This is the deal:
When you read this, please understand that I would very much like to get back with my ex, even though it may not always appear that way. I am a guy 35 years of age, from Europe currently living in the Fare East. Some 6 years ago my fiancé, our daughter and I moved the native country of my fiancée from Europe to open a business.
We had a very hard time to put it mildly, not a lot of money but a lot of work. My fiancée did accounting and general office work 1/2 days and took care of home, shopping etc. the rest of the day. My normal working week was around 70 – 80 hours. A couple of years after moving here we got a son too. Then after about 5 years my fiancée decided to move back to Europe because, as she said she did not love me, added to the hardship we were enduring.
I immediately woke up and tried everything possible to save the situation work less etc. But all to no avail. She left my then in September last year, with our two kids, to see if she would miss me again. She is staying with her brother, still, a person I do not have a very good relationship with. Due to the children we had contact weekly and spoke on the phone, I asked her (maybe not smart) constantly if she now loved me and wanted to come back. But she did not. At times we would fight on the phone, at times we would have nice conversations. Some times we would talk about very intimate things we had done together and how nice it had been. Up and down, but each time I got close to the subject to save the family she got irritated, mad and started to accuse me of this that and the other. Some things she were right, others she were not (in my opinion).
Sometimes in November after one of these sessions she told me that she had a boy friend. I was devastated to say the least.
I then started to date different people and from time to time told her of my dates. She was curious, and almost liked to talk about it. Not about what she did, but what I did, like she wanted to get the details. I gave them.
We continued to have sessions where we spoke well and others when we did not speak well at all. We finally got the financial aspects sorted out and came to an agreement that would not milk the company so that I could continue.
I then tried to put her on ice based on a suggestion from a friend for a couple of weeks. That worked because she would send me text messages on the phone telling me that the kids were not missing me anymore, I then started to call back, and she heard from me what was going on.
Over the past 8 months she would from time to time ask me about my future plans other times she would just ignore it. Either she is a good actor, or just very much up and down.
Then she went of vacation with our kids and used a substantial amount of money on a credit card she had taken with her. When I found out I got somewhat upset because I thought that she had cut the damm credit cards. When I told her she got infuriated saying that this was my contribution to the kids etc. I ate that one, but when I found out from my daughter that her new boy friend had been along too, and I in fact had, indirectly paid for him too, I got really mad and refused to pay it, or at least deduct it in the child support payments. She told me that he (Her new boy friend) had paid for the plane tickets What followed was a barrage of text messages over the cell phone with one accusation after the other (from both sides) accusing each other of everything under the sun relating to our relationship..or lack of.
It got to the point where neither of us would speak to each other. I then changed approach to the following (sounds crazy but again after advice from a friend).
I told her that I have been thinking a lot over this and spoken to my dad and actually have come to the conclusion that maybe I had not loved her as I thought I did but simply had been to dumb not to see the writing on the wall the way she had + a lot of other talk along this line. I also wished her good luck with her new boy friend and hoped that she would be happy with him and he (in contrast to me) would love her and cherish her. (Again the underlying tone was that I had not because I really had not loved her the way I thought I did) I told her that I had just been jalousie, and that jalousie had nothing with love to do at all. At the same time I assured her that child support payments and the agreed settlement would of course be paid. (And this is also my honest intentions but that is beside the point)
What I wanted to achieve was to "disarm her" so that she would think I have finally let her go and she can do what ever she wants. (Which she of course can) Basically say I like you, I know you went through a lot with me now I really hope it's going to work out between you and your boy friend, you deserve it.
She was to say the least somewhat skeptical on the phone when I said all that. When I then later that day agreed to pay for half the credit card bills from this vacation in the interest of peace her answer was "Just do what ever you think is fair".
Background facts:
She had been married before me, and left her former husband when she became pregnant with our first child. I know he was hard broken. Their relationship had been up and down.
She has gone through a lot of hardship with me, and up to a year or two ago done what could be expected to make life good for our little family. I have absolutely no complaints.
Her brother is a gold digger who exercises an enormous control over her. They trust each other with the most intimate details. When I came in the picture he would tell me that her previous husband was such and such and not a nice guy etc. now I'm the idiot.
Since she left me her brother has at times been nice and other times been mad (which he displays by not talking to me when I call to talk to the kids)
I am not rich and I cannot pay the settlement now. We have worked on a business project and if it goes well it won't be a problem if not it will be a huge problem to settle. The agreement is that if I cannot pay it within 3 years I do not have to pay it. (Basically if the project was a fiasco) (Unconventional but that's how it is, child support I will always have to pay of course) She knows our financial facts and reluctantly accepts it.
It was her brother who got her to Europe and she feels that she owes him for that.
My parents and her are not the best of friends. They can talk together but have both parties have done things that upset the other party. I don't want to be the judge here.
My parents are wealthy and both she and her brother knows that but also know that there is not a chance that they can get their hands on their money.
I cannot visit them because I have to fly between 12 and 16 hours, so I don't really know what is going on. I don't have the time right now for vacation.
She says that she want me to be close to the kids and has never done anything to prevent me from talking to them.
I have never been unfaithful and I don't think she has when we were together.
She is having a hard time right now living at her brothers place. She does his laundry, cook etc. and the kids do not have their own room. A far cry from the house we had together with servants and swimming pool.
I have never missed a child support payment.
What I think:
I think that my ex is heavily influenced by her brother. I think that she has short comings (who don't) but she is not a bad person. She started out with a life where she had to struggle no question about that. This makes people very hard, and she is hard, but I honestly think she has a good hard. I know she does.
I think I own her for our struggles together.
I think that she may sometimes be thinking of money, and that if she indeed have a boy friend now it may, right now be for convinces rather than love. But I have no way of verifying it.
I would love to get her back and to save the family. I also would like to influence the upbringing of my children. Something I cannot do now.
That she has a boy friend now doesn't really bother me, I mean it does but I can't do anything about it. Also there is a possibility that there is none, because the kids have started lately (after the vacation) to say that we did this with mommy, uncle, and then joe (or what ever his name is). It is so often that it almost appears as if it has been planted in their small heads to say it, but then again it might also be true. I don't have a clue.
I know that I love her.
What should I do. I am looking for solid advice on how to get her back, not advice on whether I love her or not that is for me to find out. But how the heck do I get her back?
