attracted to that person, whether you get along well in person, whether you have anything in common, whether you enjoy their company, whether they have a bunch of annoying habits you don't like or do cute things you love. It's to determine if there's initial chemistry enough to continue going forward. 

* What do you find are the benefits of online dating? In that I mean using dating apps? 

The ability to meet more people than you would be able to on your own, people who may not really be in the places you often find yourself. Benefits are good if you're pretty busy like me. But honestly, it can be pretty overwhelming and people expect you to go on dates with them within a week or so of first messaging them. You have to be really devoted to dating if you ask me. I joined one for the first time earlier this month and I've been on a few dates but honestly I've already stopped using it and I'm probably going to delete it. 

* What do you consider to be dating etiquette? 

This is vague and I'm not sure how to answer this. Good dating etiquette is sticking to your original plans, showing up to the date, dressing appropriately. Typically, as a woman, I've had men pay for the dates, but I typically offer to pitch in. 

* Do you think meeting someone a bit more organically (other than a dating app) is better than dating apps? 

Yes, I met all my partners before organically. The men I've met through dating apps are fine, but they have often been quite far from where I live and things just go better organically. Seems less forced. 

* Whether on a dating app or whether you meet someone organically, how long would you spend talking to them before asking them out on a date? 

Depends on the vibes you're giving off and getting. But typically right away is my experience. Within the first week or two of meeting and esp after exchanging numbers. 

* Why do some people say they are still dating someone when they are clearly not dating and are in a relationship? 

This is also vague. Is someone you know doing this? I would say most people don't say they are still dating if they are in a relationship. If you've been seeing someone casually for a while but you've never discussed your relationship status, then that is really the fault of both parties. But in my opinion, if you've never made your relationship exclusive, you're not exclusive, and you are free to see other people. 

* What are serious deal breakers in personality when either dating someone or considering dating someone? 

This varies depending on who you are. But universally, lying and cheating are huge personality flaws to avoid. 

Ghost them

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Even if they do those things, how could he prove it was being done simply to annoy him?  He would have to prove that in court.  I'm not saying your whole point is invalid. 

Haha I think it's entirely realistic. I work in civil litigation, and I have to defend bullsh*t cases without merit all the time. Perhaps since I work in the legal field I am a little more wary than you may be but I don't think it is outside the realm of possibility. 

Anyway, all of this is kind of a non-starter anyway if you're not planning to participate in the stunts. I would also tend to believe/hope that the planning of this stunt would probably fall by the wayside over the coming months. On the flip side, maybe you can sue your ex haha

Or, perhaps you can gather with your people who are making the plans and attempt to convince them to address the issue in another way, such as, by confronting your ex as a group intervention style or maybe there's a body/agency/entity you can report him to, something more kosher like that. I just highly doubt that annoying your ex even more is going to make the problems better. 

19 hours ago, Cynder said:

My business is the most important thing in my life.  It's the only thing I have to be proud of.  I went to art school on a full ride.  I won't waste my degree sitting in an office somewhere at some regular 9-5 job that is, to be honest, more toxic than this could ever be.  And I've worked in that environment too.  So it's not like I have no experience.  So no, I'm not stopping.  I love what I do and I built my business up from nothing.  I have an amazing team of employees.  I have mentored other vendors.  I have a following in this community.  I'm not stopping.  I don't fit in anywhere else and I've found my tribe. 

I'm not going to go into all the details but what they are doing isn't illegal.  I don't plan on getting involved with the planning.  I'm asking how I can avoid it not whether or not I should help.  There are a handful of people planning on doing things that will just really annoy him.  Like, he flips his crap if anyone smokes in his tent.  Even though this is an outdoor venue and smoking is allowed.  So a bunch of people are planning on going into his tent while smoking just to get on his nerves.  He also flips crap if anyone near him burns incense.  The lady next to him hates him and plans on burning incense all weekend long just to get on his nerves.  It's stuff like that.  But then there is one big thing that some people are working on that will most likely make him snap and throw a fit.  He has a really bad temper.  I'm not saying I think any of this is right.  I mean, karma will get him.  But this is something they are planning to do.  You can't sue someone for burning incense, etc.  Even the big thing they are planning isn't illegal.  It's more like psychological torment. 

Ok... just for the sake of discussion, other than a person like my ex who likes to start drama and cause trouble (And I think just about every work place has one of those) and people trying to get back at him, tell me what's so toxic about the work I do?  I know this situation is toxic.  But what else makes this line of work toxic in your opinion?  I am wondering how much of it is based in reality and how much of it is based on stereotypes that I might be able to debunk. 

Your points are well taken about your business. I figured it was something extremely important to you, but was simply trying to suggest some alternatives. There's nothing toxic about your line of work or what you do, it's the work environment that's toxic. Your ex being who he is, and all the other people plotting some elaborate scheme to get back at him. It sounds more akin to a sitcom than real life. It just doesn't seem worth the stress and possible trouble unless what you're doing as a vendor is something that's extremely important to you and that cannot be easily translated into something just as rewarding if not more so. 

But, since it seems like it's something very important to you, I defer to my advice that you should not participate in planning any stunt to get back at your ex in any way. You should make it clear that you do not want to plan/participate to everyone involved. Maybe even suggest that they abandon the idea. If you truly believe karma will get him, let karma do its job. 

What you think is legal and illegal is not really relevant. A civil lawsuit does not necessarily require breaking any laws and deliberately intentionally causing someone "psychological torment" may be grounds for a lawsuit (where I reside the legal action is called intentional infliction of emotional distress). If you plan to cause someone emotional distress with others deliberately over a period of time, it's called a conspiracy. You can be sued for that, too, if participate in the planning, and even if you drop out of the process before the actual act is committed or don't participate in the actual stunt itself. That's why I would advise you to stay away from any planning and make it clear you do not wish to participate.

31 minutes ago, Cynder said:

The festival scene is like a big awesome yet dysfunctional and incestuous family.  Everyone looks out for everyone.

Honestly this all sounds super toxic. Is being a vendor something that's super important to you? Is there some other way you can do what you're doing now that doesn't necessarily require being part of festivals, etc.? I just think all of this sounds like a weird toxic bubble of an environment that isn't going to end well for most of the people involved. 

What does this stunt involve? Could there be legal ramifications for the people pulling the stunt? If this guy has lots of money, he has the money to commence lawsuits against all of you and use up your time, money and mental sanity dragging them on. Don't get involved with the planning in any way. You should not even be talking about it with anyone. Distance yourself from those involved in the planning. Tread carefully. 

If I were you, I would honestly be looking for different outlets to pursue your art. This is not healthy. 

1 hour ago, TanyaJo said:

I send him a text saying "You seem cold since the time you sent me that grumpy text for sending you something nice"

Stopppppppppppppp it! 

I would be sooooo annoyed with you by now if I were him. Not only are you accusing him of being grumpy, rude, selfish, etc., but you are doing it while seeking reassurance from him that he's into you? 

You woke him up in the middle of the night and then called him rude and selfish when he expressed that he wasn't appreciative of it. You never apologized. Now you're continuing to tell him how he's acting in ways that he's really not. 

I'm not sure what you're expecting? 

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And you "swallowed" her diet BS excuse?

Yeahhhhhhh I agree. She's giving you more excuses than anything.

As a woman who is single and dating, who also has a busy schedule with a full-time job, a demanding workout schedule, and a dog to take care of, I am still making time to squeeze in dates with the men I am interested in. 

In any event, it just seems like even if she is into you as much as she tells you, she is not going to make the time for you that you would want. 

It's hard to tell. She's definitely running hot and cold. I am in my 30s and dating currently, and if I'm giving non-responsive responses, it's typically because I'm unsure about the other person or because I'm making plans to go on dates with others. I imagine if you met on Hinge that she might be dating around. I've gone on two dates just this week with two different men. Maybe she's going on other dates but doesn't want to tell you about it because she's still interested in seeing you. 

I recently had a guy tell me he was getting sick too and postponed a hangout session we had planned and I was overthinking that, but he truly was sick and we ended up getting together later that week. 

I think you should try to propose another date on a specified day/time. If she is still deflecting, I suggest just moving on. 

I think there's no real harm in shooting her a message on LinkedIn and starting up a conversation, but I agree that it might just be a non-starter since she lives so far away. One of those missed connections, I suppose.

21 hours ago, Sunshineandroses said:

I have gone on almost 10 previous dates since I started dating again a few months ago, and 50% of those men have ghosted me even though the dates went well. The others just fizzled out.

I would say that this is pretty much the average experience of dating. 

Anyway, as for this guy. There's a lot of red flags. Not even considering the fact that he hasn't texted you in 2 days, but he lives in another state, 2 hours away, is much older, and seemed to exhibit some interesting behavior on your date (like he was maybe trying to get you drunk so you would go home with him?). All of this just sounds too complicated to be worth it. If you feel unsure, there's a reason for it. You should let this fizzle out.

Haha I have a hard time believing this is real. How bored are you? You are manufacturing drama in your life. Stop it! 

11 minutes ago, oldworld said:

do people feel you know all you need to know by the second date

It depends on what the person is looking for. 

If you're dating to marry or to find a long-term partner, then yes, people will typically feel they know all they need to know by the second date, and don't want to waste their time or the other person's time "getting to know each other" for months on end when they already feel up front that they are not interested in a serious relationship with this person. 

I understand why you're going down a rabbit hole and talking about "stats" -- rejection sucks. It makes us seek out reasons outside of ourselves to explain the rejection. But honestly, like everyone else has said, it should just be chalked up to "she's just not that into you." She had the decency to tell you before you go on any more dates, saving you time and trouble, and probably money. 

Keep chugging along! 

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

That’s my future childrens grandmother, not just my boyfriends mom. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids until she’s been at least a year sober. I don’t want her in my kids life, but she always talks about how when I have kids she wants to watch them and babysit all the time but I’m not for that.

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

15 an hour after gas, my boyfriend hates working

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

He doesn’t want to work more then 4 hours a day

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

my boyfriend isn’t comfort with me getting a job without him and I respect that

There are soooooo many red flags in your post, honestly I'm shocked how you could be okay with any of this? 

First of all, you're talking about future children as if you were already married to this guy and/or pregnant. You are 17 years old. You are still a teenager, a child yourself. Your boyfriend has a controlling and alcoholic mother. That's not something you can just get rid of. She's his mother. Even if you moved in together into your own apartment, she'll still be his mother and you'd still have to deal with her. Is this really what you want to settle for at such a young age? 

What are you parents like? Why do you not want to live with them? Why are you in such a hurry to leave and become financially strapped and live paycheck to paycheck and deal with the abusive alcoholic mother of your boyfriend? 

I don't know where you live, but $15 an hour is not nearly enough money to maintain an apartment where I live. Are you considering not just the rent payment, but also utilities (gas, water, electric), internet, car payments, phone payments, food costs, etc. etc.? How will you furnish your apartment? 

Also, your boyfriend kind of sounds like a loser in my opinion. It also sounds like he is controlling over you. Also, think about it, he hates working, doesn't want to work more than 4 hours in a day, but also doesn't want YOU to get a job? (which is another thing entirely - he needs to have this much control over you that you can't work?). No wonder he just wants to live at his parents' house, it's a cushy set up for him. There's a slim chance you'd be able to support him and yourself at age 17/18 as a delivery driver. And you'd likely be having to support him since he hates working and doesn't want to work. Is he doing anything like going to school, trying to define a career path, learning a trade? How does he plan to support himself if and when he ever does move out of his parents' house? Is he planning to leave his parents' house? 

I am having trouble understanding why you are making such poor choices for yourself. You deserve much better. 

On 11/15/2022 at 12:32 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Annnd that's why you don't date someone who has just been out of a relationship, specially an abusive one.

Yes, a hundred percent agree with this. She is not ready to be in a relationship, nor should she be right now. She should be facing her trauma, healing from her abuse, and finding her individuality instead.

40 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

I’m just worried that at 30 years old it’s too late for me to improve.

I'm astounded by how many people on this forum think 30s is like old age lol and in any event, it's never too late to improve or change. You will be changing throughout your entire life, you might as well take control over some of the ways you change. This is one of those things you can take control of. 

I just started a demanding job recently myself, and it's very stressful. I used to be a shy and not very social person, afraid to speak up for myself. But over the last 5 years or so I've developed into a more aggressive person (in a good way). I used to be a pushover, similarly afraid to ask for help but also afraid to make mistakes, feeling paralyzed. Now, my mindset is to literally just do it (yes like Nike), whatever it is. Just do it. And think about the consequences of asking for help or clarification in your job. What do you think will happen? They will probably appreciate your attentiveness, your concern, your dedication, your ability to assess your workload, etc. 

My office is really big on teamwork. In the end, you really only need to assert yourself as part of the overall team and try to reinforce that concept for everyone else. Sounds like your office is going through a lot of changes right now so a team vibe would probably be very helpful to everyone there.