Something funny

I know it's about rebuilding myself, that's what I've been focusing on. But recently, as I've been feeling that I'm making progress, the thought just struck me; when is SHE ready? I really hadn't thought much about that before.

I basically know what I should do to try to regain my ex, but the problem is that I don't know when to strike. Some people say I should wait even for so long as five months to really let her miss me, others say I should strike within two and three months (that would be in the coming month) to avoid her moving on too far.

We were together for 3½ years and I was her first real love; needless to say it was a very serious relationship, so I don't think she'll forget about it very quickly. But on the other hand, five months is a long time and who knows what could happen in that timeframe. While I'm getting ready for reestablishing contact she might have already moved on completely.

Right now, it has been two months since the breakup and one month of no contact. Should I be looking at resuming contact or continuing on? Is five months too much? Is two months too little?

And yeah, is the first contact after No Contact a real make-or-break situation, or could I check out how she reacts and maybe use more NC afterwards? Damn this is tricky..

Also, I know that NC is mostly about building up myself, but not completely. It's also about making someone miss you, and that part is hard to time correctly.

Right, I'll wait a couple more weeks.

And by the way, I HATE having mutual friends. I've posted about it before, but we have this mutual friend who's always acting discouraging about us getting back together. Now, in any normal scenario, I should probably believe her, but I know for a fact that she doesn't WANT us to get back together, even if she won't admit it (it's a complicated story). Also, I just want to disconnect myself from the ex for some time, and having mutual friends means that I can't avoid hearing about her and stuff all the time, even though I've told my friends that I don't want to hear anything.

But anyway, a couple more weeks should do the trick. I'm going to Paris to party with an old friend in a week or so; that should cheer me up somewhat.

Well I should wait a bit more then. A month ago I wouldn't have been able to handle rejection at ALL. I would have crawled up in a corner and died. Now I know I can handle it, but I'm still really worried about it. Some more time will probably make me feel more confident. At least I'm making progress!

And flowers? What kind of flowers then? Red roses would be a big no-no, WAY too obvious.

I think I am, but it's so hard to tell. I still have good and bad days.

I'd like to call, but maybe that'd be too pushy (naturally depending on what I say). Or maybe a card, but that feels so intangible. Somehow, I don't think she expects me to call, and that's why I'd like to do that. But am I ready? I don't really know.. now I'm just rambling.

I DID however ask her to give me more time to get things straight. Now a month has passed since she last contacted me, and I feel stronger than I did back then. Should I contact her, or wait even more? Someone here suggested I send a simple card to let her know that the door is open, could that be a good idea?

You're probably right. Last night, I was drunk and told our friend that the ex had dumped me and that I hated her. Not very smart, but I don't think she will tell my ex. She even told me that "you're only saying that because you're drunk". And I did say it laughing, so I don't think think there's too much damage.

But what about that drawing? Isn't that a little bit strange? Or is she just keeping it as a memento of sorts? Well, it's probably the latter. I'm answering my own question.

I don't know if these things actually mean anything, but they're really bugging me.

- Last night when I was out partying, I bumped into an old friend of mine and the ex's. We talked for a little while, and she was completely shocked by the fact that my ex had DUMPED me. Turns out, my ex have been telling everyone that we mutually ended the relationship. Why would she do that when it's an outright lie? I've heard of people doing it the other way around, but never like this.

- Back when I accidentally met my ex in town about a month ago, I happened to see her wallet (she was carrying it in her hands). And to my surprise, it was still adorned by a cute drawing I made for her long ago (with hearts and everything). I found it so strange that she hadn't removed it; it's not like it was tucked away inside of the wallet, it was right in your face the moment you opened it.

Does anyone understand this?

Yeah, it's a delicate balance I guess. And of course no strategy can force someone to come back, but I do believe that some are better than others, and that one can often use external advice in situations like this since one's judgment is often clouded by emotional storms.

At the same time, I guess that technically, the chances for us getting back together are fairly large. I was her first real love, we were together for several years, I know she still cares about me and that she's still physically attracted to me and she hasn't found anyone else yet, as far as I know. But even so, some strange gut instinct tells me that this won't work. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but something tells me we just won't get back together. Maybe it's just pessimism, maybe it's some sort of emotional safety mechanism, maybe it's true. But I'll be damned if I never tried.

GeeCee, that's a very interesting comment. The general concensus on this board seems to be "the more NC the better". It's not everyday you see comments pointing out that waiting for too long might be harmful to the cause.

So, maybe I should send that card sometime soon.

I think you're also right. However, a cute/funny card - wouldn't that come off as a little pushy? I really don't know, I've never sent a card in my entire life! Maybe it's not such a bad idea. She's moved to a new apartment recently, maybe I should send something congratulating her to her new place. Hmm.

Still, there's something I like about having the ball in my court, it keeps me from constantly checking my phone and mail in hopes of her contacting me. But having to make the next move is also problematic.

Anyway, I'll wait at least a couple more weeks.

Thanks, that's some good advice. I don't think I'll send a letter though, I sent a pretty good and complete letter two weeks after the breakup, so sending another one would feel a little awkward. I think I'll just keep rebuilding myself for another month or so, working, partying, excercising, travelling and such. There's no reason to hurry.

Alright, I'll wait more. I guess there's no point in being impatient. One more month of NC, and I'll see where I stand at that time.

It's been about two months since my ex dumped me, and for about one month I've been doing No Contact. I told myself earlier that I'd contact her next week, but now I'm not so sure about that anymore. I feel like maybe I should wait even more. At this point, I feel more emotionally stable than before; I know that I might never get her back and I can live with that, but I still feel lonely and I'm afraid that not enough time has passed since our breakup. I still want her back though.

Should I wait a few more weeks, maybe a month? Last time we spoke I basically told her not to call me, and that I'd keep in touch when I felt like a whole person again. So I don't think she'll contact me, even if she wants to. The ball is sort of in my court, but I don't know when to play it. I fear that if I wait TOO long, she'll have forgotten about me completely. But then again maybe not? Argh, I don't know what to do.

Nah, if you feel that way there has to be something about it. I have the same feeling, but the other way. I hope and know that we might get together again at some point, but for some intangible reason it feels like we won't. I guess I'm just a pessimist.

Sounds nice.. But how much of no contact would be "normal"? I'm talking in terms of weeks, months, years?

Well it's not so strange really, is it? I guess they're surprised we're not hounding after them and they want to know why and what's up. Losing them is hard for us, but losing us isn't that easy for them either, I guess.

Well, from my experience and from what I've heard from friends, women actually do that much more often - even though men can do it too.

How did you act when you met her last time? Were you very confident and independent? Did you ask her about the relationship? You know, if she still saw that clingy, unconfident person, maybe you still haven't recovered and become independent. I think that you need to make that change within you and come back as a totally different man, brimming with strength and happiness - even MORE so than you were the two first years you were dating.

Yeah I guess you're right. It will probably fade away after some time.

Ravens,

I can really relate to that annoying element of a person in the middle trying to "steer things off". My and my ex's good mutual friend is always trying to tell me that "it's not worth it", "she doesn't care" and stuff like that. I know that she (the friend) is also trying to pursuade my ex into moving on and forgetting about me. So damn annoying. I've tried talking to her about it, but she's slippery as an eel and won't admit to trying to sow bad seeds between me and my ex, even though my ex has even TOLD me that our friend is telling her to move on and stuff. Every time I bring it up with the friend, she's always acting discouraging, really trying to keep us apart. You see, that friend is dating MY best friend, and she'd think it'd be a pain in the ass for her if me and my ex got back together. Argh, it's so selfish! I hate it.

Yeah, that's the thing. I can just tell that she's doing it to run from something. It's so obvious; it's like she's just trying to ignore the way she feels (depressed, lonely, unsure of herself?). I guess I just have to talk to her and get under her skin, so to speak. When I feel ready and independent, that is. Maybe the façade will fade away in time. I mean, even if she still wants to be my friend she wouldn't have to act so shallow (insecure) around me.

Oh of course that's possible. But having known her for more than six years, I know when she's putting up a façade and when she's being honest. And here she's not being honest.

I mean, she's probably telling me she wants to be friends because - yeah - that's what she wants. But that's not what's bothering me, it's that "everything is perfect" façade that's killing me. That she's just acting like nothing happened and that everything is just great.

A lot of the posts here seem to be about broken relationships where in many cases, the ex doesn't want to talk at all, hangs up the phone and doesn't reply to emails. Now I would see that as sort of a sound reaction since there are still strong feelings at work. And on the other hand, it's obviously not a good sign, since it's all about the wrong feelings.

What if the ex holds a façade of complete niceness, keeping everything very friendly and platonic? My ex has contacted me a few times wanting to be friends, and she's keeping some kind of happy front where everything is A-OK, even though I know that she's feeling unstable on the inside. She's sent me emails like "Hi, how are you?!" with smileys and stuff, always ending them with "I hope we can be friends soon". My replies have sort of mirrored hers, with the same happy tone, but with me telling her that I need more time.

I can't stand this damn shallow front she's showing me. Is there any good way of breaking it down somehow? When I finally do contact her (I promised her to do so when I felt I was "ready") I don't want to get into a conversation about the past relationship. I just want to go behind the façade and talk to her as a person, not just a made-up front.

I guess it's insecurity forcing her to act like this towards me, that she's still afraid of the feelings that might remain inside her. It's probably easier to act like someone else in such situations.

But how do I deal with that? How do I break down the façade?

- Spend time, party with non-mutual friends

- Excercise

- Meet new people

That's what works best for me.