Guest wearing out his welcome: Can't cope!

[scarew]

My boyfriend is a great guy to me and all his friends. But he's kind of a sucker. His friend came in from out of town on March 1st and hadn't found a place to live yet. So my bf said well stay here til you find somewhere. He was going to leave on the 15th, but he hadn't found anything reasonably priced yet because it was the middle of the month. In the meantime, the basement suite opened up as of May 1st so the guest asked if he could move in there. thereforeeee, cornering my bf in to allowing him to stay for another month! I mean, its great that we don't have to find someone to fill that spot downstairs, but the fact is that we will NEVER get alone time for another month because a 24 year old man is living in the living room! My bf hasn't really brought it up as a problem, but it is bugging the crap out of me.

 

I think if we had a guest bedroom it would be different, but its impossible to avoid someone when they are living in the center of your house. He is a fun guy and I don't mind being his friends at all. And he cleans up after himself and everything. I just miss being able to cuddle more and being able to wake up earilier than everyone to have a coffee (I can't do that with him in the living room).

 

The fact is, I know that I will have to deal with this guy bumming off us for another month (food, utilites, etc). So I am asking if anyone can give me some perspective that will get me through the next month, at least I hope only a month. I need a different way to look at this so that I can avoid blowing up and seeming like a #$%*. ](*,)

[shorty20]

well,if your boyfriend is an understanding, caring person, I would go to him first. Say "look, this is your friend... I don't mind him being here but we need to set some ground rules" ie, his friend helping to pay for food/bills... and also giving you guys alone time. Also take into consideration that your boyfriend is trying to please everyone, including his friend... anywayz, I would try to talk to my boyfriend first and see if he has any suggestions. You both live there so don't keep him in the dark about your concerns

[scarew]

Yes your right. I kind of told him how I feel, tip-toeing around it though because your right he is just trying to please everyone and I can't be mad for that. I told him that in order to get some alone time we should go on a few dates next month and maybe fit in a weekend trip that we've been meaning to do for a while. I am kind of afraid to make ground rules about food and bills though! I mentioned...well asked if he was going to ask for rent. But it's hard to ask for rent when they're not even in a bedroom.

 

I need to just try and focus on his (friend) good points and enjoy hanging out with him. And then when it is just me and my bf we will appreciate it even more. Countdown.... 38 days until he goes!

[Mun]

Oh I can understand how you feel... my dad often had guests stay over when I was growing up and my mom's favorite thing to say was " you can't even pass gas when there's company" lol she's kind of colorful like that but as you can see she was not comfortable with it either.

I think that if you are noticing how this is cutting into your romantic time, your boyfriend will probably notice it too. If not, then mention it to him and have him ask him to get out some nights so that you can be alone.

He is a good friend for letting him stay there, but he should not get taken advantage of...ask the guest to chip in for groceries and the like...

When we stay over at someone's place we usually bring in some food...enough that there will be stuff left after we are gone. I think it's the decent thing to do. At least he picks up after himself, some ppl can be guests from hell...ughh

[Momene]

A caring guest would treat you out for a meal, buy you things for the house, maybe even do some decorating.

[Skippy]

ok... this is a thing ithat i dont undertand about ppl.

Here is someone in need and your boyfriend is doing the right thing...

He is going to rent the room downstairs in a month.

He isnt planning to bum off you for months on end, he is keeping the place tidy,. it has only been 15days and you are acting like this ..

are you putting your simple needs above helping someone else that need a roof over their heads??

 

coffee by yourself?? over someone that needs a roof over their head.??

alone time?? over someone that needs a roof over their head.??

privacy?? over someone that needs a roof over their head.??

 

Come on, put your heart in the right place. This guy needs a hand your bf is giving it. This is only a tempory thing and you are making a big deal out of it!!!

If you want to say something you can ask him to pitch in on groceries.

 

HAve a heart. You have to ask ourself about you being selffish. Is your bf a sucker?? or is he someone that knows what is important and the right thing to do.

 

This small inconvience is only a month and sex can get back to moisy level after that.

 

I think making an issue out of this with your boyfriend will only hurt your relationship. It is hs friend that you are asking to kick out and that is not right unless the guys is a REAL BUM.

 

Life is not only about you. It is about the right thing to do.

[Momene]

... but I would have expected a but of help with grocery bills or some token gift if nothing else.

[Skippy]

momene,

i would agree, but it depends on culture and up bringing.

but expecting something only makes you disspointed and selffish.

if the invitation is real then that is what it is. He might have just made a really good froiend that might help him in the future. I don't know but sometimes just clsing one eye and seeing the bigger picture gives us true pssibliities of what friendship is. Being calculative doesnt help any friendship.

In asian coutnries and invitation is an invitation to stay, food and expenses included. it is up to the guest gusture to return the favor now or in the future.

Society is being so calculative

[scarew]

Ok, skippy, I really appreciate you rebelling against the rest of the posts and my opinion because its healthy to look at it a different way. But remember that the biggest problem for me is that it is unacknowledeged. I am living here too, I pay rent here. Even if I was just a roomate he should have asked me if I was ok with it. I wouldn't have said no. Anyways... GET THIS!!!!!!!

 

I am moving out of my own one bedroom apartment. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 and have been pretty much roomate free since. Bottom line, I feel like I am losing alot of independence by moving in with my bf. But its ok, I want to, its just emotional for me. I asked my bf a couple weeks ago if we could just watch a movie at my appt one last time before I leave. Just for closure (I am weird like that...its hard to explain).

 

So on Sunday, which happened to be an extrememly bad day for me (grandparent died, and I had my final shift as my special need sisters respite worker) I asked him to come over after work to watch a movie.

 

The first thing he said was "what about bill (fake name of guest)?" I said "well he can take care of himself for a couple hours". I bought a little lingerie outfit and everything. But when I answered the door they were are BOTH THERE! So my last night which was really important to me, which I cannot get back, was completely tainted.

 

I bit my tongue and just made a joke about it the next day. I said "man if you guys would have been ten minutes later I was planning on answering the door in lingerie! hahaha bill would have thought we were trying to have a 3some or something".

 

My bf isnt stupid, he obviously knows now that I was planning on having an alone night. I'm not sitting here waiting for an apology because I know it wont happen. Not so much as a "thank you for being so understanding about my friends".

 

Skippy, although I do not completley agree, I have alot of respect for the post you gave me for putting me in my place and for letting me see it from his eyes. If you think I am out of place here too, or if I am not, let me know because I think that was over the line. My plan is now to just use the words "alone" and "date" if I ever want to do anything like that.

[scarew]

I just wanted to say, also, I think that my problems with independence that I have make it difficult for me to understand why bill is staying with us. If it were me, I would look into how much hotels cost per month. I mean the guy is in construction he makes a but load of money. Who wants to be a third wheel???

[Skippy]

Hey Scarew,

I can understand about your independence and about your space. I suppose it is something to do with age cos i was like that when i was around your age hahahaha

 

You are right about using the words ALONE and DATE to drive the hint in. I dont recoomend doing it so often though.

 

My impression is that your bf feels obligated to entertain BILL as he is new in town. I would do the same as your bf in this situation and i am pretty sure that you would do the same if one of your gf is moving into town for the first time.

 

i suppose the way i see it is that he could have been more considerate towards you by discussing BILL's stay with you, BUT from his perspetive i would assume that you have the same priinciples as i do and know what the right thing to do is.

 

As you said, your problem is about your independence and about your bf not approaching you on the subject about bill's extended stay. As you said, you would not have said "no". So maybe talking about your independence and NOT about BILL would be a good way to avoid future problems. As for Bill's stay..... bite your tongue because from his perspective you are asking him not to help his friend and that isnt right. ( it will put a bad light on you) The last thing you want is to make the whole environment more uncomfortable.

 

I hope that you can see my point, go out on DATEs to have ALONE time, just dont make it so often that your bf see that you are making him choose.

 

One more thing, it is a good thing that he want s his friends to be your friends too. WHat irritating you is the fact that you dont have a choice in the matter. Communicate that with him.

 

this is an opinion. In the end he is doing the right thing and his heart is in the right place. It is his approach that needs fine tuning.