He gets his cake and eats it too.....trying to win him over.

[nakedbutterfly]

I am having an affair with a married man. It has been 5 months since we started sleeping together (we have been friends for about a year), and I have fallen in love with him and I want to win him over.

 

First of all let me start off by saying that I know that what I am doing is wrong and so does he. It has made both of us sick and emotional and everything else... but we continue to see each other. We have called it off a few times, but everytime we see each other we end up in each others arms. I blame it on uncontrollable lust.

 

My delema.... his wife knows that she may be losing him to me. So she wants to change for him and work things out so that she doesn't lose him.

 

Back to the beginning. He was living in a sexless marriage. Married 20 years, no sex in about 2 years. No closesness, no touching, no kissing - you know all that good stuff. I come along and we are both totally hot for each other - we have the best sex ever....... His wife finds out about us and fights with him for days, tells him she is going to change and doesn't want him to leave her. He breaks up with me. And what do you know they have sex for the first time in ages. Wow! I should be a marriage councilor. I can't believe our affair may have brought them closer. How bad do you think I feel since I was really counting on that divorce.

 

Anyways we talk, he tells me he feels as if he has cheated on me, what kind of craziness is this... Well four days later, we are back in bed together. Great sex, incredible sex. He can't resist me. And I want nothing more to win him over. It has been a month since then. He is total confused, he wants to do the right thing... (you know stay married to the one he committed himself to for better or for worse) but he ends up at my house almost every weekend. We are crazy for each other, when he is with me... But then he goes home and trys to work things out with his wife. It's all bullsh*t. He's lying to her. He's lying to me. He doesn't even know if he is coming or going.

 

I don't want to lose him. I want to win him over. And I may very well be an idiot for trying to do so. But love makes us stupid, doesn't it. So how the hell am I suppose to win him over with out letting him have his cake and eat it too?

 

Oh ya, you may want to hear the kicker. She owns half a million in property - they live on, and he's broke with out her. What I got going for me - well I am very attractive, 15 years younger than her and she is not so pretty ( I am being kind ). (and thank god they have no children)

 

Oh there is more... there is more... but this kind of the quick version summary.

 

So to all you non judgemental infidels - How do I win him over?

 

NakedButterfly

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Yea. First of all i just wanna say i don't think what u're doin is right and what he's doin is definitely not right.

 

He needs 2 pick, don't let him get the habit of having u 4 sex and havin her 4 money, it's probably not like that but it seems 2 b from where i sit.

 

If he's got children then it's a extreme factor 2 take in. These kids are gonna grow up wifout their real dad so much if u take him away from them but again, if he's definitely not happy wif her and things don't work out then u should feel welcomed. However, i think they need 2 take their problems 2 a marriage professional and sort them out, but then that most likely leaves u outta the future.

 

At the end of the day, i say leave him and see what happens. If he leaves his wife for u 4 real, then i'd say that's good enough but i hate what ur doin right now.

 

Happy Heb

[charmed]

Hi Nakedbutterfly,

 

You know whatyou are doing is wrong - and you have put yourself in a position with a man who is not in a position to freely choose you over someone else. You have made your bed here, and now you must lay in it. You cannot expect him to just leave his marraige for you - because his marraige unfortunately is far more strong than it would seem you have been giving it credit for. He will most likely always pick his wife over you, and that is the fact of the matter.

 

What you need to do is get away from the situation. At least, stop sleeping with him. This way you will find out if indeed he has just been using you for the sex he wasn't getting in his marraige. You should, in saying that, be making a decision to move on at that stage. The chances of him leaving his wife seem low - and the fact that they slept together recently will stand against you.

 

You said that it was lust, and you are probably right. If it was me, I'd be getting out of there - it's far too messy. The man obviously doesn't love you enough to leave his wife - he would have given some serious indications that that was going to happen if he did - so I guess that the question really is - How long are you willing to stay in the middle of this marraige to fulfill the piece that has been missing - and what is it going to take for you to realise that even if he was with you, he would quite possibly do the same to you as he does to his wife now.

 

Don't underestimate the power and strength of marraige.

 

Hope this helps you some.

 

~Charmed~

[nakedbutterfly]

Oh I know what we are doing is wrong...

 

No they have no children. She can not have kids. There is something wrong with her medically, I believe this may also be affecting her sex drive. (She is very thin, pale, and according to a friend of mine she does a lot of cocaine.)

 

Just because he cheats, he is not a bad person. He just wants to be happy. He wants to feel good about himself. And he want to feel desire.

 

Yes I agree he should pick, me or her. And I should put my foot down, but I worry that I haven't given him enough time to make that decision.

I know it will come though.... He is careless about hiding our relationship, he keeps my letters I write him, and almost all of his friends, my friends know. The sh*t will hit the fan and he will have to choose. And yes money is an issue - he will have to give up his life style and he may not be able to set himself up in his own place with out doing some saving. But let me clarify, he does also care about this woman he's not using her for money she just happens to have it (inheritance) - he has been with her half his life - he does feel guilty....but he is very unhappy.

 

Nakedbutterfly

[NewlywedinMD]

What exactly does a naked butterfly look like? lol

 

I agree, the power of marriage can be strong, but sometimes guys stray just to taste the grass on the other side.. if you know what I mean.

 

If she is loaded, she may know people that can make life pretty hard for you...

[Genesis]

Why are you asking people for advice when you are the commiting one of the biggest sins known to man. Your BF is no good and so are you. Go find your own man. If he does leave his wife for you I hope some other nasty whore steals him away from you. You have no respect for yourself or others.

 

You are no better, when you ask people to give you advice on how to steal someones husband. You should get down on your knees and pray to God to forgive you.

 

I hope that you leave this man and wait for him to leave his wife on his own. You sound just like a F#$% buddy because that seems like the only thing that you do( and all he wants from you)! He is lying to you if he wanted to leave his wife for you, he would have left her already since they do not have kids. Do you really think he and his wife do not have sex? I do not think so? Wake up, Honey you are selling yourself short, and if you would sleep with someone elses husband , then you have no class either.

 

Telling it like it is!!

 

There is no justification for ANYONE TO COMMIT ADULTERY OR TO BE AN ADULTERESS. I do not care how that woman treats him it is none of your business. I pray that she leaves him so she can get rid of her DOG Husband, and let you have him. If she was so bad as he says she is why has he stayed with her for 20 years? I think he would have left by now if it was that bad. If you think it took you to make him realize that, I think he is blowing up your ego!!

 

If you two love each other so much make him leave his wife!! If he will not then you are just his F#$% buddy! I do not think he is going to leave her and if he does, I do not think he will marry you.

 

 

 

I cannot stand people who think it is right to break up marriages.

[Genesis]

This is so funny. The woman is rich! HA! He is never going to choose you! If he does you have to take care of him! Find a new man it is not worth it to him. Since his wife is going to start putting in her action(IN the Bed & Money wise) you are as good as gone. He will not get a penny of her money in the divorce due to infidelity! So do not expect any of her money. IF he does pick you, you will be POOR AS HELL BUT IN LOVE!!!

 

Just get use to being THE OTHER WOMEN!!

[Knctrnl22]

I think that Genesis is a little upset and telling it how it is, can't really blame her myself.

 

What I will say that yes I side with her on the fact that you are in deep trouble when it comes to judgement day. Also I do know that its never too late to fix something. It seems to me that you may spend a lot of time back and forth with this person because you will give in to the feeling that you feel for him. I myself say that I will not give in to sex with someone that I shouldn't but then give in. All that I can say is that whenever the day comes that you feel great pain in your heart because things change and will change between you and this married man, do know that you had the power to prevent that pain. In other words you will face consequences that you may never had to face but you chose to. This situation is too complicated in order for it to end a happy ending it can only end in a sad one. I do wish you good luck, maybe a miracle can happen to free you from this situation, since you cannot free yourself.

[nakedbutterfly]

Well I know that having an affair with a married man is wrong!!!!!!!

 

My heart has gotten in the way of my rational thinking. We, or most of us, have all done crazy things for love. And perhaps I am living in a fairytale.... But people get divorced, things don't always work out. I am not the cause of this marriage falling apart - I just happened to be there for him when things fell apart.

 

and you know he may never leave because of the money, and I am probably waisting my time.....but I ask myself, what if.....

 

nakedbutterfly

[Genesis]

Yes you do have poor judgement and morals. Which will come back to haunt you. You reap what you sew. You are very displeasing to God right now. You still have time to change.

 

Marriages fail because of cheating , money issues,ect. break them up. You really are blind if you think that this will work out. I think that people who have affairs have low self esteem and lack of personal boundaries. You did not have to let this "relationship" get this far. He is using you if things were so bad with his wife's drug use and he wanted out he would have left already. He will never leave , but that is fine because when you take vows they are for life. You are not important in the eyes of God as far as this relationship is concerned. God wants you to find your own husband who will not lie and cheat on you , and he will treat you like a queen and not second best.

 

Marriage is not a bed of roses all the time, it takes work and commitment. My question to you is how would you feel if you were the wife and this was your husbands. what goes around comes around you will pay for your mistakes. I hope his wife does not take violent actions toward you, but she may. Many men tell women a sad sorry sap story to try to justify what they are doing. Men who really love the other women will leave their wife and marry them. The sad fact is that 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than the first. How old are you, you sound very immature? I think you are not in Love but Lust. If you really knew what Love is you would know that it means not desrespecting yourself or others.

[Genesis]

Yes you do have poor judgement and morals. Which will come back to haunt you. You reap what you sew. You are very displeasing to God right now. You still have time to change.

 

Marriages fail because of cheating , money issues,ect. break them up. You really are blind if you think that this will work out. I think that people who have affairs have low self esteem and lack of personal boundaries. You did not have to let this "relationship" get this far. He is using you if things were so bad with his wife's drug use and he wanted out he would have left already. He will never leave , but that is fine because when you take vows they are for life. You are not important in the eyes of God as far as this relationship is concerned. God wants you to find your own husband who will not lie and cheat on you , and he will treat you like a queen and not second best.

 

Marriage is not a bed of roses all the time, it takes work and commitment. My question to you is how would you feel if you were the wife and this was your husbands. what goes around comes around you will pay for your mistakes. I hope his wife does not take violent actions toward you, but she may. Many men tell women a sad sorry sap story to try to justify what they are doing. Men who really love the other women will leave their wife and marry them. The sad fact is that 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than the first. How old are you, you sound very immature? I think you are not in Love but Lust. If you really knew what Love is you would know that it means not desrespecting yourself or others.

[SarCareBear]

Everyone makes mistakes, and I guess you falling for this guy qualifies as a mistake. However, look at the relationsihp from a new point of view. This man is having hard times with his wife of 20 years. HARD TIMES. he didnt just fall out of love with her, just pepole change but he will always love her even if they did get divorced, which is highly doubtful. She comes first to him, and you were there when she wasnt. You were used, and fell for it to be something real. But wake up, and realize he was depressed, bored, and looking for attention that he wasnt getting with his wife. It is true, affairs often make relationships stronger because you learn that your spouse is the one you truelly love, which he has apparently realized. You're like his little whipped B*ch, you owe it to their marraige and him to STOP this NOW!

[nakedbutterfly]

Genesis,

 

You are a very angry judgemental person. That's ok I can deal with that. As for your Religious views - well I am not religious so they mean nothing to me.

 

To make a long story short. I have just got off the phone with my "married man" and I put everything on the table. And yes he honestly told me that he will probably never leave his wife. So where does that leave me - It leaves me with the knkowledge that I will not win him over, and that if I continue to see him it will be nothing more than sex. And you know what, unlike the views of SarCareBear who thinks I am his whipped B*ch, I can tell you that I am as selfish as he because I enjoy the sex tremendously also. We both agree to that. Ha, maybe we deserve each other after all.....

 

nakedbutterfly

[Genesis]

Yes, you are a sad women, but I would know that someone like you would not possess any type of morals, ethics, integrity or character. Yes your sad life will continue on being second best! OHHH That sounds so fun! You will have bastard children and never possess the heart of the man who "loves" you. Yes you live a life full of vile behavior and wickedness, which will only come back to haunt you. You should not worry about little "OL" me however.

 

You should look out for your boyfriend's wife or her friends and hope that one day they will not hunt you down and beat the living hell out of you. I really envy you and your life!! I hope you can tell that I am being sarcastic! So you still have your F@#$ buddy, so what. You are still no better than a woman who prostitutes and tricks herself to Johns. In essense, that is all you are doing "tricking" yourself into thinking this relationship means something to this man. When he finds a new girl to mess around with you will be good as gone! Good Luck !!!

 

Telling it like it is!!! Do not worry about my judgement we all judge no matter what anyone says. Take this as helpful advice to get yourself together!!

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Woah..it's gettin a bit hot in here...

Genesis, I think u should give her a bit of a break, i meant u're gettin a bit deep there. It's not like i don't agree wif half the things you say but she honestly does deserve a break, she might even have a hard road ahead and no one inc. me has been very supportive of her actions so far (not like we should be really). I ain't no moderator or anything, just a member like you but i'm sure it'd b appreciated that this *thing* stops soon. I'm sure, as a relgious person that you are very understanding and have great beliefs.

 

Nakedbutterfly, i will give you a bit of a break, i've already told you how i feel about ur situation. I'm not saying you're a wicked wicked person or anything and i guess sometimes, when you really want something, u can be so blind to see all the warnings and signs that may occur. This may or may not have happened for you. Sometimes ppl can find it hard to understand or relate to situations simply becoz of the way they were brought up or the heavy beliefs they have. I guess at the end of the day, everyone's different and things like this do happen, ppls marriages do break up. It's so unfortunate but in a way genesis is right, how would you feel if u were the wife and ur husband was cheating on you? There is definitely a thought there.

 

For enotalone, please stop this *thing* 2. It does take 2 to make an argument.

 

Well, thnx a lot everyone.

Peace out

 

Happy Heb