Emotionally Unavailable?

[IWOKEUP]

Can anyone relate? I just finished a two-year relationship with a CP and this is my first experience with one and my heart is broken in two.

 

Through researching this..I have also discovered he is also emotionally unavailable. Meaning, his reactions towards love comes from the brain and not the heart. Emotions are analyzed first and then they give you the desired reaction verbally to suppress getting intimate and feeling love and reacting sponteanously beccause that is also a fear of feeling, commitment and moving forward.

 

Anyone else experience this too? It was all so odd and I just assumed he was shut down but this is much bigger and deeper than I originally thought. I would love to hear your stories?

 

IWOKEUP

[Finzsoftie]

What is CP?

[Wonderwoman]

I can definitely relate - there are many emotionally unavailable men out there .

 

My story?...I won't get into that, it's in the past and inconsequential. And that's the whole point. Now that you've realized that this was the issue, take the time to mend your broken heart and move on. No point on dwelling on it. No point in overanalyzing him or the situation. You'll just drive yourself nuts.

 

Just realize that the relationship didn't work out because of his shortcomings...not because of anything wrong you did or didn't do .

 

I know it's more easily said than done...but move on - there's great opportunities waiting for you out there

[Eyes]

IWOKEUP, I also find myself on an on-going journey of discovery. I have found it incredibly helpful to intellectualize and understand the situation and why it happened. I am focusing with my brain, not my heart. As I gain greater insight, I am able to move on more and more.

 

I want to thank you for bringing up the term "emotionally unavailable" and defining it. I never realized that it was a psychological condition. I always thought that some people were just "cold" because they chose to be.

 

I have come to realize my ex bf of 8(!) years is not only a CP, but emotionally unavailable as well. We started going out when he was 22, so I attributed the classic signs of EU to him just being young and the fact that this was his first real relationship. He wasn't very affectionate, giving, loving, or romantic (although he was at first). We only saw eachother on weekends, and once during the week (we live in two different states) He was very easy going, intelligent, charming, and the funniest person I had ever met. We were very comfortable together, and we talked for hours on the phone every night. Unfortunately, as the years went by, I became more and more insecure about myself. Why wasn't he loving and affectionate? Why did I have to ASK him to hold my hand? Why didn't he ever take me out to dinner or bring me flowers? I thought I had to try harder to keep the relationship going. I kept spoiling him in hopes that he would reciprocate one day. I became the begger for any crumb of affection he would begrudgingly give to me. My life was circling the drain, and I didn't fully understand why. I was mentally, emotionally and physically spent.

 

Three months ago we broke up. I told him that I was unhappy and I couldn't keep living my life this way. I had become so weak and dependent on him, that I couldn't even tell him that it was over. We spent the weekend crying (our 8th anniversary), trying to figure out what the hell was happening. A week later, he came over, and said that he couldn't give me what I wanted. He told me that when he thinks of how he's been treating me, he gets disgusted with himself. I got the old "it's not you, it's me" and the "you deserve better" routine. After analyzing everything, I now know that he was right. He wasn't a bad person, he never wanted to hurt me, it was just how he was programmed, and he probably won't ever change. Knowing this has made it a lot easier to let go of him.

 

ps. He has many phobias in other areas as well. He gets panic attacks while driving on highways, he's afraid of heights, and refuses to fly in a plane.

 

So, that's my story. Thanks for starting this thread IWOKEUP!

 

Take care-