ebsmith1 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 It was just on the street. I was walking back from a lunch meeting and he passed in his car with (I'm assuming) his new girlfriend. He lied to me and cheated on me and yet I still think there is hope for him to change and for us to be together. I'm doing well, I rarely cry over him anymore and I can function. I can see all of the really bad things in our relationship and see that he's not a happy or healthy person, and still I want him. I want all of the parts of him that were good and all of the wonderful stuff in our relationship. It sucks and I want it to be gone! I still have so many things to get through, we were supposed to be married in May and I want to be healed by then so it doesn't hurt when that day comes. I still miss him so much. It's been over four months now and he's not coming back, I know that, but I can't accept it!](*,) Link to comment
samross Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 My heart goes out to you. And mine's going through a similar situation. How long were you guys together? Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 We were together for over 3 years and he proposed in July. He then broke up with me in August and promptly moved someone else in. The funny thing is, I know he's not happy with her and yet it still hurts to think that he's just going on like we never happened and I still don't go a day without thinking about him. I broke NC and sent him a text on New Year's Eve. He responded and told me that he thinks about me every day. I wish he'd do more than think about me. I wish he'd go to therapy like he promised he would so that this could all stop. I guess it just takes time. Link to comment
samross Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Getting over someone cheating on you is hard. To get over it and past it both of you need to agree that it is something you are willing to work on. Trust is so hard to restore. Are you seeing anyone? Focus on YOU and not on a dream (I'm guilty of the same thing right now) Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I was seeing someone for a little while. Then I found out that he was seeing me and about three other people. My ex is "aware" of what he does, but doesn't want too/isn't ready to change it. We don't talk unless I initiate it and I know that's partly because he feels so guilty. Not guilty enough to fix it, but guilty. Link to comment
samross Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Maybe you just need some time to yourself. When you say you don't talk do you mean when your together or when you contact him? Link to comment
blender Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 ebsmith, just remember that "guilt" he is feeling is about HIM, for himself, and as long as he gets to have contact with you, his guilt will be alleviated... instead, try to have the self respect to NOT contact him.. Let him live with himself, and trust that any new girl..well, her "newness" will wear off, and he will keep going in a circle as he always does.. no woman will cure him of himself.. so why not make yourself a cut above any other girl and stick with no contact, for yourself, for your healing, for your self esteem, for you integrity, and also so he can live with the guilt... but most importantly it's time for you to move onward and upward...and take care of you.. the best is ahead of you, not behind you, and HIM, well he's not going anywhere, he's just going to keep running away from anything "real" and he will eventually keep running into "himself".. so be grateful you now have the OPPORTUNITY to grow through your heartache and regain you sense of self.. no more contact with him.none..do this for YOU. Link to comment
blender Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 P.S. you said you "miss all the good things about him".. well those are not things YOU have to miss, you will find all those good things and more in someone who is mature, loyal, loving, kind, committed to YOU. It's important to remember you are missing what you "hoped could be" it's now time to be in acceptance of who he "actually revealed himself to be".. and that is why it's so theraputic to separate your "feelings" from the "facts".... NO more settling for the "good crumbs" you deserve the "wonderful whole cake"... and this guy has revealed that he is only capable of the "good crumbs" once in awhile, the ones that always leave someone more hungry, never satisfied, frustrated and sad.. but from now on YOU will no longer give your energy to any man who is not willing to be "complete, mature, and happy" on his own, BEFORE he meets you, and who chooses to SHARE these wonderful character qualities with YOU.. nothing less.. Link to comment
neallo82288 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Well, what you want and what reality brings are two different things. Why in the world do you want to be with someone that cheated on you and less than a month after breaking up with you he has someone else living with him?? As for him feeling guilty enough to fix a problem, do you want him coming back to you because he is feeling guilty? What kind of basis for a relationship is that? As for whether or not he is happy with the new girl is irrevelant. You are not with him and he has chosen a new path for his life and yes it hurts because he has chosen not to include you in the new path of his life. Now, go out there and fix the things you have been negleting about yourself and work on yourself. You deserve better than what he has to offer and well, you need to accept that. You are too good for the kind of life he has to offer. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks blender. I was at two months when I broke it on New Year's. I think part of me felt like I just needed to get it out of my system and start fresh. I've wanted to break it again, but I haven't and I won't. I KNOW he's going to keep up this cycle, I just hope that one day he finds a way out for himself. Link to comment
blender Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Don't worry about him, he's a big boy, who makes his own choices in his behavior, and those choices say so much more about who he is, then they will ever mean about YOU... so do not take his choices personally, instead accept that his choices are all a part of his "life pattern" and they were present in him long before you came along, and will be in his life for a long time... HE is NO longer worthy of your precious energy, heart, soul, body, those are for YOU to cherish, and respect and to ONLY share with a man who chooses to respect you, love you, honor you, and cherish you. Do not ever settle for anything less, no matter how tempting the "crumbs' might seem.. or how good they seem to taste.. wait for someone who is willing, and lovingly giving you the "whole cake".. you deserve it...and the fact is you are also willing to give it as well... So onward and upward..crossing this emotional bridge with confidence, tears, integrity, and letting go of this emotionally unhealthy man who is stuck in his own "life pattern".. soon enough once your "disappointment" passes you will actually have gratitude that you are no longer involved with him.. stay the course, NO CONTACT.. it will empower you with each day you choose to maintain it, that is YOUR POWER, YOUR CONTROL.. your freedom... and happiness...it's all in YOUR hands.. not his.. 1 Link to comment
tribecagirl Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Very well said, Blender. EB, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you can move past this. I left this prayer (don't know how spiritual you are, but...)for someone in another post a few minutes ago and I hope it will inspire you as it has for me: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change those that I can And the wisdom to know the difference I know you're hurting tremendously now, but you can make it through with flying colors. Blender said it best. If this guy is not ready to be fully committed to you, he'll keep running into himself. It's inevitable. He's making a mess of people's hearts. Sooner or later, he'll get his comeuppance! You'll see. Link to comment
LittleLion24 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Just know that past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior unless something major has changed with him, and it doesn't like this is the case. You're missing him because you're still grieving over the relationship, and what it USED to be. This is okay but coming to terms that it is no more will help you move on. Whatever you do, do NOT break the NC as much as you may want to. He doesn't deserve to know how you feel and that you miss him etc. He's not worthy of you or any of your emotions/feelings for him. Listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone." It may give you comfort because now you can get what you want. Link to comment
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