blackshaw

After reading my letter to you, I realize what I've really done. Mostly, I enabled you to treat me like sh*t.

So...you're depressed? Or, as you say, I made you depressed. This was one of the reasons I couldn't stay. Oh sure, you can be the one to say you broke up with me. I really don't care about that. I'm just glad to not have to deal with tiptoeing around your moods. "Oh...sweetie? Did I make you upset? I'm so sorry. Please? Please don't leave me. I love you so much you know." Yeah, this is so against what feels right for me. I basically had to plead in hopes of getting you back out of feeling "low". You expected me to do the work for both of us. Why? "You're my rock." You'd tell me. I did so much for you: 1) Every day I told you how much I love you. (There's so much regret in the effort I put into this! You just took it for granted, or when you were in one of your "low" moods thought I was just talking. "Well, show me, then." I could here you saying.) 2) I gave you massages on a regular basis. You rarely gave me any in return. I enjoyed it. But you have massaged me maybe 4 times in the 15 months we'd been together. "But you never asked." I can just hear you saying. True, I rarely asked, you usually fell asleep halfway through my massages. Whatever. I understand if you were tired, and like I said, I enjoy giving a massage. I know it helped you. But this leads to #3.... 3) I yielded so much to your rigid use of time. "Are you serious?" I can just here you saying. In fact, yes. "Oh. My. God." No, you're going to listen to me this time... You obsessed about losing time. Always looking at your watch. You could never really have a late night with me. Oh, you could do it with your girl friends or coworkers at the bar, but never for your boyfriend. We always had to be moving. You could never just sit down at a cafe and talk with me. Everything had to have some purpose in your mind. If we weren't briskly walking somewhere (you 3 feet or so ahead of me), you were ready to just head back and be in for the evening. Really? is wrong with just taking a moment to decide on something fun and spontaneous for the night? Yes, it's true I love time at home a lot, but do we really have to be back so early? No, you are NOT going to just leave and stop listening to me. I have MORE to say... 4) I picked up the tab most of the time. I'd take you to trendy restaurants. Oh, and groceries for our dinner projects? Yes, you always texted me those lists. (that was pretty fun, actually) You'd tell me you were going to pay me for the groceries. But did you? You know the answer to that one. What? You would have paid if I just asked? Really? Perhaps I should have asked. But some of this goes back to some major insecurities I was feeling early on in our relationship, that's #5... 5) I stuck around even after you went out to dinner with a guy friend, without me. Yeah, that fat-assed 40-year old DJ friend of yours. And what are you doing hanging out with a guy who's engaged? Ah..his fiance knows? "Are you serious?! You are being ridiculous!" I can just hear you saying. Of course you can have friends. But really? Do you really think this guy wants to eat dinner with you without any kind of ideas in his head? My god, I don't even want to think about what may have already happened! The issue here was that you didn't even invite me. "Do you really think I'm just a with no self-control?" You're very skilled at turning things around to put others in the defensive. I didn't call you that, and if self-control is really an issue, you're implying that there's an impulse. Hmm. Here's what I have to say to that: You're 24, and you can't even stand up to your mom when she criticizes you. And then, you have those body-image issues. You know, you seem to need attention. Do I really trust that you can maintain self-control when you can't even stand up to those issues? But I'll never forget the time I found out about the day trip you took with him. "But you would've had a fit if I told you." Yeah, well, you should have told me from the beginning. Better yet, were you doing taking a 40-minute trip. Oh. He's taken other friends to this restaurant and it means nothing? Well, even still, you should have given me the respect of not going out alone with a guy friend to some trendy restaurant. And was he doing taking you? He should know better. I don't like wishing bad things on people, but I really hope he continues to get fatter as he ages. Not only will he look more pathetic as he approaches 50 and still DJ's or runs a record shop, but he'll probably have major declines in health. Again, I don't really want to wish bad on people. But it's a fun thought sometimes. This is sh*tty girlfriend behavior. 6) I dealt with your moodswings regularly. It didn't take much for you to fall into one of your "low" moods. You'd blame me for things. Remember that time I rented a car and there was an issue with getting out of the garage? It took, oh idk, 15 minutes to settle it before we could leave. Remember that? And how did you act? You basically criticized me, sulked, decided the night was ruined. You were fine a few hours later. But it took you two days to admit to me "I'm sorry I was short with you." Yeah, well this happened too many times. If you haven't seen a pattern yet, someone else will probably point it out to you. And, once again, you'll probably have a "falling out" with that person. Until you learn some personal accountability, this is just going to keep coming back to you. And not everyone is going to be so nice and yielding to you. 7) I stuck around even after you lied to me. Let's see, there was that bartender you were flirting with. You know? The one you posted that Missed Connection for? What? We weren't "together" yet? You promised exclusivity a month ago. No, I believe you that you didn't do anything, but what if he made further advances? Yes, I guess I was already sensing some red flags. "Why'd you stay with me then." That's your response? I called you on it, at first you acted defensively, playing dumb. Then, you admitted to it. "I was just putting my thoughts out there. I thought he was attractive. People can think someone's attractive without doing anything about it. It's not like I was going to." Ah, but you did. I responded to your post and you eagerly described yourself, right away. Almost faster than you replied to my texts. Yes, it happened a long time ago, but you never gave me any real proof that you stopped this kind of behavior. And then there was the whole webcam issue. Ah! Let's see. You promised it was just an old habit of yours to "pass the time." You promised that you quit. You wanted me to just be better and drop it that same night I found out about it? On my effing Bday? Wow. I can't believe I let that one slide. And you had the nerve to act as though I should have forgotten about it. Again, I needed more proof that you quit this stuff. Really, I should have kicked you to the curb back then. 9) I stuck around even after you took those "breaks". Okay, let's see. One of them happened after that bearded bartender incident. Supposedly I made you depressed and treated you like sh*t for calling you on it, really? Oh, because I was acting on my insecurities. Wow. You really had a way of turning things around. It's amazing how I stuck around after that. Then, there was that time I was worried about you leaving on Saturday to go "hang out" with that 40-year old aging DJ friend of yours, whom I'd never met. I expressed some worry. OK, I realize we weren't officially in a relationship yet. But we were exclusive. I had a right to be concerned. Your reaction: you blew up, you got inappropriately mad at me, voice quivering, you stomped out and refused to let me walk with you as you left. Then, a week later, you had the nerve to tell me I just let you walk alone! Once we were together, as boyfriend/girlfriend, you broke up with me because of my attempt to discuss something with you, yes, it was about trust. You got upset. Admittedly, I said a few things that hurt your feelings, and you blew up, called this a "fight" and decided it was time to break up. 10) I put up with your secretiveness. In should have given you an ultimatum, something along the lines of: If you want to stay with me, I need to see your texts and your Facebook messages. It's true I was struggling with trusting you. The hope and chemistry between us was strong. Your talk of moving in with me, and your creative input (I'll hand you that) in making my place more homey kept me thinking we were moving towards something. You talked of marriage and kids. But then, one little unpleasant mood, and all of that may as well have been thrown away. And yet, you'd have the nerve to tell me that I had little faith in our relationship. Wait, I stuck around all this time - a year and a half - and you accuse me of this. Well, you're probably right here, I realize now that I've had major trust issues in you all this time. And now that I spell it all out, I can see the obvious: You were a sh*tty girlfriend. 11) I always ended up doing the dishes. You did the dishes once after one of our meals. You'd claim you cooked for me. Okay, I can say you did the majority of it. But really, it's not like you did all of it. I frequently did all the chopping and slicing. Sure, you found the recipes. And you'd act like executive chef. Okay, we can agree you did cook for me alot. But sometimes I cooked for you. Never would you do the dishes. You were always too tired. Know what? Me too. But you'd never make the time in the morning to do them either. So, I'd end up doing them the next day. This is so symbolic of the dynamic of our relationship. I had to pick up the slack while you'd get the credit. 12. I stuck around even when you failed to see how much I did for you. I really don't like wishing bad things on people. But, I really hope you have some kind of rude awakening. You seem to have NO idea how patient I was with you. Oh, so I said a few hurtful things? You know what? People say hurtful things. Take a good look at the 12 things I've listed here. Yeah, I've put up with a lot of BS. And yet, you accuse me of being sh*tty? I really hope you have some kind of rude awakening. True, it's painful to think of you with someone else, falling for someone, completely giving yourself to them. But I dare you to try and get in another relationship. It's just going to happen all over again. You'll either get a guy whom you walk all over and he'll get fed up. Or you'll go through a series of hookups. Hey, that's what you did before I met you. Don't judge? Yeah, you're right, I don't think you really have any morals. I'm glad to be rid of you. I hope you learn just how horrible you were to me. If nothing else, you're going to be a slave to your moods. No one can really put up with that for any extended period of time. Maybe you will die alone?