Dealing with the hurt and lies

[feelingblue]

For those of you familiar with my story I posted last week about my husband kissing another woman while at a Bachelor Party in Las Vegas. To summarize briefly, he secretly kept in touch for a week after he was back and I only found out through checking his email. He told me about the kiss but didn't mention the emails and 2 phone calls.

 

Anyway, this is where I am now....we have been to couples therapy for the past 2 weeks (this happened 3 weeks ago) and it's getting better. Of course the fact that they only kissed is a relief and much better then them having a sexual relationship but I am still very bitter.

 

I keep bringing it up in snide remarks and rude comments. I don't think I will ever forget this, and even forgiving is very hard. I am soo pissed off that he could get that drunk and high and kiss some girl and then proceed to be in touch. He now knows it's wrong and he ended contact the day I found out and I believe him --he has nothing to gain by being in touch she lives in Canada and he just was looking for some attention.

 

I need advice on how to move on. I have good days and bad days but every day I think about her and what she did to me --of course he was a part of it but it's so much easier to blame the skank. He claims she was interesting and a made him feel special (we had some intimacy issues before he left for the trip, the typical being together for 6 years and it got boring) but I never dreamed of actually being with someone else.

 

I just need to know it gets better and she and he won't be the first images I see when I wake up or the last before I go to sleep. He is getting really mad that I won't let it go, he wants us to move on and be stronger then ever. I know it was fun getting attention from someone new, etc. but eventhough he has forgotten about her I haven't.

 

I can't bare to hear him talk about his trip--nobody knows what happeened so whenever he talks about Vegas or someone asks, I want to faint. I can't even hear the words without my blood boiling.

[jna35]

I'm sorry for what you are going through and your feelings are perfectly normal. I have been there before, so I know those feelings all too well. My best advice to you would be to stick with the counseling and work on letting it go and what got you both to this point. Keep the lines of communcation opened. Concentrate on your marriage. Yes, it happened and yes, it hurt, but until you stop throwing it in his face, you won't be able to move past it. Realize that it is not going to happen overnight. For me, it took a loooong time, but I finally realized that he didn't deserve to be punished forever for his indescretion and that he loved me, not her. When I was finally able to forgive him and her, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and our marriage was made stronger. Good luck to you and if you need to talk please feel free to pm me.

[feelingblue]

Thanks for your response. I am not sure if you read my other posts and are familiar with my saga but there was a lot of stuff going on the week he was back. I don't feel like I can't trust him in the future bc I know he has learned his lesson --life has not been easy for him the past 3 weeks if you know what I mean. However, I can't forgive or forget what he did while in Vegas. I am furious he let it happen, I don't care how drunk he was, we have all been that drunk and didn't commit adultery (although he doesn't even call it that, he calls it a drunken kiss). I am angry he even kept in touch --what a moron, right!! I mean what the heck was he going to get out of it but a stupid thrill and attnetion --lord knows the sh*** hit the fan when I found out and he is definitely sorry he let it escalate. I need to let it go but I analyze the whole thing to death, and I want to know every detail of the 10 days he was in sin (from the time he met her, kissed her, hung out the next night and just walked around the casino, the 2 phone calls once back home and the string of emails). I just want him to feel what I am feeling and unless I do it back to him he never will know the pain and the hurt I have and the questions I need aNSWERED.

[jna35]

No, I hadn't read any of your previous posts, but I do understand what you're going through because I went through basically the same thing about 13 years ago except there was no alcohol involved in my situation. We also had existing issues that led up to his affair. It's normal to want to know all the details, but not necessarily in your best interest. Do you REALLY want to picture everything in more detail than you already do? Mine kept in touch too and that hurt VERY deeply, but remember that he is with you now and she is in Canada, right? Does he want to work on the marriage? More importantly, do you? I would definitely recommend against an affair for revenge. What purpose would that serve except to put your marriage in more jeopardy and cause everyone more pain, including you. It will get better with time. Has he apologized to you? Is he trying to help you get past this? The trust can be rebuilt with time, but it's a slow process and you have to be open to it. It's easier to hold onto anger than it is to let it go. This situation is still really fresh for you, so it's normal for you still be angry. I would be too and you have every right to be. But until you are able to release that anger, it will continue to eat you alive. I would keep going to counseling and even maybe one on one, just for you to help you get a handle on your feelings. Things can get better, but both parties have to want it bad enough. I really hope that things work out for you.

[feelingblue]

yes, it really stinks!! He claims the first night he was there they all hung out at a club (she was at a bachelorette party) afterwards they all went back to the guys suite and everyone hung out, little by little people left to gamble, go to sleep and it was just the 2 of them. He did tell me all the details after I begged. It was like 4 or 5 am and they were both wasted (he was incoherent) and he said at the time (not that he can even recall now since he was so drunk) that they had a good conversation. I guess one thing led to another and they started to kiss, he said the whole thing from start to finish from being alone to kissing to walking her to the elevator couldn't have lasted more then 15 minutes. The dumb skank asked for his number, god knows why and he gave it to her. He said he felt like crap soo guilty for what he did but yet he still gave her his number. She called him the next night 3 times in a row (I check his cell after this all went down and he doesn't know how to delete calls missed, dialed or incoming). After the bachlor party the next night he called her back and that's when they just walked around the casino, wasted again but just talking. He talked about me a lot (inferred) about our issues, etc. We didn't have major problems but the usual bickering, arguments, lack of sex , normal in a long term relationship). He said she called him the next day and he called her back from the airport and they spoke again 2 days after he was back. They did have a string of emails, causal friendship (this is what I did this weekend type thing) although borderline flirting.

 

He claims I was so horrible to him after he told me and that's why he kept in touch, he needed the support and kind words since he was ashamed to tell any friends or family (he never mentioned the calls or details, just a drunken kiss) I assumed she was a random he met at a bar, I didn't know he was bonding with her and talking about my marriage and keeping in touch. This is why I am so angry and betrayed. He only told me after I checked his emaiul account and saw random name in his address book. I checked it the next day and she emailed hinm (with the string of their responses attached).

[jna35]

Yeah, it sounds all too familiar, but you are going to have to let it go or risk losing your husband. I know you are hurting and heck yeah, I'd be p.o.'d too. Granted he shouldn't have kept in touch and he was waaaaaay out of line and did some hurtful things, but the question remains, do you want to work it out with him? I guess what I trying to say is that at some point you are going to have to make a conscious decision to either let it go or remain angry with him.

[feelingblue]

YES, i want it to work but it's still so new. I made this up to send to him b/c I need answers....

 

ORDER OF EVENTS:

 

Thursday:

met at a black jack table in a group

 

Friday:

ran into each other at a club in a group setting

Afterwards a group went back to his suite and everyone hung out, little by little people left to gamble, go to sleep and it was just the 2 of them. --Must have been about 4 am

One thing led to another and they started to kiss, he said the whole thing from start to finish from being alone to kissing to walking her to the elevator lasted no more then 15 minutes.

The dumb skank asked for his number, god knows why and he gave it to her

Saturday:

She called him the next night 3 times in a row

After the bachlor party the next night he called her back and that's when they just walked around the casino, wasted again but just talking, according to him

He talked about me and about our issues, etc. (made our marrige sound like their were problems)

Monday:

He called her from the airport --again god knows why, too bad her plane didn't crash

Tuesday

emails --how many

Wednesday

last phone conversation

 

Sunday

final email before he got caught --CLAIMS CONTACT IS OVER

HOWEVER WHY DID ANY OF THE ABOVE EVEN OCCUR!!

[Hope75]

I know that you are really angry but you are placing way too much blame on this girl and not enough on your husband. The minute she found out he was married yes, she should have stepped off, but your husband kissed her (back?) and gave her his number. He had the obligation to you and to honour his marriage vows and he did not. She is to blame as well, but he is just as much.

 

However, throwing it in his face is not going to help either of you heal and get past this. If you have made the choice to stay with him, you are going to have to forgive him and try to let him earn your trust back, or your anger will poison the marriage.

 

If you can't let it go and allow him to try and show his remorse and desire to make this marriage work, than maybe you two need to separate.

 

I would be upset too, but it's a choice, you forgive him and you both try to get past it together, or you decide it's not forgiveable and you move on separately. It's not healthy and it's not healing to keep throwing it in his face. It keeps it fresh and alive for you and it shows him that you aren't ready to try and save the marriage either.

[jna35]

Well, you've taken the first step by admiting that you want it to work, so that's a good thing. The hard part is moving on from the pain and betrayal. I don't know why he continues with contact, he may not even be able to give you a decent answer to that. The more you harp on it, the harder it's going to be on you and I am not saying that to discredit your feelings. What I mean is, what good is becoming of you reliving this horrible experience over and over in your head? I know it's hard to stop the playing and replaying of the whole ordeal, but try to replace it with a positive healthy thought, whatever that may be. Don't let yourself go there. I had to literally say out loud, "NO, I am not going to do this!" every time I began to bring it up or replay it in my mind. Give yourself some time though. You have a lot to process and like I said it's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. It was several months for me, but everyone is different, so you may be able to move on tomorrow, next week, or it may be several months from now. I would sit down and talk to him about how it all has made you feel and let him "own" his stuff and take responsibilty for his part in all of this. Figure out what got you guys to this point. It was probably a cumulation of things. Stick with the counseling and don't beat yourself up because this was something he did and it's not your fault.