Bad decision after bad decision...

[emma34]

Two months had passed since I broke up with my boyfriend...everything seemed to be going fairly smoothly, although I knew that he was still falling apart inside - he was completely heartbroken. This past weeked I called him to talk, as we have called eachother a few times just to see how we are doing...but everytime it seems he is begging me to do something with him, thereforeeee I am usually very distant.

But anyway this weekend I was vulnerable and weak, and lonlely, and I called him to see if he wanted to go for a drink. He was busy, but instead he asked if he could come over the next day for a movie, and I obliged. In the back of my mind I thought, 'maybe we should get back tgether...i'm in a lot of pain for no reasn'. But the fact that I knew it would be toying with his emotions to get too close to him held me back. The last thing I want is to hurt him again. He took me out on a beautiful date, and we were having a drink, talking, when we started discussing our questionable future... I told him how I was confused and that I couldn't make the decision to come back, although it would be the easiest.

 

I felt awful because here he was taking me out, when i am continuing to turn him down. He was my ride home, so when he got upset and walked out of the lounge, I followed. He was extremely emotional, but after explaining mself for 10 minutes, I suddenly had an emotional breakdown. I had held it all in, because everyone expected I should be content without him, since I was the one that broke up with him, but it was never my intent, and he was the one who broke my heart by lieing over and over to me. He conforted me, which made things worse because, I was experiencing overwhelming guilt. I tried my best to explain my thoughts, but he was so focused on having me back, he did not even try to attempt to understand.

 

So in the end, I took him back, and he was ecstatic. I knew the second I did it, that it was the wrong choice, but it made him so happy.

 

The next day I was totally depressed and decided i had to do something about it, so I talked to my counsellor and eventually decided I should write him a letter - because the emotion between us becomes too high when we talk face to face. I explained how I had been impulsive, etc.

 

I just don't understand why he won't at least TRY to understand why we can't be together. He is so focused on havig me back, and he won't leave me alone. I realize that I made a huge mistake by taking him back because of guilt, but we both need to move on...the thing is, he's so convinced that I am just 'going thru smething right now' and will eventually come back to him. I have valid reasons. Why won't he understand? What can I do to help him?

[hockeyboy]

you dont want to be with him ever or just right now?

 

why dont you want to be with him?

[emma34]

I don't want to be with him ever. There are many reasons...1) he is a pathological liar 2) I am moving away to school, and becoming successful where he has been living with his parents and working in some 'plant' for the last three years...not very ambitious vs. me very ambitious. 3) Drugs/Alcohol problem

Plus various other reasons..

[hockeyboy]

haha..we're responding to eachothers posts...good system

 

don't want to be with him ever. There are many reasons...1) he is a pathological liar 2) I am moving away to school, and becoming successful where he has been living with his parents and working in some 'plant' for the last three years...not very ambitious vs. me very ambitious. 3) Drugs/Alcohol problem

Plus various other reasons..

 

ok, those are all very good reasons i'd say.

 

so as of right now did he get that letter? your broken up again or just planning on it?

[emma34]

Yes he has got the letter and we are officially broken up.

p.s. agreed - good system.

[hockeyboy]

and he still thinks your "going through something right now"?

 

i think you need to stop turning to him when you feel down or weak. he probably interprets that as you need/want him.

 

sometimes even being a little mean (without being to to mean) is needed as well. don't be so soft on him, i know you don't want to hurt him...however, in the long run being soft will probably hurt him more.

[Wimpy]

Hi Emma

 

Sorry to sound harsh but if you don't want to be with him and you wish he'd understand that - why on earth did you call him when you were feeling down? Is that really fair on him? If he's got problems like you state - which are all legitimate ones for not wanting to be with him - then surely it would have been fairer and more sensible to do NC and stick to it.

 

You've given him mixed messages and toyed with his emotions which simply isn't fair.

 

If you don't want to be with him - make that decision and stick to it.