Spartan1

Rich,

You have to do what I done mate. It's tough. It's hard.

Stay calm. Walk away. Give her a farewell smile.

If she wants you she will come after you in the months to come. If not, then re-build yourself.

My decree nisi came through on the 18th March and by the 1st May I will divorced.

occasionaly, in the quiet hours when I lay in bed, when I feel alone and you have that feeling that you will never fall in love again, the feeling that you are unlovable. I shed a tear. But that's it. If you dwell on it for to long it screws you up. You can only afford to mourn and be weak for so long. You don't move on.

The hardest thing I had to do was just walk away, harder still was staying calm. I wanted to yell at the sky, I wanted to turn back time, I planned out conversations that I hope would hit that magic "yes, lets give it one more try" I loved my wife as much now as I did nine years ago when we fell in love.

In reality. She lost that loving feeling for whatever reason. I hate it, I am skeptical of love. I now systematically destroy the good memories and enhance the bad ones. I have to.

But I am stronger now. This is not about me but I hope in reading what I and others have had to do you will gain the strength that you can do the same and you are not alone.

Stay calm. Walk away. Dignified farewell. Maybe in the future you can meet up but for now, you got to re-build mate. You got to be strong, find new interests, go through the motions of loss.

But come out stronger and come out fighting for your life. Do not let her dictate your life from this day onwards.

You can do this Rich.

Stay calm. Walk away. Don't say anything you will regret. Make no promises. Re-build.

But only if you feel you cannot take it any more. If you can take the pain, do what you feel is right.

I have never been a great social animal. A bit shy really. Loss of words when it comes to small talk.

However...

People are interesting. Once you get talking to them and once you begin to ask them questions, listen to their replies and re-discover the art of conversation.

There is so much going on in the world. If only you could open your eyes that one time. I know the feeling, the HUGE effort it takes to drag yourself out to see some friends but the equally huge depression that takes place if you don't go and there is just you in the room with the TV.

You sound a really nice person. Someone who was once outgoing because you didn't really think about what made you tick. If you want to get back to being social and happy to be social do not focus on the problem or the reasons why you are cutting yourself off from society.

Instead, focus your efforts on meeting people. Sit down and chat to your boyfriend, find out what is going on his mind. Ask him to go out for a drink, do different things if you can.

For the sheer hell of it I phoned up a friend I hadn't spoke to for a year and kind of lost touch. We got chatting, met up and had a beer down the pub. He introduced me to some of his friends, I introduced him to some of mine and so on. Keep branching out, take and interest in everything around you - there are stories to be told, embrace life and all its wonders.

Think of it this way. How can you make next week different from the week you just had? Same old, same old only changes when you take that risk to get back on the social scene step by step.

Treat it like your own project which no one knows about. That's what I done. Make it an art to remember names as well. Nothing breaks the ice on a second meeting than saying "Hey (insert name), how things been?". And smile, not a big cheesy grin, but a happy, glad to be here smile.

Good luck lass.

Best way to let a guy down is to use the classics:

"Your a really nice guy but..."

Believe me, before you ever reach the word but, 99% of guys know exactly what is coming next. (...but I see you as more of a friend...but I do not feel any spark..I think we should be just friends...etc)

It is the most hated phrase in singledom, however, it is always better to be upfront in a nice friendly manner or a firm manner if they don't take the hint.

When you meet up.

Smile. It is going to kill you inside especially if things go belly up, but you got to smile. Be up beat. Keep it short maybe. Nothing worse than turning up, getting an answer in the first ten minutes having committed yourself to seeing her for the evening. When I met up with my wife at the pub, we talked for two hours about everything and anything except whether we are getting back together. It killed me inside while we chatted. I have never wanted anything more than to hold her close like I had done for nine years, but I could not because the rules had changed. She no longer needed my love because she was happy being a single woman and going out with her single friends.

Rich. Do not lose it like I did when she said it was all over. If she says that, just say ok and walk away. Might be good or bad advice I really don't know. I am no expert. But one thing I learned, emotion and anger can manifest at the very moment when you need control the most.

If you think anger is going to get you, that it will make you say things you would not normally say, then say goodbye and tell her you will give her a call tomorrow and sleep on it (even though you will not sleep).

There again, she could say lets give it a go. So you never know. Either way play it cool.

If things go wrong....

Our mind is our enemy. At times of stress, when we fear the worst, when we sense we are doomed to failure and the future looks bleak, rest assured our mind is there opening the door to our emotions and saying "Let it all out, she is thinking this, she said this, she is playing games, why cannot just shrug this off?". And so it goes on.

You enter the situation and swear to yourself that when you meet you will be calm and collect. But it is difficult, the more you are denied something, the further it seems to slip away, especially if you feel lost them due to your actions. It feels that way at least. It is a dark place to be.

It does not have to be this way though.

When love is rejected it is difficult not to feel intense anger. Frustrated at what could of been, what should of been. And more than anything, it is just pure anger at the entire situation you find yourself in. You are angry at her, angry at yourself and in the end you end up acting in ways that are not you.

The only choice is to walk away. It is hard. Very hard at the start. Especially if you have no one to talk to. But you have to do it. There may well be a time in the future, where you are where she is now. By this I mean, you could get in a relationship long term and then find you want out. You have to stay calm. Dignity is gained from staying calm and walking away. Some people cannot be friends immediately after a breakup, most people infact, sometimes time has to pass by and sometimes it never happens.

You are were I was Rich. When I read your posts I can see the same thoughts, doubts and anger which I felt. In the end, it came down to one thing.

Stay calm, walk away, let the anger ebb away over time and begin to re-build yourself.

It takes time. It is a hard path. It is not about getting over it Rich, its about how you deal with it, day to day, week to week, month to month.

Believe me mate. It is not worth the emotional energy, the loss of apetite, the constant playback of memories of re-scripted conversations and what if's? that are part of getting over someone.

Stay calm. Walk away. And, if you still feel the anger burning inside you, use it constructively - by this I mean do what us blokes do, go to the gym, take up new hobbies and all that getting over it stuff that keeps you ticking along for the next month or so.

Sorry for the long post and half it is not even relevant yet, its just your post brings back memories for me.

Either way, good luck mate. Remember, whatever the result, stay calm. You can do the angry at a later date but not at the time.

Your doing well mate. It is strange how we hit highs and lows when going through a seperation. That bloody "what if she/he says X, W, Z?" drove me completely nuts. Then you go through that whole, writing a conversation in your mind thing.

I hate that. At the end of the day. You have to think to yourself, who is running my life, me or her? You have to play smart which is hard to do when you are in sight of the finish line because you do not really want to go through that last 200 yard dash, you want to be at the finish line now, layed out on the stretcher, with a drink and knowing whatever the answer is - yes or no. You just want to know.

But. And here is the trick. If you can turn that 200 yard run into one of strength so you power accross that line with ethusasium and a beaming smile on your face, knowing you have learnt from the whole experience you will have ten times more confidence.

You can wave at her as you run on past. And you never know, she might just begin to run after you?!? Who knows.

One thing is guaranteed though. Flogging the "finish line" metaporh to death a little bit more - if you run up to the finish line with shoulders hunched, looking tired, emotional and not at your best, even angry at the fact you had to run the race in the first place. You will not be that attractive to her. Show her what she is missing as you bounce accross the finish line.

It's hard to pull off, but I think you can do it. She knows you love her, she knows you have changed, she knows you want to marry her. She knows all that. Think of it this way, imagine if you had sent the letter and you got a nil response or another I skimmed through the letter response? No need to put yourself through that again. And this is coming from a man who, unwittingly sacrificed himself on the Altar of I Have Changed I Want Kids and Family with a miraculous seventeen page letter detailing how I missed her, how I had changed, all the good times, the lot. I done a brillant job of putting up a case for not getting back together because I had covered topics which were not even an issue. Two things I learned, the first was letters are nice when timed right but they have to be done for the right purpose at the right time and for the right reason. Not something that is easy to decide when you are in the situation yourself at the time. The second thing was, reversing your decision while in seperation when you are hoping to get back together, is a game that will only back fire on you. There is little to no point to it unless you really really have no intention, all for the sake of one week?

Keep your chin up Rich. Your doing good mate and as with all things there is probably no right or wrong way to do it. But personally, I just would not go down the letter writing route one week away from the finish line.

Hi Rich,

I can feel for you my friend and can understand were you are coming from. My wife, became cold when she wanted out of "marriage" anyway she could. I will be objective as I can in what little advice I can give you.

First of all. I would advice not to send the letter. I know you feel angry, annoyed that she can treat your feelings with no regard, that she skimmed over something you put your heart and soul into. I know the feeling. There is a frustration that builds up inside when through conscious effort you have improved yourself, to show someone how much you have changed and they just seem emotionally void in response. It feels like she has the power and there is only one way to break that power. The sheer frustration comes from the fact you have changed and they do not believe you or care if you have.

Do not go in reverse. Just leave it be. Stay calm and walk away from the situation if you can. Somehow, through the emotional rollercoaster, you got to set yourself several goals that do not involve her at all. It is difficult but you got to do it. As you said yourself, the last thing you want to do is obsess about it, but that to is a phase most people go through when they don't want to break up.

Think of it this way. Every time she gets a reaction from you concerning the relationship, be it a letter, a phone call, the "have you thought about it?" question...she gains power which means you give a little bit more of yourself away.

Each situation is different. Yours, mine, everyones. But when someone shuts down emotionally it is time to do the same and leave them to get on with it, after all it is their choice to leave the relationship. Keep calm though and don't get angry, it will work against you.

In order to get back on track, it is a question of doing nothing in order to achieve something and that something is re-building yourself.

Sometimes, to get back the feeling of dignity and strength you have to use the strongest form of communication of all and that is by not saying anything and not responding to her actions.

It's like in battle or chess - do not let the enemy decide your actions, stay confident, be nice and keep a smile on your face masking every bit of pain and anger you feel. Everytime you are feeling down, think of how angry you felt when she said she skimmed through the letter, use this strength to focus on yourself and show yourself how you have the strength to live life without her and still have those changes as part of you.

I bet you do send the letter though, having been their myself. Everything cries out to you, that what you are doing you need to do. Do not fall in to the trap of sending her letter after letter, to her they will be a reminder of "not the changes you made" which is how you see it, but "the reasons she left in the first place". I didn't figure it out till the last minute but that's love for you when you are in the situation and not on the outside looking in as I am today.

There is only one week to go. Just let things run their natural course but when the time comes just walk away and stay calm. No point in pre-emting anything because guaranteed, soon as you send the letter, you will feel like you have torpedo any chance you did have, then will reverse again. Why do that? Just stay the course for one more week. If it does not work out, leave with a quiet dignity.

Keep a stiff upper lip as us Brits say.

Best of luck Rich. I hope things do work out for you.

dartanian

People change when they split up. My own wife initially became very cold and distant though six months later she is being ultra friendly again. I have heard so many stories of relationships ending and the person that left seems to show no consideration for the feelings of the other person. There is coldness and there is out right ruthlessness though.

I hate to say it but your Ex sounds like she has become one very cold, ruthless, self serving individual. The more contact you have with her about the breakup the nastier she will become and the more hurt you will feel. She will say anything to justify the breakup, deny conversatons that happened, twist things around, absolutely anything to make her feel justifed. Take it all with a pinch of salt. put a knowing smile on your face, stay calm, stay friendly and walk away from the situation. If your presense at a gig makes her and her boyfriend feel uncomfortable good! If you act happy but always friendly then all the better. They have no right to tell you were you can or cannot go.

You are best out of it. Leave her to it. The very best thing you can do is keep busy and begin to rebuild your life without her. Nothing rubs an Ex up the wrong way faster than when the person they left acts happy. Remember how you felt when you see her being happy with a new guy? Blank her out, don't contact her if at all possible and leave her to her new vain life. Keep in touch with her friends if you like but always be friendly, be the mature one in this.

First true loves can be the hardest to let go. I am doing the same after a nine year relationship, two of which we were married.

This girl will only learn the hard way. As some one has already said. What goes around comes around. You are well and truly the lucky one here. Stay friendly, do not go out your way to communicate with her, be the mature person you obviously are and the very best of luck on the tough emotional rollercoaster you are on.

If you have any hope of wanting to get back with her or rebuildng your life, don't make the break up an issue, see it as an opportunity. Just walk away if at all possible and begin re-building. You might well find, if she does come crawling back you yourself would of healed and moved on to find someone else more appreciative of what you have to offer them in a relationship.

You are doing good Rich. Having been in a similiar situation, were my wife says she needed two months break, no contact and I wanted to show her how much I had changed. I couldn't obviously because I had moved out, so it was all on love.

I wish I could go back and stayed true to the no contact rule. I did not know about it or this website at the time.

Yourself however are doing great. Believe me, however hard it is, push away. Always be nice and understanding and try not to count the days. That is the hardest thing. Not counting the days.

Take pride in each day you do not contact her, each time you succeed at this you are giving yourself more of a chance whilst also healing. You are doing the right thing.

Our minds are the enemy and the what if's I had? that come up.

I wish you the best of luck.