My g.f of 6 months hates having sex!? Is this normal?

[20MaleCanada]

My g/f plain out dislikes making love, and sexual touching or foreplay of any sort. SHE HAS NO APPARENT SEX DRIVE WHAT SO EVER!! Or is it me? We both love each other very much, but our sex life .. well theres not much of one. We have sex a half dozen times a month. When we have sex its really hard to enjoy cause it seems as thought she's only doing it as a favor for me, like she can't wait for it to be over. I've fingered my gf once in the 6 months we've been together, she hates the thought of my fingers being there; never in a million years would she let me go down on her, she thinks its gross. She once said she wished she was an old women so she would never have to have sex. She says the the mental and physical discomfort she has from having sex out weighs the sexual pleasure. She has to make deals with me so we can have sex, like i have to give her a massage or backscratch after just for us to do it. And it drives me nuts!! She has this power because I'm so sexually frusterated and she could easily go the rest of her life without it. What do I do!? Do you break up over something like this? Can you live a non-sexual healthy relationship?.. or would that be an oxymoron.

[tea]

donno.o_O Sorry. O_O

 

O_O

I can't begin to think what I'd be like without my sex drives...

[JoyieGracie]

Was she ever sexually abused?

That may have a lot to do with it.

 

Was she a virgin when you met?

Maybe she's not ready or doesn't feel sexually attracted toward you.

 

[CrazyBeautiful la]

Well fella,

You're chicks a weirdo.

 

But I still loves ya

You know who this is

[pip]

To be honest, it sounds like your relationship is not a healthy one that will last for very long. Of course no one should be pressured into having sex, but she obviously has some issues. As a woman, I understand what it's like to be reluctant to get involved in sex. But you say she seems to have no drive whatsoever. That's unusual, because normally, us girls will still get turned on/attracted/horny and want to do other things, even if we're reluctant or scared to have sex.

 

I'm not saying you should dump her or anything. But you need to work out why she doesn't want to. Who knows, may be something really terrible happened to her when she was younger (sexual assault, etc) so you need to be sensitive about it. May be she has some physical problem that she's embarrassed to talk about.

 

I think you should try and get it accross to her that you love her and care for her, and tell her that she can tell you anything. Tell her you want her to be happy and that you want to help her overcome any emotional or physical problems she might have. Tell her it's not just about the sex for you, but her happiness. Then, if you can work out why she has this problem, you should support her in fixing it. May be she needs to see a doctor or counsellor, I don't know.

 

Good luck, hope it works out

[20MaleCanada]

Was she ever sexually abused?

That may have a lot to do with it.

 

Was she a virgin when you met?

Maybe she's not ready or doesn't feel sexually attracted toward you.

 

 

She wasn't a virgin, but she hadn't had sex 6 months prior to have sex with me for the first time..some call that a born again virgin. When she was 16, her bf whom she was with for 6 months at the time.. coincidence? actually had her messed up on mesculine, and had sex with her without her concent. She was to drugged up to stop it. She then broke up with him thank god. I asked if the reason why sex is so discomforting for her and she said she didn't think that was why. She was with one other person before me and slept with him. She's almost 19 and I am the third person shes had sex with. She's never had a pap-test? Could there be a clinically related problem to her lack of drive to make love to me?

[tea]

sex drive is more a psychological problem instead of a physical problem.

[acadame]

Hey,

 

To be honest, I felt almost the same way towards my boyfriend although I'm not really sure why. It could have been a combination of reasons for me:

1. primarily, I wasn't very attracted to him physically (although emotionally, etc. I was, so shoudln't this override it? I don't know..)

2. I was shy about doing some things because he was my first boyfriend

3. I often didn't feel 'there' mentally. Like I just didn't feel in the mood a lot. I don't know why.

4. I'm pretty sure I have a chemical imbalance of some sort because I have trichotillomania, which is an obsessive-compulsive disorder. The cause of this is still unknown, although a chemical imbalance is the most probable reason. However, I've talked with many other people with this & none of them said it has affected their sex drive. So it's probably not this, although it may affect it.

5. I'm not a very sexual person personality-wise. I'm intelligent (not really reserved though) but not really talkative, boisterous, sexy, etc. I don't masterbate very often either..don't know if that's normal or not, my bf suggested it was abnormal.

 

But I just found that I didn't enjoy sexual foreplay either. We never had sex (I wasn't on the pill & he was leaving for another country soon so it wasn't worth the risk) but we've had oral sex, although I didn't enjoy giving it much. The way we did it wasn't very sexy though, I felt like it was almost mechanical..like 'oh I'm turned on now, so you haev to do it before it goes quick' sorta deal, and he would masturbate before sometimes or at the same time if he never felt hard enough..ugh, it wasn't very attractive.

 

Anyways, hope that helps you out..it could be a variety of reasons..

 

But for me I just hope it was the physical attraction. If the next guy comes along and I still have virtually no sex drive then I'll check it out with a doctor probably..I guess I should start looking for guys I'm more physically attracted to..and yet intellectually engaging, because intellect is what I look for most in a guy. It's hard to find that combination..besides in some grad students who are usually off-limits..

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

My ex was the same way. Honestly, I think this was part of the reason she left me. Anyway... I'm not sure what you can do. If she's willing to try to figure out the problem, do whatever it takes (within reason) to help her. I think pip has the right idea. You need to talk to her, let her know that you want this for her happiness.

[acadame]

Hope you don't mind me asking Lonely, but did your ex suggest any reasons why she didn't enjoy sex? Maybe that will help me (and the OP) out..I'm sorta curious why I hardly ever felt in the mood (there were some times & it was great, but those were rare.)

 

I think ultimately it was probably because I wasn't very attracted to him..and I just felt awkward about the way he went about it. I was his first girlfriend at 23 (I was 19) so maybe both of our inexperience combined to make it sorta less than satisfying..

[20MaleCanada]

Ever hear that song that goes, shes got a bf, that looks like a gf.

I wonder if im more of a friend/person to cudle with type of guy to her, and that maybe shes not sexually attracted to me. She doesn't like going out to the clubs with me but likes going out with her friends, actually spending more time getting ready than I've seen any single girl. Shes really attractive and she knows it. Does she just see me as a good guy to settle down with, cause I treat her so good. She once told me she wants me to be the father of her baby some day. She sees me as being a good father, and knows that she'll have security with me once I start working. Could this be the biggest part of her attraction to me?

[acadame]

holy crap, she's already thinking about settling down & security at 19?! (Or did I misread your post..) I'm not planning to do that until around 26 at least..after I'm done law school..but anyways, if that's what she wants then..maybe she does think of you more in that way. When I went out to a bar with my boyfriend (like once, we're not really big on the club/bar scene) one of his old schoolmates asked if we were brother/sister. He has a bit of a feminine look about him though..to be honest, I wasn't really sexually attracted to him so that could've been it. Ask her about it. My bf asked me outright if I found him attractive (and I lied and said yes) and he asked if I wanted him to lose weight or something, if that would help. But it's really hard to say 'yes, that would be nice' for a girl, because that makes you look shallow, and you don't really want that. I don't know..there's only so much you can do with that, you know? And what's inside is more important so..I think we were just incompatible in other ways as well.

 

Anyway, just ask her what's wrong, tell her you're unhappy with the way things are going..my bf did that anyways, and I tried to help him out.

[honeyways45]

a lot of times, when someone is on antidepressants, their sexual appetite will dramatically decrease.

if i'm way off, then it has to involve her being sexually abused. who doesnt enjoy all the fun parts of really good sex?

[JoyieGracie]

Was she ever sexually abused?

That may have a lot to do with it.

 

Was she a virgin when you met?

Maybe she's not ready or doesn't feel sexually attracted toward you.

 

 

She wasn't a virgin, but she hadn't had sex 6 months prior to have sex with me for the first time..some call that a born again virgin. When she was 16, her bf whom she was with for 6 months at the time.. coincidence? actually had her messed up on mesculine, and had sex with her without her concent. She was to drugged up to stop it. She then broke up with him thank god. I asked if the reason why sex is so discomforting for her and she said she didn't think that was why. She was with one other person before me and slept with him. She's almost 19 and I am the third person shes had sex with. She's never had a pap-test? Could there be a clinically related problem to her lack of drive to make love to me?

 

If she hasn't had a pap-smear, even if that has nothing to do with it, YES, women should have one if they are having sex.

 

If you are saying that she had no problem having sex with the guy before you, then the question is, is she sexually attracted to you?

 

However, I still believe it's possible that her basically being raped, might have something to do with it, even if she doesn't realize it, it may be a subconsious thing. Ask her if she would be willing to see a doctor and a professional who deals with such issues, like a pychologist.

[Zorya]

"I wonder if im more of a friend/person to cudle with type of guy to her, and that maybe shes not sexually attracted to me."

 

Or to anyone.

Just as some people experience attraction to their own gender, or to both genders, or to only the opposite gender, all in varying degrees, some people do not experience attraction at all or to a very low degree.

Those people are asexual. Maybe you should show her the following site:

 

link removed

[Softmoonlight]

with sex. lots of females are like that. we are taught that sex is gross, and that we should never do anything like *GASP* masturbate because then we are disgusting creatures.

 

be very kind to her. how long have you known her? she may have been abused or something! be sensitive to her feelings!

[Angelus]

Dude, i know just how you feel bc my g/f was very uncomfortable with sex but you have to be patient and just try to focus on other things other than sex. Try to rekindle the romantic flame that brought you togther. A few ladies on this site told me that i need to be real and connect with head on my shoulders and not the one below.

 

You have to take her back to those times of bliss and sensualtiy when eveyrthing was innocent and just felt right. Assure her that it is only her you love and not that fun fleshy thing between her legs.

 

Now you go grab your woman, hold her in your arms, look deep into her eyes and tell her what she means to you. Take her out somewhere nice and give her a keepsake item that will represent that bond you have.

 

Hope that helps.

[wlfpack81]

1. primarily, I wasn't very attracted to him physically (although emotionally, etc. I was, so shoudln't this override it? I don't know..)

 

Looks aren't everything..BUT...they do matter. There has to be some attraction there and if there isn't then you're obviously going to have problems being intimate w/someone. Yes sex does involve a lot of mental aspects but there has to be some physicality to it as well since there's transmission of body fluids, smells etc. . So based on this guys short descriptions of his g/f maybe she isn't all that physically into him while on a mental level she is (wants him to be the father of her kid etc.). I suggest you two have a long talk about the relationship and what you/her want out of it.