Kurtz1607306446

i don't need help deciding if she's worth it or anything. i just need to know what path i should take towards her (keeping in mind that i want her back)

i'm not changing. i'm evolving. let's say i'm simply adding a different dimension to what i already am. that doesn't mean that anything i am or was will disappear. and i'm not doing it FOR her, but because she PROVED to me that i need to do it. she doesn;'t have a bad attitudine. she simply is scared of trusting me again (we had many discussions about my being unsocial...and i always convinced her that it would be fine...until the day of putting it all to a test, when i ***ed-up). one of my questions would be does her agreeing to see me every once in a while mean that she's basically giving me another chance (a hidden chance) while keeping a safe distance? i know she loves me and that a large part of her needs me (that's maybe why she reacted so decisevly to my mistakes). what do you think my chances are..and what approach should i take to things? i also have to mention that going on a forum and talking about this means that i'm trying to change. i don't think i would have done this before (surely actually). i would have simply gotten into a philosophical argument with my closest friends, not sharing any of the real reasons of my discontempt.

I'd better begin by apologising to anyone who intends to read this, as it probably is going to be quite long. Still...i need the advice, for i really cannot judge any of this with a clear mind. I don't have a clear mind. So, if you will, read on and tell me what you think afterwards. I am 18. Live in a shit-hole country named Romania. She was my classmate for two years. We always talked from time to time. I had my preocupations, she had hers. I didn't really care about her back then because she always seemed to be too social for my taste. Then i changed highschools and she gave me a call, asking to meet me. She also sent me a mail that read something like "You were the only person i would have trusted enough to read my diary". Half-amused, i met her and we talked. She gave me her diary (long thing....had written in it for years and year, not exactly a diary but more like thoughts on paper). That was about a year ago. We spend that summer talking a few times/week. She always kept herself distant, because of some of my faults. I am obsessed by bodybuilding. And back then i took steroids, and in quite large amounts. I almost destroyed my health. I stopped due to her, and became a lot more health-conscious. That's when she finally stopped being distant. She comes from a family that doesn;'t really understand her. They are very simple people, and with a not-so-good financial situation. While her main hobbies are art-related they tend to try to take her away from anything that is artistic. Always telling her to read less, etc. Because her financial situation is not-so-good, she has decided (long time ago) to become a doctor and stick to it no matter what. She also has an incredible need for safety, and most of all social safety. While she could always find mental safety with me, i was never able to give her social safety. I am not social. I've always been interested in arts (mental and martial), never went to parties, never hung out with people... Recently i decided to become an architect, and have been studying hard for it. This is a very big plus in her eyes, actually, it is a condition for her. We went to a party almost two weeks ago. First party we've been to. I picked her up and met her parents before the party. That's when i started (Censored) up. You see, she is very dominant towards everybody, except me. SHe has always been submissive towards me, so when i walked into that house, trying to be as kind as possible to her parents, and ended up looking childish and silly, something probably collapsed. I faked all that kindness and childishness, thinking it would be a plus with her parents, but it ended up turning against me. We had a hug argument on the way to the party, and when we ended up there she was already not talking to me. So, unwillingly, i ended up acting childishly at the party, while trying to not get upset and become verbally violent towards anyone there (i had the definite feeling that i had (Censored) up, and she didn't want to let me explain anything). I went home after the pary. I thought everything over, and finally realised that i cannot achieve inner peace without achieving some social standards. I realised that being unable to communicate with most normal people isn't a plus, but something that has been hurting her for a long time. Even hurting me a bit. I tried explaining all these things to her. Over the phone, and we met. She believed that i want to change. She doesn';t believe that i can change. She is acting very cold towards me, but it is obviously controlled. Extremely controlled. As from time to time she almost cries. We ended up with a "deal": I'll call her on the phone every three days for 10 minutes and see her only once a week for an hour. Thing is i have changed. It has been extremely easy, as my social indifference was self-imposed (i thought it was better that way, and actually it was, but only while i was alone). She deeply believes that i cannot be social. She is so sure of it it's scary. And i know it would be easy for me to show her that i have changed if it wasn;t for her family. They don't like me, and constantly argue with her about me (even now). They also constantly try to make her meet "guys". As she is extremely good looking and beautiful it's not hard for them to try and do that. I don't know what else to add right now. Actually, i do, but i'll wait until someone answers and add later.