advice on unusual situation please.

[willowwind]

i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We were pretty happy, but i felt like something was wrong. I felt like he was hiding something from me. I pushed & pushed & pushed, and eventually found out that an ex girlfriend of his has been calling him for the past 2 years. The last time he saw her was 12 years ago. She has been calling him, saying she wants to see him. She broke up with him, after meeting someone else. she lives in usa, we live in the uk. she calls up, and threatens to hurt herself, demanding that he see her. She says her therepist told her that she needs 'closure' on their relationship. hence the constant calling. She called a few times when I picked up the phone, and hung up. At the time i didn't know.

I was really hurt when I found out, as he had not been honest with me, and i could not understand why he didn't tell me about it. I thought partners were supposed to share problems.

 

He says he has called her when he knows she is at work and left messages telling her to leave him alone.

 

He says to me that it is hard when someone who he used to care about rings and threatens to hurt herself.

 

I think it is unhealthy for him to continue to talk to her. He is buying into her weird manipulations. I just feel angry at her. Angry that he hid something like this from me, and totally angry that she is affecting my life. and if I stop being selfish for a second, she is being totally unfair to my boyfriend. He is over the other side of the world. What can he do??

He thinks it's not going to stop. I can't really bear it. some women over the other side of the world, from a time 12 years ago, is causing stress in my relationship, and causing my lover to be dishonest, and stressed, and lets face it she is sucking up his emotional energy. what do i get at the end of it?

 

What do you think? Advice please. Do I have the right to be angry about this. What are your views. what should I do??? How can we stop this from happening?

help plz.

[newlife]

I think you have the right to be angry. It must be annoying, but you should try to deal with the situation calmly. If you get stressed out about it thigs will start to tense between you and your boyfriend and might find your self in a bad position.

 

I understand his motivation to answer her calls. It is hard to ignore someone who you cared about at one point in your life. Brobably you would have done this if you were in his place, think of it this way. But if he is not making an action then you dont have to worry. He is with you in the UK and she is far in the USA, so the ball is in your field and you have to know how to play well.

 

I blame him for one thing though, that he didnt tell you about the whole thing. But again may be he was worried that it will affect your relation. I think you have to talk with him about it and try to sort it out and move on.

 

Good luck and remember you have been together for 5 years it would be a shame to lose him.

[Princess777]

This IS tough. Yes I agree with all of your emotions, exactly. You said it well. Yes he should have told you. 2 years is a long time to lie to you. After all, that is almost half of your relationship too. However, she is in another country.... are you sure there is no chance that they have met up within that time? How did she get his number anyway?????? So much to think about here before you make a decision, I know.

 

I am really not sure what I would do in this situation. It would depend a LOT on how he is acting now that he knows you know. Would you know now, if you hadn't pressed him?

 

If he seems true to you and you actually believe that nothing has happened between them, then I would probably try to work it out and help him get rid of her. If you live together, change your phone numbers and make them unlisted. That is not difficult. If you don't live together and he is willing to change his numbers, that's great but then it is not very easy to make sure he's not calling her anymore from another place. However, if you feel you have to check up on him then you probably shouldn't stay with him.

 

Bottom line for me would be, do you feel like you can trust him anymore? I probably couldn't but I am not the most forgiving person in the world. I expect respect and that means don't lie to me.

 

However you react to this situation, you're screwed, I know... I am so sorry. If you forgive him with no repercussions, he'll think you're a pushover and he can do whatever he wants in the future and you'll never dump him. If you dump him, you may be losing someone who really loves you but just made the bad choice not to tell you something that he should have.

 

I would probably take a look at his character and his actions since you've known him and think about it long and hard. Is he the type of person to hide things? Is he a liar? Is he deceitful in any other way? Does he show you that he loves you? Does he remember the important holidays and your birthday, etc? Does he pay a lot of attention to you?

 

These questions should help you decide what to do.... Please let us know how you're doing.