Something funny

I thought I had come a long way. But when I bumped into my ex the other day, I realized the progress I'd made over the past month was not nearly enough. I was paralyzed and lost for words. And I'm not the person who usually gets nervous in ANY situation. I felt like those monkeys you see on animal planet, where one monkey brings his head down and admits that he's "not worthy" to another monkey. I simply wasn't ready, even though I though I had come a long way.

But how do I know when I'm ready to face my ex as a full person, without turning into a little shaking rabbit as soon as I see her?

- Act happy, strong and independent

- DON'T talk about the relationship, unless she brings it up. If she does, act cool and understanding. Do not get into an argument. Just agree with her.

- Be nice and a LITTLE bit flirty. But don't make it obvious. Just look her in the eyes and smile, stuff like that. No pushy stuff. Just smile a lot.

- You don't have to, but try to be the one to end the conversation. But do it on a good note, remember, ending the conversation prematurely is a way to make her want more.

You attitude should be like "I really like you, but I don't need you".

That basically it. A warning though: it's a lot easier said than done. I knew how to act when I was to confront my ex, but when it happened out of the blue, I was caught off-guard and didn't know what to say. This WILL be hard if you haven't had some time to move on from the old broken relationship (1-3 months perhaps?).

Hm, I guess I'll try my best. Either way, this is going to take a while..

So basically.. if two persons are "compatible", a good friendship could easily turn into a relationship?

Well I know that physically and chemically, we are a perfect match, mainly because we've always loved eachother's smells. You know, smelling the other person's neck and feeling like you're getting high. I think it's called pheromones, and ours mix perfectly.

But is that enough?

Yeah, but there's a saying that once you've become friends with a woman, there's no possibility of having an affair with her. That it's a bit of a one way street. Now I don't know if that saying is true.. but I do know that it's hard to advance from being a woman's friend to becoming her lover, a lot harder than it is for a woman to "climb" a man's "ladder".

I've seen a lot of great tips and hints for getting back together, and I sincerily believe that they work in most scenarios. But most of them don't seem to take this into account - how to avoid falling into the "friendship quicksand".

So, once you re-initiate contact with your ex, how do you make sure you don't just end up as very good friends? Or can you work your way from friends to lovers again? What do you think?

Thanks for the posts. Really. It means a lot.

My god, why does it have to be so hard? I wish I could just undergo a lobotomy to get her out of my head. Well, I guess I'll just have to suffer through one more month and see what happens after that. Gotta get stronger.

I mean, I know she has some feelings for me still, and I know that I have tons for her. Why does it have to be so complicated? If I could just go down to her level. That would make it so much easier. But I guess that's what time will do for me. I just hope she hasn't slipped away too far by then...

I bumped into my ex on the street today. Not really my meaning, but I knew I was playing with fire walking around where she works around the time she gets off.

Jeez, what a shock. You think you'd be able to handle just a simple conversation now after a month, but at that time when I saw her, all my progress temporarily became nothing. My brain just froze. I became paralyzed. For a moment, my brain ceased to function.

Then we spoke. I was shaking but managed to get a hold of myself. First she commented on my new hair color, and said she had (already!) changed hers several times, before changing back. She asked me about work, and I replied that I'll work until I go to Japan this summer. Then I told her that I was going climbing today (which was a small lie - I was originally supposed to go climbing today, but it's been postponed a week). She asked me about that, and told me she was going home to later go jogging. I was going to end the conversation, but she beat me to it. Lastly, she asked me to keep in touch, and I replied with the same thing. The good bye-hug felt so bizarre. It was like trying to hold a ghost.

I don't know how long we talked. Maybe 30 seconds. Maybe a minute. Maybe more. Time just ceased to exist and I was sucked into some sort of vacuum. It felt like some sort of parallel dimension. I managed to smile most of the time, even though my heart was screaming in pain. She smiled too. Jeez, she was so beautiful. My mind really was in shock. I wanted to scream, to run away or just faint. I wanted to kiss her, punch her (?), hold her. I wanted to tell her that I love her. I wanted to act casual and unaffected. I wanted her. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to touch her face. I wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted to never have met her. I wanted so much. But all I could do was stand there talking, trying not to break down.

Afterwards, I was still in shock. My mind was empty. The world around me went on, but I didn't hear or see anything. I felt like I was underwater - all the sounds and noises seemed muffled and distant. I'm still shaken by all this. It was such an intense moment, even though nothing actually happened. I can't believe a man can have so much feelings for a simple biological organism consisting mostly of water.

This shows I still have a long way to go before being able to confront her again. Damn it. Maybe another month will do the trick - after all, it's only been one month since we broke up. I'll just keep on plugging the No Contact stuff until I really do feel much stronger.

But my question is - do you think this made a negative or postitive impact on my plans? On the positive side, I know I already look much better, and she couldn't have helped noticing that. And reminding her of my existence can't be all bad. But on the downside, she could probably tell that I was really nervous, even though I was doing my best to hide it. What do you think - bad or good? Any additional comments?

I still dream about the day I'll return as a new man and sweep her off her feet. I know I really shouldn't; it feels like a forbidden thought, since I'm not sure if it's even possible. If she knew I was dreaming about that, I'd be ashamed. I'm supposed to be strong and independent. I'm not supposed to dream about getting back with her.

But still, that dream is my driving force. It's what makes me get up in the morning. And yet, I'm so afraid of my hopes getting crushed.

Off to sleep again. Why can't I just enjoy the amazing life I have? Why is my heart so against me?

Hm, that's an interesting idea. It's a bit in-your-face though. Maybe I'll try some kind of variation of it, something a bit sneakier. Maybe not saying "hey, this isn't working" straight out. If I do that, she will be pressed to make a decision, and then we'll end up at the breaking point again. I think I have to be more subtle.

By the way, when it comes to No Contact - how long is too long? I was her first real love, and we were together for 3½ years. It won't just take a couple of months for the feelings to fade away completely, will it?

I'm thinking I should make my moves within 1-2 months time. We broke up about a month ago. My impatience is wearing away at me, some days I feel like just calling her, but I know I mustn't. I have to keep my cool.

Well, yeah, that's what this thread was originally about. How to avoid friendship in favor of love. I still wish I had the answer to that question. I think the No Contact stuff plays an important part in walking that fine line.

But the problem is that if you act openly romantic, then the ex will "fly away" as in that bird analogy. She will realize what is going on and act in panic. I mean, how do you seduce someone without the person knowing it? I knew that if me and my ex met for a talk, she would be very defensive from the start. If we were at a bar, she would refrain from drinking alcohol just to be able to keep her judgment intact. She knows that she's still unsure, and she's afraid of falling back in love with me. That's why I have to play her heartstrings very subtly - and that might be the biggest challenge of all. She still has love left in her heart for me, and I know that it scares her.

I guess I have to show her that I'm somebody new. That could make her dismantle her defense somewhat. But on the other hand, she's a very stubborn person and her will could easily triumph over her feelings.

Well, I guess I don't have to solve that problem right now. I guess time will give me the answer. Right now, I can't do much anyway.

Damn, I'm going into a down phase again. Gotta keep my spirit high, along with my hope. If I cave in, not only will she be lost to me, my own sanity will also suffer a major setback.

Anything can happen. I have to believe in that. I have to be strong. I can't give up now. Some excercise would do me good. A few pushups wouldn't hurt - and yeah - I'm finally going climbing this week. I hope. Do you guys know anything about yoga being good or not? Me and a friend are thinking about trying it..

Damn, you know, my life really looks great on the outside. New job, great future, I'm moving, lots of girls trying to pick me up, lots of friends. I don't think my life has ever been this good. On the outside. But on the inside, the shards of my broken heart still float around, wounding me from within. It's so irrational. It's so stupid. Why can't I just stop thinking about her? What makes her so special compared to the rest of the three billion girls in world? Why can't I stop loving her? Be still my heart.

Maybe, just maybe, we really are meant for eachother. If that indeed is true, we will be together again. Only time will tell.

So she responded to my reply faster than I thought, but the contents of the email was just the way I thought it was going to be. She said that we should wait more before talking - which is fine by me. We mustn't rush. Although she DID add "I really want you to be happy" at the end. I think she might be softening up a little bit, but we still have a long way to go before I can start trying to reel her in again. I have to walk a fine line and keep playing my cards right.

I replied that I'm doing fine at my new job and that I'm happy. I thought about writing about my new hobbies and such, but that seemed like a little too much. I'll wait with those tidbits for later.

As I stated, my next project is to "bump into her" on the street. I'll pick a sunny day when I'm feeling good. Maybe this week. Maybe next week. Maybe the week after that. I don't think she'll contact me for another couple of weeks, which gives me room to plan.

So I sent the email, with my new flashy job title embedded in the signature. Heh.

The next step in my strategy is to "accidentally" bump into her on her way from work (as I stated, I live close to where she works, so it wouldn't seem weird or anything). I'll have to pick a day when I feel and look good. That way I'll be able to show her my new look and how I can take distance with a charming smile. I just want to quickly remind her of what she's missing. After that I'll use a little more No Contact before making my next move, or until she makes one. I have to be patient and wait for my sly manipulation to take effect. Rushing in head on would blow everything.

I think this plan might work. My only big fear is that she's going to find someone else during the No Contact period. But I can't plan with that in mind. If that happens, all bets are off.

Now I have trouble with my new apartment that I'm supposed to move to. I won't know for sure if I can move in until 10 more days. Damn! Since I know she's moving too, it would feel like a real letdown for me to stay in the same place. I really needed to get away from this old apartment, since it's so full of memories of me and my ex. Every time I ride the elevator up I'm reminded of how we used to make out in there, for example. I really hope I can move soon - finding another apartment would take months, and that doesn't feel right. I want change now!

I went out partying yesterday, with our mutual friend. But halfway through the evening, we had to part ways since she was going to see my ex. It felt so weird, hearing "you can't come, because she [my ex] is going to be there". After 3 ½ years of seeing eachother constantly, it's kind of weird that she's the only person in the world that I just CAN'T see. The world is a strange place indeed.

I'll send my reply to her mail today. Tomorrow she'll read it - but if I know her right (and I know I do) she'll wait a few days before responding, just for the sake of it. And the funny thing is, I already know exactly how her reply is going to look. She's going to write "okay, I see that you're a bit torn apart right now, maybe we can talk again in a month or so". The pattern, it's so..

..predictable.

No, not lesbian twins. Not that good. The twins seem to be competing for my affection, and the lesbian was another girl.

Coldcompress, I think you should still try to keep some distance, and show her that you don't need her. Make it seem like you're a man torn between love and freedom. Show her that SHE's not the only one making a decision - YOU are too. Tell her that you're simply not sure if you want to be her friend after all this. Tell her that you're unsure. Tell her that YOU need more time. It's important that you make HER wait. That way the balance will slowly tip over in your favor. She IS uncertain (even if she doesn't show it), but instead of focusing solely on her uncertainty, you need to move the spotlight over to your decision. That will probably make her realize that she can't just take you for granted, and that's an important piece to the puzzle. She expects you to want her, and frankly that makes you boring in her eyes. But if you start doubting openly, she'll have to rethink the situation. That will make her realize that she can't just keep you as a backup plan - and that will in turn make her more attracted to you. Will it be enough? I have no idea. But I'm confident this strategy will work to some extent at least.

I had a strange revelation today by the way.

Right when I was sitting plannning my email to my ex, the two twins that I mentioned earlier sent me a flirty text message on my cell. Suddenly, I had this awkward feeling - do I really want my ex back? I mean, I love her SO MUCH I could go crazy, but at the same time, I thought about something else. If we got back together, there would be no more fooling around with twin models, no more making out with Italian women at 5AM in the morning and no more setting dates with lesbian girls. What I feel for my ex is love. I know that. I love her more than anything else. But that love is contrasting with freedom. Right now, I'd pick love over freedom, but I'm still amazed that I was struck with this feeling.

It wasn't a feeling of wanting her LESS, it was just a feeling of wanting something else TOO. I feel like I'm beginning to be torn between two worlds, two ideals, two modes of living. Not yet though, I might be wrong. I'm not sure. AARRGH I just don't know what I really want. It's so confusing. But maybe that's a good thing. I don't know.

Langeveldt, hang in there. Don't lose hope. Be patient and make sure you keep getting stronger. Impatience is your worst enemy. I promise - in due time, both you and me will have control of our situations. We just have to be patient and strategic. And strong.

I've decided to keep my reply short. I'll simply state that it's nice hearing from her, that I've been busy and that I just don't know what I want right now.

She wants me to make her feel secure by being her friend, but I won't do that. I can't do that. By doing that I think I'd basically blow my chances of getting together with her later on. I need more time to grow and to become someone else. I also need to give her time to reflect - and essentially - time to miss me. If I return too soon, she'll still be in a defensive position. Time is my weapon, and I need to learn to use it.

This is how I'm planning to write my mail (translated from Swedish) - please come with any suggestions - I won't send it for a couple of days. She can only check her email on weekdays anyway.

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Hi!

Nice to hear from you! Sorry for my late reply, I've had too much to do. I'm almost in over my head. I hope you'll like your new apartment. =) (she's moving next month)

I don't know really what I want right now, I feel a bit torn apart. But losing contact would be a shame.

Take care,

[sIGNATURE]

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Comments? Suggestions? Should I add something, delete something? Bring on the opinions! I'm thinking about adding a "keep in touch!" after "a shame" - is that too much? I'm really being a perfectionist here, haha. Please comment!

Okay, she just sent me a semi-long email. She basically writes that she's thinking a lot about me, and that she wants to be friends.

But what the HECK do I reply with? I know I shouldn't be too fast with my reply, and I know I shouldn't write a long email.. but what do I write? Should I write about that I've been busy, that I'm getting a new job, partying, making new friends, taking up new hobbies, etc? Or should I keep it even shorter than that? Damn, it'd been so much easier if we had actually MET on the street or something, emails are so distant.

Help, help, help!

I wish I had any advice. I wish I knew just that bit actually - how to act when the No Contact period is ending. I think the point is to make her doubt that she could get you back if she wanted. At that point she'll realize that SHE's the one missing out, not you.

A clever friend of mine told me that when someone breaks up violently - instead of letting the relationship cool down before parting, giving the other part a second chance etc - that someone is more or less consciously making sure he/she can return if he/she changes her/his mind. That's what makes it so much easier being the one who breaks up, instead of being the one who's dumped. By being the one breaking up, you're giving yourself the possibility of going back. It's essentially a very selfish and cowardly tactic.

What we have to do is to see through that tactic, and act like they don't have that possibility anymore. Only that will make them realize what they have done, and only then can they make a real decision. A battle must be fought with both sides having equal conditions, without cowardly stabs in the back. That's why we have to be strong - to be able to face them on their level, under their conditions.

I just read the "bird" analogy, and it seems sound, except for it being a bit fuzzy and unspecific. One thing comes to mind; that I have to be the strong and secure one in order to offer her security. The roles have to be set before the feeding - she has to be the one who needs to be fed, and I have to make it seem like I don't need to give her that food.

I like my cat analogy too - if you hold a kitten too tight, it'll run away, regardless if it likes you or not. But if you just let go, sit still and act like you don't care, the kitten will eventually find a comfortable place in your lap, or - in the worst case scenario - run away anyway. But squeezing it tighter won't work, that'll just make the kitten run away sooner or later. It has to feel comfortable on it's own.

Damn, I'm tired, and to tell the truth, I'm pretty drunk (2 AM over here). Gotta get up early tomorrow.. *sigh*

I just wish I wasn't as madly in love as I am now. My phase of needing is soon over I think, and it's being replaced by wanting. I'm starting to feel like I don't need my ex. I just want her. I really want her.

I always used to get introvert during depressions. But I'm really glad this whole crisis - the most painful one ever - has made me extrovert instead of introvert. Talking to friends and posting here about my thoughts really makes it feel so much better. Just letting the same old murky thoughts spin around in my head doesn't make anything better - what really helps is to vent, vent and vent. I just hope people don't get tired of my constant nagging about how I feel.

Good music helps too. Upbeat, happy or hopeful music. I recommend avoiding the sad songs. They might feel right at the time, but trust me, what we need right now is happiness. Smiles. Good friends. Parties. Those things make us strong and independent. And that's what we need. That's what I need. To smile.

One more entry..

I feel a bit better now. Had dinner with my sister, and that cheered me up somewhat. But I'm still in the middle of a slump. I need to get on my feet and keep my vision straight. Easier said than done though.

I should be glad however that I have a network of friends to lean on. It's not nearly the same thing to be able to fall back completely into soft, loving arms, but if I didn't have my friends (and this nice place to vent my emotions) I'd probably be locked up in a a padded cell at a mental institution by now. Or dead.

But I guess what doesn't kill me does indeed make me stronger. I just need to believe that, hard as it may be. And the only chance I have of winning my ex back, as has been stated thousand times on this board, is to be strong. I'm starting to doubt my chances of getting her back, but I must find hope in the fact that anything can happen. People change their minds, and their hearts. Hope is the last thing that leaves us.

Damn.. double post.