anotherlove

I have so much anger. So much. Havent I been clear to you all this while? Why did you have to lead me on for your own self fish reasons? I guess I am angry at myself for having given you that clean chit to control me. I have so much to do at work today. I cannot concentrate. You know what a big day, the day after is. But I just can'nt seem to concentrate. I am sure in all this, you would be blaming it on the world and the victim that you are. But can you just wake up and see the world. Strangely, it also has others besides you. I hate this feeling. I dont even know what the feeling for you is any more. But I hate this. Folks at work have no clue what is going on in my head. I am pretending to smile. Its lunch time. We used to go out every day. Are you going to call?

Anytime! I hope you managed to slip through the night. I realize in this journey, each day only makes us more stronger and happier than the previous day. Have a great week end!

I feel numb. I was stronger infront of you yesterday. As much as I would not have answered your call, I was hoping you would call. That would just make me feel better that I was in your thoughts. But apparently, you decided not to. Or no body would have pissed you today so you need'nt have to have me to say, its going to be ok like I always have to assuage you. The feeling that I am drifting away is sinking in me. That does not make me feel good. Folks at home, keep asking me why I look so dull. I dont have an answer. They are trying their best to cheer me, but little do they know what could actually bring a smile. I feel bad for them. But they try something you never did. Why did I never see that. How could I have been so blind.

Its Easter, the entire family is home and happy. But all I can do is think about you. I know, I wanted NC. But every time the phone rings, I run expecting if it would be you. When did I get involved in this so much. You must be having a great week end. well, good for you. I am so close to text you to check how could you just forget like I dont exist and have the audacity to call when you have some thing to share. Do you see what you are doing to me? Havent I told you, I cannot be friends with you. It hurts me way too much to hear you talk about others in your life. I am just waiting for a few hours to pass so I can sleep, the only place where I seem to find some peace.

You must be wondering, why I didnt extend our conversation this aternoon beyond that 4 mins. I wish underneath all that smile and laughter you could see how craving I was for you to be there. I forced myself to be with a few friends just to take my mind off you and you had a call to ruin all that despite my asking you for NC. I know it was just a casual call for you when you were bored, but do you not realize I wait the entire day for such calls. Why do you continue doing this to me. Have I not done enough and helped you get married? why do you continue to torture me by pretending to be just friends. I still cannot understand, how you can have feelings for me and yet can say, I dont love you. But the truth is, I do. I wish I know how to breathe normal. I wish I could smile genuinely.