Partner with Attention Deficit Disorder

[princesa]

Does anybody know how to handle "the case" or does anybody have any experience with a partner who has ADHD or is manic-depressive. I might have to do with the case and would be interested to exchange views.

 

Thanks.

Princesa

[PAdreamer]

Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from ADD can be a real challenge. You can feel ignored, underappreciated, and neglected (believe me, I've felt all of those things and more!). The key is to be patient and understand that it's just like any other disability: it's something that is a part of them that really can't be changed.

 

The questions you have to ask are 1)am I patient enough to handle this, or can I LEARN patience? And 2)If this person never changes this part of their personality, could I still love them just as much ten years from now?

[princesa]

Thanks so much for your response.

I underline everything you say...and I have to say after fighting and banging my head against the wall I think I've really become patient, and believe me, patience never has been my strength. BUT the problem is, since ADD is there, he can't obviously learn anything or change anything, and in order to make concessions myself I need to see that the other one at least tries to notice my needs.

I think however it's a matter of adjusting, learning to be patient and not taking these moods too personally. And of course you need to love...

 

There are nice characteristics as well ... it's just that negligence, terrible outbursts, underappreciation, continuous fighting...that's killing me.

[PAdreamer]

Trust me, I totally understand. I have to admit that my one and a half year relationship with a severely ADD guy did not end well. But of course you have to add to that the fact that he was incredibly stubborn and everything had to be HIS way... Anyway, my current boyfriend suffers from it a little, too... Only not nearly as badly. Sometimes the individual with ADD can change certain aspects. I think you need to talk to them and let them know how you feel, very calmly. If they get upset, stay calm and reassure them. Talk them down, as it were. If they care about you, they will want to know what they can do to make things better. And even if things don't change right away, perhaps you'll at least see an effort. Sometimes it may mean that you have to make an agreement:

 

"If you do (unwanted action), can we agree that if I point it out that you will try not to get upset and just acknowledge it and try to fix it?" And maybe try a reward system. For every obvious effort they make to remedy a problem, you are spontaneously EXTRA sweet and loving on them that day! Sometimes it takes an extra positive push to make your partner feel that all of the effort is worthwhile.

 

Things to that effect- COMPROMISE- can take a relationship a very long way! Be creative. The more they see YOU trying, the more they will want to try.

[stratguy620]

Wow PA you are exactly right on. My current gf has ADHD, along with various learning disabilities, and it is incredibly difficult sometimes. I always feel like Im towards the bottom of her priority list, and its so frustrating trying to talk to someone when you know they are focusing more on the birds outside or sumtin. But like PA said, you have to ask yourself if you are patient enough to handle this, because they really have no control over their problem. BTW, please look at my post in this same forum about my gf and I. It migt have something to do with this, and Im so desperate for help with it.

[stratguy620]

Ok i know I already posted on here, and I know I gave my 2 cents on the topic, but now I need some help. Like I said, my gf has very serious ADD, and it makes it very hard sometimes. I always feel like Im near the bottom of her priorities, and that she doesnt really care about me. I mean, she goes on and on about how much she loves me, and how much she misses me, but then right after she says that she says that she wants to get off because she would rather watch some comedy show on tv. And I can't get mad at her or anything; I cant say something like "Stop doing your homework and talk to me", or "turn of the Tv and spend time with me". I know if I want to be with her I have to be patient, but is there anything else I can do? And dont say try studyin with her, because she just gets frustrated because I have such an easy time with school and she has to struggle to do well, so she doesnt like it when Im with her when she is doin school stuff. PLease help.

[PAdreamer]

To be honest I don't think there's much you can do aside from being patient. Believe me I know how frustrating it is. I mean, here I am, all the way accross the country from my boyfriend, waiting desperately to hear from him and get a chance to really talk to him, and he would rather play a computer game. Yeah, it is frustrating. And that's when I have to kick the patience into overdrive and remind myself that it isn't anything against me and that I need to understand his point of view instead of trying to force what I want on him all the time. It's not easy, and sometimes you might feel like it's just not worth it. But trust me, if you belong together, it's worth all of the hurt and frustration.

[princesa]

Hello guys,

 

sorry I haven't been commenting my own topic for a while! Here I am, still trying to be patient with my very own ADHD-patient.

 

PA's advice was very welcome and true - it's all about patience and accepting them as they are. BUT we can't forget that we're human too, we may not have any disorders, but our flaws should be understood as well. I always say to my boyfriend that I have accepted to love him just as he is and I'm happy I've learned some patience (mind you I'm normally no patient person). But when I act "funny" he should forgive me too...which seems to be difficult. He always makes such a scene, overreacts, bursts out terribly etc. Working on that though...and here again, the more patient I am with him, more he HAS to control his overreactions too.

 

Anyways, believe me, I completely understand what you're saying. It IS annoying when he proposes to see a movie but after 15 minutes loses his concentration and starts surfing on the computer or talking at the same time. Or we go for a walk and he either talks all the time about himself or starts sending sms to everybody he knows. Or we're having a really interesting conversation and just as I start feeling he's so understanding etc, he stands up and starts talking about something completely different.

I'm quite used to that now, though...I try not to take it personlly and just try to laugh and tell him "So you can't concentrate anymore, can you?" or "If you can't watch the movie honey, please let me finish watching it and then we can do something together". Actually I think it has helped, because he sees that I accept him with the disorder, but I don't jump according to his moods.

 

Another thing, that has been a bit difficult for me compared to my other relationships is his sexuality. He likes sex very much and also talks about it a lot, but then again, if he's stressed or whatever's bothering him, he just can't have sex. Or let's say he's lustless. It's like as if he needed to be fully focused on lust, which we seldom are, there is so much more into life. So it demands so much effort from my side to get him focused.

 

I'd also say he's pretty tactless, he says things without considering their consequences. I may tell him 1000 times he shouldn't talk about other women so much (I am jealous, who wouldn't be if you have to hear every bl%%dy description about every woman) but he just can't control it. He utters all his thoughts - spontaneous, tactless, thoughtless...

 

But then again, sooooo creative and intelligent. I can't understand how he gets all those brillant ideas when so "out of control". There are many wonderful things in our relationship, things I never experienced with anybody else. I haven't felt that anybody loved me more either. It's true that I've had to learn to be more patient and there are things that'll annoy me over and over again, but so far I've decided to keep on putting up with that for what the whole thing is worth.

 

PATIENCE. And not taking their actions personally, however letting them very calmly know how you feel and where are your limits - you can't let them completely loose either. According to my experience they need some "guidance" too.

 

Take care and keep on posting, Princesa

[PAdreamer]

I have the same problem with my guy in the area of sex. It's not that he can't have sex, but he has a very hard time focusing. He has so much on his mind that he's constantly trying to deal with, and because of his disability and the limited feeling her has in the lower half of his body he has to concentrate a lot harder than most guys. And when he can't finish, he gets angry at himself. It's a struggle, but I love him and even when we don't get the outcome we want, I always keep loving on him and I tell him it's okay. And then we just cuddle and look at each other and we love each other in other ways. And it's awesome!

[princesa]

I know what you mean...and it's really important to let them know "it doesn't matter", otherwise they can get real big trauma and inferiority complex. Funny enough, there still can be more closeness without sex than in some other relationships! Anyways, sometimes I hesitate about this, because I have my sexuality too and the relationship wouldn't go too well either if I was "unsatisfied" (I'm not, but to be honest sometimes I'd like to have more sex and get and give without having to get him focused) But then again...it's all about patience...