HE says I am insecure and jelous

[dustinthewind]

hi guys.

 

I love my boyfriend. But this last week has been rough. There has been conflict after conflict...we finally had a big fight last nite and then later on tryed to work it out. I dont really need to get into the details, because what he said is true. He went out with a girl friend and I freaked out for the soul reason that I have not met this person yet (we have been together for 8 months). Because he has decliened to introduce us, i have this bad feeling about her. We talked and worked this out, and I agree that i acted stupidly and was wrong in being jelous. I should have told him to have a good time rather then making a big stink.

 

ANyways, my question. It came out that he views me as jelous and very insecure (about everything, him with girls, our relationship, he thinks I lwasy think that we are going to break up) and I immiediatly jumped on the defensive. Who would want to be with someone who they view this way? I dont want to be this person. But I know that it is true. I am insecure. I supose it probably has something to do with my dad leaving my family when I was 16....or my ex boyfriend cheating on me. But i am really insecure. I hate it. I hate thinking all these bad things are going to happen. I want to be happy....

 

HOW CAN SOMEONE STOP BEING INSECURE? how can I feel like I deserve to be with this wonderful guy? and BELIEVE that this realtionship is special and will last. I think that once I find out how this can happen....then all of our troubles will go away. I dont want to be this insecure, meek jelous person anymore. I dont like myself this way.

 

Please help. Thank you

[socalguy123]

i am an insecure person by nature as well. there's plenty of reasons why i should not be insecure, but that doesn't stop my natural proclivity. when i meet girls that i am attracted to, my friends (men and women) both say i aim too low.

 

 

 

i think there are many ways to get over your insecurities. one of the most important things you'll have to recognize is that it doesn't happen overnight. matter of fact, insecurity is sorta like people who have a weight problem, you have to tackle it daily, and it takes time, and you have to be consistent.

 

you have issues of your own that you have to work out. with a good partner, or some kind of mentor/therapist, you should be able to learn your negative behaviors, your pitfalls, and your triggers. and you have to make adult decisions, and be consistent and comitted about things that you do. meaning, for example, if you hate the fact that you are lousy at keeping your place (apartment, room, house, whatever) clean, you have to daily do something about it, so it's one less thing to eat away at your attention.

 

over time, when you have improved some of those behaviors, your confidence will build up.

 

i don't know if this is the full answer to your question. but this is my approach towards recovery, after having broken up with a 10 month relationship. i want to come out stronger than i've ever been in the past. although i could start dating women now, as i am over that ex, i want to have a lot to offer, and FEEL like it. (i kind of already have a lot to offer i just happen to be a little too humble/self-conscious about it).

 

by the way, i've just realized i always end with saying "good luck!". i already know, true recovery has NOTHING to do with luck!

 

Cheers!

[DragonGirl724]

hey girl,

 

check out this post it sounds quite similar to yours:

 

(my advice on there turned her around, maybe it could help shed some light on yours as well.)

 

link removed

 

check it out i wish you all the best.

keep posting, lemme know what you think.

 

but may i just add, that sometimes a woman's gut instinct knows more than just whats on the surface. its a phenomenon since the cave people hehehe i felt the way you had towards the end of my last relationship, and so many fights started over it. and we broke up, but i dont know if the fighting caused our breakup or the fact that my gut instinct that we were going to break up was actually pretty on point. sometimes we feel someone drifting away and we tend to pull them even closer. we feel threatened by the shift in attention. and we become clingy and more insecure about ourselves and our relationship. but to have a more understanding successful relationship, one must just come to terms with letting the person do as he/she wishes and see what comes of it...(if there is no reason prior to have a lack-of-trust issue). TALK with him, dont ARGUE. once you say stuff like 'when when you do this it pisses me off...' etc.. say something like:

 

"you know i love you with all my heart, but sometimes i feel insecure about our relationship, i cant explain why, but please this seems to be a plaguing issue and i hate fighting. i love you and i think we should nip this in the bud now before it gets any worse. because SOMETHING is making me feel this way, and you & i are a team, lets work together and talk this over and fix this because it effects us both."

 

listen to your heart, but think with your head. you know your boyfriend more than any of us do. you'll do the right thing.

 

-DG724

[lifeiscash]

I think the biggest way to get over your insecurity is to get over your fear. In this case, your fear is losing this guy. What would you do without this guy? How would your life be?

 

Understand that its only a fear. YOU are not the fear. The fear is just some aspect that you attained somewhere in your life. The fear is basically trying to control YOU and your behaviours. You recognized this fear and know you want it to go away. So how do you get this fear to go away? Thought you would never ask....

 

Embrace your fear, Accept your fear, Understand your fear. The more you know about your fear... the better. Accept the fact that you might lose him one day, accpet the fact that he might not marry this guy, accept the fact that one day he might even cheat on you. Don't let your fear control you, recognize your fear and accept it.

 

Honeslty, say that the two of you broke up and you were left on your own. What would you do? You would move on, of course. And you will be just fine. The first time you rode your bicycle you fell off and skinned your knees. You didn't want to get on that d*** bike but you did it anyway.. and you know what.. I bet you fell again too. But eventually you became a pro at riding that bike and you were happy to show off your skills. I point this out because you have to battle through your fears (which lead to insecurity), there is no easy way to get around it. If he breaks up with you, you know you will be just fine, you will move on and love again just like you had done with him. You will pick yourself up in time and carry on with your life just like you had done before by getting back on that bicycle of yours. When you realize that you will be okay without this realitionship then I believe that fear will go away. But that is up to you.

 

Just understand the fear isnt you, understand that you can control that fear, and accept the worse and embrace it.

[DragonGirl724]

I supose it probably has something to do with my dad leaving my family when I was 16....or my ex boyfriend cheating on me. But i am really insecure. I hate it. I hate thinking all these bad things are going to happen. I want to be happy....

 

HOW CAN SOMEONE STOP BEING INSECURE? how can I feel like I deserve to be with this wonderful guy? and BELIEVE that this realtionship is special and will last. I think that once I find out how this can happen....then all of our troubles will go away. I dont want to be this insecure, meek jelous person anymore. I dont like myself this way.

 

Please help. Thank you

 

i understand you may be uneasy about him hangin w/ this girl due to your cheating EX but this is very important: DONT CATEGORIZE YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH YOUR CHEATING EX OR YOUR FATHER. DONT COMPARE PEOPLE, COMPARE SITUATIONS!

 

flip the script for a minute: would it be fair if HE categorized YOU with a cheating ex of his?

 

i know this insecurity bothers you, but it happens all the time to a lot of people. but its just HOW you deal with it that will differenciate the outcome.

 

stay cool and talk this over like calm, level headed adults without ANY interruptions. and as soon as someone starts to raise their voice; say calmly "please lets talk, not yell."

 

and if one starts to interrupt the other and cut them off mid sentence just politlely say: "please, can i finish....?"

 

because ironically enough the louder you make yourself, the less they seem to hear.

 

take care,

-DG724

[hurtwou]

my boyfriend broke up with me cuz we thought he was gettin locked up, but hes not.....he wont get back with me cuz im jealous and obsessive, I always call him, and I want to know where he is at all times, and I cant help it, so many guys hurt me how could I just up and trust him........

[OverParanoid]

I can relate and agree with everyone on this topic. I was probably the biggest jealous person that anyone could ever know.. My past relationship was a real mess, emotionally and phsycially, he cheated on me, made me feel like i was nothing, and lied to me in every form known to man.. When I got married a few years later to a wonderful man I had met after the break up..History repeated its self, the first year of marriage was nothing but bad fights and shouting matches.

Everything That I was accusing him of was all in my head, but because of what happened to me in the past, there was no way I could trust and believe everything that came out of my husbands mouth.. Eventually it got so bad we were heading down to divorce row.. I had to train myself to stop comparing a past relationship to the current one. I also had to make sure I wasnt a over bearing wife with 20 million questions and suspicions..It didnt happen overnight , in fact it took me 2 1/2 years to actually get over it all..Of course no one can completely get over it, but having faith in your man and in your relationship can make u see things in a whole different perspective..good luck to you both...