doormat?

[Smiliegirl]

After reading someone else's post about relationship communication I thought about my own relationship. Sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted - like he knows I will always be there, that I will always do things for him. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a doormat.

 

Any advice at all? How do I stand up for myself when I am so used to just agreeing with him?

[chasey]

I used to be a little like that too (I say a little cuz I'm still working on changing my codepency habits and I'm sure still don't admit how bad I am). Alot of the time I feel like I do so many things for him cuz I love him and and I want to but then there are times when it's like, seriously, get up and do it yourself. The trouble is after so many years they get used to you always being there. With my SO I don't think it's that he's using me, it's just a habit that I do all these things. Lately I've been not always doing stuff for him etc and I'm finding he pretty much just takes care of it himself, no problem.

[darkplace]

part of the reason i broke up woth my x was becuase he didnt pull his weight and i felt like he was taking advantage. but once i left him i realised that i wouldnt have minded to do those things for him for the rest of my life. i guess if you just leave him to do stuff he might do it as mentioned above. dont let him make you do too much though.

[Lucy__lou]

Sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted - like he knows I will always be there, that I will always do things for him. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a doormat.

 

Any advice at all? How do I stand up for myself when I am so used to just agreeing with him?

 

This might be simplistic advice, but I would first consciously sever that part of your brain which links doing things for him with love. Being a doormat and perpetuating inequality in a relationship corrupts love, it doesn't strengthen it. Setting standards of what you expect will make your relationship last longer, surely, cause no resentment or taking for granted will be allowed to grow. Each time you do things for him which he takes for granted, you corrupt him too. Stop it.

 

Love him, but don't show it by doing helpful things for him. That will make you a doormat, and he will respect you less. That's not good for either of you. And look inside and try to find your inner dominatrix, and start giving directions to him in order for him to play an equal part so that the doormat thing never happens again. I think if he's developed some bad habits and expectations of you doing things for him, you might need to be a bit bossy in order to speed up the learning process for him that you're not going to do those things anymore. Tough love.

 

I know it's not that simple. I'm probably jumping ahead of things. If you're used to agreeing with him, then you need to do things which establish your psychological independence from what he says. That's a long journey. I could go on.... but I don't know the specifics of your situation so I'll leave it at that.