Tinydance

Well, to be honest I think you're both kind of in the wrong. My belief is that you shouldn't be pressuring your partner to do an activity with you that they're not into. I think it was quite obvious that your boyfriend isn't into swimming, it's just not his thing. I think in that case, yes you can go swimming with other people because he's not interested. I also don't really understand why you can't just go swimming by yourself? I understand it's more fun to go with other people but it's also the sort of activity that someone can do alone.

What I see a red flag with is that your boyfriend was going through your phone. I don't think that anyone has the right to go through anyone's phone. Even if they suspect something, they should talk to their partner directly and try to sort it out. Going through someone's phone is a violation of privacy. It also sounds to me like you're pretty upfront about what you're up to, who you're talking to, etc. So your boyfriend doesn't really need to look at your phone because you're not hiding anything.

I think that unfortunately you and your boyfriend have very different views on opposite gender friends. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is OK with you having male friends. Which is actually a problem if most of your friends are male. I do understand though why he got suspicious about this particular friend. This friend used to like you in the past. Also you'd be swimming in a bathing suit, presumably even a bikini. A guy is likely to check you out, especially a guy who used to be into you. Your boyfriend obviously knows how guys think because he is one lol

Well I actually think that being assertive and being dominant are two different things. To me being dominant means that someone is very pushy and self focused. I personally never thought of the word "dominant" as a positive word. When I think of a dominant person, I think of someone who wants to take over everything, makes everything about them, dictates what to do. Calls all the shots, in other words. I have a strong personality myself so I usually don't get along with people who are dominant. Be it a man or a woman.

I don't think that a man should be more dominant. But likewise I don't think one partner should be more dominant than the other in a relationship. I think relationships should be more about equality. I know there are cultures that do believe men should be more dominant and even women are raised to think that. So I'm not sure if maybe you're from a culture where it's believed a man is meant to be more dominant than a woman.

In terms of being assertive, I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. Assertive just means that you don't let people treat you badly and like a doormat.

I think the hot air balloon example you gave is a tricky one. On one hand you had already spent a lot of money and time on booking the hot air balloon ride. But on the other hand, if your ex didn't feel comfortable to go, you can't exactly force her. I don't think it would be right to push her to go if she got scared or something. I mean, there are certain activities which can actually make people feel really anxious. Like, bungee jumping, paragliding, hot air balloon. They're all things where you're very high up in the sky. I think that you probably should have expressed that you were disappointed though. The thing if you always act like everything is fine, people can take you for granted.

I don't think that being assertive or dominant necessarily means there will be a spark though. I'm sure there are people out there who are very shy and quiet in successful relationships. A spark means that you're just vibing and clicking with that person.

Whether you like that they're assertive and dominant would depend on whether you vibe with that sort of person. (I don't). I get along much better with more quiet people because I'm more loud and dominant myself. So I don't necessarily think your theory is right. Lack of spark probably just means these women didn't fall for you or they saw things in you that's not right for *them*. Doesn't mean you're not going to be the right match for someone else.

So does your friend do this a lot where he only invites you somewhere because other people can't come? Or he invites you just by yourself too? You said he's a close friend so you talk and hang out often?

To me it depends on the actual situation how I feel about it. If I have a friend who only invites me somewhere to "fill in" for someone else, then I'd feel a bit upset. But if they invite me other times too then it wouldn't bother me.

I actually do this sometimes too because I organise a lot of outings. I also win a lot of free tickets to theatre, music gigs, things like that. So for example if I organised to go to the cinema and paid for tickets. If someone can't come then I might ask someone else. Or I win free tickets and I only ask someone at the last minute. But I talk to my friends a lot and invite them out one-on-one as well. 

I also don't really feel offended if someone I'm not close to asks me to come somewhere because someone else cancelled. Like, if they're an acquaintance and they don't contact me much. I'm not offended because I know we're not close but they just had a spare ticket. Or they want to see a band and need someone to see it with. I think the only time I'd be offended is if I'm close to someone but they only invite me out instead of someone else.

If you'd really like to go to Spain then go and have a good time! Sometimes it's also about doing the activities together and enjoying it. Like, sometimes I had free movie tickets. I put on Facebook and a distant acquaintance replied that she'd go with me. Normally I didn't speak to her much but we just went out together to see the movie. Like activity buddies.

I also wanted to add that it's OK to have certain expectations of friends. After all friendship isn't a job so you're friends with people by choice. But if someone isn't meeting your expectations then you either need to accept them as is, or you end the friendship.

Like for example if someone never wants kids and they're single but their friend gets married and has kids. For example if they want to go out to parties or bars, likely that friend won't go with them. And likely that friend will talk about their kids and spouse a lot. So the person can either just end the friendship because that friend isn't suitable to them anymore, or they can accept that the friendship is limited. Like, they can still message each other but they won't go to a bar or club together. So they might decide to make other friends to go to the bar. But they will still speak to their friend and catch up for a coffee when they can.

39 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I don't resent her for this at all ! And apart from her boyfriend and his friends, she does not have friends in this city either.

 

I never said nor implied that.

When I knew she was lonely, I offered my help, it was an automatic behavior for me, so I just find it weird that she wouldn't reciprocate ? In her shoes, I know I would have been more thoughtful, boyfriend or not

 

I know that as well. But to be fair, plenty of other women in a relationship nurture their friendships. I realized this when I met some groups of women hanging out together, on meet up, all coupled up. 

 

But at the end of the day, she's not giving me what I want. So I will continue to hang out with my new friends, but I really have that itch to tell her how I feel. 

I just don't really understand why she told me a few months earlier that she prioritized friendship. Like, how ? 

Well you said why is she asking you to invite you out with her friends when she didn't invite you with hers. And that you don't want to invite her because she didn't do it for you. As I said, you don't have an obligation to invite her. Personally I probably wouldn't invite her in the sense that I wouldn't text her and be like: "Hey I'm letting you know we're going out tonight and you should come." But if you were just talking about it in conversation and she asked: "Can I come?", I wouldn't be like: "No you can't " I mean, it's not necessary to get revenge or something.

Also what has your friendship with her been like? Do you mean that she would always text you a lot and catch up a lot until she found that boyfriend? I mean you said you moved away for a number of years. So I'm assuming you didn't see each other much during those years? 

Like, you've got expectations that because you moved back to that city and were lonely that she needs to be 100% constant bestie now. But when you needed to move away and you couldn't catch up, you weren't there either. People can actually drift away if they don't see each other for a number of years. I'm not saying you weren't there deliberately but it's just life circumstances.

And yes I'm sure there are women in those Meetup groups who really prioritize friendships. And that's why they're actually in the Meetup. They have free time and specifically want new friends so they are acting very keen and available. It's a bit different to someone who's preoccupied with a relationship, study, etc.

Your friend probably has drifted from you. People actually do drift and I'm not saying it's not sad or disappointing. But you're just really fixated on this friend and you're really trying to mould the situation to what YOU want. You need to stop trying to push it in the direction you want because your friend just doesn't want to go in that direction. Maybe she's an a-hole for it but this is where she's at. 

Look I don't blame you for being disappointed in your friend. I agree it's upsetting that she seems to be putting no effort into your friendship anymore. Or not much anyway. However I'm really noticing from your posts that you do have some kind of unhealthy attachment to your friend. You also have unhealthy expectations of what friendship is supposed to be like.

This is my opinion...While friends are meant to be supportive, they don't actually have a responsibility towards you to have your life organised. For example, if you're struggling to find a job, yes it would be nice if they got you a job at their work or their connections. But they don't HAVE to do it. It doesn’t make them a bad friend if they don't.

I think it's the same with making friends. If your friend has other friends, they don't have a responsibility towards you to invite you out with them and make sure you have friends too. If they want to catch up with those people on their own it's fine. It's unfortunate that at that time you didn't have friends and were lonely. But it's not your friend's job or responsibility to make sure you're not lonely and take you out with her boyfriend or friends. As an adult you need to look after yourself. If you're looking for a job, you don't expect your friend to write your resume and job applications, right? You have to do that on your own.

I just think it's a bit weird that you have this resentment towards your friend because you didn't know anyone but she did. You said you moved away for some years and you lost touch with people. That's not her fault. I understand you were lonely but you ended up in that situation because of the circumstances. It wasn't your friend's fault and she didn't need to help "fix it". If she's enjoying spending time with her boyfriend that's normal. He obviously has a group of friends and he asks her to come along so she does. She said she can come along with your group too. There are also people who actually prefer to hang out in a group sometimes. Rather than just doing a lot of one-on-one catch ups. 

Also as has been discussed before, people change sometimes as life goes on. It seems you want like a female best friend (preferably single). You want a female bestie that you go out and do things with, have deep conversations, etc. Well she isn't actually single now, she's spending time with her boyfriend and she's studying. Her life has changed and she's living that life now. It's not reasonable that you're still expecting her to fit in with your expectations of that single, free bestie. This is what YOU want but she's not that anymore.

37 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

For some context a year and a half ago, before she met her boyfriend we both agreed it would be nice to meet more people because we knew no one in the city. 

So I tried meetup sporadically back then, and I always invited her. She wasn't willing to try meetup or others apps of her own because of her anxiety, so I said "it's okay, you can join me and we'll make new friends". 

She is still in contact with one of the girls that she met through the app. Then, I had to move to another city and only came back in may 2023.  

I tried meetup again a few times, but both girls I clicked with had to relocate. She knew this.

In the summer, she finds a boyfriend, gets 100% invested in her relationship, puts less efforts in our friendship and updates me about how she meets a ton of people through her boyfriend and I don't know if it ever crossed her mind that maybe, she could offer me to meet those people, just like I always included her in my plans. 

I never asked because I figured that if she wanted to, she would, and I didn't want her to feel pressured. 

I am not a mean nor angry person, but I am starting to feel resentful.

I find that she has some nerve, to neglect this friendship for almost a year and then ask me to swoop in and meet the friends I made in the mean time, while never including me in her social life 🙄

 

But you are right, I will stop talking about the new people I am meeting and I will simply do this. 

Well, the way I see it, you actually don't need to include her with your friends. Personally I don't think it's an obligation or anything like that. I have many friends myself and I'm in two different friendship groups and also have a couple of close friends who aren't in those groups. For example, I'm in a group of four women I've known for 25 years from school. I'm also in another group which is like five women and one man. Then I have a female best friend who isn't in those groups. If I have a Birthday party I do invite all my friends. But other than that I don't invite them out all together. That's not because I don't want to or I'm being possessive of my friends. We just don't have expectations that we need to invite others when we catch up. Even in that group of five women and a guy, sometimes some of us will catch up separately. E.g. Just me and guy friend. We are chill and don't think anything if some people want to have some one-on-one time.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I understand this better now, thank you 🙂 Through Meetup, I have met many single women in their 30s or 40s and it helped me realize that my fears were quite groundless  : being single at any age is not a fatality.

Some of these women were single by choice, others just happened to be single because their last relationship ended, which brings me to my next point : nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just have to make the most of what you have. (at least that's what I am getting out of it)

I have chatted with most of them and they were lovely and had a great social life. It greatly reduced my anxiety because it gave me a sense of agency.

 

Anyway, some of you here pointed out the fact that I was too needy and high maintenance with my close friend. 

I took that into consideration and I went out of my way to expand my social circle. You were right, it tackled my loneliness and I have met great people, doing hobbies that I enjoy. So far, so good 🙂 

The situation with my friend has not improved at all lol. But it's okay, it barely hurts now because I have others things to do. 

It got to the point where I am really happy, going out 2 to 3 times a week with my new friends and I just feel less close to the former one : she takes weeks to reply to my texts, never checks on me, her texts are also very briefs.

She does not have the time to hang out but when we do, she mentions going out with her boyfriend and partying with his friends several times a week. I see her reply to his texts immediately. 

So yeah, she puts way less effort in this friendship than before, but it's her prerogative and I respect that, she has every right not to prioritize me. 

Anyway, we saw each other last week (after almost 6 weeks) and what bugs me the most, is that she asked if she could come and meet my new friends because she wants to socialize as well.  

Meanwhile, I have not met her boyfriend nor his friends and she never invited me to their parties, even though she knew I knew no one in this city.

I am delighted that I have finally found a group of people to have a good time with, I absolutely don't want to share this with her especially because I had to make these efforts after she downgraded our friendship. 

And now she wants to come and meet them like it's easy 🙄

I don't think she has ill intention, but personally, I feel used... 

I said I was going to think about it, but I am perfectly sure that I want to compartmentalize things. 

I intend to tell her that I felt quite lonely this past year and that I had to make a special effort to socialize, that I am happy that I finally found "my people" and that I want to keep it that way, just like she has "her people" (her boyfriend and his friends). 

 

At the same time, I am worried that this will cause a rift in our friendship 😕 And I wonder if my behavior is vindictive ? 

 

Thank you !! 

 

Thank you for the update Shy! I'm really glad to hear that you're having fun with your new friends! I actually don't think you have an obligation to invite anyone out with your group of friends. Like, you can if you want to. But you don't HAVE to. I think that seeing as your friend barely puts any effort at all into your friendship, you can just do the same. If you're going out with your new friends then go out with them and don't message her to come too. You also don't really need to update her that you're going out with them either.

I could be wrong but it seems to me that she's very worried about preserving the relationship with her boyfriend. So she always puts him first and only goes out with him and his friends. But maybe she's not even having a good time with them. If she was then why would she be asking to come out with you and your new friends?

In terms of relationships, I actually see it as a fluid thing. In the sense that anyone can be single or in a relationship at any given time. So that's why I thought it was a bit unusual how you were talking about single people and people in relationships as different species or something lol

And yeah there are all sorts of people out there. For example I have a female friend who's been married for 17 years with kids. And I have another female friend who at 39 has never been with anyone whatsoever in any romantic or physical way. But I think most people go in and out of relationships. I don't mean constantly but even if they're in a 10 year relationship, it might end. I don't think most people prioritise romantic relationships, but some do sure. Everyone is different.

Well, first of all, I think five months is actually not that long to date if you're in the Western world. If it's some kind of arranged marriage and you're allowed to spend time together for five months before actually legally marrying then yes it's probably enough time. But in the Western culture five months can really just be a getting to know you phase. Usually people in the West don't rush into relationships and especially not into marriage these days. So after five months someone can say they're not feeling a spark even if you were actually having sex. They were seeing how the relationship goes and decided you weren't the right person.

I think where the sex is an issue is that you're saying you won't have sex before marriage. That puts a lot of pressure on the guy to then actually marry you but five months isn't that long to know each other. Especially because you met on a dating app and didn't even know each other before that. So it's different if you were friends or at least acquaintances first.

This guy probably didn't just want sex and was OK to wait but he wasn't going to wait forever. If you were being affectionate it's natural he would feel horny. He probably realised that he does want that physical and sexual intimacy. And he can't have it from you.

Do you say on your online dating profile what your beliefs about sex are? My advice would be to use Christian dating sites or go to church and meet guys who also want to wait for sex before marriage.

I think with situations like this, it really depends on the actual circumstances. I don't think it's that strange or inappropriate for people to thank medical staff for taking care of them or their loved ones. For example, my Dad died of cancer and he had a very kind, very dedicated male oncologist who treated him for a year. Both my mother and I thought very highly of this doctor. I said to my Mum that I wanted to give the oncologist a thank you card and a box of chocolates. I wasn't interested in him romantically at all but simply wanted to say thank you for everything that he had done for my father to try to save his life.

I think in this particular situation, the gesture was more a thank you for nurses week and the fact that OP looked after the guy's Mum. Also she said she grew up with that guy so she knew him. Where I think it would seem suspicious is if she hardly knew the guy and the money wasn't for anything in particular or any occasion.

However, this is more a comment about accepting money in general. I think it's a bit different if someone has your address and sends a gift in the mail. Or brings you a gift they already bought. In that sense they already paid for it and already delivered it to you, so it seems rude not to accept. But if someone asks for your bank account details to send you money, you don't actually have to say yes. Even if you're medical staff who helped them but doing this is actually your job which you already get paid for. And in a sense working in the medical field is supposed to be a caring, altruistic sort of job. You don't do the job to get gifts or money for it. So in my opinion it was just a bit in poor taste.

I do see some red flags though with the boyfriend interpreting any interaction with any male as flirtatious or romantic. If you're not allowed to say hi to a male acquaintance or interact with anybody male without being accused then it's like walking on eggshells. Which is very rich coming from someone who deliberately follows a lot of random women on social media.

17 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I think you all are wrong here.

You should not have posted asking for money, even though it was a joke.

He should not have asked for your CashApp to send you money.

You should have declined once he did.

Boyfriend over reacted.

But if I had to go with the least wrong?  Boyfriend.

I agree with this. I read your previous post about your boyfriend and to be honest he does sound overly jealous and possessive. It just doesn't really sound like you guys are on the same page regarding having opposite gender friends or talking to the opposite gender. I think it's fine to have male friends and I have a couple. If you run into a male friend and have a quick chat, it doesn't automatically mean you were flirting just because it's a guy. Unless you actually were visibly flirting. Also you said your boyfriend follows a lot of random women online so that's actually different to having male friends or acquaintances. 

I think in terms of the sending money situation...Your boyfriend reacted very over the top and especially by blocking you. I guess a situation like that really comes down to whether your boyfriend accepts you having male friends and whether this guy actually is your friend. If he is your friend and he sent the money for an occasion (nurses week) then it's not as bad. But if he's not someone you know very well then it does seem odd that he'd send money unless he had some ulterior motives.

On your end though, I'm not saying you wanted to be with that guy or you're into him. But I do find it odd that if you could have easily afforded that coffee, why you sent him your cash app details for him to send you the money. It does come across like maybe you were enjoying getting attention. Whether it be because you wanted recognition as a nurse, attention from this guy, or both. But I guess if you took care of his mother and his mother really liked you or something, maybe he really was just trying to be nice.

I think you and your boyfriend just rub each other the wrong way. You both don't want each other to talk to opposite gender on social media, but yet you're both actually doing it. Like, if you don't want him following women on social media then you shouldn't really accept money from guys on social media. And vice versa if he doesn't like what you did then he needs to stop following and liking all these women on Instagram. I think it's just not a healthy relationship where you're constantly monitoring his Instagram and he flips out every time you speak to a male.

Well IF this guy seemed good and you weren't finding anything concerning, it would be fine to meet him. I think you could still come for two days and just stay with family. If you have friends and family in the area then you could catch up with them as well. Like, you could meet the guy one day and if you want to see him again, you see him again the next day. But if you don't want to see him again then you just say: "Sorry I didn't feel a click, good luck with everything" and wish him well.

I'm not sure if this guy sounds that great though because what he said about beating you up was really lame. But I guess if you'd like to go back home to see family anyway you could meet him and just get peace of mind that at least you tried.

You mentioned that you need to get better at setting boundaries. I think that's a really good idea! I've found that different therapists can have very different approaches. Some therapists don’t say much, ask a few questions and just listen. Some say something about themselves to try to relate to their client. For example if they have something in common. I don't think it's 100% bad but it should really be kept to a minimum. Some therapists will also challenge you more than others. Personally I do prefer a therapist that comments on what I'm saying and challenges me. Rather than just sits back and listens. I don't want them to just be quiet or only repeat what I say. But that's just my personal preference.

I think it's fine to set boundaries with your therapist. If you like her overall but you would prefer she didn't talk about herself, it's fine to say that. You’re paying her money so it's your choice how to direct your therapy. As long as it's appropriate. But remember also that it's up to you to do this and not up to your girlfriend. 

9 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

I can tell you that how old she is definitely not something that she wanted my therapist to know hahaha. some people get so captious when they find out that one person in a relationship is older by a few years. it seems like you're more interested in her age due to thinking that she's immature though, so ill leave you with that. she's 24. we've been together for 4 years.
well... sometimes your intuition isn't right.
she's been my safe space and shoulder to cry on for years. there were no limits to what we talked about with each other before. so I think that it's also weird and painful for her to feel like im putting a wall between us.
okay... I will say that some of the reasons that she doesn't like my therapist are understandable. she also knows that I haven't had the best experiences with therapy when I was (younger) due to my therapists, so to me it seems like she's being a little overprotective of me also

What has your therapist done that warrants her not being liked? Could you provide what she has said and done specifically?

8 hours ago, mylolita said:

I feel Alias this is understandable.

 

I can actually see both sides and don’t automatically think your girlfriend is “the bad guy!”

 

I’m also tainting this with personal experience as well! I had an old friend I’d grown up with and come up through school with. She struggled with an eating disorder as did I at certain points. We both never discussed anything to do with diets which, is the strange part, but because she was only 15 her Dad had her put in therapy and she was instantly heavily medicated. She walked around like a zombie for 2 years. She gained weight but lost her essence. She used to fall asleep in class.

 

I think it’s important if therapy is the route you’re going down to do your research and find a doctor you really click with. Try and maybe ask your girlfriend what would put her at ease? Would she maybe like to search for local therapists near you together? Maybe alongside your own therapy you could attend a group with her or regular date nights? So you can talk and set that time aside for each other along with your private development.

 

x

I just get the sense that you don't like therapists either/don't think much of them. It's very common here in Australia to see a therapist or at least to be a client of some kind of social welfare service for mental health, addiction issues, and so on. The Australian government is quite generous with giving funding towards social welfare. You can actually get a mental health care plan from your doctor to see a psychologist ten times a year which is heavily subsidised by the government. There are some very good therapists our there like my last therapist who actually genuinely cared and was very kind.

In any case, the OP himself wants to see a therapist and finds it useful. In my opinion that's his choice to do what he feels is helpful to him. If his girlfriend really wants to support him then she needs to stand by what he wants to do to improve himself. I understand if she's worried he's becoming more low or stand offish after therapy sessions. But it makes no sense to blame the therapist for this and call her swear words. I'm sure the therapist isn't telling him to behave like this towards his partner. It's just not mature to put blame on the therapist when she needs to address this with him, her partner.

OP, how old are you and your girlfriend? How long have you been together? Personally I'm getting a bad feeling about your relationship and I agree with the others who said it might not last. 

Your girlfriend doesn’t sound emotionally mature or like she understands what therapy actually is. You said she basically forces you to tell about what you talked about in therapy like you have no other option. In my opinion that's a huge red flag. You don't have any obligations to tell her what you talked about.

You’re right that therapy is private and it's supposed to be confidential. That's why therapists don’t tell anyone at all about what you said. Unless it's a legal matter requested by court or you're at risk of hurting yourself or others. You’re supposed to feel like therapy is a private space just to talk about whatever you want. By forcing you to tell her everything you say in therapy, your girlfriend is taking that safe space away from you.

She sounds very paranoid that you're talking to your therapist about her. Firstly, it's actually normal to talk to your therapist about your partner. Even if it’s something negative, you're working things out and discussing them. If your girlfriend thought your relationship is solid then she wouldn't worry about what you tell the therapist and wouldn't care what the therapist thinks.

My ex-fiance always went to a therapist and I actually never even thought to ask him how it went. To be honest it literally didn't even enter my mind if he talked about me or not. I actually wouldn't even care if my partner talked about me in therapy. It seems to me people who are insecure or abusive in some way are scared the therapist would find out they're abusive. 

Secondly, even if you have become more withdrawn after therapy, that's YOU doing that. Your girlfriend can't blame the therapist and call her names. Your therapist isn't controlling you. Any behaviours you display are YOUR behaviours. The therapist isn't the enemy here.

6 hours ago, mylolita said:

Of course, but if something causes a big rift in your relationship, between a couple, you can’t just say “well tough it’s what I want to do so you can’t stop me” or it will probably spell the end of the relationship. 
 

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want. A part of me would personally love to go back to the gentleman’s club I used to work at and start stripping and pole dancing again from 9pm till 3am but, I think rightfully so, my husband doesn’t like that idea as I’m a married woman and mother of three young kids. Is it my right to go do what I want? Sure - but not at the detriment of my marriage. It’s not that important to me. 
 

I actually think, reading between the lines, the OP’s girlfriend fears talking about their problems with a third party will mean eventually the end of their relationship. I actually have a hunch it might not be much to do with female personality traits but they are maybe potentially a small factor. I think this says more about the fractured nature of their relationship than the debate over whether he sees a therapist or not. I would actually predict the relationship won’t last, whether he sees one or not, but I think his girlfriend is right to know if he sees a therapist, it may spell the beginning of the end sooner than if he hadn’t.

 

I’m not saying she’s right by the way - I can just sense her reasoning behind it and I think there is a shred of truth in her worry. 
 

x

Pole dancing and seeing a therapist are extremely different things! Of course there are things you need to change or give up if you're in a relationship. Like, you shouldn't cheat, go on dating apps, and so on. But you're allowed to have friends, hobbies, see a therapist. And you don't have to quit a job if your boss or colleagues are opposite gender.

We are talking about normal versus unacceptable things in a relationship. Most people don't find their partner seeing a therapist abnormal or inappropriate. Getting therapy is very common.

I think if your partner feels secure in themselves and in your relationship, they won't see everyone as a threat to the relationship. E.g. If my partner gets served by a female shop assistant, I don’t care. If someone is insecure, or jealous, they might be like: "You were flirting with the shop assistant" when in fact that wasn't true. Someone jealous and insecure projects their own feelings. They see others as a threat by default.

6 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

There are good therapists and bad therapists, ethical and unethical, professional and unprofessional. Has nothing to do with gender, please, what year are we in?
There, however, can be transference when working with a therapist of a gender you're attracted to but it's something super normal, super basic and anybody who's been trained would know how to navigate through it.

A good therapist won't try to sway their client's opinion one way or another. If they see a person who's highly influenced by others' opinion, at most they would try to help them develop healthy boundaries. Who could be against that? Only someone who's taking advantage of the lack of boundaries in the first place.
I find it mighty hypocritical to accuse other people of putting thoughts in your partner's head but have no problem if you're the one who bosses said partner around. Moreover, I find it disrespectful to imply that the partner is unable to think for themselves.

A friend or a relative would be a much more biased confidant based on whose side they come from. Therapists generally avoid giving their personal opinion, because they're not there to give advice. Some of them won't say a thing even if asked directly. Others would share personal insights but not where the ground is unstable. Again, depends on the therapist because they're human, they come from different schools of psychology, have different understanding and experience what works better, etc.

А therapeutic process is not about who's right or wrong in a conflict. Conflicts are considered normal, even healthy to a certain extent, can't be solved outside of the couple's intimate space and a good therapist wouldn't try to do that. They would encourage loving communication over unconscious reactivity and try to give useful tools to overall navigate through conflicts with less damage. Somatic practices, questions to ask, approaches to have, whatever. I don't see how therapy would be working if you never open certain topics, as is the one about your partner. It's all connected and it's not a threat against the relationship. It can be, if the relationship is super unhealthy, abusive, controlling but in the direction of "eye-opening". No good therapist would point to a problem where there's none or force an action the client isn't ready and wanting to do.

Lastly, there's a "we" that needs to be treasured and protected but there's also a "me". It's a good thing to take care of the "me", so that you have a stronger, more conscious "we". We shouldn't turn our backs towards our inner world. I'm all for sharing your deepest thoughts and concerns with a partner but 1) willingly, not forcefully; 2) if it's a safe space - not where they would freak out, find it somehow personal against them or dismiss you. So, I think not everything can be solved by sharing it with your partner.

A good therapist won't agree to be the couple's therapist if they simultaneously work with one of the partners.

OP, your girlfriend is very bothered but I'm not sure the true reason for that has been said aloud. Is there any way you can sit and discuss in a calm and mature way what really is the problem? She seems very insecure and threatened. She's looking for subtle differences in your behaviour and makes up problems to further support a point that your therapeutic process is working against your relationship and this is not productive. You should not act towards the pseudo-reasons, please, look together for the root of the problem and address that. Please, reiterate to her that your health and well-being are being positively affected and you need therapy in this moment of your life. Reassure her you love her. If you two you can talk calmly and openly about this, I'm afraid you don't have good communication and it will get worse down the road.

P.S. I'm not a therapist but was in therapy for years, currently not.

100% this!!!! 

14 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I never said that! Generalising is realising it’s a “general” rule not an absolute rule. That’s surely what generally or generalising means! Unless I’m not in the same English language here! 
 

She doesn’t know her at all which I think is part of her concern/problem.

 

Maybe what would help the OP and his girlfriend would be for the OP to still have a private session with his therapist and then if she does offer a couples counselling, maybe do that together alongside the individual therapy. Or, alternatively seek couples therapy together with a different therapist they are both comfortable with.

 

I sometimes find when someone is in therapy, they are hailed as always right, because they are seen as a victim who needs help, and anyone who says anything alternative (like his girlfriend) is instantly cut down and deemed possessive, jealous, or anything else. She actually may be all of those things, but I think her concerns have a right to also be heard and I would personally have the couple discuss this calmly between themselves and try to come up with a reasonable compromise that works (that might be a new therapist, couples therapy, or another therapeutic method to manage mental health like yoga, or other forms of alternative medicine, or regular exercise or journalling - anything).

 

Basically, she may be in the wrong, I don’t know them, but in my opinion she has a right to concern and to not like it, and not be dismissed and told “it’s none of your business” because, it is really, whilst they are in a relationship.

 

x

But he is allowed to do therapy. Anyone is allowed to do therapy. He doesn't need his girlfriend's permission. She has a right to have a concern, but what is the concern ABOUT? That women *can* be catty, that she doesn't know this therapist? The concern has to be about something and not just "it's a woman."

If she feels jealous that's fine but she doesn't need to act on it. Jealousy is mostly not good and that's why it's called the green eyed monster. Sorry but why should he change his individual therapy to couples therapy with her? Just to placate her and prove the therapist isn't catty or he's not sleeping with her? He's not allowed to do individual therapy because...why?

Let's say if my partner gets a new boss at work and the boss is female. It's OK if I feel jealous but it's not OK to tell my partner to quit his job. Is it OK if I tell my partner he needs to quit because since the boss is female, she *could* be catty. And since she's female, he *could* have an affair with her. When in reality I have no idea who this female boss is, what she's like, or anything about her.

Also if he wants to do therapy and not yoga - it's his choice. Same as if she wants to do salsa classes but not join a book club. Going to therapy isn't an issue so why does he need to change anything. I'm not saying he's right or a victim just because he wants to do therapy. I'm saying doing therapy is normal and his right to do so. So if she has a problem with it that's her issue.

For example I hate sport, always have. If my partner wants to play sport and I don't like it, is that his problem or mine? He's allowed to play sport if it's what he wants, it's a normal thing to do. If I don't like it I would need to be with someone else who doesn't want to play sport.

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And sure there are exceptions.  If a professional is a bad apple whether a therapist or medical doctor it's totally fine for the partner to speak up if something seems off.  Whether it's about a female who was unprofessionally flirtatious or giving medical or mental health advice that seems way out of bounds -sometimes the objective outsider can see  that better than the patient. 

When I was 10 we went to family therapy a few times. I liked going because afterwards we would go to a yummy restaurant lol.  The doctor -a stern looking man - responded to me when I described one of my family members as "crazy" - he corrected me and said something didactic like "we don't use that language -we say "neurotic"" or some 10 dollar term. I said right to him "we're paying you ___/hour and I'll say what I feel."  I stand by that 47 years later and if my partner hypothetically told me that his therapist was trying to control the words he used in that harsh way I'd be concerned too!

I agree if the therapist seemed inappropriate or unprofessional in any way then that's different. I was getting the impression from OP's post that right from the start she didn't want him to go to therapy and she also didn't want the therapist to be female. I didn't see anything written in the post that the therapist had actually done anything wrong.

In my opinion your partner also doesn't have a right to ask what you talked about in therapy. The whole point of therapy is it's meant to be confidential. If your partner required you to tell them everything you said in therapy every single time, it completely defeats the purpose. Therapy is meant to be a confidential and safe space. It’s absurd that his girlfriend basically demands and forces him to tell her what he discusses in therapy and gets angry if he doesn't tell her. She has no right to know what is being discussed unless he's threatening to harm himself or other people.

I also want to add that OP said right from the start that girlfriend wasn't happy with him doing therapy. And she basically said that she didn't like that it was a woman. So at that stage she didn't know anything about this therapist, who she was, whether she was catty or b*tch. She had no idea. So to me this really seems like some kind of control or jealousy issue that was there to begin with.

I also think that jealousy is a natural feeling and we all experience it. It's probably also OK to say you feel jealous but you need to work on it. In life we're always surrounded by people of the opposite gender. So we just need to trust our partner that they won't do anything instead of trying to control their life.

11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Women can absolutely be catty and this, in my opinion, is a stereotype and generalisation for a reason! 
 

Has anyone ever had experience working in an all female environment?

 

Phew! Good luck! 
 

x

Sure, women *can* be catty. Men *can* be macho alpha. However, not all are. So to say "get a male therapist because women can be catty" when she doesn't even know the therapist is just projection and stereotyping. 

27 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Tiny! 
 

People can of course do what they want - but the problem lies when you’re in a partnership or relationship and the other isn’t happy with your choice. Then, therapy isn’t just a “I’m doing it regardless of how you feel”. Or, it can be, you can do things regardless of how your partner feels all the time, go do what you like, it’s “none of their business” but I have a feeling those types of relationships won’t last long! 
 

I am not completely against talking to a therapist, but it can get personal. They may not explicitly say “break up with your partner” but at the same time they may be critical (even in a constructive way) or may encourage behaviours that aren’t actually going to grow or foster a close relationship. My opinion is, not all therapists are created equal. Some can be quite detrimental to the client, even for other reasons not to do with relationship guidance. 
 

To me what you have is two people in a relationship that’s hit some bumps, and one person isn’t happy with the others actions (this action being, to go to regular therapy and discuss personal issues plus potentially relationship issues). That’s quite understandable in my opinion and if you love someone, you have to take their feelings into account as well as your own.

 

Mental health to me has become very trendy and something that is used as a trump card to drown out all else. It is important and vital, of course, but relationships sometimes take compromise and if the relationship is worth salvaging, couples have to work out what’s best for them on their own unique terms.

 

I know a psychologist personally, he is a neighbour, and he’s been divorced twice and has three different children to different women. He is a very distinguished psychotherapist but you wouldn’t catch me paying him £500 an hour to softly guide me through my relationship problems! 
 

I caveat - not all therapists or therapy is bad, but, it isn’t the bee all and end all to every problem. It doesn’t always help, is my point. And whether the OP wants to put his mental health and therapy sessions above what his partner wants I think is his prerogative. By the way, I personally think she is being too hot headed about this and there are probably potentially many other issues but, I can see why there has been arguments. 
 

x

Sorry I'm really just confused by what you're saying. If someone isn't happy with their partners actions, there needs to be good reason for it, no? When we talk about people being controlling, it isn't your normal, socially acceptable behaviour. For example, let's say my partner's phone rings at 2:00 a.m. and it's an unknown woman calling. I'd have a right to question who is it and why is she calling. But if let's say my partner's female boss calls during the day and asks can he please fill in for someone at work tomorrow. And I get jealous and I'm like: "Why is your female boss calling you, are you having an affair??! Let me go through your phone." We call someone possessive or controlling only when that behaviour is out of the norm for the situation.

In my opinion here OP's girlfriend isn't actually reacting normally to him seeing a therapist. Therefore I don't think it's the same to say "she's not happy" with something he's doing and that he's "putting seeing the therapist above his girlfriend's feelings." If he was hanging out with another female he met at a party then yes you could say he's putting that female above his girlfriend. Here it's not a competition as the therapist is nobody to him, she's a professional and she’s not in his life. 

I feel like what you're saying is "pick your battles" and think about is it worth it to see the therapist over your girlfriend's feelings. That doesn't really make sense because the girlfriend's reactions aren't normal or valid. So why should he validate them? And this is exactly what being in a controlling or abusive relationship is - obeying and placating your partner even though they're not reasonable.

22 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

my short answer to that question would be that it's out of concern for both of us

Why is it actually a concern to her that you're seeing a therapist? Like, what's the problem?

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Just as a sideline - I understand seeing a therapist (many different sub categories to the word therapist as well) can drive wedges between couples. 
 

I’m not saying this is correct or wrong but, you can see why it can happen. 
 

You’re having problems and issues within your relationship, and basically a stranger comes in and hears your partners deepest concerns and wishes, minus you. It’s like when the guy has a problem with this wife having a male best friend, and she’s crying on his shoulder and hearing all her deep concerns from inside her heart. Even if it’s helping, you can see why the husband may have an issue with that.

 

Personally, relationships that work and gel well - the couple work through problems together!!! That’s how you learn to navigate disputes from the big to small. Our therapists don’t live with us and as adults I feel people need to learn to get on and sail the course of their own lives. Everytime as a couple you have a fight, a bicker, a disagreement, and you work it through between yourselves - is a massive lesson learnt as a couple and a huge life lesson as well. Therapy in my opinion takes this away from the couple and makes it some solo event which, being in a couple is definitely not. It’s team work; as corny as that sounds. Team work for the majority of the time. 
 

With regards to relationship advice or life advice, I would rather talk to a 90 year old who has been happily married for 70 years. Proof is in the pudding for me. 
 

Whatever issues you have as a couple I believe should be worked out together - it will either bring you closer or push you away, then you’ll know. 
 

Also, a niche opinion but, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and have 3 small children close together, and I’ll say there are a small number of problems and disagreements within relationships that simply cannot be worked out. No one is 100% compatible. I think therapy gives people this subtle hint that it can all be worked through and solved. There is no enlightened end game and no perfect harmony within a relationship to be found at the end of the therapy rainbow!

 

Apologies to therapists and psychologists everywhere 😆 

 

x

 

Sorry but I respectfully disagree with your post. You said that if someone is easily influenced or suggestible, that the therapist could influence someone to break up with their partner. I've seen different therapists and in my experience they usually only go off what you tell them yourself.

I very highly doubt that a therapist would tell someone to break up with their partner for basically no reason. Therapists don't usually tell clients what to do. But even if they did, it would be because the client themselves indicated they're unhappy with their partner. It never makes sense to me when people blame the therapist. Nobody can make anyone do something they don't want to do. Also often people actually want the therapist to validate what they already feel anyway. E.g. They say they're unhappy with their partner, therapist agrees and they break up because that's what they want to do to begin with.

I don't think your analogy is the same that a therapist comes in and "your partner is crying on their shoulder." This isn't someone they met in a bar. It's a medically trained professional who has a client/therapist relationship with them.

Therapy isn't crying on someone's shoulder but it's working on your issues with a professional with a degree and training to help you work on them. So it's really different to crying on a friend's shoulder.

Above all the therapist actually gets paid a lot of money for it. They are essentially a stranger providing a service to you the same as a shop assistant would. They aren't in your life. Unless you're having an affair with your therapist, you don't actually talk to them or see them outside of therapy. And you basically don't know anything about them either except what they choose to put on Google. 

I don't think that couples only should work on issues together and that's all. Of course they should do that but there is nothing wrong with wanting to speak to a therapist either. Someone has the right to do therapy and their partner should be supportive about it. The partner doesn't need to know what is said in therapy. I did therapy and so did my partners and we didn't ask each other what was being said in the sessions.