personality disorder

[abbett]

i posted yesterday under heading of "problems with new girl". reference it if you like.

 

anyway, my therapist has said in 2 sessions that she can't diagnose her long distance but she sounds like someone with a personality disorder like borderline or anti-social.

 

has anyone ever dated someone or been involved with someone with such a personality disorder? what was your experience like?

 

thanks

[opiate92]

It sounds like a terrible thing to say... but I've been with three (yeah...guess I don't learn very fast) women now with mental illnesses. The first two were undiagnosed but obviously had problems - but the last had diagnosed bipolar and anxiety disorder.

 

When our relationship began she seemed normal. Six months into it we had dinner (as usual) and she brought along a hand written letter. She read the letter to me over dinner. She admitted she'd been diagnosed with bipolar and that she'd actually tried to commit suicide a year earlier. Her doctors told her that people with bipolar usually can't keep a job or a relationship. She stressed that she was worried I'd leave her because of this (she knew about my ex's mental problems), but promised she'd get help until she was better.

 

It was a long painful road. For the next year she would exhibit manic and then depressive tendencies back and forth. I stayed with her even though at times I was so worried that it affected my mental health as well. Ultimately she became extremely needy (at least two phone calls a day usually adding up to 2 or 3 hours) and needed to see and hear from me all the time. It was scary, but I loved her and she loved me (or so it seemed), so I tried to get through it with her. Eventually these patterns became normal to me. Eventually she decided she was well enough to go back to work after being unemployed over a year and a half. She really liked her new job, which did wonders for her confidence. However, at that point she developed a form of delusions of granduer (common in a bipolar manic phase). She made new friends, convinced herself that she was "over" her illness, and decided she "deserved" a new boyfriend now that she was a "normal" person.

 

The sad thing is that most of my friends and family that knew about her illness liked her personally - but did NOT want to see us get married because they didn't want to see me suffer for the rest of my life. The fall-out is that before I met this girl I was very mentally stable, but as weird as it sounds her depression rubbed off on me and during the break-up I actually had thought about committing suicide - which is something I never EVER thought about in my life before this (I'm 25). Now that she has left I'm left with the same feelings of isolation that she exhibited a year earlier... as if dealing with her disease "taught" me how to have the same symptoms.

 

If you know this girl really does have a disorder ...save yourself my friend and get out while you still can. As evil as it sounds - 99% of these people end up hurting the ones they love in the end (just surf around on some bipolar forums for evidence of this if you don't believe my story). Because I chose to give it a try and trust someone with bipolar I lost many friends and have basically almost lost my own mind as well in the process.

 

Just pull away now - it will be MUCH less painful....

[heythere1234]

So Abbett, Now I'm curious, can you please describe some of the girl's actual behaviors so we can get a feel for what she does that so out there?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have to say, if you have a choice, do not date anyone with Bipolar Disorder, at least not until they are stable! Bipolars CAN have relationships and jobs, but not when they are sick, so if you dont want to be in it for the long haul, get out whilst you can. As a Bipolar myself, Ive wrecked quite a few relationships, usually in a traumatic way.

 

But to go back to what the original poster actually said .. this girl hasnt even been diagnosed, so dont start thinking like this already! Has your girlfriend actually been to a doctor herself? Id take what your therapist said about her with a pinch of salt really, as they have never even met your girlfriend.

 

OOH MAJOR QUESTION . . . Your therapist told you that..so you are in therapy yourself, what for if you dont mind sharing? (Presumably not a personality disorder?!)

[abbett]

i've not checked this in a while......so i'm getting back if some of you who replied are curious......

 

i have been in therapy since last november when my 6-year relationship was coming to an end. i continued going to therapy as i was dealing with moving on emotionally as well as dealing with the financial aspect of buying my partner out of her share of the house, etc, and as i moved onto dating others. i felt good going to therapy to kind of talk through my process of moving on.

 

since i last posted, the girl i've been seeing since feb, that i described here, tried to kill herself with pills, almost died, was in the hospital a few days, and then was transferred to the psych unit. after that, she was released. and she was put on wellbutrin. she started going to individual therapy and was diagnosed with borderline pers disorder - not bipolar as someone here got confused about. my therapist had actually said that my new gf sounded like she had a personality disorder and i've read that you usually can have a combo of 2 or 3. she might also have some avoidant and dependent going on, too.

 

anyway........the wellbutrin, she says, is not helping, but after 6-7 weeks, they still have her on 150mg - have not increased it to the normal 300. so she's not really feeling better.

 

her symptoms: the lowest self-esteem i've ever seen. she has said she see things in black and white - that's a symptom. when she feels overwhelmed, she shuts me and everyone out and when we leave her alone, she feels abandoned and begs me bag. she is terrified to meet new people or be involved in public situations. when i first met her, we had to exchange notes because she could not bring herself to actually talk with me.

 

she would rather be at home all the time. she has no friends. she's not worked in 8 or 9 months. she's horrible with money. she lives with a family friend. she has no car.

 

she's often irritable, depressed, anxious, angry, etc.

 

if you have any more questions, let me know. but, as of now, she has been professionally diagnosed. and i'm growing more and more tired of the constant chaos.

[BONO]

Im not sure what my ex had/has, but she did exibt many of the traits you have outlined.

 

It was really hard as YOU end up riding the emotional rollercoaster with them - thinking its normal !!

 

I loved the phrase " I hate you, please dont leave me ! ?!"

 

I looked into BPD and various similar offshoots of that to try and work out what the heck was going on - so I could perhaps show her that she needed help. We kept on splitting up, once i was so fed up with it I gave her an article on BDP. It went down like a fart in a space suit !

 

Up and down, up and down , mood swings, forming intense bonds with our friends, then not being in contact for months. Sex was intense( but only when she had had a few drinks) and then nothing for a month or so.

 

The entire thing peaked when we finally split and she decided to leave london and go back home to live with her mum, leaving all her friends in London - she is 29 !!!!!!

 

At a party she was looking for attention and ended up *trying to cut herself in front of our friends.

 

 

For the 1st time her mask was off and they saw what she was like as well. They and not me told her it was wise to get help. I went into NC NC. She came back again and I went to go see her cos she wanted reconcilation. We had a great weekend resulting in her getting drunk and throwing me out and her friends at 4am in the morning

 

Ya see, some people just want to be the victim - because thats the way they have been brought up. Its a shame, because I still love her - but you need to let them go (for now) and realise that its them and not you thats at fault.

 

 

Scruff