What does it all mean?

[Angstyboi]

Me and my ex used to argue, get into fights, etc. on the phone and internet. But now...we see eachother in person and it's like we never broke up. She still kisses me, she still has a flirty attitude with me, jokes around with me, sleeps on my lap and chest, when I ask her "do you love me" sometimes she would not answer, others she would giggle, others she would say "maybe". She says "I don't want to say anything until I'm sure I am ready". I do buy her stuff(it was a promise when were we in a relationship that I'd get her lots of clothing when I get the money because her mom really is not a provider and I am a man of my word). She is really greatful and tells just about everyone who got them for her. She loves my attention, when I pick up my cell phone she smothers me, when I walk away from her she shouts my name to come back, when I don't sit next to her right away she pats the seat and says "sit down please", if I sit a seat away from her, she just stares at me blankly, not saying a word. What's going on? What can I make of this? Does she really love me, and is just building on it so it can be strong or is this just an act? Please let it not be an act....

 

P.S: She's planning on taking me to an expensive dinner and my favorite restaurant and getting me a nice gift. I doubt she's doing it to use me. I argued about not having to take me but she "insisted".

[BetterKarma]

How old are you two?

[Angstyboi]

I wish this didn't matter but we're both 17.

[talo]

What's going on? What can I make of this? Does she really love me, and is just building on it so it can be strong or is this just an act? Please let it not be an act....

 

Love is going on. Don't make anything of it. Making anything of love is "building on it". The building is the act. Just be natural and enjoy what is happening.

[Angstyboi]

So does this mean I should just go along with it till she finally says "Justin, I'm ready to go back out with you"?

[talo]

Didn't you say she was planning to take you out to a restaurant. Isn't this going "out with you"?

[Angstyboi]

Could be making everything up to me, could be for my upcoming birthday. But besides the taking me out part, what can this mean?

[keefy1972]

nothing but the obvious. she digs you man, enjoy it!

[talo]

Could be making everything up to me, could be for my upcoming birthday. But besides the taking me out part, what can this mean?

This means that you are trying to 'place yourself', 'know where you are', 'be secure'. Is this correct?

 

One does not know where one is in love. This is the beauty of love.

[Angstyboi]

So what should I do? Even if it's months from now, what if she says she's ready is it a good idea to try her again? How do I know this isn't all just an act?

[Angstyboi]

Well...how can I tell whether or not this is just her getting some dry ground to stand on? Sorry I just have alot of questions, I guess I'm happy but just want to make sure of it.

[talo]

So what should I do? Even if it's months from now, what if she says she's ready is it a good idea to try her again? How do I know this isn't all just an act?

 

All you 'should' do is follow feeling and not (overly) worry about the future. If you are following your feelings the future will be in tune with your feeling.

 

One knows it is not an act by noticing how one feels. One can sense, feel, whether 'this feels genuine'. From you original post this felt genuine to me.

[talo]

Well...how can I tell whether or not this is just her getting some dry ground to stand on? Sorry I just have alot of questions, I guess I'm happy but just want to make sure of it.

 

One 'tells' by staying with one's own feeling. One's own feeling always 'tells the truth'. Feeling does not 'tell' it in words (telling in words is thinking). One 'follows' feeling. One feels one's way. One is sensitive to feeling.

 

One cannot guess (think) whether one is happy or not, one knows one is happy by _feeling_ happy. When one tries to wonder (think) about whether one is happy, one moves away from _feeling_ , happiness, into _thinking_ about whether one is happy, which is moving away from the feeling of happiness into doubt. 'Staying on the happy path' is being sensitive to the moment when one 'steps off it'.

 

I am pleased to respond to your guestions JJ. I am pleased that you are seeking answers to these important questions. Keep up the good work you are doing here

[Angstyboi]

Thank you Talo for the helpful evaluation. I really hope you are correct, I really do hope that she will reconsider everything and come back to me. We didn't break up on bad terms, she did some stupid things after but nothing that can't be forgiven. Maybe things won't be the same, but they can be better if I let it. I hope this is not just a passing thing. Boy oh boy I hope it's the truth though.

[Angstyboi]

I want to keep this topic alive so excuse the multiple posts. I want to keep it one thread. She still calls me "babe", says she's happy with the fact that I love her, says I'm gorgeous(pshh which I am Laughing ) and etc. What to make of everything? I really don't know, but she says "if we're together it would be like my mom and my step dad" which means she's bossy, and I'm the pushover. I however don't think so, any ways you think I can convince her otherwise and improve on this whole campaign

Also, can you she really actually love me if she hasn't actually said it? If I were to say "I love you" to her, should would say "I know...". Is there a logical reason that she isn't saying it or is it because she really doesn't, That's what really mixes up the confusion.

 

She really is a smart person, so I hope that she will eventually consider me strongly. This relationship counselling is basically a "job" that she gets paid for. It's a program in her school that teachers about abuse, treatment, etc. So I think it is helping her, and I think she is realizing on her own. But I hope for the best, I guess I am the one who wants to rush it Razz But I know I shouldn't so I'll wait. I guess I'm scared that I won't be the one picked...I don't know.

 

I actually talked to her today, I don't know what to make of something. I'll put it in dialogue form to make it easier

 

Naima(my ex): Justin, can I ask you something?

Justin: Sure.

Naima: What are you up to?

Justin: Concerning what exactly?

Naima: With me..Like are you trying to protect me from boys that don't even exist(laugh)? When I say I'm not ready...I don't know...

Justin: You know I do love you, and I don't want you getting sidetracked. One day I'd like you to say "Justin, I'm ready for a relationship" and come to me...I don't know, I promised you I'd love you forever and here I am keeping my promise.

Naima: I know but I don't want to hurt you.

Justin: Why are you so set on hurting me?

Naima: I'm not set on hurting you, it's just I don't want to.

Justin: Stop being set on that, be set on making me happy.

 

Do you think she really is anticipating something that will hurt me? Or do you think she is just worried for nothing? I really don't know what to make of it...How do you think I can overall improve everything? Roses? Anything? Thanks in advanced.

[boybornbad]

I think it does matter that she is only 17 I'm afraid. It sounds like she's not really sure what she wants. She doesn't want a full on relationship but won't let you go. I don't mean to be harsh, but that is just being immature and selfish. You need to get clarification on where you stand. Just ask her to be honest with you, are you a couple or are you not. Otherwise you'll live in limbo, she's having it all her way, and you'll never meet anyone else until you get this sorted. if she suddenly meets someone else are you history? By now she either loves you or she doesn't. A girl knows when she's in love. You have to protect yourself and be strong. You need her to tell you in no uncertain terms what you two are. Maybe you need space to work it out. Make sure her relationship with you is based on love and not need, then you'l know if its worth the risk. Take care and I really hope it works out. Keep me posted.

[RuS525]

My opinion just keep cool and wait it out and just see what happens i dont think it is an act. But you never know stuff happens

[boybornbad]

That converstaion you quoted sounds to me like she doesn't want to start a relationship with you because she's unsure of her feelings for you. i.e if they're not strong enough 3 months from now she drops you and bingo...you get hurt. She ain't planning it but she's not sure she can trust her feelings. Hope I am wrong.

[Angstyboi]

Thank you for the response. I agree, Boy. Several times, she's said "I don't deserve someone like you...". I think it's really self esteem issues. If you're right, then what you're saying is that she does love me, she just doesn't know what to do with it and is too scared to say it. And I've seen that myself. She loves when I say "I love you" to her, I'm the only person she calls(frequently anyway), calls me baby, says I'm lovely, etc. etc. Do you think it'd be a good idea to sit her down and just tell her of what I'm aware of and tell her not to worry? Or something to that extent? Any tips will be appreciated Thanks again!

[boybornbad]

Well, you need to talk. You need her to clarify her feelings. Don't let her dodge the issue. Don't see things that aren't there. She may love you she may not and you need to know. The self esteem stuff I don't know about I don't know her history. Has she been hurt? Abused? Is her family life ok? Whats she so afraid of? We all have to take chances in life. Love is a risk, a gamble but how will you ever win if you don't place a bet?.

Even if we get hurt we learn. If she's afraid, then you're just going to have to make her not afraid. Be a man. And don't get messed about. Find out how she feels about you. If she thinks there's a future. Otherwise walk because you'll be saving yourself a lot of wasted time and heartache..

[Angstyboi]

I know it's very confusing for her. But if she's showing that she "loves me" from the sidelines, without actually telling me then why is it so confusing? I really hope what you guys said is true, I really hope she's not planning something or just knows of something. I'll make it clear to her that she should respect the fact that I love her which means my expectations are already met. I hope all goes well. She seems very drawn to me still. Yesterday she called me she says "can I talk to you for at least 15 minutes...please...", it wasn't about anything important, just some things she did that day and she could have easily called someone else to tell them. I will talk to her, but it always seems to be something different eachtime. If I were to ask her if she loves me, she could probably say "no" when all of the signs are there that she does. You can't just fake these things, I know she's just scared. Scared of what? possibly committment phobia. I really don't know what to do overall, I guess I'll let time do all of the work.

[talo]

If I were to ask her if she loves me, she could probably say "no" when all of the signs are there that she does. You can't just fake these things, I know she's just scared. Scared of what? possibly committment phobia. I really don't know what to do overall, I guess I'll let time do all of the work.

If she is scared, just reassure her that everything is fine as it is. Don't rush to 'know where you are' in words; as you say, you really know anyway; just be honest with yourself, trust yourself, and enjoy watching "time do all the work"; and then you will not have to do any Love does its own work.

[Angstyboi]

Everyone seems so sure it's love. I hope everyone's right. But I am kind of the jealous type, not drastically but I do wonder....but I know I can trust her. She said she wants to stay single for a while; "when I'm ready, you'll be the first on my mind that I'll consider". I guess I'm just living in the future. Concerning some foul things that she did to me after the break up...should I forgive her? She said sorry and is now being nicer to me again(like she was in the beginning when she first fell in love with me). Is this is a case of forgive and forget?

[talo]

Can you stop doubting your own intuition on whether this is love JJ?

 

She says she wants to stay single; fine; I mean you weren't thinking of getting married anyway were you She is not 'reaching any conclusions' and you should do this as well; love does not mean anything is concluded; love is living in the moment.

 

Love is not really about forgiving nor forgetting, it is more about not remembering this way, each moment is not contaminated by any previous moment.

[Angstyboi]

Doubt is something I do the most unfortunety. And yeah...being that she's my first real love I would have liked to keep it that way. I know that in life I can experience the full thing with just one person I love. She is sorry about everything she's done out of spite, etc. She says the way she handled it was very immature and now she's going back to her old self little by little. I hope this isn't just a little phase but one can only hope I suppose. I highly appreciate the support Talo. I may see her over the weekend so I'll pick her up some nice flowers and take her to a movie as another otherwise good gesture.