stress about one of the parent returning to the state to live

[grainsofrice]

This week, one of my parents is returning to the state. I am some what bothered by this process and I really don't have anyone to pour my heart other than ENA. My gf is on the last string and it could break anytime.

 

Dealing with my parent stress me out. I made a couple ph calls and found a place and now I need to go set it up for him then pick him up when he returns. I also set up a cell ph for him here so that he can use it as soon as he gets off the flight.

 

The process doesn't take much, but just thinking about them stresses me out.

 

I feel upset, angry, exhausted, and the conversation always end up with me yelling and lecturing.

 

Then, I feel sorry after I leave and return call with sorry sound.

 

I feel this way because I have little to give in terms of emotional, energy, and financial support.

 

I was pretty much left as a sac of hot potatoes being pass around from place to place under different cares.

 

I have no other sibling or relatives for support.

 

The day that I deal with my parent's issue always end up unproductive and crappy.

 

I thought about 'going away' for good, but they will be trouble when I am gone.

[TwelveThirty]

What kind of "trouble" are we talking about here?

 

...is it really worse than the "trouble" you can inflict yourself? I wonder...

[grainsofrice]

Trouble as in, I left them and they have no one else to depend on. I'm the only person that they got. That will be selfish of me to just take off.

[TwelveThirty]

How and how much do they rely on you?

 

Versus

 

You don't have any money to support them and you've experimencing so many difficulties with them it's almost impossible to be of entire assistance.

 

Also, I'd like to double check: when you say : "I left them", do you mean you once went away and they called you to come back?

[grainsofrice]

Not much. I severed with one parent and excommunicated entire side of family. This excommunicate need emotional support (minor financial support). They can't help me financially and their emotional support lack substance.

 

The other parent is annoying with things here and there (paper work, living arrangement, financial education, education in general about life here). This one is lack luster parent with no drive for success. I wonder if there is a gene associated with such lack luster personality, "lack of curiosity".

 

People should reconsider marriage and having kids seriously before they conceive. There should be a ban on marriage and child birth if people are just doing it for the sake of society expect them to have kids and get married at certain age.

[TwelveThirty]

I wish to continue on this topic with you but I must interrupt you immediately.

 

There are no perfect worlds on this planet. Everything you experience is another reason to suffer. And then you realize it wasn't all that bad, and that it gave you justice for making an effort. Let me tell you straight to you what I believe: you are not making that effort. Or if you are, you are doing it against your own will. Your ambitions are probably coming in vain and you decide that quiting is the best way to deal with your problems. Yet, you are capable. If nobody confronts you on this, you will not be able to realize what you're missing. Well I'm sure you're guessing it now: I am. And I know you are because I do have that impression that behind all your messages, weither they're a bit difficult to understand, that you're smart. What you're lacking of is experience, discipline, and optimism. Frankly speaking, is it something you can't obtain? No, it absolutely is not. Experience takes time, discipline takes determination and courage, and optimism, well a combination of the two others, so that you are free of troubles caused by your lack of work and engagement.

 

Now I'm going to stop right here because I just want to double check with you: am I right? Do you make sense of what I'm saying or not? I'm not here to bully you or to pin you in a corner to have you do the right thing, but you looked to confront someone multiple times and everybody avoided you. I only hope I'm doing you a favor by doing what everybody else has not done with you when you've been looking to have this sort of situation happening.

 

I send you my regards.

[grainsofrice]

For the internet troll who just made an off-hand remarked about me regarding my parents....

 

I love my parents and they are the only people that I have true connection here on earth.

[grainsofrice]

For the internet troll who just made an off-hand remarked about me regarding my parents....

 

I love my parents and they are the only people that I have true connection here on earth.

 

Not you 1230. I sounded as I dislike my parents in this thread.

[TwelveThirty]

People should reconsider marriage and having kids seriously before they conceive. There should be a ban on marriage and child birth if people are just doing it for the sake of society expect them to have kids and get married at certain age.

 

It sounded like you outright disliked and regarded them with cynism. It is not an unnatural treatment, frankly speaking. But it is not helping if you want to do change yourself or to help them. So what can I do? How can I help you with your current situation? You want to love your parents and support them but everything you have and do, had and did does not help it? What else can I advice other than to keep trying and to try to change? Please bear with my accusations as I'm not completely trying to oppose you. I think this argument can have a rather positive effect for you so I say let's try to do it with a minimum of respect.

 

My only explanation is that you are stuck with other problems that prevent you from overcoming your current difficulties with your parents. Does that sound right?

[TwelveThirty]

I wish I could just come back to edit this post of mine but for some reason I am unable to do so. So I'll try to make the corrections in this post instead.

 

I'm going through many threads all at once and I sometimes take less time to reply. Now I realize that I should have considered a few points, missed some others, and should have studied the case better in the first place before replying.

 

So instead I'd like to start anew by first double checking that I got everything right:

 

Your parent is coming back this week. However, you don't want to experience the same stressful situation that you've had in the past. In addition, this extra stress could mean the end with your relationship with your girlfriend. Then, you still wouldn't know how to solve your problem. You've thought about going away but don't believe it would be a solution. Now you're looking for tips on how to make your communication more effective with your parent.

 

Anything wrong? Anything you'd like to add?

[grainsofrice]

Thanks 1230, there is no need to edit. I can take the constructive criticism.

 

In summary, what I lack is the maturity which seems to be a road block in my current life. For my parents' situation, I should have 'just do it' to whatever extend that I can without too much emotional investment. I'm stuck with this baggages and I just have to manage how to get them accross the river of life without losing my baggages and drowing myself in the process. The key is: how do I turn it on and turn it off so that I continue to focus on myself w/o getting distracted.

 

Gf is tired of me for lack of motivation, leadership, negativity.....now, I am afraid to open my mouth. I know what need to be changed here.

[TwelveThirty]

I guess I understand you well. Maturity is not necessarily easy to reach, especially when you're coming from a more difficult background. Then, there are those other kids with who you can't stop comparing yourself with. They were next to you, and now seem completely farther ahead. So it keeps the current spinning in the same way: you lack of leadership because you'll never catch up with those people, you lack of positivism because you know it, and you lack of motivation because of your lack of positivism.

 

Straight simple. But it's also straight easy to check reality in front of you: not everyone has a chance to be those "leaders". There are also the ordinary people. If you look more carefully around you, you'll see people in their forties who are completely done with life already at their age. They just can't avoid running in circles anymore. You, on the contrary, still have the option to look forward your future, or to wait until that time comes.

 

I'm quite happy that you think of the love of your parents. But I'm wondering if it wouldn't be easier and even maybe more fair for you to think more for yourself. The reason is that in my opinion, you need to find a new role model. One that fits your ideals, that will help you grow, and more. So I think you need to explore this world a bit more; to see for yourself what other people have accomplished is necessary to development. If you can have strong role models in your environment, that's what helps you grow. A role model is a person who you idolate and gives you interest in becoming like him/her. So far I don't see your parents as being such idols. And it's making you look like you have no leadership (to your girlfriend but also to yourself), which I think you have.

 

Tips with your girlfriend: in a few words, keep it easy. Agree to what she asks you, be funny, see her once in a while, but don't do too much. Balance your words, stay calm, and don't ask for much. This relationship may already be over so I would keep its "upkeep" at its minimum while you focus on yourself. I suggest that you do mention the return of your parent and the slight affectation (statement) of your relationship but that you're doing alright (positivism) nevertheless. Positive statements will win this fight for you if you can play your cards well.

 

Anyways, does she count much for you? What does she bring into your life (tough question so just answer the next if you find it too difficult)? How did you meet together? How often do you see each other.

 

So far she's the only one I can see as being part of your life as an important figure. Is there anybody else? Otherwise, I think it would be fair to develop a bit more attention to this sphere because I think it may be worth more devotion.

[grainsofrice]

Wow, TwelveThirty, you are awesome. You should get a cut of the ads revenue from ENA/here. I am so humble by your effort to help out another stranger on the net.

 

 

My gf means the world to me. She is 100x more important than you can imagine. She is my driving force. I can’t let her down. Yes, I am very careful about pulling the right cards and pushing the right buttons at the right time. It’s about less of me and more of her. Leadership in relationship is important. I'm doing what I can without her having to push me.

 

I will reconnect with mentors, but I might have shown lack luster. But, my effort to escape the ‘ordinary’ spectrum and effort to reach my goal itself is a motivation and determination for success.

 

There is nothing wrong with the ‘ordinary’. I respect people who are out there living it. I had accepted the life of ordinary, but I want to give it a shot at my goal and at the end at least I can claim that I give it a hard battle and I fail at escaping the ordinary.

 

Again, my goal isn’t something out of the ordinary. It’s something that everyone can obtain. I have the intelligence. The leadership isn’t something like running the city, district, etc for my goal.

I have seen worst leaders in this profession and bad personalities. The field is very competitive nowadays that the standard has been elevated higher.

 

 

It’s official that I might just inherit the bad genes from both parents. One parent told me that I sound just like my other parent. I also share traits with this parent that just made that remark. I actually accept both of them as they are as of this evening. There is no use to compare both of them to other people’s parents who are driven and being good role models.

 

My focus from now will be mainly focus on my goal. I will let go of other troubles.

[TwelveThirty]

So, I think you have regained confidence about your current issues and are ready to start afresh with all that I mentioned was spoken. It is time for you to do your best and to return later when you have some more news so that we can continue working on what's not right.

 

I think it was about receiving the support from someone else than the people in your current surroundings. Apparently, you can't only rely on your girlfriend because it's too dangerous to lose her. I hope she will become your best and greatest friend over time but that is not the case at the moment and I shall be understanding that you might need another supportive hand. So I'll keep myself up to your news and I wish you the best at the moment.

 

How about you send me a PM in two weeks or so? I'll wait for you until then!

[TwelveThirty]

Hi Grainsofrice!

 

How is it going these days?

 

By the way, your PM box is full so I couldn't send you a message directly.