turbulence

[Msi]

hello everyone, i'm facing a very rough period of my short life -21yr - 2014 started taking away from me all those things that were/are important in my life: a serious relationship in which i have put all of myself in, my flawless academic career, my serenity and self esteem.

 

- relationship: long story short, we were each other's mirror image (almost), same interests, hobbies, passions, we also sincerely liked each other and could accept our small flaws. as soon as her parents start to complain about me (racism toward my geographical origin: same country, but she's from the north and i'm from the south, here where i live it's a common form of racism in the northern part) it turns out that she was with me because no other boy ever asked her out and she grew insecure of her appeal to the other sex. basically, she cared for me, but for the idea of being in a relationship.

 

- career: both because of some mistakes in planning my college year and the break-up, I haven't been able to keep the pace with my schedule. now i'm about to start my 3rd and final year of university and yet have to take 4 exams from previous years (1 from 1st year, Maths, the subject I despise the most and 3 from my 2nd year). this means i won't be able to get my degree in time and will have to stay here another year.

 

serenity&self- esteem: the 2 factors above pushed my into a mind loop where i think of myself a worthless person. i'm an introvert, sensitive and shy individual, not socially awkward, but since i'm also picky i tend to meet and hang out with a very few people and essentially it's the same group of friends i find ok to hang out with. I often wonder "when i'll find another woman?" and tell me it will never happen, since i'm too weird (sensitive, curious, introvert, metalhead, intellectual, tender, prone to arts, sarcastically cyinic/ cynically sarcastic, don't follow any fashion, I wear anything from metalhead-ish attire to 80s fashioned clothing to every piece of clothing that I like. plus my insight makes me find most popular tv shows, movies and books shallow and dull). I'm also a very average-looking guy.

i'm feeling deeply guilty for the extra year i'll need to finish my studies (not completely, i mean to get a master and a PhD) and everytime someone compliments me I would just think "that's not true, i'm behind with my schedule", and I would apply it to every compliment not related strictly related to smartness or deep insight.

 

I've come back just yesterday in my apartment (I attend college in a different city) and found it a complete mess. I guess that's what was going on inside me during the first part of the year.

 

Now I need to move on and give a good direction to my existence, but the feelings of loneliness and guilt are distracting me and keeping me in a bad mood. I don't feel like doing anything and want just to wallow in self pity. I often think that nothing is worth doing, that irrespective of what I could accomplish I will never find love, and this must mean i'm defective in something. Also, people my age gets laid constantly, instead i'm an invisibile presence in the dating scene; i hate clubs and find idiotic to hit on random stranger girls too.

I feel that the way I am is preventing me from living my youth, but I've tried being "normal" like the others and really hated it, it was not "me". I can't understand whether i'm doing something wrong or the norm is plaguing my free will.

 

I do miss a caress.

 

 

I'm tidying up my apartment from end to end now, my guess is that a neat place is a good starting point. Thinking of starting again exercising and maybe taking a martial art class.

 

I'd love to hear whatever your opinion is, it would help a lot.

[roseNstars]

Wow! That's a lot to handle...but you are an amazing person I can tell. Despite everything that has happened you're making an attempt to pick yourself up again.

 

Everyone learns at a different pace! You shouldn't be hard on yourself because of your academic performance. What's the rush? It's never too late to start a career.

 

I'm like you in regards to being an introvert. Social events don't interest me nor do trends. Don't feel like there's something wrong with yourself just because you're not spending your youth like other people you see. Maybe you need to step back and spend more time with yourself, and love it! LOVE who you are. Self discovery will allow you to make decisions and judgements according to your integrity. Find out what makes you feel alive and embrace it! Who knows, maybe martial arts is the start of something new for you!

 

Remember there's a difference between being alone and lonely.

[Msi]

Don't feel like there's something wrong with yourself just because you're not spending your youth like other people you see

 

i don't know it looks like there's so much fun there, you know, I'm fine but they are feeling better so why am I not doing that thing to feel better too? that's what makes me think that i'm doing wrong.

 

 

also I've already wasted a year because I was interested in a different subject before taking my current academic course, I don't want to spend too many years on this. Most of people gets a 3 year degree in 3,5-4 years, but since i wasted a year it will take me 5 years to get a degree; I'm ashamed.

 

I also plan to move abroad becuase there's no work for my profession in my country, this means I'll need to wait until then to settle down. I don't want to spend my youthful years alone and my 30s looking for a job.

 

I don't recall now the difference between alone and lonely, but you see, I'm just a romantic person and I fondly think of the ide aof having a partner.