finally broke free

[happydoodle]

Well, its taken a few months, but I have finally broken up with my ex partner of 4 & half years, father to my 2 kids. Its been a rough few months, he was, and still is, a bully. I feel like I should be real sad, but i'm not, i'm worried more about him, he doesn't want to accept its over. Won't leave me alone. Uses kid as a way to see me and try to get to me and when he's not getting his own way, to hurt me. He constantly tells me i'm nasty. Its really getting in my nerves now. I haven't stopped him seeing kids at all. He even went so far as to take one of my kids away a couple of Weeks.ago and refused to let me see her and I've still allowed him access. I'm trying to set up boundaries so I don't have to see him Al the time, because as much as i'm ok with whole situation, it still hurts like hell. I'm sick of being made out to be a , when all I want is what's best for kids and for me and their father. I hope he will improve with time, but i'm not really sure what to do in mean time. Would it be reasonable for me to get a restraining order on him so he can't keep harassing me all the time? He keeps telling me I'd be nasty to do things like this to him, but I can't have him walking in and out of my life like he has been. . I want to get on with my life now.

[JJ2980]

I believe in boundaries and yes you should set those but it really grates on my nerve when mothers automatically assume they have more parental rights than a father. Who says you do? He's their parent too. Considering you've just left him I doubt there's any permanent custody order in place so he can see them whenever he likes. I get you're moving on and that its been a bad relationship for you. That's fine. If you don't want him in your personal space too much that's fine too but come to a sensible arrangement for the kiddies. Can you involve a friend or family member to do hand offs?

[happydoodle]

I'm sorry, but what part of what I put said that I think I deserve more parental right to him? He sees the kids a lot and I haven't once not allowed him access.

I'm sick of people trying to make me out to be what you have just put as to be believed as a stereotypical separated mother when i'm not. He has disallowed me access to one if my kids ant that's considered ok, yet if I was to do that to him, I would be criticised just as you have said. I don't believe I have any more rights than him, but I wouldn't just walk in and out when he has the children, why should he do that to me?

I have been bullied for months by him, to the extent it had me in hospital extremely unwell. I want him out of my life, not out of kids.

I don't think its fair that you were so quick to pass judgement on me, I'd never so kids seeing their dad. I need him out of my life, and that was my issue, not the child arrangement

[fearlessgirl]

I think the response you got was because of a couple of things you said. One about how you have "allowed" him access (meaning you are in charge), and two you refer to them as "my" kids (instead of ours. I think that is the reason for you coming off as if you are being gracious when in fact he is as much a parent as you.

 

I'm not saying you are doing any of this, but that is indeed how your post came off. I felt the same sort of feeling when I read it.

[happydoodle]

The word allowed had been used as I had been told my numerous people (solicitor, social services and police) not to allow him to take the children. I want saying it because I think I have more rights. He is as much a parent as me, but I am not using the kids to get to him the way he has done to me.

[JJ2980]

You only honed in on one thing I said. I agreed that boundaries need to be set. If you don't want him around that's your right but for the kids sake wouldn't it be better to find a workable solution to satisy your desire to have him remain away from you but also allow the kids to have time with their dad? If you were to get a restraining order wouldn't that make things difficult for him in terms of gaining access to the kids? It's futile to give up all contact as you'll have to have some in relation to the kids but there are things you can do. Block his number. If he calls at home put the kids on straight away. Make it clear that all your conversations are only to be in relation to the kids and nothing else. Enlist a family member or friend to do hand over of the kids. If he keeps being a nuisance warn him that you will take further steps.

 

I guess what I'm saying is exhaust all alternatives before taking such a drastic and irrevocable measure. Unless he's the violent sort, of course, which changes things.