gentleman

This thread it kind of relevant for my input because I agree that breaking eye contact often would be read to mean the girl isn't interested. But then maybe the girl is shy, fair enough. There's a girl I like at the moment, a neighbour, but whenever I see her walking towards me down the street, she is always looking at the sidewalk and makes no eye contact, so I guess she's either shy or not interested or just not a sociable person who says hi in the street. But today I thought what the hell and said hi to her anyway, and she looked up, made eye contact for a split second and said hi along with a kind of smile, so maybe next time I'll say a bit more and then a bit more still, until we can have a conversation.

I guess, for whatever reasons, that deep down, I've told myself that I need to become reacquainted with these people that I went to school with, that I occasionally see around in my town. Maybe it's psychologically because I feel the need to make up the the childhood friends I never really had, so even though I've got other friends now, from college, work and so on, I won't feel at ease until I've made friends again with THESE 'old faces.' I wish I could stop myself thinking this way. I guess things have become a bit socially stale at the moment which is maybe why I'm dwelling on stuff in the past. Maybe I also miss having that 'one best friend', but that ties in with what you said about groups of friends changing as one progresses through life and the older you get, the harder it it to make friends.

What evepm said about finding an organization to join is a good idea, but my town is so darn small that everyone is kind of set in their own ways and their own groups, so for example, the evening class that I joined a few years ago didn't lead anywhere for me. I was a home-based worked for a while and can appreciate her situation, but even now that I commute to work, it's not that easy to meet new people that way. I just don't find Brits as friendly as Americans, Europeans or other nationalitiies. I love it when I can say hi to someone in the street and have a conversation with them, but it rarely happens, especially in the 20-30 age group. And on the subject of being attracted to people at a place of work, my situation is different because I am attracted to someone who works at the bank where I do the banking for my boss, which I guess itsn't really and truly mixing business with pleasure or any of the other cliches. Although the situation's still not ideal...

I'm really struggling at the moment and it is starting to make me a little bit depressed. I will try to keep my story short.

I have always lived in the same small town but I wasn't encouraged by my parents to make friends at school (they preferred me to have friends in the church I was borught up in). So I was never very popular at school, with few friends.

After that, I went to college in another city and made some good friends there, but many of them were from Europe or overseas, and despite being in touch with them via e-mail, they are not in my every day life and while I was living in this city making these friends, I was still not reacquainting myself with people I went to school with, and I have a strong desire these days to get to know some of the people I went to school with who still live in my small town, where I am back living now.

I have a good job and meet a lot of people, but it is not always appropriate to pursue social relationships with customers of the firm I work for. I have found myself becoming romantically attracted to a couple people I have met through my job, and I am trying hard to not think about them, but it's not easy.

Each time I am at the mall or walking in the park or whatever, I sometimes see old faces, people I know the name of, but who I have never spoken to before. My confidence as got worse since I returned to the small town, from college in the city. But I am really trying hard to improve my confidence and make it consistant. A while ago, I said hi to someone in the street but they showed no interest in speaking to me, despite the fact we went to the same school when we were kids. Little incidents like that kind of knock my confidence, so I often find myself not taking opportunities to talk to people. And the suburb where I live doesn't help things very much, as the neighbours are the most friendly people in the world and they go everywhere in their cars, but I walk or take the bus, so it's not often than I pass any neighbour by in the street. There's even a girl I like who lives in my neighbourhood, but whenever I see her, she walks with her head looking down at the sidewalk, which doesn't make it easy to start a conversation with her. I really want a girl back in my life, as my last girlfriend (I was with her for a year) was from the city where I went to college, so again, I didn't spend as much time in my home town.

And I've tried all the stuff like evening classes, going with my parents when they do the grocery shopping, going to the library, going to bars and cafes with the few friends I have in the town, but it never seems to go anywhere. Weeks can go by without me spotting a face I know, probably because a lot of old faces have now moved away with their jobs, college or whatever.

Maybe it's not important for me to get to know people in my town again. Maybe I should concentrate on the friends I have in the city where I went to college (it is a 90 minute train ride), but I work hard and don't have the time to commute all the time, to socialise.

Maybe someone will relate to my situation, but I just wanted to express my feelings.

Would the same be true if you had a crush on a client of the firm you work for?

It was interesting reading your comments on online relationships. I just wanted to say that I agree that it's essential to meet someone face to face before you can decide you're 'together' and to that end it's such a shame that there are a lot of people out there who use the internet as a way of getting constant attention. I've come accross people who give out their cell number so that they receive endless messages from guys/girls on the Net, with no intention of meeting them. People like that are sad. I agee with what some of you said about the internet being great for people who don't tend to meet many people, for whatever reason. I think relationships that start in chat rooms have more of a foundation than those that start via online personal ads or dating sites, because in a chat room you can build a rapport with someone without only speaking to them because of their good looks, if you get what I'm saying.

Yeh I think you're all right. I should focus on finding someone nearer home because this girl will be moving thousands of miles away soon and I don't want a long distance relationship. Been there and done that and although I had the commitment, the other person didn't. And then there was my last girlfriend. We were together for about 8 months and then she moved to Australia with her job. Right now I could do with some stability and besides, if some traits about this girl annoy me, it's not exactly the recipe for a great chemistry, you're right.

If you can't make up your mind over whether you like a girl and whether you want anything serious with her or not, even after having gone on a couple of dates with her, is it fair to say that you should probably forget the idea?

I've met up with this girl a couple of times, just going for coffee with her, and she hardly says anything. It's always me starting the conversations. Sure, she could be shy as I'm shy too, but not 1-to-1. Her laugh kind of annoys me too, but except these 2 things, I do quite like her as she's different, kind, genuine, physically attractive and so on. I'm not sure whether I'm just using the 2 negative things as excuses because I don't want to get hurt again by someone leaving my life (she's moving back to the U.S in October and I live in the U.K). I could really do with a girl closer to home and I wouldn't want her to stay just for me. Maybe that says something, I don't know. There's someone I like who lives nearer to home, so maybe I should concentrate on getting talking to her.

Any news since you last posted, with the situation between you and the co-worker?

I've also struggled to meet girls because I don't really like going to clubs either, and unfortunately girls in the UK are obsessed with clubbing. Coffee shops are a good idea but people aren't as open to being talked to when in places like coffee shops, compared to places like pubs and clubs. People have suggested in the past that I joined a gym too, but I didn't bother as I work out in other ways.

It's surprising how one person who replied to your message said they'd be freaked out if a guy (a stranger) asked them out in the street, but people keep telling me that if I like someone who works in a bank or a shop or whatever, I should just ask her out, just like that. Surely that'd freak them out too huh. But then I'm not great at 'chit chat' or small talk. I'm great 1 on 1, but not when there are other customers waiting or whatever.

What toggle said about saying hi to someone every day and then one day going and talking to them is a good idea. The only problem is if they are always walking along with their head looking down, grrh.

Keep the faith...

You got it, I don't work in the bank, I just do my boss's banking in that bank. I'm attracted to this teller but I've never spoken to her before. Occasionally I see her in the street, but not very often. I'm quite shy but I would have the confidence to ask her out, but the reservation I have is that her colleagues will make fun of me if she tells them, i.e. giving me funny glances when I go to the bank. It's my boss's bank, so I can't exactly start using another one because I caused embarrassment for myself. But then I guess she might not embarrass me and she might even say yes, so I reckon I'll go for it

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About your co-worker situation... If you've had lunch together it sounds like you're on speaking terms. I understand what you mean about her not "getting it" as she has a lot of friends. If you can overlook what might happen at work if she says no, I'd say go for it and ask her if you can see her outside work. Just say something like "it'd be good to go out after work sometime. I like you a lot."

The one thing I forgot to say earlier is don't mention 'your situation' to her, telling her that you've found it uncomfortable for a while and stuff like that. It's like me and this mystery teller I've got a crush on - I originally thought of saying "I've wanted to speak to you ever since I started doing the banking", but that might freak her out. Best not to mention things like that.

I wish I could take my own advice..!

You're welcome and if I can think of any better advice I'll certainly post it up on this site for you, as I'm going through similar things, not being fearful of rejection but beng fearful of doing something wrong, albeit it socially and not in the workplace.

Perhaps in a way, you're overly confusing the situation (something I often do myself). Just to clarify, have you expressed an interest in her, to her face i.e. told her? I mean, she might be attracted to you too, but your body language might confuse her a bit. I'm the same - when I like a girl, I try to hard not to show it, trying to talk to her as a friend or 'general person' at first, but by the time I show my romantic interest in her, it's too late as I've come accross as a bit cold or some other guy's got there first.

I sympathise with how you're feeling now you've overheard something about her meeting a guy during a recent weekend. You're probably panicking a bit, right? It's a shame you've had to go to the doctor's about it, but I know things can get like that.

Tell me, would you be able to resume a friendly office relationship with her if she rejected your romantic interest? Playing games is tough isn't it, but for guys like us, being direct and forward's not so easy. Have you told a colleague about your attraction to this girl?

I reckon you should try being friendly and talkative to her for a couple of days and then ask her if she'd like to go for a meal, coffee or drink after work. See what she says. If she says no or makes up some excuse, it's painful but you'll just have to live with it. I've found a good way to cope with that is go to the ironic extreme of being really friendly towards someone who's rejected you, to show that you weren't just showing an interest in them purely because you fancy them.

Hopefully some of what I spluttered out will make sense.

What do you reckon about my situation by the way, me being attracted to someone who works in the bank? I would ask her out, sure, but I'm worried about the consequences if she said no. But maybe I'm worrying too much, thinking she might tell my boss or her colleagues in the bank, that I asked her out.

You sound similar to me in that you don't want to do the wrong thing. Most people would just say relax, go for it, etc, but I think it's better to be cautious than make a mess of things.

Not that I'm going to be much help, but I've come accross other 'supervisor is the girlfriend/wife of supervised' scenarios, so it does happen, someone dating someone they supervise from the same office.

Are you a bit cautious about telling her you like her in general, and not just because you're her supervisor? I just wondered if you get the impression than your bosses would frown upon you dating someone you supervise? It differs from company to company I guess.

I'm in a similar situation in that I work in an office where a lot of people come and go during each day, and I'm attracted to one of the company's clients, but I can't pluck up the courage to talk to her. I've never found it easy talking to people outside my 'comfort zone', such as the time I liked someone who worked in the bank. I'm always worried about the consequences if they say no, but I guess someone having made fun of me at school for having asked out their sister, doesn't mean that a mature adult would react the same if a guy asked her out, out of the blue.

Maybe...

Yeah I think I will do. And if she did act immaturely/'weird' about it, then maybe she wasn't the one anyway.

There's a girl I find myself attracted to and I'm at the stage in my life where I'm trying to boost my confidence and take chances, but she works in the bank and I'm still a bit worried about making a fool of myself. Sure, the worst she can say is no, but I'm worried she'll tell the other staff and every time I go to the bank they'll look at me like I'm weird. On the other hand she could say yes, so what do you reckon... go for it?