Scared to love again

[eleanorrigby1]

I wrote this poem last year as I was falling for my new boyfriend. I had been heartbroken in the past:

 

The land lies barren, dry and bare

no evidence of the flowers that once grew there

The sun seems to shine so much stronger than before

yet the flowers stay hidden beneath the floor

afraid of the very thing that seems to give life

holding onto a memory of their past life

where they once danced in the sun and smiled in the rain

beautiful, happy, but then came the pain

they wilted then fell and turned into stone

before crawling back under to be left alone

not wishing, not wanting to be set free

they could not cope with any more misery.

[eleanorrigby1]

I love you like a rope pulling tight around my heart

I love you like I can't breath until we are apart

My stomach hurts, my heart beats fast

I'm scared to hope that we might last

I look at you with eyes that shine,

and cannot believe that you are mine

When you hold me a lump seems to form in my throat

I wear my fear like an old comfortable coat

Yet flowers and hearts also dance in my eyes

And I know with my breath I could tell you no lies

A feeling so rare and so new it's a stranger to me

I keep asking all "is this how its meant to be?"

But I wouldn't be without it, if it meant no us two

I'd rather live in emotional hell than in heaven without you

[eleanorrigby1]

I wasn't happy when I was with him, neither happy before, or immediately after

When I loved him it wasn't him, it was the person he said he was

The person I wanted him to be, the feeling I wanted to feel

It wasn't me that he met, or pretended to love

She was the one who held me prisoner, the one who cried each night and yet continued to let him use her

She thought that she was protecting me inside of her perfect shell

But in doing so she began to reject me

And hide me,

Suffocating me until I was lost

 

Lost in who I thought he was and who he wanted me to be

Until no one wanted anyone

He no longer wanted me and I wasn't sure who I saw or wanted when I looked at him

or in the mirror..

yet it felt like dying to say goodbye

And it felt like a funeral in the days that followed

and I grieved

for the loss of something that never existed

 

The rejection tattooed into me, burned into my flesh

Reaching inside, wrapping itself around my lungs and my heart

Until I couldn't breathe

Until I couldn't feel.

Yet in the numbness came me

Amidst the chaos and confusion I rode in on my white horse

And I picked up the remains of her and I threw them out

I didn't need protecting from me

I just needed to BE me

 

In the clarity

came someone else

and then came feeling,

Breathing,

then Loving,

And with the loving came fear

but in the fear came understanding

and I understand my fear, yet continue to love..