5 Truths About What is Submissiveness

Let's talk about a term that has often been misunderstood, stigmatized, and frequently swept under the rug of cultural taboo: submissiveness. If you're wondering 'what is submissiveness,' you're not alone. There's a lot of misconception about what it means to be submissive, especially in the realm of relationships.

Many people think submissiveness is about being weak, passive, or subservient. It's about much more than that. In this article, we're going to journey deep into the labyrinth of emotional, psychological, and interpersonal dynamics to unravel this complex concept.

But why should you care? Because understanding submissiveness can enrich your relationships, give you deeper insights into your own behavior, and help you become more empathetic towards others. Buckle up; it's going to be an enlightening ride!

In a society that often equates power with worth, the notion of willingly giving up some control can be mind-boggling for many. But, in the right context, submissiveness can actually be empowering.

To set the stage, let's clarify that we're not discussing any kind of abusive or non-consensual submission. The submissiveness we're exploring here is a consensual power exchange between respectful adults.

We'll tackle the subject head-on, debunk some myths, and dig into the psychology behind it. We'll also explore how submissiveness manifests differently in various relationships, and provide practical advice to foster a healthy expression of this trait.

Challenging Stereotypes: What Submissiveness Isn't

First, let's deconstruct the term. To do this, we have to clear away the rubble of stereotypes and assumptions. Ask most people about the meaning of ‘submissiveness,' and you'll likely hear words like 'passive,' 'obedient,' or 'timid.' While these words may paint a part of the picture, they are far from a comprehensive definition.

One popular myth is that submissiveness is linked to low self-esteem. Research from Psychology Today suggests that this is not necessarily true. Submissiveness, when expressed in a healthy and consensual manner, can be a choice rooted in a deep understanding of oneself and one's desires.

Then there's the stereotype that submission is a 'female trait,' reinforcing outdated gender roles. While gender dynamics do play a role in how submissiveness is culturally perceived, this notion is misleading and oversimplified.

Submissiveness is also not about a lack of agency. In fact, it requires a high level of self-awareness and active participation. In a 2016 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the researchers found that people who engage in BDSM activities, where submission and domination often play roles, are generally more psychologically sound than those who don't.

If you've been listening to popular media's portrayal of what submissiveness is, chances are you've been misled. In contrast, the reality is far more nuanced and intricate.

Ultimately, a simplistic or stigmatizing understanding of submissiveness can be harmful. It can perpetuate negative stereotypes, reinforce unhealthy patterns, and stifle the richness of human experience and relationships.

The Psychology Behind Submissiveness

Submissiveness, like many other personality traits and behaviors, can be traced back to a combination of factors including biology, upbringing, cultural influences, and individual choices. Psychology, being the complex tapestry that it is, offers various lenses through which we can view submissiveness.

One psychological theory suggests that submissiveness can be a form of coping, a way to handle stress and uncertainty. Sigmund Freud, in his theory of psychosexual development, even hinted at the roots of submissive behavior as potentially stemming from early childhood experiences.

Another approach comes from social psychology, which examines how societal expectations and norms can influence our behavior. In many cultures, submissiveness is often rewarded or expected in certain situations, further complicating our understanding of it.

Research from the field of neuroscience also sheds light on the topic. Studies indicate that the sensation of pleasure derived from being submissive may be linked to the release of endorphins and other neurochemicals in the brain. This is known as 'subspace' in the BDSM community, a trance-like state of euphoria and emotional release.

Attachment theory, a cornerstone in modern psychology, can also provide valuable insights. Some people with a "secure" attachment style may find it easier to engage in submissive behaviors because they are not plagued by fears of abandonment or unworthiness.

While no single psychological theory can fully explain the complex motivations and experiences surrounding submissiveness, a multidisciplinary approach provides a more rounded understanding. Our behavioral choices, after all, are multifaceted and deeply rooted in our psyche.

Five Key Pillars of Submissiveness

Now that we've broken down some stereotypes and delved into the psychology, let's get into the meat of the matter. What really defines submissiveness? In my opinion, healthy submissiveness can be categorized into five key pillars.

Understanding these pillars will not only give you a robust framework to comprehend what submissiveness is, but it will also offer a guide on how to engage in submissive behaviors in a balanced and enriching manner.

These pillars are Emotional Safety, Consensual Power Exchange, Self-Awareness, Communication, and Trust. While these might appear self-explanatory at first glance, each harbors profound depths worth exploring. So let's dive right in!

In the following sections, we'll break down each of these five pillars one by one. You'll find that these aren't just crucial for understanding submissiveness, but are also invaluable for any form of interpersonal relationship.

These tenets are by no means the be-all and end-all, but they serve as an excellent starting point for anyone looking to better understand or even cultivate healthy submissiveness in their life.

We'll also include some practical tips and advice for each pillar. So, whether you're new to the concept or have been grappling with it for years, there's something here for everyone.

1. Emotional Safety: The Foundation

At the base of any form of submissiveness lies emotional safety. Without it, the entire structure is prone to collapse. Emotional safety allows individuals to express their desires and vulnerabilities without fear of judgement or harm.

This is not just my opinion but is often supported by relationship experts. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in the field of relationship studies, states that emotional safety is crucial for any relationship to thrive. It creates a safe space where both partners feel secure enough to be their true selves.

Emotional safety is often built through open communication, unconditional positive regard, and an environment free from abuse or manipulation. This is especially crucial in relationships where power dynamics are at play.

It's also about boundaries. Having a clear understanding of what is acceptable and what is not creates a respectful environment where submissive tendencies can be healthily explored.

Part of emotional safety is also knowing when to step back. Being attuned to your own feelings, as well as those of your partner, ensures that you can navigate the complex world of submissiveness without causing emotional harm.

When emotional safety is compromised, even slightly, the impact can be significant. It can lead to a cycle of mistrust and discomfort that not only affects your ability to be submissive but also corrodes the overall quality of the relationship.

2. Consensual Power Exchange: The Core

Consensual power exchange is the heartbeat of submissiveness. It's the agreed-upon give-and-take that forms the core of many relationships involving submissive and dominant roles. And the keyword here is 'consensual.'

Unlike a hierarchical system where power is imposed, consensual power exchange is an intentional act from both parties. This consensual nature elevates it from mere acquiescence to a dynamic interplay that both parties find enriching.

At the surface, it might seem like the submissive partner is giving away power, but upon closer inspection, you realize that they're actually in control of their surrender. This paradox is what makes the concept so fascinating and complex.

It's not uncommon for people to find a sense of liberation in submission. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, the act of submitting allows individuals to escape the pressures of responsibility and control, leading to a form of personal freedom.

Consensual power exchange often comes with predefined terms, safe words, and limits. This structured environment creates a playground where submissiveness can be freely and safely explored.

Just like any other form of exchange, this requires ongoing negotiations, constant communication, and regular check-ins to ensure that the balance is maintained and that both parties are still deriving satisfaction from the relationship.

3. Self-Awareness: Knowing Your Limits

Self-awareness is paramount, especially when engaging in a complex emotional and psychological landscape like submissiveness. You need to know your limits, desires, and boundaries. This is not just about knowing what you will accept from your partner but also about understanding what you can offer.

For instance, being aware of your emotional triggers, your stressors, and even your daily mood can help you navigate the terrain of submission more effectively. When you're attuned to your internal state, you can better communicate your needs and also understand when to pull back.

Self-awareness is an ongoing journey. It may involve journaling, reflective practices, or even professional guidance from a psychologist or a relationship coach. For some, introspection comes naturally, while for others, it's a skill that needs to be developed.

A critical aspect of self-awareness in the realm of submissiveness is the recognition of the power you hold in the dynamic. Knowing that you have the power to say no, to set boundaries, and to communicate your needs is empowering.

It's not enough to know yourself; you must also understand how you evolve. The person you were when you first explored submissiveness may not be the person you are now. Self-awareness, therefore, is not a static state but a dynamic, ever-changing landscape.

Lastly, this self-awareness extends to understanding your partner as well. While it's crucial to know your own limits, having an understanding of your partner's boundaries and emotional state can enrich the relationship even further.

4. Communication: Speaking Your Truth

You've heard it a thousand times: Communication is key. Yet, when it comes to submissiveness, this cliché takes on a whole new level of importance. In any relationship where power dynamics are at play, the margin for misunderstanding or abuse can be perilously thin.

Open, honest communication is the only way to navigate such a sensitive and multi-layered topic effectively. This involves discussing your desires, setting boundaries, and, most importantly, giving and receiving feedback.

According to Dr. Tammy Nelson, a certified sex therapist, effective communication in submissive relationships involves "speaking your erotic truth" openly. She points out that being honest about your desires and limits can be liberating and deepen emotional intimacy.

Non-verbal cues also play a crucial role here. Being attuned to your partner's body language, facial expressions, and even tone of voice can offer valuable insights that words might fail to capture.

It's also crucial to have a system in place for 'checking in' with each other. Whether it's a scheduled weekly conversation or spontaneous heart-to-hearts, these touchpoints allow for recalibration and help maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

In the world of BDSM, where submission is often a key element, communication tools like 'safe words' and 'aftercare' discussions are standard practice. Adopting such structured methods of communication can be beneficial even in more conventional relationship setups.

5. Trust: The Bedrock of Submissiveness

If Emotional Safety is the foundation, then Trust is the bedrock upon which any form of healthy submissiveness is built. Trusting your partner to handle your emotional and sometimes physical vulnerability is pivotal.

Trust doesn't magically appear; it's earned over time through consistent actions and open communication. Without trust, the other pillars—Emotional Safety, Consensual Power Exchange, Self-Awareness, and Communication—would not stand.

Trust also enables risk-taking within the relationship, and that's where many find the exhilaration and liberation of submissive roles. With a solid trust foundation, you feel secure enough to explore, push boundaries, and venture into unknown territories.

Interestingly, studies on oxytocin, often called the 'love hormone,' have shown that its release can enhance trust between individuals. While science is still unraveling all the ways this hormone affects our social bonds, it's a fascinating entry point into understanding the biochemistry of trust.

Breaches in trust can be damaging, often irreversibly so. If trust is broken, rebuilding it is a lengthy and arduous process that requires concerted effort from both parties. The dynamic will likely never be the same, but that doesn't mean it can't be healthy or satisfying again.

Remember, trust is not a one-time deal but an ongoing process. It needs to be nurtured, reassessed, and sometimes even renegotiated to adapt to changing needs and circumstances.

The Role of Gender: Breaking Down Myths

When discussing submissiveness, the conversation often veers into stereotypical gender roles—women are submissive, men are dominant. Let's break down this myth right here, right now. Submissiveness is not gender-specific.

These stereotypes do a disservice to everyone by limiting our understanding and expression of submissiveness. In reality, people of all genders can be submissive, dominant, or switch between roles depending on the situation and partner.

The portrayal of submissive women and dominant men in popular culture and media often perpetuates these myths. However, anyone familiar with the nuances of power dynamics knows that these roles are not so black and white.

In fact, according to a survey conducted by the Durex Global Sex Survey, as many as 20% of men expressed a desire to be submissive in some form, challenging traditional gender expectations.

Disassociating gender from submissiveness also opens up a broader discussion on LGBTQ+ experiences, as well as relationships that don't conform to the binary gender system.

So, regardless of your gender, if you identify with traits of submissiveness, know that it's a universal human experience, and not confined to any one group.

Submissiveness in Various Relationships

Submissiveness isn't just limited to romantic or sexual relationships; its principles can be applied in various aspects of life, including friendships, family dynamics, and even professional settings.

In friendships, for example, a submissive role might mean you're more accommodating and willing to go along with your friend's choices. This isn't inherently negative, but like any power dynamic, it requires balance to ensure it's not leading to manipulation or neglect.

In the context of work, being submissive could mean you're not assertive in negotiating your salary, roles, or responsibilities. While there's a time and place for humility and deference, remember that perpetual submissiveness in professional settings may hinder your growth.

Submissiveness also manifests in family dynamics, often shaped by cultural or societal norms. Being aware of how submissiveness plays out in your interactions with family members can offer valuable insights into your behavior patterns and emotional well-being.

It's worth noting that submissive tendencies in one area of life don't necessarily translate to other areas. You may be submissive in your romantic relationships but assertive and dominant in your professional life, and that's perfectly okay!

Understanding the versatility of your submissive traits will help you apply them constructively in different aspects of your life, while also giving you the tools to balance and counteract them when necessary.

Practical Tips to Cultivate Healthy Submissiveness

If you're looking to explore or deepen your experience with submissiveness, it's crucial to approach it in a thoughtful and healthy manner. Here are some practical steps to consider.

Firstly, educate yourself. There are plenty of resources, both online and offline, that delve into the intricacies of power dynamics and submissiveness. Educating yourself provides you with the language and framework to understand and express your desires.

Second, start slow. If you're new to this, there's no need to rush into any extreme form of submissiveness. Begin with minor acts, assess your comfort level, and communicate with your partner.

Third, create a safe space. Make sure you're engaging in submissive behavior in a safe, comfortable environment. Establish safe words and ensure both parties understand their significance.

Fourth, aftercare is important. This term, borrowed from the BDSM community, refers to the emotional and physical care provided after an intense experience to help both parties transition back to their regular roles.

Fifth, seek professional advice. If you find yourself stuck, confused, or in an unhealthy dynamic, it might be helpful to consult a therapist or counselor who has experience with these kinds of relationships.

Sixth, be mindful of your well-being. Submissiveness should not become a doorway to emotional or physical harm. If you find that's the case, it's time to reassess and probably pull back.

Conclusion: Reclaiming Submissiveness as Empowerment

Submissiveness has long been misunderstood, stigmatized, and even demonized. However, as we've explored in this article, it's a complex, multi-faceted trait that exists on a wide spectrum. And yes, it can be empowering.

By consciously choosing to give power to another, you are not diminishing your worth but engaging in an exchange that can be deeply fulfilling for both parties. It's a form of active consent, a mutual understanding, and a sharing of vulnerabilities and strengths.

Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to submissiveness. Each person's experience is unique, colored by their past experiences, current circumstances, and future aspirations.

So if you're ready to venture into the world of submissiveness or are already on your journey, embrace it with an open mind, a willing heart, and the knowledge that you're treading a path that many have found rewarding.

Embrace your submissive traits not as a stereotype or a rigid role but as one aspect of your multifaceted personality. Reclaim it as your own, and let it empower you in ways you never imagined possible.

If ever you find yourself questioning what is submissiveness, return to this guide and the many other resources available to you for support, clarification, and validation.

Recommended Resources

• The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy - A great resource for understanding the dynamics of topping and how it complements submissiveness.
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel - A profound look into the complexities of long-term relationships, including aspects of power dynamics.
• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach - This book delves into self-awareness and acceptance, which can be particularly helpful for those exploring their submissive side.