Alcoholism: Conversations from the Bottom of the Bottle

Excerpted from
The Dark Night of Recovery: Conversations from the Bottom of the Bottle
By Edward Bear

Most everybody knew old Tyler. He's been hanging around the Westside Alano club for as long as anyone could remember. Had a face looked like somebody forgot to water it; dry as an old boot, road-mapped with wrinkles, the face of a man who'd spent a good deal of time looking at horizons.

Lawyer Bob was the guy who wore the Armani suits, had the House on the Hill, the Big Job. Had it all. Everybody figured him for Mister Success. Huh. Little did they know. He had a hole in his life the size of a suitcase. Bob was the one told me the story about how he and Tyler got together a year or so ago when Bob was having all that trouble. Anyway, he went to Tyler because he figured that anyone with thirty years in recovery out to have some answers. First thing Tyler told him was he didn't have any answers. First thing, like he was reading his mind. Then he went on.

"Sounds like you're about to enter the dark part of the forest. The part where the real work begins. You ready to go back school?"

"I did the steps already," said Bob.

"Good. Once more won't hurt. And try not to be defensive. I'm on your side."

I'm not being defensive."

You're being defensive," said Tyler. "Trust me on this; I know defensive when I see it. Now, it would seem that the preliminary work is done - you have hit bottom sober. Very important. And now you are about to enter the Dark Night, the Great Desert, where you will either fall by the wayside and die, go mad, or survive and experience real recovery."

Thoer are the only choices?"

"All spiritual journeys contain elements of death and transfiguration. Recovery's no different. It's just part of the deal."

"Sounds like major surgery," said Bob.

True. But the alternative is to stop growing and join those who linger in that gray limbo of semi-recovery, not drinking or using or feeding their other addictions, but not really living either, dispensing Advice and Tough Love to defenseless newcomers, glumly counting birthdays as if the sheer number might guarantee a certain amount of happiness. You want that?"

"No."

"You want to be free?"

"I want to be free."

"Good. We may be on to something here. How about we meet at your place every other Tuesday? Seven o'clock. You have a tape recorder?"

"Yeah."

"good. Get some tapes. Long ones."

Why tapes?"

"Mostly to humor an old man," said Tyler. "And someday you may want to remember what it was like. You may even want to tell somebody what it was like. It'll help you refresh your memory."

Bob said he tried to explain some of his numerous problems to Tyler that night, but Tyler wouldn't listen.

"You've just got one problem, counselor. You're addicted to a wide variety of things, most notably alcohol, and that addiction, that state of dis-ease, results in a pathological obsession with self, a condition needlessly prolonged by your desire to figure it out. Figure-it-out-ism is itself a disease nearly always fatal in advanced cases. Like yours. Often leads to what's-the-use-ism or poor-me-ism, both known to be terminal in addicts of all kinds. What you really have is a surrender problem."

"A surrender problem?"

"I'll explain later. For your first assignment, read up to page forty-five in the Big Book and explain what powerless means. Read Step One in the Twelve and Twelve. Read the House at Pooh Corner and write down the most important passage."

The House at Pooh Corner?"

"As in Winnie-the-Pooh," said Tyler.

"The most important passage in the whole book?"

"It's not War and Peace, Bob. It's just a little book. And read Chapter 71 in the Tao Te Ching and tell me how it relates to the First Step."

"Tyler..."

"And that's just the beginning. It's like life - the lessons just keep coming. Suit up and show up and be ready. And one other thing."

"Yeah?"

"Try smiling once in a while. It's just life. Far as I know, nobody's getting out of this thing alive. Might as well enjoy the journey. See you in two weeks?"

"I'll be there."

"And so will I. Fasten your seat belt, counselor; you are about to embark on the journey of your life."

Bob asked me if I'd transcribe the tapes, me being a writer and all. Two articles in the local paper and I'm a writer. Of course, I don't discourage the notion. So here they are - The Tyler Tapes (with only slight editing by yours truly). Bob says they saved his life. See what you think.