I have been feeling put down by my husband

[JH123]

I have been feeling put down by my husband of 15 years, and I have seen his friends doing the same kind of thing. Like they call their wives the "ball and chain." My husband said that he just ignores them when they say this sort of thing, but I am not so sure.

 

I want him to be my best friend, but if he is hanging around with these guys, then he must feel this way too. In fact he told me today that if it weren't for me not wanting him to go out -- he would be persuing other relationships, with guys. But that I am somehow holding him back.

 

I tend to think that this is an exaggeration on his part, but if his friends say ball and chain and he is telling me that I am holding him back, then either I am or that is his perception of the deal.

 

We have a nine year old little boy, so it is hard to do things as a couple like we used to do. I do get upset if he goes out and spends a lot of time at a bar, because he seems to use that as a reason to put me down, like I am not good enough to spend time with him at a bar. I would like to be 21 again, but I am not -- and I don't see that it is so great to go out and talk about him or flirt with guys, because I know that in the end, he can hurt me more than I can hurt him!!

[charmed]

Hey JH123,

 

Sorry to hear you so down about this.

 

The Ball and Chain.

It's a saying. It's usually said out of habbit. It's a guy thing, but you shouldn't read too much into the words themselves or someone saying it. What you show real concern about is that you feel like a ball and chain, or at least that's the impression your husband may be giving you.

 

Time apart is good. It's a good thing for you both to do your own thing, but there does have to be a limit. You guys are a family, and you need to have family time, and as a couple you need husband and wife time for the whole thing to work right.

You don't really describe how much he goes out with the guys, so I'm not sure how exactly to approach this. You know yourself that there are probably two nights a week he could be with his friends, maybe even a third doing sports or hobby (ie not in bar), but outside that I suspect that you begin to feel overlooked.

 

He does show signs of boredom perhaps, in that he is blaming you for restrictions on his social life. Again, by the rules above, there has got to be a middle ground where you can both be happy and still get to persue your lives. So I suggest sitting him down and talking about it. But, calmly talking about it. It can't get angry, or it will develop into a taboo topic where you dont' go there. Talk talk talk to him. Try not to come accross very emotional about it. Try to remain logical, and smart about the way you approach the subject. You need to illustrate to him that working on the marraige and strengthening it at this point in time is a positive thing to do. For your son's sake, it's also a much more positive environment for him to be growing up in.

 

So talk talk talk, and don't be too shy or over-emotional about it.

 

That's my advice !

 

Hope this helps you some,

[wendella]

that is hurtful, i totally get where your coming from

 

also people are a reflection of the ones they hang out with and if he hangs out with people you don't like I can totally see what you don't like about it

 

That is terrible that he is not at home helping you raise your son, I would talk to him about it seriously and demand what you need out of the relationship, don't compromise what you truly believe in

 

Like on some small things in my relationship I can bend a little, but if it comes to things that make up my soul or being, there is no way that I can bend on them like how i feel about cheating, it is 0% tolerence on that.

 

You are in a tough situation, especially having a child. Hmmm try to work on it and talk to him. Tell him exactally how you feel, without yelling or being negative, like from the heart, and if he is any kind of man he will curb his nights at the bar and respect your feelings. If he doesn't there isn't much hope if he is not willing.

[Luciana]

I disagree with your guys. Him calling her his ball and chain, even if jokingly, is a form of abuse. A man who loves and cherishes his wife does not say these things. If he wants his freedom back, he should separate.

 

I once got mad at my BF because we were flying to CA and the guy who was seating next to him said he was going to his brother's wedding. My BF then answered: "poor bastard". I thought it was SO innapropriate, he should have said something like "good luck to him", or "that's nice".

 

It expresses what he thinks of relationships. That's why I am having trouble with him agter almost 6 years of dating.

 

You need to talk earnestly with your husband and tell him it's not OK to say this about you. Tell him if he wants out, he can have out. The door is open. Watch his reaction. Make him take your seriously.