djehuty3

I thought I saw your brother on the tube, today. I spent the whole thing petrified that he was going to talk to me, but at the same time I kind of wished he would. He saw me looking, though, so I stopped. He got off at the next stop. When I got back to where I'm staying this evening, I looked him up on facebook. It wasn't him. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or depressed. And then I did something really stupid. I kept looking through his pictures. Of course he had ones of you. I forgot how beautiful you were. Not even in this sexual way (although I have been remembering that, lately- I started reading Lulu again for audition material and to maybe put it on when I get home, but reading it, all I can think of is you). You have this weird, ridiculous, silly grace thing going on that I completely forgot about. The you your friends got to see all the time. ****ing god damn it. Worst part is, I must have known he'd have photos of you up. Your family are so tight knit, I must have seen it coming. And I kept looking anyway. I still miss you.

I'm in London now, looking at my Masters. Jesus Christ, this whole city reminds me of you. I hate that, by the way- I should be able to get on the tube and not really, really wish I was on it like we were on that last day two years ago, with my arm around you, making jokes about everything and eating Jess's sandwiches. All day I wandered around thinking about you. I kept trying to push it aside. News flash. Didn't work. I miss you. I really do.