Boyfriend has lingering "old" girlfriend

[artblue]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. Before me he was seeing a woman for three years who was/is very cruel to him. However he keeps trying to remain friends with her. I don't see any logic in the matter except that he must still love her. I feel like a fool for letting him go on trying to smooth things over with her because she is obviously doing this to get attention from him. He tells me that he can't just dump her in the trash because she has been diagnosed bi-polar and he sees her as very weak and needy. By the way, he won't tell her he is seeing me because as he says "she is not ready to know". Now that I type this it all seems so stupid of me to tolerate. I guess what I want from you is to tell me I am not alone. I am an intellegent woman with two degrees. I feel silly for being in this situation.

[Katelyn55655]

Of course you aren't dumb. I have one degree and I'm pretty dang smart. But most of us aren't smart when it comes to love and lust because our hormones and sex drives interfere with our reasoning... Agree?!

 

He still loves her and/or is ambivalent about his relationship with you. You are NOT ALONE!! Don't kid yourself about that. There is a website for women who have been/are in abusive relationships (yours has the earmarks) and it might be a real eye-opener for you. It's link removed. Check it out and let me know what you think. Rhonda has a wonderful book you'd enjoy reading called "Don't Call That Man!"

 

You aren't alone and you know what you need to do. You can do it now or you can do it later....do it now and you'll have an easier time repairing your self esteem.

[crystalkylin]

Of course you're not alone and dumb. If he doesn't know how to appreciate you, then you should get one that does. But before you get so far , ask yourself if you still want him. If you do and he still treats you well then you should start taking over rather than sitting like a fool. Take over. Set boundaries for your bf. Make sure he understands what you are going through. Tell him that this must not go on.If it does you give him a punishment which is his weakness. And everytime he makes an effort to stay in the boundaries, give him a treat like dinner or something. Don't be so harsh on yourself. You'll be fine.Loosen up. You can private msg me if you like.

[SwingFox]

Hi artblue,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that you don't feel very comfortable in your relationship. I understand that your b/f is still 'working' with his ex.

 

Two college degrees and the path of love are two different things, unless one of those degrees is about love (as in you being a love doctor ... *grins*). Along in your life you will learn and get experience in love and loving someone. I agree with Katelyn.

 

Crystal is being very right in how she said that it might be a good idea to set boundaries in your relationship. Think what you really expect out of your relationship and what your needs are. Think of what you find acceptable and then what you find totally unacceptable. If you see things in your boyfriend that you find unacceptable, the best way to work on that is to have a heartfelt talk about it with your boyfriend. See how far he could meet you in your needs and listen to his points of view. Then determine where you would want to compromize.

 

If anything fails and you still feel uncomfortable in your relationship, you might need to draw some painful conclusions. May be finding someone else that meets your needs and greets better and matches you better would be a solution.

 

I hope that this helped you and I wish you good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[artblue]

Just want to say I am so happy to have received so much good advice so fast! You all are so kind. I have been letting this issue stir in my mind for a month now and it is time for me to set limits. I anticipate he will try to talk me into being a more compassionate person especially because of his ex's mental condition. However, I am ready to stand guard over my own needs and what I am willing to tolerate. Until now I have been seeing only that I must be selfish to want him to break ties with her when she is so needy. When I look at it from the point of view that I must maintain my boundaries then I do not mistakenly place blame on myself for his actions or her needs. He is in Italy now where she lives trying to "transition their relationship into a friendship". I will be joining him in August when he is in Austria. He should get my email tomorrow, where I tell him my needs and limits. I will keep you updated.

[artblue]

It was not pretty. He says I am taking away his freedom to express his feelings. Things with her have gone bad and they are not friends right now. He can not handle me being angry too. He said he wants to be alone and with out the pain of angry women. He also said he would not call me today as he had planned to do. I am heartbroken. He is so selfish. I do not know if this means we are finished. I guess I am just going to have to wait until I get to Austria to talk to him. Three more painful weeks.

[crystalkylin]

I'm so sorry to hear that. But that might mean some good too bcos u have time 2 relax and loosen urself up. During this period of time, don't push yourself too much. Have a nice time.

[artblue]

The update is that he has not called for two days now, and no emails either. I am still sad and frustrated because I would like to discuss the situation with him. But he must need the time to think. It drives me nuts. Maybe he will call tomorrow- which would be bad timing because I have to work all day! Oh well... I did call a friend to come over and keep me company last night she and I ordered pizza and talked about all kinds of things including him. She thinks he won't drop this ex. I guess I will have to see. In September he will be finished in Europe and will return to Texas. I guess that will be the time to decide.

[artblue]

He called and we talked about everything. He apologized for not being more sensitive to my feelings. He is very lonely there and is excited I will be coming to see him in three weeks. I feel so much better now. Thanks for yor support!

[crystalkylin]

Hi again. Sorry that I haven't been replying but I've been busy. But I'm very happy for you! You've got your man! So good luck for things to come!