What should I do?

[Striver]

I need to ask how I should deal with my situation.

 

I am in love with someone. I have also been this person's friend for several years. We have not been physically involved, nor what I would define as romantic dating, but we have been seeing each other regularly, say once every week or two, and we exchange emails regularly, almost daily. About a year ago, I wanted to have a physical relationship but she told me that she wanted to stay just friends for awhile.

 

Well tonight we got together, had a few beers, and she told me she wanted to be honest and let me know she has been in "just" a physical relationship with someone for the past two weeks. She likes just the sex part, without the commitments and wants to continue it.

 

I was not sure how to react. She asked me how I felt and I told her that I do love her very much and her friendship means alot to me, however, what she just told me bothers me inside and I am not sure how I deal with it.

 

And so, that is my question, how to I deal with something like this? In my heart I love her, and it hurts inside to know that she is intimate with someone else, but not I. I had hopes that her and I could someday become something more, and have a committed relationship. I also highly value her friendship. I care about her alot Part of me wants to put up all the walls, try to distance myself, to not feel the emotional involvement. I am really not sure right now. What should I do?

[randiandriien]

Hopefully the part of her that just wants the physical relationship is something that will leave her system soon. The lack of commitment means that she doesn't want to be come emotionally involved with that person, which might be a good thing, if you want to wait that is.

 

As far as waiting, I think it's just up to how much you truly love her. What does she say when you tell her that you love her?

[Striver]

"What does she say when you tell her that you love her?"

 

Well she did not say she loved me in return. She did tell me that she cared about me and that my friendship was an important part of her life. She said she really like the sexual part that this new relationship awakened in her. She was a single uncommitted woman and was enjoying it.

 

I told her that for me, its not just the sexual part, its also about having romantic feelings as well.

[randiandriien]

Well if you feel that you want to continue to wait for her because something might come of it, you can definitely do that. Maybe this is something she needs to experience and get past- like I said previously, out of her system.

 

But if you feel that you can't wait, it's only fair to yourself that you move on.

[mystik]

Honestly speaking, I don't think she's in to you. The fact that she didn't tell you she felt the same way and that she cared for the friendship is key. I think she was just letting you off nicely instead of straight out rejecting you as more than friends. The term here would be "friendzoned." It has already been a year since you have told her your feelings and she has yet to solidify a relationship or confirm that she now feels something more than friendship for you. Frankly speaking, and I hate to say this, but, she sees you as a friend and nothing more. Otherwise, she would have decided to be with you shortly after you confessed her feelings. Also, she would not have jumped into this sexual relationship with someone else. I just think that she does care for you, but probably already knows not in the way that you want her to. However, she can see that you're a great person and friend, and wishes she did feel that way..except that she doesn't. If she did, she would be with you right now, and not sleeping with the other guy..

[mystik]

Sorry, to answer your question of what you should do...it is to move on. I know, easier said than done. But don't waste your time wondering and waiting....because it isn't likely to happen. You'll just be stuck in this friendship wanting more forever. Perhaps keep your mind and options open to other women too.

[Striver]

I believe you are right that I will stuck in this friendship wanting more forever.

 

You know, I wanted a relationship with someone I could love and also be my friend. That friendship part was really important to me because I thought that it would cement a long lasting relationship together. But that must have been all she ever saw in me, just her friend.

 

It sounds very much like the best answer is to move on, though right now it hurts like hell.

[bhzmafia]

It really doesnt sound like she likes you - and you should move on. Right now, it is almost like you are having a relationship, only the other guy is getting all the sex. Thats not something anyone enjoys...

 

Give the friendship a bit of a rest, it will be hard, but its only hurting you to stick around, right?

[Striver]

Well, I decided to take a direct approach. I asked her to meet me over lunch so we could talk.

 

I told her I felt angry and was a bit jealous over what she told me the other night, because I felt that we should be the relationship where we have a physical one. I did not bring any emotional stuff into it, and tried to keep everything positive. I just stated what I wanted out of the relationship. The friendship is very important but I want more. I asked her to think over my position and let me know.

 

The rest of the lunch was pleasant, and at the end she indicated she wanted to continue to see me, and will think over what I said. But who knows how this will turn out. At least she did not turn me down outright. and I have made the attempt.

[Momene]

I still think you're friendzoned and possibly perrmanently. There must be otehr girls around somewhere.

[Striver]

ok...Here is how this played out. I asked her out, she agreed, and the place I asked her to, clearly indicated my romantic intentions. I figured ok, lets see if this is going to go somewhere or I am "friendzoned" as you call it. Well she breaks the date at the last minute, with some "emergency" that imho was most likely just an excuse. However, I kept my reaction nice, and did not get angry or anything.

 

When she broke it, she suggested we get together the following week. I say, ok, fine lets get together the next week. I was about 90% certain she would break it again, but I thought, lets be sure. And sure enough, the day of the date, she breaks it, this time saying that we should perhaps limit our contact to emails and maybe the occasional lunch and let things cool for awhile. And this time I came back and said, that this is something I would not be happy with. That I told her how I felt several weeks ago and my intentions are for something more in the relationship. At which point she said, "well I am not saying forever, but let it rest for awhile".

 

Well I am moving on. But it baffles the devil out of me. And I guess that leads to my questions.

 

Why did she not just end it right there at the beginning when she told me she was having a physical relationship with someone else. If she would have just said, hey I am involved with someone else right now, and I cannot continue to see you, it sure would have caused alot less pain than dragging it on for a couple of weeks.

 

Second question, why would she even agree to two dates with obvious romantic intentions then break them off at the last minute? Would it not be better just to say No from the start?

 

She could even have said two weeks ago, hey I see you as a friend and nothing more, and then I would have moved on right there. Why could she just have been honest with me?

 

This whole time, I have treated her nicely and with respect. She knows i would not be a jerk about it. Was she doing all this, to get me to react and become angry so she would have had "reasons" caused by me to break up?

 

And lastly, why just not "end" it at the end' This idea of "well I am not saying its forever" sounds to me like total BS.

 

Is all this just a "friendzoned" thing, or can someone outside the situation, explain to me what really happened so I will learn for the future.

[Momene]

Keep the friendship but look for another partner. There must be some around. Say you know a famous astronomer. That'll REALLY impress them.