Damned if I do and damned if I don't...

[carlogiovanni]

Hi. I've posted some advice on these forums a couple of times, but I have a problem to bring myself now, wonder if anyone can suggest what I could do.

 

What should I do?

[tabytha]

Don't see him.

 

You'll miss his company for a while, but that will pass. He used three ppl, inc yourself.

 

Would you sacrifice a friend thats true (Sarah) for someone thats hurt you? He may be entertaining and stimulating, but there are more important things.

[PhoenixInATL]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I can understand. I was in an on-again off-again relationship for six years with someone I loved very much. I kept getting sucked in and spit out. Eventually I went to talk to a counselor about why I would allow someone to treat me this way, and it really helped. I know you just want to meet up with him and not get back together. But I've been down that path too, but when you still have a soft spot for them and you meet up with them as friends, have a fun time, yada yada, there are three likely outcomes:

 

a) they want you back and you get sucked back into something that is clearly unhealthy

 

b) they don't want you back but it dredges up everything and undoes the healing you've gained so far

 

c) they want you back and you have to struggle with yourself and walk away

 

Either way, until the soft spot is gone, it only makes it harder on yourself. I've experienced a, b and c with that same person. I've found that my best experience for myself has been

 

d) don't do it...

 

Despite what he may say, it's unlikely that he's changed (I've learned this the hard way...), and you're only going to put yourself through grief and spoil the happiness you've found without him.

 

And consider what he's said:

 

very upset that I've just turned my back on my friendship/relationship on him and Sam

 

that I was never really their friend in the first place

 

that I always assume the worst

 

he's not all about sex

 

that he wants to make is better

 

that he's just a closed person

 

he doesn't talk to anyone really about what he's feeling

 

I shouldn't assume that everyone thinks like I do

 

Spending a few hours with someone who is thinking like he is could be better spent. Based upon what he's already expressed in these emails, you'll never get validation from him. It sounds to me like although I'm sure he does realize that he lost a good person in his life, it's about him resolving his own feelings about what he did to cause that, and having you back in his life even as just a friend will release him from those feelings.

 

You know, deciding not to see him now doesn't mean you can't see him in the future when your head and heart are clearer. Either tell him that directly, that you're in a happier place right now than you were then, and that you'd like it to stay that way. Seeing him will only stir up old ghosts, and if he does care about you, even as only a friend, he should respect that. Or just tell him you're busy right now getting yourself on track, which is also the truth, and leave it like that. If he asks what you mean, just say you don't feel like getting into it.

 

By letting him know you can't see him right now (for whichever reason you choose), you are getting the biggest validation ever--SELF-validation. Validation that says this person has put me through the ringer before, he'll probably do it again if I let him, and if I don't let him I'll still be ripping the scab off of my healing heart if I go see him. So I won't, at least for now.

 

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Let me know how it turns out.

[Cadence308]

Hi, I think it's best for your mental and emotional health that you not meet up with Sean. He's hurt you too many times. He really needs to get some counseling. He is all about himself. You are finally getting your life together and it would be stupid to screw it up for him.

 

It takes time to get over someone. We all have to get hurt sometimes. You are doing the right thing by getting a job and going back to school. Those are positive distractions from your pain and disappointments.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens and what you decide!

[carlogiovanni]

Thanks for the advice everybody. Many thanks to Phoenix for spending so long on an excellent reply.

 

I have decided not to see Sean in the foreseeable future. I was just having a bad couple of days, but the contact from him started to turn nasty because I wasn't doing what he wanted, and that has only cemented my decisions.

 

Thanks again everybody. My problem was that I wanted some sort of acknowledgement for all the wrong doings done against me. I wanted some sort of justice...

 

But I'm thinking clearly now. My self validation is reward enough!

[PhoenixInATL]

Hi!

 

I'm glad to hear that you've decided to not go see him at this time. Given the history, it sounds like the most healthy thing to do. And I'm glad to see that he has helped cement that decision.

 

Be prepared if he reacts to it though. In my situation, when it was clear to him that I shut him out for good, he got a job where I work. They run and run until they're not chased, then they panic. He begged like I'd never heard before, so I let him back, and within days he ran again.

 

And he's since tried to come back...but I've learned my lesson, finally...phew! Doesn't mean I don't still care about him, but I know I'm better off without him.

 

I don't know if that will happen or not in your situation, but if he does beg back, know that he hasn't changed. He's just panicking and you're better off without him, as history has shown again and again. You're doing so much better now!! Why spoil it? I'm proud of the strength you have shown for yourself!

 

Good job!!!

[PhoenixInATL]

PS - About validation, I totally know what you mean. You want to hear it. That someone knew you were there for them and they selfishly took it for granted and took advantage of it.

 

BUT...you actually DID get validation from him...consider this...

 

Clearly, for whatever reason at this point in his life, he's self-absorbed and in "taking mode".

 

And that's what he did, although he's also aware that it's not right.

 

Obviously, he thinks you're a good, worthwhile person or he wouldn't have put the effort into contacting you, and then being upset that you weren't following the program.

 

His efforts still were in a self-absorbed way, that he knows you're a good person who he did wrong to, and so he wants to make it better to resolve his own guilt.

 

Here's your validation from him:

 

1) Clearly he thinks you're a worthwhile person. People are a dime a dozen, but he chose to put this effort into you.

 

2) He knows he did wrong by you. Even if it's not a soul-searching apology like you had wished, it's at least driven by guilt that he KNOWS he did wrong by you. And by getting you back in his life in a forgiving way he can forgive himself. Twisted as it is, he KNOWS he did wrong, and thereforeeee you can take that as an admission that he is aware that he should've treated you better.

 

And better yet, on top of it you have validation from YOU! Not only do you have this "body language" validation from him, but you said, "Thanks but no thanks! You've had your chance (over and over again) and now I think it's time I make myself a priority."

 

You GOT your validation, maybe not verbally, but by his actions. And actions always speak louder than words. So really, you got the best validation from him of all. AND you got validation from yourself. You GO!!!