Pattern Breakers

[meaningsearcher]

Hello All,

 

This is the first time I have posted a question on the boards so here goes. I have found over and over that I have dated the same type of women. In brief they are usually the emotionally rather unavailable type. I seem to really enjoy the highs of when I feel things are going well which seem to be amplified by the lows.

 

But this isn't about my situation exactly. My question is: has anyone figured out at some point that they had a pattern that maybe wasn't serving them to the greatest extent and then taken action and really changed it and became a so called "different person".

 

How did you do it? What was the biggest help in transforming? Did you have to go through a period where nothing felt right until it all sunk in? Do you still slip back into it now and then? Do you regret that you have changed into something different? Do you think the heart catches up with the mind eventually?

 

Well hope this makes sense to someone out there.

 

Greg

[Lunabelle]

I also suffer from the issue you describe -- we realize what we are doing is harmful in some way, but we keep doing it!

 

I was only able to move forward after internalizing this message I found in a Tony Robbins book (now don't poo-poo him, some of his stuff is valid, even for us non-affirmation types).

 

The concept goes something like this:

 

You will only make lasting change when you equate pain with what you are doing now, and pleasure with doing something else.

 

If you are choosing to be around a certain type of person, and it's not working out for ya, choose a different type! It's easy now that you've identified your reluctance to do what you know, deep in your heart of hearts, you have to do! Some people go their whole lives and never gain this insight.

 

I've found that my brain frequently figures things out llllooooonnnggg before my heart actually "lets" me act the way I know I should. thereforeeee I tend to feel guilty, (no more just like a loser!) when I don't make the choice I should. It does not matter what the issue is -- could be choosing a mate, choosing a meal, choosing anything! So not only am I miserable from the bad choice, I feel guilt (loserness) on top of that!

 

My friend, don't do this to yourself! You deserve better! I have found that frequently the very thing I'm afraid of is not as hard or terrible as I imagined it would be.

 

Do you have the opportunity to meet the kind of woman you'd like to get to know? If so, that's a huge good point.

 

And when I use this term "internalizing" what I really mean is, marry that phrase. Think about it. Repeat it to yourself while you're doing some mundane chore and you can think about for a while. Think about why you really are making the (bad) choices you're making. Usually it's due to some fear we'd like to deny, ignore, or simply aren't even conscious of having.

 

As an afterthought, maybe the difficulty you're having is in actually finding this "person" or "type of person" you have conceptualized in your head. Perhaps if you could be a bit more specific?

 

Good luck to you! Don't give up!

[Lunabelle]

Did you have to go through a period where nothing felt right until it all sunk in?

Yes! months and months and months.....

 

 

Do you still slip back into it now and then?

Of course, we're only human. In my case, since I'm not talking brain surgery issues, it's no-harm-no-foul. Ya just keep going on with the plan.

 

 

Do you regret that you have changed into something different?

My only regret is not accepting the reality sooner and fought this battle years ago. Because deciding to "be different" starts with this internal battle. That battle doesn't end, ever. It just comes and goes, like the tide.

 

Do you think the heart catches up with the mind eventually?

I want to say yes (I'm still fighting my own battles you see) and I'm sure it does.

 

But know this, you don't know exactly how you'll feel once you've changed your decisions. I had to make "tough love" choices as I've realized how much I "enable" my husband. (Jeez I hate these dumb physobabble words) Anyway, now that I've toughened up, so to speak, things still are not where I thought they would be in my marriage (in "happiness" levels).

 

Before I decided to change, I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting once I'd changed. I should have spent more time thinking about that. The "goal" of my change was to experience less pain. That goal was achieved, but now what do I do? Because now that I am where I am, is THIS where I want to be? Where do you want to be?

 

But back to you -- if you are with a different type of woman, what would be different about you?

[meaningsearcher]

Thank you so much for your well thought out, thoughtful reply Lunabelle. Part of my reason for writing this post was to gather sucess stories as sometimes I am doubtful real change comes about, although I still believe it can.

 

The problem I have with women who are what a part of me has deemed more healthy for me is that they don't fuel my attraction for them. For me sometimes to use a cliche "the heart wants what it wants". Dating these women makes me feel like I am missing out on something much more valuable. I know this is all in my head and is totally of my construction but it seems so real. I guess that's why I wondered if you had to simply deny yourself pleasure in the short term to gain the pleasure in the long run. It's almost like dealing with an addiction although love and companionship are something that arguable people need to be happy.

 

If I was with a women who really valued me for me and valued herself more perhaps I would feel myself more valued. But you see the problem with this? I need to value myself first before I am in a relationship. I don't know all very confusing.

 

That's why I wanted to see how others make a change and live with it and don't feel like they have made the wrong choice.

[Lunabelle]

I need to value myself first before I am in a relationship.

 

Yes, yes, this is it.

 

I made the mistake of not "doing" this first too!

 

And we can search forever, but we'll never find the mate for us, because when you don't think your own self is worth much, then who cares who you give your heart to?

 

I have a relative who was trying to describe what was so attractive about a certain unemployed guy, and she actually said, "well, at least he's not a drug dealer." (her last boyfriend's occupation) And this has hung around in my head all these years. Is that really all it took for her to decide a man was worthy of her?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating some stuck-up over weening phoney kind of person. But you do have to have some standards, on multiple levels. And they exist for different reasons, some safety reasons. For example, I just wouldn't feel very safe if my significant other was a drug dealer. And certain people are so good at using others -- that means your heart's not in a safe spot.

 

This is the corny part: It's really important that at some stage in your life, you seriously consider qualities you need (and want) in a mate. In my opinion many people marry (either literally or figuratively) without ever truly considering this. (I did and I don't recommend this route.)

 

Greg, be honest with yourself. Jot down some notes. Do the women you're dating fit anywhere on your schematic of ideals? Some of the qualities or characteristics you list may be somewhat flexible, like a continuum. But others may be written in stone. You need to know what the specifics are for you, so that when you learn more about certain women, you know when to draw the line.

 

You set your boundaries for a lot of reasons, but you do have to do it. Being clear about some of this stuff will make life easier for you.

 

You do that to protect your heart, but also to actually recognize and identify a good match for you, whether you are looking for a simple friendship or something more.

 

I have one certain physical attribute that I absolutely must have in a mate. I did achieve that in my marriage. I never discussed the qualities in a good mate, much less my so-called "ideal" mate -- the one you're supposed to marry (which I did). I mean I never discussed this with my friends, or my parents either. It was kind of like, well, the guy likes me, so thereforeeee he must be the right kind of guy for me. Huh? This makes no sense.

 

And wouldn't it have been smart for me to compare my "ideal" qualities with my husband, prior to marriage? I know there is some type of pre-marriage counseling weekend thing that probably walks you through this, but at that stage of the game, the decision's been made. I just mean, if only I'd had the self-confidence (self-worth?) to casually ask him what was important to him. I don't believe he ever thought about it either. Turns out he wanted someone a whole lot like Mom! Whad'ya know about that?

[Lunabelle]

If I was with a women who really valued me for me and valued herself more perhaps I would feel myself more valued.

 

Yes, this is true. It is so easy to take people for granted. I've found that it's important that I feel respected.

 

Having said that, I also think it's so easy to label something "love" when it's really just fear of being alone.

[meaningsearcher]

Hey Lunabelle I've taken your advice to heart and have retreated from my current relationship that I feel is going down a poor path. I'm going to try really hard to be true to myself from now on

[Lunabelle]

Good for you!

Good Luck!