Ever feel like your friends just plain do not understand you?

[xmrth]

**top of page 2 is an updated post**

 

It's kind of been this way all throughout my life, and am wondering who feels the same, or who has gone through the same thing.

 

First and foremost: I'm not quiet. I'm not loud and obnoxious, but I'm nowhere near quiet. OR shy. But somehow people say that I am. I DON'T know where this comes from! I can be very "loud" and am certainly outgoing. But somehow... I'm QUIET?

Does this at all sound familiar? That seems to be the biggest thing, is being called "quiet" when you're certainly NOT quiet.

 

And the worst part of that is going out or doing something, and you're acting totally 100% natural, as you always are, but somehow they've never seen that side of you?

 

I guess being loud and obnoxious is the new talkative because if being talkative means you're not talkative... I just don't know what is.

 

That, and another thing is being all girly. I'm "girly," as in, certainly not a tomboy in any sense of the word, but I'm not disgusted by a lot of things and can take charge. So while talking to a friend on how to handle something, she's like "If I were YOU I'd do it like this" (a dainty way) "but if you were ME, I'd do it like this" (a rugged way)

And it's like... where does this you were me, I were you stuff come from? And no, I wouldn't do it the "dainty" way I was shown... ever.

 

It goes on, like you're all goody when you're certainly not, and things like that. It's all things like how people perceive you as being the opposite of what you are.

 

It feels like being put under a spotlight for negative attention.

 

I just wanted to add:

Is it even this, or just a way that people like to be able to put someone down??

 

_Martha

[tmp0620]

I don't think anyone's trying to put you down.

 

If people see you as quiet and tomboyish then it's because that's the way you act, or at least the way that they perciece you act. I don't think you should take offense to any of that, but if you want to be seen in a different way, be aware of how you're acting and how people might percieve the way you act.

[Mrocza]

Wow. That really sounds like me.

 

People tell me I seem like an observer, the quiet one, shy...and while I'm not a party animal all the time, I'm not exactly closed either.

 

And people tell me all the time that I'm too girly or dainty...meanwhile, I think I'm pretty darn tough.

 

I try not to take it personally. I don't think they're trying to put you down...more like making a generalized statement. Doesn't necessarily have to be true, and while it pisses me off too, I learn to either ignore or speak out.... speak out about it!

 

If people see you're not complacent and don't appreciate statements like that, even if they aren't bad, then let them know it bugs you.

[xmrth]

IronLion, it is the other way around as them seeing me as really super girly. Not that I'm tomboyish, but it's that I'm not all super girly as they think and whatnot. But that in particular I took a lot of offense to in which this friend thinks I'm all dainty and afraid.

 

Fairie, that's true... to speak out and things like that. I mean, today in particular which inspired the post (I didn't mention the topic in here though because it gets complicated) but I did try to speak out, by turning back at this friend of mine, and being like "...what? no" blah blah, like it's so absurd for them to think it. I can so easily speak up to someone I don't care as much about... but for someone who I care more for as a friend it's harder...

 

Something that makes it hard is that they say it, but somehow take it back. Like this time in particular this friend is saying these things, but then laughing and putting her hand on my shoulder and being like you know... just kidding. Like, anything to say it but to take it back enough for them to be forgiven, but keep saying it. Just all these misconceptions. It was like today was all of them in one day or something.

[Mrocza]

If it offends you or hurts you, even if said in jest you should really speak out and tell them.

 

Sometimes it's those seemingly innocent comments that are meant to be catty...

[xmrth]

It's so hard for me to think of something to say back. I can say anything to someone who is not my friend, but when it comes to them, I feel like I will be embarrassing myself even more than they already are by them being able to easily turn it around like everything's okay.

 

Like the even more frequent, "you'd never do that" sort of things. All I can think of saying is "yes I would" and it does nothing... Part of me wants to just get defensive and offensive about it, but an even bigger part of me feels badly. I'd rather make them feel stupid as hell, but I can't think of a thing at all. Maybe I'll just pretend that they are crazy... like "what...? ....what are you talking about?" sort of thing, like I have NO idea or something. And then they can be the ones to feel embarrassed.

[Mrocza]

Try some sort of outrageous comment back to show just how ridiculous their claims are.

 

"You'd never tell it like it really is" or "You always were such an awesome judge of character" in a sarcastic tone.

 

I know what it's like to feel offended or not know what to say back because you don't want to be rude, or worse, lame.

[xmrth]

I think those things sound good. I've got this feeling I'll have to use one tomorrow, and I don't know why. It was just so weird... because it was like one thing after another after another with her, like she was releasing some kind of built up frustration towards me. I've certainly NOT done anything.. but it was like she summed up all of those kinds of misconceptions other friends have had of me throughout the years into one time frame... and then "just kidding" oh sorry, smiles and happy faces, everything's fine. You got to say what you wanted and take it back without actually really taking it back...

It makes me so mad. Tomorrow is when I will be around her again, so my feelings are sort of heightened right now about it.

[Mrocza]

Lol, I knew it was a she and not them.

 

Same for me.

 

These are called toxic friendships.

She'll always bring you down.

As much fun as you have with her when you're having fun, is exactly how witchy she'll be when she feels the need to throw one of her catty remarks in.

 

You can start outsmarting her and it might shut her up for a while, or make the catty remarks more frequent.

 

The thing is, if your friend is constantly putting you down, even unconsciously, how much of a friend is she, really?

[xmrth]

It was just one person for the case that brought up the post, and it used to be a lot like all throughout my life (maybe middle school and up), and then it was once in a while (like once every 2 months or something) but with her, it's more frequently. I am noticing more things with her than I had before-- like looking back at weird things and realizing she meant it differently.

 

I don't mind not being friends with her anymore, but it bothers me to let someone think and know they're bothering me. The only thing that really makes me feel better is that I bother her enough to act that way. But it kind of doesn't do me any good unless I can say something back. I don't have -anything- on her to say. So it all lies in my reaction-- I want to say things like what you suggested like having bad judge of character, and things like that. It all really makes me question if I'm putting -myself- out there in the right way, or if these misconceptions (her and anyone else) are always for real... I think hers are a little of both.

[xmrth]

Well look at that, still April which I originally started this thread. It seems longer.

 

I feel like with other people I've managed to show my true colors even more (and I don't know if that term 'true colors' is supposed to mean bad or good, but I mean it in a good way) to other people and I've not had problems with any of my friends except this one in particular.

 

I'm now becoming afraid to say anything while around her. I have to go to her house to pick something up, so God only knows what will come from that.

 

She just started making things up about me, and I have no idea what is said that I'm NOT around to hear. But wow... she's so nice when she's nice, and is nice more often than otherwise, but I can't believe she exaggerates things about me.

She turned me turning down the milk at her house to put in my coffee (because IT WAS OLD and even her mother had to convince her to have it that morning 3 months ago... hello-- 3) into me watching my weight. she's like "Martha wouldn't drink the milk at my house because it was WHOLE MILK." and she was dead serious. She was trying to imply I watch my weight. I must have looked nice that day and she was feeling insecure! I don't know!

 

I tried to retaliate by saying how it was, but she was just kind of like... okay, it was sketchy, I'll give you that.

 

She's been saying little things like this to me, and bringing up things I've either said or done and said them in front of other people like this. To be honest, I don't want to just be like oh okay, no more talking to her. Because I feel this need to say something similar back to her, and THEN go about kicking her to the curb in my friendship...

 

I don't know, I didn't want to start another thread because it's fine in here I think. It's more of a vent, too but I'd love any words or similar situations.

[Mrocza]

It's up to you if you want to keep in contact with someone that catty.

 

I don't keep in touch with any of my catty friends. Smart comments back will do nothing to stop them from talking...they'll feel stupid for a moment, but won't change.

[xmrth]

I don't mind if they never change, but to do something to retaliate before kicking them to the curb is what I would feel satisfied in doing. I can't really find the words to not make myself sound stupid mostly because it's always just a "joke."

I almost feel satisfied enough with the fact that I bother someone in such a way that they act like that, but it's also a little bit of not letting them feel like they got to me.