Chalk

Surviving the sky

It's been a while, my dear, but I'm adapting.

Learning to assimilate the rules of the sky.

This cultural shift took time,

And believe me I am not yet fully acclimatized!

At first I made the mistake of grasping at nothing:

I hoped my clawed hands would inadvertently find the ground.

In doing this, I just span faster,

I saw neither ground or sky or planes or clouds.

Tears fell from my eyes and showered those below,

My screams on par with the wind.

(They were angry the ones below who still had you in their lives).

My fitful rage exhausted my body: further movement seemed pointless,

I gave myself to the inevitability of being lost in space.

And in this moment, I noticed my own hands and feet.

I became gracefully aware of my body in the air.

And I laughed, my dearest gravity!

I laughed because*you had told me it was wrong to float and yet here I was enjoying it.

So, for now, I float independently accross the sky,

Occasionally looping the loop and resting on clouds.

Gravity, I do not know where we stand.

Did you truly hold me together or just restrict my movement?

I'm finding it hard to know what to say to you these days as I'm confused about how I feel and what I want. I naively thought that you would never hurt me like this. And you have hurt me. At the time I denied that you had no respect for me & did not appear to care about me. I remembered the person you were in our early years - the boy who wanted to bring home horseshoes from a field by your house & paint them. You listened to me then.

Did I ruin you? Did I treat you poorly? A what point did I just become another factor in your life? At what point did I become the enemy? The things we used to do together in fun & innocence were not fun for you anymore. You simply did not care.

And after I had been your all. Someone you admired & were proud of & wanted to spend time with I became your nothing. My ideas & like were no longer interesting to you but **** because they were associated to me. Why is it that when I wanted to have fun with you and enjoy our life together you just found me boring? When I still found you interesting. I felt so empty when I would be sitting in a cafe with you & you would not care.

I know I am introverted & I like my alone time. Maybe I came accross as aloof or disrespectful.

The thing is, I could not go back to you if you continued to be how you were. In your words we grew apart but it felt like it was you who did the growing away and was left standing there wondering what went wrong. Whatreally hurts is I don't know what changed. I wish I could go back in time but I can't. I wish I could fix how you feel but I can't.

I don't understand your feelings. I don't understand why you were so angry at me & why I became the enemy who 'limited' your life.

I miss you so much. I really want to stop loving you. I was always really proud of you and appreciated that you were mine. Why did you start to hate me?

The question is...do I even want you back? I couldn't take it as you are now. You have become selfish, uncaring & unwilling to see my viewpoints. Yes, you are right you do need to learn to compromise.

I miss the old you before you dehumanized me. I think you are weak for believing the only way to be is strong.

I still love you. I'm sorry about that. I know it would be easier for you if I didn't. I miss arguing with you. I hate my heart.

I know you don't think that we're 'right' for each other and maybe we're not. It doesn't stop me feeling like I'm missing an arm. My mum always said of her love for my dad that there was no romance anymore but comfort. I suppose I was really happy with comfort. I miss you. I miss your face. How can you be so resolute that this is what you want? Do you ever miss me? I miss you just being irritating. Why did you change for the worse? I miss you still. I need to go out & find someone who deserves my love & not someone who wastes it. You're a silly boy. I mean that with love.

Are you watching fireworks tonight? Hope you're enjoying them. I remember going to see fireworks with you this time last year. I really wanted to enjoy them: I was happy at work and had you. You just didn't really want to enjoy them with me.ifyou had been the centre of attention in a big group you would have. But you couldn't with me. YOU SUCK.

So this is why I hope you are having fun without me. Because you broke my heart to do so. It hurts to think of all the Novembers I spent hugging you & watching fireworks.

Stupid iPhone!!

Anyway, I thought I should say your reasons for leaving me just make me sad. You couldn't propose to me while you doubted your love. I agree & I'm glad you didn't. To answer your question if anyone knows if they can love for a lifetime is that they don't. It takes a bit of delusion as no one knows the future. But if you doubted from the onset, then you would just have those feeling in the marriage rather than trusting that we were going through a bad time if things went wrong.

Please don't limit yourself to having to travel before marriage. It feels like in thinking of commitment you see yourself with a family instantaneously but life doesn't work like that.

I'm glad you are enjoying playing lots of sports & seeing all your friends. I'm glad you don't have to feel guilty doing these things now I'm gone. If having lots of friends & playing lots of sport fulfills you then this is what you should do. I'm sorry I didn't understand your need to do these things. Maybe you should have explained. I didn't mind you doing these things or forbid you. But I did want for us to spend time together having fun. You didn't seem to want to.

I'm curious that it is only after 6 years that you decide you don't like certain aspects of my personality. Will you have to have another 6 year relationship in the future before you decide to commit? I am angry at you for saying this in your e-mail. I wonder if you have difficulty expressing clearly when things hurt you. I'm glad you respect me for loving all of you including your faults. I did this because I identified with your faults and saw them as human & I'm angry you couldn't do that for me. It hurts because it feels like I'm not a good enough person for you. The more time I spend away from you the more I realize this isn't necessarily the whole truth: I'm fed up of you making me feel like I'm not up to your standards. I feel that I am okay & that you could be a little more empathetic.

I'm glad you admit that it really matters to you to make a good social impression. I have seen you ***** about your friends to make a good impression. To me, that was not acceptable. To me that was disgusting.

It really hurts me to see who you are today because you used to be kind and caring. I'm glad you think about me everyday: I hope one day you realize that I am worth a lot & regret treating me like ****. I really cared for you. I was loyal to you & proud to call you my boyfriend. I was patient and understanding. I was supportive.

I stick by what I said at the end of our relationship: I don't know who you are anymore. Is the boy I fell in love with still there? I'm sorry I'm all about the safety & security. I hate who you've become. I want you to hurt. I wish I didn't.

You dump me and they re-release the Furby. Co-incidence? I think not. You are both annoying, expect to be fed & speak a load of crap. Maybe getting a Furby would help me miss you less.

I feel so low & lonely today. You really were one of the best things that happened to me in my life. I mourn that you don't seem to think the same about me. Somedays I feel strong but today I feel really weak.

I miss you. I'm so upset because if I ever saw you again I wouldn't know how to act. I miss waking up next to you. I miss arguing with you. I miss doing mundane things with you like watching TV. I clearly thought the world of you.

I hate how you've treated me. I hate how you can have been in a relationship with me for 6 years & then decide you don't see a future between us. I hate how I always feel it's my fault. I hate that you were always so selfish & could never compromise.

I felt that the one thing I understood & could rely upon was us & now I can't. I'm really confused & I don't know where I'm going.

I hate being awake today when I sleep I dream of you and you're kind to me in your dreams. I know it will pass but today I feel like a complete failure it will pass, it will pass, nothing is forever.

It just seems really tragic that we both love and care for each other but cannot even be friends because we cannot compromise & are too immature (by that I mean lack experience). I feel that I understand the type of love it takes to make a long term commitment but you don't. You will learn it by yourself, I hope, but don't see how it can be with me. That makes me really jealous. I really don't want to say goodbye to you. I know I will but I'm avoiding it I will know when it is right for me.

I miss you everyday. This has been one of the most difficult losses. I really don't want to let you go. I'm angry at life and us for letting this happen. Sadly it feels like someone has disproved the existence of God (I don't want to make that comparison). The flashbacks are happy but painful. The child part of me doesn't understand why something I love doesn't love me back: it is very innocent and believes dreams come true. I am safe & warm at least.

I don't want to miss you tonight but I still do. I miss the way you'd hug me to sleep. How can you be so confident that life will bring you love again? Do you have it with someone else? I don't understand how you could love me very much but not enough to commit. I miss you & I don't want to let you go

I hate the fact that you inhabit half my brain. I hate the fact that I get flashbacks of you (happy ones which make things seem like yesterday). I hate the fact that I paid attention to all those times when we we're lay in bed together & you had your arms around me: tried to really be in those moments rather than off in my mind. I hate grieving for my home when it seems like I was only there yesterday. I hate the fact that I saw you as my always but I was just your for now.

I hate the way you said we grew apart when really it was only you, if anything I grew more into you. I hate the way you said you've learnt about things for the future hence leaving me in the past. I hate the way that I liked you initially because I thought you were a good & caring guy who would care but you're not.

I really missed the old days when you cared about me. I can't help but think that that's because you didn't really know me.

Wow, now I miss you so much it hurts. I really want you to understand what this is like. I just want to see your ugly face. I hate you too smo.

I just had a thought...I don't think you're right for me. Thought I'd write it down to try & re-enforce it!

You said you loved me but felt that you didn't love me enough to marry me. You asked how someone knew if you could make a lifetime commitment. The real answer is you just don't know. You feel it but realistically you don't know. It's something that is easier to believe earlier in a relationship.

I feel so sad today. I truly wish I'd never had any faith in you or our relationship because it's such a disappointment to loose it. Today, I truly want to hide from the world. I must have been, and clearly still am, a bit delusional about who you actually were. I tend to be someone who puts themselves in the other persons shoes and it comes accross that you don't do this.

In your letter to me, it felt like you parroted back the things that I had said to you. It felt like you could never truly express your dislikes for fear of being disliked. Then you'd be passive aggressive. It hurts that you give up anything that isn't easy. It hurts that you gave up on us. It hurts that you see our relationship as something that has been and gone and something you have learnt from and apply in the future.

I really wish I didn't feel love for you. You have all the traits of someone who I wouldn't normally get along with: arrogance, lack of empathy & superiority. Maybe I thought these characters were evident of your age but actually they are just you!! I feel that, as you are disgusted by weaknesses, I am disgusted by your belief that weaknesses are weak. I feel like a parent when I say this but I'm so disappointed in you. I know we are all different though.

I really wish I didn't love you. I really want to just give up & let go. I feel so sad about who you actually are & I just want my feelings for you to go away. How does one cultivate indifference? I'm a bit indifferent to replying to your e-mail I suppose. I realize whatever I say won't get me anywhere but suppose I should have the decency to say: it was nice knowing you but I can never speak to you again. Get behind me Scotan!!

I'm still heartbroken. There is no hope for us. I understand that you just don't care enough to save what we had. On paper, I don't see why I feel like this: you're selfish, uncompromising and I feel that you view me as an object. As much as I've ever tried to talk to you, you don't listen. You are unable to put yourself in my shoes. It was nice when you weren't a total d**k. You said you wanted us to be friends but, to be honest, I've seen how you treat your friends.

I'm just scared that while you treated me like crap, you'll treat your next girlfriend like a queen. I'm scared that it's actually me who doesn't deserve to be treat right.

I wish I could get it out of my brain that you are my best friend. I hate how you've treated me.

I have a stinking cold. I wish I could hug you & feel better. I felt safe with you. But you don't want my sniffling cold or me. It's not attractive to you. Man, now I can't even have a cold without feeling like I'd drive someone away I never got colds this bad when I was with you because you did something to my immune system. Garr.

I'm still hurting. I thought it was getting better. It is I suppose. I'm just really sad. I know deep down that you loved and cared for me but you just couldn't see yourself with me in the future. I've given up trying to understand. I'm just devastated that it happened to us. I don't know if there is something going on with another person but I keep imagining them to be perfect. She cooks better, throws dinner parties and is always loving towards you. I feel disgusted at myself sometimes for being mean to you. I feel guilty for not being this 'perfect' woman. I know that that is unrealistic. I know I was very stressed with work.

It was your coldness that hurt so much. I wish you could have said something positive about us. I said to you that even if we parted ways that I would appreciate our relationship & the part you played in my life. You said nothing. You said the house would be cleaner without me. Would it be easier for me if I knew that you cared for me and respected me as a person: it would. I feel like someone who moaned too much & wasn't interesting enough.

It hurt so much when I said that what we had was special & enough to work for. It hurt that you didn't agree. It hurt everytime our friends called me your wife or asked when you would propose. It hurts that you haven't contacted me at all over the past 3 months not even to see how I am. It hurts to think of you going out with our friends. It hurts to think of you maybe even dating another woman (comparing her to me: how great she must seem). It hurts that I let myself love you & told you about it. It hurts that I was proud of you and told you about it. It hurts that I cared for you. It hurts that you could do none of these things for me.

I don't have very high expectations in life. Just realistic ones. I was happy appreciating who you were & I really did. I would have moments where I looked at you (normal moments) and loved you.

It hurts to know that I gave you such love & I get nothing in return. I gave you such devotion and receive none in return.

So is this it? Is this the end of us? Is this the end of our close friendship & long relationship? You tell me we have no future and can't make it work. That is all I get after 6 years. What is wrong with me? Will I check up on you in a few months time to find you engaged?

Whatever. It hurts to love. Don't completely trust. Don't believe you are worthy of a marriage. These are the messages that life is sending me?

You are free now. Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!

I'm full of cold. I had started thinking about letting you go but today is a step back. I don't know who I was to you. A replacement mother? A filler-in before the main event? A nagging woman trying to trap you forever? There and wouldn't go away? I remember when you invited those Mormons into our flat. They kept coming back cause you couldn't say no. Is that what happened to us? You couldn't say no till you had to? I feel disturbed having been with you for 6 1/2 years & not really knowing who you are I feel sad today. Things are changing very slowly. Just sad today. It will pass.

I just wish you'd show me kindness & compassion. Even as a friend to tell me how you were feeling about our relationship when it ended. You act like I don't deserve it. How after such a long relationship, which was loving, could you not explain to me? I just cannot comprehend your avoidance. I'm slowly taking the steps to move on. The difficulty with this is I want to tell you about it. I realise that you just don't care. I'm glad in a way that you haven't contacted me because I'm spending time with me & not being criticised for it. I don't know why we weren't right together. The resistance came from you. This freedom is what I needed but it's sad you broke my heart. Peace dude x

Although I miss you, care for you and love you I'm feeling a lot more at peace with myself. I don't know if it was how I thought, my job or our relationship that made things so hard. All I know is that when I was with you I didn't feel respected & appreciated. It seemed that I could do nothing right. I'm much more grounded now. I don't know if we are good together. I'm more about appreciating what's around me. I hope you find what you are looking for (maybe you already have). I really miss & love you but I don't miss our relationship. Maybe you're just not right for me either (but that has been your choice)

Why, why, why, why, why? I miss you. How can you not see what we had? Does everyone think you're stupid or do they support you? I'm not your enemy. Please see that.

You're really gone aren't you? My first love and partner for the past 6 1/2 years. I'd thought we were so lucky to have each other. I see a lot of myself in you and we have similar interests and family backgrounds. I know we argued a lot near the end but I never thought it was irreparable. I'm just so heartbroken to think that we couldn't talk things through properly before it ended. It was important for me to how you felt and you could never see us working out. I felt like you really just didn't care at the end and I felt objectified. To say: I can't see myself marrying you and it's not right make me feel like I'm missing something. What if I'm faulty and can never relate to others?

It hurts so much that you can throw away all our happy memories together. It hurts so much that you can throw us away. I love you so much. The thing is I took the time to love you that much because I wanted to. The thing is, you're so unique I don't think I'll ever find another like you (maybe it's for the best). You have been my bestfriend for so long and I feel so disrespected by what you have done.

What your actions are telling me is that you blame me or are just running away. It felt like you were with me in the end because in theory you knew I was a 'good girlfriend' but you were waiting to find something spectacular. I would do if there was nothing else. I thought you were a good boyfriend but didn't believe in spectacular people. It just hurts so much to know that I saw a future for us and you didn't. I've been rejected in the past but being rejected by the one person who knows me better than any other person really kills.

I keep having really vivid images of our home in my head and it's hard to think I won't be back. A part of my brain wants to believe in woman's intuition but I just don't trust my feelings anymore because they're all conflicted. I can't believe you cannot see what we had.

I hope you are skipping freely through the streets of our city. Enjoying the freedom you have without me. I hope life is care free. I fell in love with a decent man all those years ago. I want him back.

I've had some tough times through the past few years and they have brought me crashing down to earth. They have humbled me and made me realise I'm vulnerable and human. But this just makes me realise how insignificant I am. Truly. In a funny way I don't know if it's a blessing to know this. I've wondered if you've ever felt this vulnerability? I know you did once but you lost it at some point.

I get really sad because I could maintain my love for you but you could not do the same to me. I took time to appreciate you and what I had. My biggest mistake was my own lack of self care. I am truly so sad that we broke up. I'm sad you can't tell me why. It hurts that I could love you this way but you can't love me. I feel like there is something wrong with me.