2 years post break up, and I'm all messed up again =/

[DGAudiS4]

This will probably be a long post, but I really just have to vent and maybe someone can help with some of their insight/experiences.

 

My ex and I were together for 5 yrs. We broke up 2 years ago. I tried the NC rule on/off during the 2 years... but I kept giving in.

 

It also didn't help that her family loved me and kept calling/im'ing me and inviting me over to the kids (her nephews/nieces) birthdays.

 

During the 5 years we were together, 2.5 of it was kind of rocky. Her mom passed away from cancer and thats when things started to get rocky. Eventually she broke it off.

 

I actually kept up the NC rule very well this year... but then her father passed away from cancer about 1.5 months ago. Very sad to lose both parents at her age (she just turned 30 and I'm about to turn 31).

 

I put myself there to be there for her and her family. I only planned to attend the ceremony/funeral and help out with some stuff, then go back to NC. I had 2 weeks vacation for Xmas/New Years and so did she, but we had our own plans for it.

 

But somehow, we ended up spending a lot of time together. The 1st week of Christmas break, we spent every day together. When we went out she would hold my hand. One night she pulled me in and kissed me.

 

We even decided to take a weekend getaway to San Diego. It was like we were a couple again. We even made love a few times while down there. I was very hopeful that we would get back together.

 

She even came by my house the Saturday before NYE and again we made love.

 

Then this past week (week of NYE/NY), I slept over on Monday. Tuesday she said her friends from LA are coming up this week so she was having dinner w/them on Tuesday and partying w/them for NYE. She said she'd see me on New Year's Day for her family's dinner.

 

I pretty much didnt hear from her Tuesday/Wednesday other than a quick Happy New Year txt. It was a big change from spending everyday with her to complete nothing.

 

I went by New Years day for her family dinner, and notice that her family wouldn't look at me in the eyes. And she was avoiding contact w/them. I decided to drink some wine and then she said dont drink too much because I have to drive home... that it's not a good idea for me to sleep over anymore... and that we should talk.

 

So I said fine, lets talk.

 

Turns out during the 2years we were broken up, she had dated another guy for 1.5 yrs of it (but broke up back in August). This really shocked me, as she never told me. She said she was scared of hurting me. That alone made me feel kinda gross for what we did in San Diego. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and didnt want to be with me. She said she wanted to talk some more but it was getting late, so I left.

 

I didn't see her Friday because she went to hang out w/those same from LA. But I later found out thru a friend of mine that he saw my ex at the club totally making out w/a guy on the dance floor.

 

I asked her about it and she said "Yes, I really like him. He's from LA." That made me feel even MORE gross about what happened between us in San Diego and at my house, just a few days ago!

 

This furiated and disgusted me, so I told her she is not someone I want in my life anymore. And as sad and hurt as I was, I was glad to finally know about her most recent ex and this new guy, as it makes it a lot easier to just end it all.

 

She said she doesnt know what she wants yet, and if it takes partying and going wild and meeting guys to do it, so be it. She said she never got to experience that stage in her life, and she wants to do it now that she turned 30.

 

So we said our final goodbyes... and my friends dragged me out to a club. The my ex's sister started IM'ing me saying she has been crying for the past few days about how my ex has been treating me and leading me on.

 

She said that all the brothers/sisters saw her and her LA guy on the dance floor and all got disgusted with her. So they had a huge fight (which was why my ex didn't talk to them or that they all couldn't look at me at the New Years dinner).

 

She said the entire family loves me and that I deserve much better and I should move on.

 

I agreed with her... but why does it still hurt? I know she is totally not the person for me now, but it still hurts. I still don't have much of an appetite. And while I slept better last night then any other night the past week, I still didn't have a good sound night of rest.

 

I guess I need time to 'heal' again even though we never were really together. She said I was the only one there for her for her father's death, and she loved me for that, and thats why what happened... happened.

 

I think it's hard because I haven't had a gf since her in the past 2 years... I've had a few odd dates but it never really worked out... while guys are totally drooling all over her.

 

Doh! I think I totally brought this on myself. :sad: ](*,)

[waltwhit]

Well, you know, you are going to be hurt. It has been awhile since you were together, but really this past deal is like a second break-up. So, you will be hurting. But the sooner you can let it go, the better off you will be. And of course it's tough to find a girl you get along with right now, because you are dwelling on her and all the negative emotions associated with the ex, and you are kinda sub-consciously putting those out there when you hang out with other girls. And besides, your heart isn't into it. It's still with the ex. The sooner you can let her go, and *eek* be happy for her (I know it doesn't seem fair, but really it's for you not her) the sooner you will feel over her and ready to move on, or just be by yourself for the time being - whatever.

 

I think you can definitely take some positive things away from this experience. You never acted like an A-hole. The family loves you, and was on YOUR side (which should tell you a little something about your ex) but it should also let you know that you are a classy, awesome guy (maybe you already knew this, but dwell in IT instead of your ex); and you are experienced in the very difficult process of being there for someone when they lose very close loved ones - that is a very difficult thing to do, ...a very difficult situation and you played a very selfless role - Bravo for you, my friend!

 

Bottom line, pack your bags up, fold everything really neatly, and prepare for your trip out of wallowing-in-the-past land. It's time to move on to greener pastures, my friend!

[hpsowce]

I just wanted to say I can appreciate how difficult it can be, it's a shame there's no "off" switch for emotions and it's a shame that emotions aren't always logical. Your comments about moving on resonate with me, my last breakup was 12 months ago but 18 months before that we spent around 6 months apart and I feel I managed to move on much more during that period than I have during this one. Let's take a look at the differences, maybe it can be of assistance to us both!

 

Each time the relationship ended I was left with very low self-esteem, low confidence and a seemingly irrational belief that I'd lost the most perfect and possibly the only perfect woman I would ever have the chance to be with.

 

The main difference I can see is that I got into another relationship last time, it didn't last long, only a few weeks and I ended it, but it definitely made me feel better.

 

For some reason it's been much more difficult to meet anyone this time, I've had dates but for some reason there's always been a deal-breaker with the girls I've met, just something that hasn't felt right.

 

The only thing I haven't done this time, which I did last time was to spend a lot of time working on improving myself specifically for the dating scene, some of these ways seem silly now, but I'm beginning to wonder if they were actually a lot more effective than they seem.

 

This time I have spent time improving myself as a person, through meditation, yoga, reading and developing myself spiritually. This has been the more difficult path, I've had to face a lot of personal issues and continue to do so. I was in contact with my ex until recently but managed to avoid falling back into that vipers nest, I was recently informed she's now in another relationship which whilst it was a shock (this was a guy she met 10 minutes after I turned her down at the work christmas party) I think I'm over that more or less without any major upsets.

 

Maybe the best way to assess where you are is to ask whether you feel you are moving on at all, if you are then that's good but if you aren't then you may need to reassess what you are doing and how you are thinking.

 

I also want to say you have shown yourself to be a very caring person, it looks like you really loved this girl and it's unfortunate that things didn't work out. Perhaps though these things happen to show us that what we thought we had wasn't really what we had, to perhaps open our eyes to reality.

 

It's tough, it's been 2 years and you'll know as well as anyone that these emotions are cyclic, they come and go, rise and fall, but you'll get through it in the end.

[DGAudiS4]

Thanks for the responses guys... definitely helps to get it out and hear people's advice and experiences.

 

Day 2 of NC all over again! Haha!

[waltwhit]

Keep the faith, bro!