he is still living on his past..don't know what to do :(

[pinkoala]

 

G'day to all

 

when i first met my husband i knew about his past, he got 2 kids 7&8yrs old from her ex gf. They live together for almost 5yrs. The reason of their brake up was unrecognizable differences, most of people who both close to them told me that they've always fighting, then one day my husband's ex gf took their 2 kids and leave w/ another man. So after that girl..i'm the next woman to my husband's life.

My husband's ex gf is a nut case..she's so bitter and love's drama especially when it come's to the kids. She don't let my husband see the kids for 4 months now. In-fairness to my husband i can see that he really loves his children and his trying so hard just to have contact with them.

We don't have a baby of our own yet (i don't have kids, i'm very single when i get married). I'm 28yrs old this year..and i'm getting clucky.. Ofcourse i want to have my own baby, my own family. Before i married him i know that his bit hesitant about having a baby again. I understand it, so for me not to conceive i took depo shot contraceptive for nearly 1 year but i stop it just last November 2009 due to side effects. last night i told him in a sweet way that i want to have little version of him. He suddenly went cranky and said that if i get pregnant i will also take the baby away from him in short i will also do what his ex gf did to him. He also said that he never had a time for himself and if we will have a baby it will just give pressure on us and he needs to work harder then, which he said he don't want to happen.

I was hurt, maybe i could understand if his reason of us not to have a baby yet is because his not ready yet, But telling me that he thinks i will do what his ex did to him is so unfair..](*,) I've been a supportive wife for him..but what about me? I can see that the reason of his frustrations are because of his past, But that's already past, i'm his present and his future..i believe i don't deserve to be treated like this. But it seems that he don't understand that. I don't what to do..it's so heartbreaking..

[wlh22]

pinkola,

You are correct that you shouldn't be treated based on what his ex did. But he is a human and I am assuming it's not an everyday behavior. He freaked out! I will give him that one instance as that excuse. But you have to also realize that it's been more than a year (even before marriage) that he told you he doesn't want kids anymore (You agreed to it and even were taking pills for a year... long time). So in his mind, it was firm that you guys are not gonna talk about kids (at least not you). And suddenly, ne day - WHAM... now think about you? If you were him, wouldn't you react (it's human emotion)....

And my personal opinion is to sit down and have a heart to heart talk (at the right time/ place) instead of letting things SLIDE IN (easily). It confuses men. For one year you were ok and now suddenly you tell this to him as if it is a simple issue. Do you see what I am trying to say?

 

I was just trying to put myself in the guy's shoes. Hope this helps.

[pinkoala]

thanks for that wlh22 i can wait till his ready but my concern is till when? my clock is ticking..women are not like man that can still have a child even in the age of 70..His reasons strikes me so bad..i was overwhelmed that he thinks that way..

[blackglory]

How long you want to wait is up to you. You can't force him to let go of that fear. I'm not going to say that his fear is justified, but it has happened to him before. He probably just needs a lot of reassurance. Does he know that you think his ex is psycho? Does he know that you would never do that? Does he trust you? Does he know that he will lose you if he doesn't work on this issue? (Just guessing that is the case) All of those things need to be in place, and if they aren't the only way you will be able to move that forward without waiting is (if he will do it) making a contractual agreement about children. Even then...do you really want to do that?