hi everybody...i'm 14 years old and i'm living in a very...well..odd situation. i'm in one of those families that appears to be perfect because of what we have and how we act in public, when in reality we're more dysfunctional than (pardon my choice of words) rats on crack.
it all started when i was just a baby. my dad had a really bad drinking problem. he would come home drunk and snap at my mom. being the aggressive person my mother is, she would go back at him. i remember hearing nothing but screaming ever since i was little. i knew every curse word in the book before age 5 (but i refused to use them. thank god i didn't pick them up!). i remember constantly waking up in the middle of the night to bangs and crashes and them yelling their heads off, and when i would go down to see what was up i would find them throwing chairs and everything else in sight at eachother's heads. my dad even tried to strangle my mom when she was pregnant with my older sister. i guess the stress with my dad became too much for my mom, so she started to take it out on me. physically. my sister, being older and stronger, always ended up being completely unscathed. i guess my mom knew that i was scared of her because i showed it, and she knew that she could really do some damage.
the years passed and she kept on "disciplining" me. even after my dad went to AA and kicked the drinking habit. people seemed to wonder why i was always showing up with a broken leg or sprained arm. i told them that it was because i'm a complete and total clutz. i must admit, i am a bit on the clutzy side! however, most of the injuries ive gotten over the years were from my mom. she's literally *thrown* me out the door of the house in the middle of the night during january in nothing but my pajamas and made me sit out there until morning. then she comes outside and drags me by the hair into the house. she's hit me with shovels, held screwdrivers to my head, stuck me repeatedly with pins until i had a bunch of tiny bleeding holes in my arm, and she once even hit me over the head so hard that i blacked out.
my mom's not the only one who puts her hands on me when she gets angry. my sister (though she doesnt do it as often) tends to lash out at me physically when i make her mad. she broke my finger a few months ago and has given me some scratches and bruises, but nothing really bad.
my mom started to cool it for a while, and i really believed that she had changed. pfft.
then, when my sister was about 14 (my age) she started to rebel. she would sneak out in the middle of the night and we found out that she was having sex with a 29 year old man. she was tearing my family apart all over again, and sure enough my mom went back to her old ways. my sister got even more violent with me because of this newfound anger inside her that was surfacing itself.
thank god she has toned down. but my mother is still her old self. my entire family has been in therapy since i was 4, and this past year DYFS got involved. i'm just so scared of where i'll end up, so whenever i had to talk to them, i would choke up. i'd lie. i'd tell them that everything was completely and totally fine. half of me wants to kick myself for not spilling my guts to them then and there, but the other half is still glad i didn't. i really don't know what to do anymore! she always apologizes...and i stupidly think that everythings going to be fine, and in a matter of twenty four hours my thoughts are proven false.
i'm guessing that my battle with anorexia, which later progressed to bulimia, had something to do with the home situation. i had the eating disorder for about six months, but i basically pulled myself out of it, with the help of god. a beloved teacher of mine helped me get in touch with Christ, and now i finally have somewhere to turn for comfort. that's one good thing that came out of all this. my church is up the block from me, and i go every sunday. i read the bible and pray the rosary and it gives me strength.
now my dad is dying from emphysema. the doctors say hes lucky if he lives another year. i don't know how i'll live with JUST my mom. even though he did some bad things in the past, i love my dad more than anything.
the only people i've talked to about this in full are three very close friends of mine. but they can't relate, and i can tell that whenever i try to talk to them they get really uncomfortable and just don't know what to say. this is why i'm posting here.
*phew* that felt good. i can't say all that out loud to my friends...i end up crying!! i know that many of you have had expierences like this. so...you were or still are on the same page as me and maybe you can give me some advice.
thanks!!
-chris
