Shyness success stories...ARE there any?

[Fretless]

I would like to hear from some shy men who overcame their shyness in their 20's or later, and managed to form successful relationships after that. Is that even possible?

[warnerbro1]

I too am curious about this. I'm also curious if there are people in their 20s now that never thought in a million years that they'd ever be able to get in a relationship or go out with anybody at all. I'm 20 now and have worked hard to get over one obstacal, my weight. But still, shyness (actually, almost full blown social anxiety), confidence, and irrational thinking is keeping me back from approaching or initiating conversations with girls. I want to know if there is anyone here that finally disproved their own irrational thoughts? For example, have you finally talked to people and realized yourself that you are attractive enough or interesting enough to form bonds with people? Like such as, you thought people caught your bad vibes and come to find out, they actually realize while talking to you that you are a really cool person and not some stuck up snob.

 

But yes, definitely give us some shyness success stories!!

[CamaroJoe]

First of all, most women don't really care if you are over weight...of course they prefer the sexy, (muscular but not TOO muscular 'i've heard chicks say that muscles are bumpy and gross')...but if you have a natural charm and a commanding (confident) personality, then they'll love you.

How to overcome your shyness by yourself is to force yourself into situations that make you converse with people. I used to be shy up until the past two-three years. Jobs really help. That's the best way. Talk to everyone you see at work, you pass them in the hall just say "hi there, how are you?" or if it's a guy "what's up?" ...then you can do it at school too. Then eventually you'll find that you can go up to anyone (including the hottest chick you've ever seen) and just start a lil' conversation with them. It doesn't have to be major and you don't have to spill your entire life on your first conversation.

No girl will ever judge you by your looks if all you are doing is talking to her like she's an equal. Then once you get confortable with her and she with you, you can flirt and finess and see how she reacts. Power and confidence is everything...even if the perception is false. always remember that.

 

hope this helps...

[ck]

I find half of what Camarojoe is saying to be true and to the point, you must

A. Force yourself to talk to people and

C. Need practice and that is where the job part comes in handy because you can talk to your co-workers and they are probably the type that wants to talk anyway since working can get boring.

 

The part I don't agree with is that women don't put emphasis on your looks, I know by experience most of them do, and you can consider yourself pretty lucky to find one who doesn't; like a one in a million chance.

[Fretless]

The part I don't agree with is that women don't put emphasis on your looks, I know by experience most of them do, and you can consider yourself pretty lucky to find one who doesn't; like a one in a million chance.

 

Well if that's the case, what exactly are ugly (but not overweight) men supposed to DO with themselves?

[ck]

Well if that's the case, what exactly are ugly (but not overweight) men supposed to DO with themselves?

 

Well other than hope that another under average (because I don't want to call anyone ugly) or averag girl doesn't think she's hot stuff, or get's lost i reality then maybe you can date those.

 

Otherwise I have no clue, cause if I knew I would write a best seller.

[Pyralis]

I too am curious about this. I'm also curious if there are people in their 20s now that never thought in a million years that they'd ever be able to get in a relationship or go out with anybody at all.

 

I used to think that I'd never be in a relationship. My first relationship just ended a few weeks ago and it only lasted three months, but at least it was something. It was a long distance "cyber" relationship that ended on good terms.

 

I'm 20 now and have worked hard to get over one obstacal, my weight. But still, shyness (actually, almost full blown social anxiety), confidence, and irrational thinking is keeping me back from approaching or initiating conversations with girls.

 

I know exactly what you mean, man. I have the same shyness, the same anxiety, the same low self-confidence, and the same irrational thoughts that keep me from meeting women. It's a curse that has long haunted me and will probably still linger for quite a while. My past relationship did help to boost my confidence a little bit. Heh, at least now I know that it is at least possible for a woman to like me. Before I had no evidence that any woman would be interested in me at all. I tend to only believe what I can observe. What can I say, I'm a scientist at heart. lol.

 

I want to know if there is anyone here that finally disproved their own irrational thoughts? For example, have you finally talked to people and realized yourself that you are attractive enough or interesting enough to form bonds with people? Like such as, you thought people caught your bad vibes and come to find out, they actually realize while talking to you that you are a really cool person and not some stuck up snob.

 

Well, even though my first and only relationship to date was pretty limited by distance and through the Internet. It helped disprove my long-standing theory that I would never be able to attract the attention of a woman. I didn't think about myself as being interesting or attractive before my relationship and to tell you the truth, I still kinda don't. I still think that the chances of me being involved in another relationship any time soon are pretty rare. Like I said before, I tend to base my beliefs on observations. So far my record is one relationship in 23 years. At this rate I should be due for my next one by the time I hit 46. I figure I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. lol! (j/k) I dunno. I've pretty much stopped trying. I figure, if it's meant to happen, it will, if not, it won't. I guess only time will tell.

[phantom_]

whats up, life long shy guy here. to answer your question i think shy guys can have great relationships, its just harder for the stars to be aligned so you can meet that special girl who will like you for you, and who will be patient with you.

 

i want to echo the statements made by some previous posters, you HAVE to force yourself to do new things. stuff that wont be comfortable at first, but probly will become alot easier as time goes by. just dont change who you are, not for some girl..its not worth it.

 

as for looks, id say im probly better off then the average guy and all my female friends kept saying i have nothing to worry about in that dept. i used it as a source of confidence and by being confident in my looks i learned to be confident in other areas. i guess it all kinda builds on each other. find things you know are good about yourself and you can be confident about. then go out and work off these things.

 

i'm still shy, and always will be..its just how i am. i just learned some ways to not make it an obstacle all the time, and have it just be a part of my personality instead.

[Pyralis]

whats up, life long shy guy here. to answer your question i think shy guys can have great relationships, its just harder for the stars to be aligned so you can meet that special girl who will like you for you, and who will be patient with you.

 

Exactly, thank you for bringing that up. I think that's so very true. It can happen, but it's rare.

[RayF]

you bet it's possible!!

 

Yu need to stop everything RIGHT NOW and realize you need one thing, a positive additude shift! The first thing you have to know is you CANNOT count on getting a sucessfull relationship unless you are happy with YOURSELF first!

 

I was super insecure, overweight depressed, shy, timid, passive with a case of Obsessive Compulsive Dissrder had a lonley childhod and had a low self esteem. i've come a LONG, LONG way.

 

i've become fit, decent looking, friendly and more confident and i'm becming more confident all the time. In fact now i find myself in leadership situations, i find people gravitating to me, i find that i can notice attraction from women and that i can make friends allot easier and converse a whole lot easier.

 

And a sucessfull relationship? yup, well it was for two years anyway.

 

Let me first say that i have come a long way but it was an uphill battle and my low self worth still haunts me and tries to trap me from time to time.

 

I really hope you guys read my post it will be a super long but interesting and painfull (for me to tell) story, but i want to try and help guys like you break out of their shell, being happy with yourself is so important and if i can help other guys liek me then i really want to try..

 

i had a lonley childhood separated parents and was always shy. i think this came from lack of attention and being intimidated by my father. In Jr. High i did not develop like a regular person, i tried to ask out girls and got rejected and always wanted to feel like i was desired but i never was. my OCD first started up around this time where i would wash my hands til lthe point of bleeding and obsessivly utter phrases through my mind.

 

It started in high school when i first wanted to change myself because i hated who i was. unfortunately, my perfectonist personality (which is derived from a low self worth) drove me to start rather than a positive additude, regardless when i became so depressed i obsessivly tried to lose weight, i did and went from pretty hefty to super skinny over the course of about 6 months. That was about 40-50 pounds in just 6 months. Let me tell you that i did indeed have an eating dissorder. i was anorexic. I would eat 1 meal a day. And sometimes i would throw my dinner in the garbage and eat nothing. during this time i was most insecure, but i was finding that girls were actually noticing me for the first time in my life. I was sort of in with the popular crowd but would never want to go out with them on the weekends as i was afraid of social interaction.

 

nevertheless my battle with anorexia and insecurity onlygot worse as i pretty much secluded myself for one straight year. my grade 11 year i was the most alone i have ever been, all i wanted to do was be by myself. i would starve myself for the entiere week then just binge on crappy food on the weekends. i would stay at home and watch movies alone and submnerse myself in my hobbies and drawing. I love comics and action figure collecting still do and then they were my escape from the horrors of the real world.

 

Then in grade 12 things started to change, my eatting habbits would ballance out, i would manage to cut my cravings dwn for fast and junk food out all together for good I became friendswith a girl named Gill. found out she liked me but i never capatalized on it because i was to insecure. I think she may have helped with my social development. I became a little more comfortable with who i was and my looks and i started to realize i was missing out on high school. Of course all the time all i wanted was that love and companionship from a woman, the same thing i had wanted since i was 12, probably becausemy father left me. There was this girl i had had a crush on since grade 10 and in grade 12 we became closer, i fell in love with her, in retrospect it was probably lust and was simply attracted to her because of her insecurities, we were alike and attracted. So i pained for her over a year, way to damn scared of rejection to say anything to her. Meanwhile i had been socializing more and becoming more open i had got the guts from somewhere and asked kristen to prom and she gladly accepted, we went and had a good time but still i had not expressed my interest in her.

 

One day i couldn't take the pain i had over her anymore so i told her everything.

 

this was her reaction: Deer in headlights. scared. Needed to think. that night at aftergrad we talked about it were standing close and i was so intense that i kissed her. My first kiss ever. At a patheticly overdue 17 years old.

 

A few days passed and she rejected me. Telling me it was too hard to go from friends to cuple. Rejection agian. Big surprise.

 

Then the next night to my surprise she turns around takes everythign back andt ells me how much she wants a relationship with me. I was shocked for about a week. then begain the most important thing that ever happened in my life... my relationship with her changed my life forever.

 

i had all of a sudden found all this newfound confidence, feeling desired can do so much to your additude. I had discovered that i had been much less afraid of social interaction, i had begun to eat compleatly normally while maintaing a healthy workout plan, my ocd was compleatly under control. I was so happy that summer of grade 12.

 

The relationship with Kristen was like something out of a fairtale to me, i had the beautiful kind loyal and sweet woman who grew to love me, the one thing i always wanted, it was all perfect. wrong. Like everything good it came to an end.

 

why? well it was because of my old worst enemy. Myself. you see when yu carry baggage and are low on yourself, mentally scrutinize yourself and worry about things you eventually become a downer and bring others down with you.

 

You see when you go into a relationship as half a person searching for the other half to make a whole it will always only be a temporary diversion. eventually you adapt and take the other person for granted. your low self worth and negative thoguthts seep through and you are unhappy, even with the only thing you've ever wanted to have.

 

as i mentioned, Kristen was an insecure and fragile person. Her and I don't have a mean bone in our bodies and we treated eachother with the utmost respectand love, at least consciously. Being the insecure person i am, i attracted her because as a fragile person i would be able to cntrol her, i never wanted t do a single thing to hurt her but when she became emotionally invested in her, my fear of her leaving me cause me to become needy and possesive. I wuld pick fights with her for example when i knew she was goingto the bar with her friends. it wasn't conscious but it was a passive aggressive way for her to be controlled by me. my insecurites caused me to cut her down, make her even more insecure than me s i could feel power.

 

eventually she left me. couldn't take the fact she thought i was never happy with her the way she was couldn't take the fighting. she loved me, but she still left me.

 

Here i am back at square one. well not quite. You see i realized all i was during my time with her, how i was the man i wanted to become. i realized my self worth and how much i could offer another person.

 

So i took the initiave to do something i always knew i should do but never did. Get therapy. I went to a cunsler, and still go, he's helped me pinpoint my insecurites their origin and made me realize why my relationship failed and why i am never happy.

 

you see, all i ever did was put myself down. Tell myself i couldn;t do this or that, hate who i was. I was trapped in negativity,

 

nOw with her gone i pain like there is no tomorrow, but all the while i continue to be the man i was when i was with her, but only i try to force myslelf to face those fears.

 

I try and go up to anyone and have a conversatin with them without fear. I try to be alone, without fear. when i start to think negativly, i'll never find myself someone like her, i'll be alone etc. i realize that thats my inner child speaking, the partent being the mature person i have become, i treat that voice as if it were a child.

 

I don't wrry about the future, i live in th now, it's all we ever have, becausethe futures as we see it in our minds is an illusion and the past is gone.

 

There are days when i fall back into old patterns but being aware has helped me take initiative to build on what i've become into something even better.

 

I'm so proud of all the progress i've made, i'm so proud of who i;ve become. and i will continue to become an even better person.

 

When i look back i realize the first thing i needed to do to help me along this path was to TAKE RISKS!

 

Do it. You have nothing to lose. NOTHING.

 

If you are unhappy about yurself, change it, but please do it with a positive additude, don't let your negativity fuel you for change, do it for positve reasons.

 

NEVER starve yourself, but if you want to lose weight exerciseand eat right.

 

NEVER tell yourself you'll look stupid if you take a risk. do it and show the world what you have to offer...

 

if you need professional help GO FOR IT! It's such a great thing! Not a bad thing.

 

I will continue to struggle with this all my life but i;ve come so far and become so much happier...

 

i really know you can too, don't you owe this to yourself? TYhere is a light at the end of the tunnel if you decide to go though it, so GO THRUGH IT!

 

believe in yourself and love yourself then you can have somebody love you for who you are!

[CamaroJoe]

one more thing.....for overweight people, i know this sounds like i'm being an a** but money is a one thing that women love. Not all women, but a lot. Take for instance all these rappers and movie stars who a really obese but have all these women hanging on them..why? because they're rich and they have confidence. it's a cruel world we live in but it is the world we live in..

 

just be a confident, sweet, a-hole lol i know that's an oxymoron (sp?) but once you get the hang of it, you'll understand what i'm talking about.

 

g'luck!

[warnerbro1]

Hey RayF, thanks for that story, that is very inspirational and motivational!!

[Pyralis]

Yes, very good post, RayF. Thanks for sharing that with us, man.

[Fretless]

Thanks RayF.

 

I'm almost 20 years old and I'm roughly where you were when you were in grade 11. I've lost the weight (from 240lbs to 158lbs in eight months) but am unsure how to proceed from here. Only difference seems to be that since I have an unpleasant face, I'm still not being noticed by girls.

[RayF]

no problem guys i'm happy to help in any way i can and if you need anything you can ask here or PM me for advice!

 

i forgot to mention that i'm 20, so i started a littleyounger than you guys did but i was still way late, but the thing is it's never too late to start trying to feel good about yourself.

 

fretless thats awesome the progress you've made! thats GREAt! be proud of yourself!

 

Theres still allot of things you can do to enhance your appearance...

 

working out: losing weight is great but working out intensly to put on muscle you can get a nice body in a relativly short time if you eat right, it can do wonders for your confidence

 

clothing: there are some articles right on the front page of this site on how to enhance your appearance with clothing and still fit with your style! supposedly blue is a color that attracts women.

 

Hygene: i'm not sure if acne is a problem but if it is there are wonderful medications out there that can REALLY improve your skin, i never had a big problem with that but i'm taking some right now anyway because i always had a bit on my back and it's gotten rid of it. Theres acutane, apo-mincycline etc. Secondly check out some magazines for some hairstyles that may work better for you. You don't have to be anyone you're not but just pick something that you like and will look good on you! Looking clean and fresh can really help out allot.

 

cosmetic surgery:

 

I'd never rule this out because if it canreally help a person out why is it a bad thing? It may be able to help with your confidence etc.

 

however the main goal from doing all of this is not only to enhance your appearance but boost your cnfidence. you beam when you become confident and you attract others because of it because of your commanding presense and positive additude. If you treat others with respect you'll be sure to turn some heads.

 

it's hard and long, it takes awhile to build up your confidence. For awhile it will feel like you are playing a role but they say after about 6 months of acting a certian way your thoughts and feelings start to change and ifyou stay that way for a year and a half you've changed for life!

 

alongthe way there will be good things that happen, however minor that will help with this!

 

Read some articles on this site, they halp allot. link removed also has some articles that will help allot.

 

dating, is a whole other game. I have barely ANY dating skills and i hate mind games but it's part of it, reading the book "mars and venus on a date" by John Gray will help out allot on how the dynamics of dating works. I'm not a john gray fan but it's the best dating advice book out there right now.

 

reading the Book "The power of Now" helped me intensly when my ex broke up with me. It helped me realize my negative patterns and how negativity can cause only anguish. It may help you on a deeper level but also you might not need to worry aboutthat right now.

 

Right now takethe nessisar measures to feel the absutle best about yurself and begin to work on your confidence!

[doorik]

The part I don't agree with is that women don't put emphasis on your looks, I know by experience most of them do, and you can consider yourself pretty lucky to find one who doesn't; like a one in a million chance.

 

Well, to be honest ck looks wouldn't matter if ya got the bling now does it?

[RayF]

thats a broad generalization. Not all women are after money. some culd care less how much a man makes, he could be rich good looking and tall and his personality and the way he connects to them may be all that matters.

 

The thing is do you want a woman who's after you fr YOU or for your money?

[ck]

The part I don't agree with is that women don't put emphasis on your looks, I know by experience most of them do, and you can consider yourself pretty lucky to find one who doesn't; like a one in a million chance.

 

Well, to be honest ck looks wouldn't matter if ya got the bling now does it?

 

Hey Doorik I didn't recognize that people still use the word "bling"

 

Anyway yeah bling would make the situation a hundred times better, although money overpowers the bling because you can get bling anytime but money can buy alot of bling.

[wlfpack81]

Ah $$$ & bling. Like a rainy football field, it's the great equalizer in the battle for attracting women.

 

Ugly + $ = Fri/Sat nights alone

Ugly + $$$$$ = Fri/Sat nights w/hot women

[Ceema-k]

Since we are all sharing stories I thought I would pipe in with my own tale as well. Topics on shyness are also near and dear to my heart, so here's the deal...

 

I don't consider myself to be shy anymore. I used to have insanely low self-confidence and was intensely shy until I was about 21. In my last year of university, I went on a mad dating spree to make up for lost time, but to no avail. From age 21 to 23 I would say it was a transition period, when I would consider myself free from shyness but would regularly fall back into my "shy personality".

 

I didn't have my first relationship until I was 23. My experiences are similar to a previous poster: it started out as a net, long-distance relationship and lasted barely 3 months. Although it never ended up being the great, idyllic experience that I always expected it to be, it was nonetheless a very good learning experience. In my mind, I had "joined the human race" when I started this net relationship. And when I lost my viriginity, I did feel a sense of finally becoming "normall". (BTW, if you're still a virgin, it helps to lose it to someone you really, really care for. Otherwise, don't be ashamed of still being one.)

 

After this relationship ended, I admit to falling into my old ways. I am 27 and havent had another relationship since. It's felt like a long time and a very short time as well. I can finally say that I have completely conquered the shyness that crippled me as a teen & young adult. How I did this I can't really pinpoint, but what everyone has said so far has been amazingly accurate.

 

Forcing yourself into social situations, taking better care of yourself, being in the adult work-force and just simply working on an inner confidence that is unconnected to material things are all things that I put into practice in my years long struggle.

 

So the shyness battle is over for me, but the low self-confidence has lingered... much like for adults who were teased as kid for being overweight still harbor insecurities, even if they are now in great shape. Even with my shyness gone, I have been carrying around with me the "loser's limp" when it comes to relationships. I'd say that only in the last year to year and a half have I really begun to BELIEVE that I can have a meaningful, intimate connection with someone. And I'm 27! So really, the game is not really over once you're no longer shy. It's almost like the game has just begun, because you're introduced to things that non-shy people have perhaps dealt with & come to terms with years earlier than you.

 

Which is why I envy those of you who are 20 or even younger who have found this forum and are (hopefully) soaking up advise and inspiration like there's no tomorrow. For me, and i'm sure for many others, conquering shyness and gaining a semblance of self-respect has taken years. I would probably not wish my experiences as a shy guy on my worst enemy... but at the same time I take great pride (can you tell by my long-winded post? ) in what I've accomplished so far.

 

So cornyness aside... if I can do it, you (anyone who is still struggling with shyness) can do it too. Without a doubt in the world you can make it happen.

[Fretless]

Ceema-k, thanks for sharing. That was enormously encouraging.

[Pyralis]

Hey, Ceema-k.

 

It's good to find someone on here that has had a similar relationship experience to the one I've just been through. ** It was a good learning experience for me too. I'm very happy to hear that you have managed to overcome your shyness. I have the same shyness and confidence problems and I hope to conquer them one day too. I'm sorry to hear that the low self-confidence is still a lingering problem. I guess when such a trait develops at a young age it makes it all the more difficult to change in adulthood. My demons have been with me ever since elementary school. They've managed to sink their claws in deep and it's not going to be easy to shake them loose.

 

I am just beginning my journey to improve myself and I thank you for sharing your story. Reading your post has helped add to my determination to break from old habits and look forward to a better life through a better me. A friend at work as been talking to me about how to go about improving myself, my image, my confidence, etc... He's a good guy and I really appreciate his concern for my well-being. He's noticed how very depressed I've been and I think that he's genuinely concerned. It's good to know that people like him still exist in this world.

 

Anyways, I gotta go. Thanks for sharing your story, man. Cya around the forum.

 

**(Still a virgin though, our relationship never came close to that. Not ashamed. Keeping it for a future special someone.)

[Ceema-k]

Hey all... yeah it was nice to share some bits of my personal experiences on this topic. I'm not much of an advice giver, but if anything in my last post can help someone in in some small way, then all the better.

 

Pyralis, my low self-confidence probably isn't as bad as I made it out to be. It's improved by leaps and bounds in the last 4 years, but there is still that last remaining bit that I can't yet stamp out. And I don't know if I can get rid of it completely. As for your coworker, I think you're very lucky to have friends like that & you should do everything in your power to hang on to them. They can offer support as well as provide a sort of role model for you.

 

The great thing is, we are all aware of our problems and take responsiblity for them. We know our demons. And given enough time and determination, we can always count on coming out victorious. Whether it be next month or 10 years from now... however long it needs to take.