My best friend???

[guapa]

So this is a long story, so please bear with me here.

 

My b/f and I broke up in June of 2003, our relationship had got real rocky, arguments like every day. We'd moved cross country together and lived together for most of our 14 month old relationship before we'd broken up. It was really hard, we were codependent, and before we broke up I'd been seeing a therapist about my depression and feelings of suicide, that were in all honesty a bit manipulative, as they came from a fear of losing him. But anyways, it was hard because I had no other friends besides him and my family is all fallen apart.

 

So I returned to the west coast, subsequently he visited me about 6 months later, a year ago. He didn't call any of his other friends besides me. We had a good time, slept in the same bed and cuddled, leaned on each other but didn't do anything. We were friends with maybe some extra feelings there. He had a girlfriend, but they had an open relationship, she still got jealous of me though and threatened to break up with him over it. They patched things up when he returned, we subsequently talked on the phone pretty regularly. I started dating someone pretty soon after and he was abusive. The abusive relationship lasted 6 months.

My ex boyfriend was really supportive during the breakup and I don't know what I could have done without it.

 

After the break up with the abusive boy my ex/bestfriend stopped calling me and seemed kind of distant, his girlfriend kept looking at my profile on friendster and I attempted to be friends with her but she got all weird about it, so I didn't try anymore. I helped his brother with a presentation he did here for a nonprofit I had helped him start, and my ex/bestfriend said he wasn't coming to see it, I was o.k. with that. He didn't tell me he was coming to california and when I called him on christmas, he told me he was visiting his parents. i said,hey, cool, i have wednesday off, i could drive down and visit. his parents live 1.5-2 hours away.

he said, yeah that could work, but then yesterday he called to say he had plans with his folks and i shouldn't come. i said, o.k., he said are you upset, i said no, that i had to go. he was like you are upset, huh. i said, i have to go and hung up. he called me a couple of hours later and said he talked to his folks and i should come. i said i didn't want to, i made plans to hang out with my friend instead. he said o.k., was i upset? i said i didn't have anything to say about it, really, he wanted to talk today. so we did, for like two hours or something. he said that he didn't make plans to see anyone, was surprised for me to offer to visit and just said yes even though he wasn't sure cause he was here to see his family. i said, well, it's just clear to me we see things differently cause i was willing to drive two hours each way to visit, just to have lunch with you and you didn't want to even make the effort to find a way for us to hang out for even a little bit.

 

he said that i'm overwhelming because i talk too much (my brother was in a cult and i was trying to tell him what was going on) and that i didn't make room for him. i apologized, but then the second part of what he said bothered me. he said that i am overwhelming because i emailed him (ONE time!) asking him why he didn't call me and why was it we didn't seem that good of friends. he said that i am overwhelming cause when we talk i ask him why he seems distant. i was like, it bothered me, i don't understand why i can't say what i feel like.

 

I don't get it, I was just trying to see what was wrong. turns out he thought i still had feelings for him or some other dumb thing. i was like, heck no i don't. But I was like, i don't have anything else to say, it doesn't make any sense to me. i feel like ](*,) I'm hitting my head against a wall...

 

i mean, another thing that bothered me was that even though we'd made plans for me to visit he didn't tell his folks i was coming so his parents brought up plans to go some where so then he cancelled on me. i was like, why couldn't you just tell them that i was coming? you're a grown man! he said i was being critical for saying that. but i was saying the truth, don't you think? or maybe there is something i don't know? i know i'm intense, but i'm just saying the truth!

[honeyspur]

Hey there - interesting story. Sounds like you are having real personality clashes with this guy. I think he is trying to tell you how he feels, but is scared to be completely real? Does that make sense?

He sounds like he is put off by you and doesn't know how to give you ideas on how he wants you to communicate with him.

 

I see your frustration because he's sending mixed messages and you're just being like "Hey, I'm just trying to get to know you - don't freak out."

On some level this guy is easily intimidated and can't be clear. He's probably like this with a lot of people, not just you.

 

If you are sensing that you said things he didn't like, you can just be really upfront and say, "I'm not sure how to make you comfortable with me - maybe we should talk more about what bothers you."

If you treat edgey people with care and concern, they tend to warm up.

Feel free to msg me if you want to talk more about other stuff (like your family, that sounds like a lot to go through)

 

Good luck