Chalk

I've not written to you in a while and I'm happy about that. I do still think of you and miss you but there is some distance there. Your loss still makes me cry. Last night I was considering whether myself & a friend had something more than friendship. It is scary as I don't know how to progress & my fear of rejection is heightened at the moment. I looked back at our relationship & mourned how everything seemed to just fall into place. Those first kisses and your confidence meant a lot to me. I always thought that having experienced a relationship like ours I wouldn't fear beginning a new one but I do & it is infinitely more scary because of the rejection I have experienced.

Being on the recieving end of being dumped and rejected it is hard to pull myself up & put myself out there which is what I need to do. I don't feel worth it although logically I am.

I'm just confused right now & I think that's okay. I just wish it wasn't so f@&king scary!

This is Brie-lliant! X

And so, as I lie here

My head on your chest,

You ask 'What part of me do you love the most?'

Considering this I say 'your lungs'

A pink spongy army of alveoli

Methodically bellowed by your diaphragm

Enabling the gentle diffusion

Of oxygen accross your endothelium

Ensuring the phosphorylation

Of your ADP.

Well, you did ask!

And then I get days like this when I miss my best friend. And I feel trapped in life and can't escape.

In moments of difficulty, I crave your familiarity.

Today is my birthday. I really hoped I'd hear from you, but I didn't.

 

You'll hear from me instead...happy birthday x

It is, at times, hard to let go of familiar things about you and not romanticise them. I miss your hands. I miss your nails and fingers and palms. The first hands I ever truly held. The way I would circle my thumb in your palm as we walked through town together.

We learnt at lot together and it is hard for me to mourn that. I am generally happy and grateful for our relationship. I have little understanding of how you found it so easy to throw me away. I really hope it is for the best.

Sometimes it is said that the rejection of a break-up would be easier if that person had died. I can understand that: the rejection added to the loneliness is painful. But I'm so glad you haven't died. Even though your rejection hurts I am glad I am going through a living grief.

One of the things I find the hardest is the void that has been left. I feel that I cannot know enough people to replace your loss. It was easier sitting on my own & knowing you were there and loved me than...well...knowing you don't. I know, I know you love me as a 'friend' & I'm sure if I went through a horrific tragedy you wouldn't spit on me. There is a void though and it feels like I can only be distracted from it. I miss you. I don't know why as our relationship was not working...but life is like that.

I feel sad today. That is part of life. It too will pass.

I really miss my best friend. I'm really lonely back home without you. At this moment I want nothing more than to lying in your arms with the birds or playing MarioKart. I keep dreaming of the birds...I miss them. I miss your hands and arms. I miss your stomach. I miss your laugh. I think of your sister. I miss the way you would hug me every night before falling asleep.

It hurts so much that you say you care for me and want to be good friends. It's like you say I'm alright but just nit enough. Not loveable in a romantic way.

I feel so much more like myself these days and generally happier but I still miss you, or at least the old caring you. I'm feeling so very lonely at the moment.

I still love you and on some level I always will. I think you're a retard but that's nothing new...I loved the fact you were human. Aren't we all a bit retarded on some level.

It hurts when you say you care very much for me. I am happy on one level because I am validated but on another it just hurts. Why do I have to be the strong one to cut off contact with you?

I still miss you. I really appreciated the time we had together. I'm sorry I can't tell you that because I know it is not what you want to hear as it would make you feel guilty x

I do still miss you. After 6 years together it would be hard not to. I like remembering the times before you started to really dislike me. It really hurt to see you in those photos with another girl (who's hot by the way how'd you manage that one?).

I felt so down earlier today. I really let things overwhelm me. I'm feeling better now but it is hard. I'm getting to the point in my life where I want to settle down and have a family NOT be dumped by my long term partner and quit my job.

You are lucky not to be at this point or maybe it just wasn't with me. Maybe that's for the best really.

All I can do is focus on being me and doing the things I enjoy. I want to move on and maybe even start a new relationship but my head is still messed grieving your loss and the clock of life is ticking...tick...tick.

Wow. I think I've been replaced by a beautiful and kind looking girl. Sat in the middle of all our friends. I'm in shock. I don't know who the hell she is. I've never seen her before. Wow. Why is it so easy for some? You'll propose in a month and I won't be surprised. Wow. Just wow.

I hate not being able to sleep!!! I'm full of nervous tension and can't shake it. I don't want to be in a relationship with you but I miss rolling over and hugging you in the night. I'd listen to a radio show on my phone and drift off. I can't seem to do that now. I'm used to working really hard and now I'm not I find it hard to switch off at night. Then the mind races. I'm feeling very vulnerable.

I tell I do not want to keep in touch and your reply is thus:

'I understand that you don't want too much contact and we can go as slow as you want, but I think it would be a shame if we lost contact completely and were not able, one day, to be friends.'

I've had a really lovely day but it was a bit bittersweet: I longed to be in a bigger city. I'm feeling emotionally confused. To come home to this just made me cry. A sad cry. Not a panicky cry. I just want to be let go. You were my partner for 6 1/2 years. You broke my heart. I am suffering the painful grief that goes with loosing you. The looking back at happy times and mourning them. Missing what is familiar and second nature to me. Mourning our future together and fearing that I will never have another relationship.

I feel patronized by you. That I don't understand my own feelings but I feel I do. In my mind, I need to move forwards and I cannot do that being in contact with you. I'm not strong. I would feel in competition with you. I would compare myself unfairly to you and you would have a head start. I don't know how any future partner would feel about me being friends with my ex of 6 years. I would not want them to have that concern. That feeling of a missed special connection.

What you are saying in this e-mail is that you don't want to loose me as a person and you're trying to control that. To you it would be a shame that our friendship has ended.

To me, it was a shame that you didn't want to work on our relationship. To me, it was a shame I was with you for so long.

How can I be your friend when you hold so much power over me?

Let me live my life.

And pay me back my money.

I do still miss you and it confuses the hell outta me. I get such a familiar joy from looking back at our relationship. It was special to me. I guess I'm still grieving. How do I live alone?

I'm angry at my situation and I feel the right thing to do is take it out on you a bit!! I just always thought I would have a family. I don't know what the future holds but it hurts that we were together for so long and then you leave me at a time in my life where it gets harder to meet people. My biological clock is ticking as well.

I'm angry that you don't understand what it is like to have fertility problems, I'm angry because you knew I might have them. I'm angry because I'm scared of falling for someone but not being able to give them a family. And having a family is important to me as mine is very small.

I'm so angry at the way things have turned out. Sometimes I can be accepting that I may never find love or have children but sometimes it's hard to accept. It is hard to watch friend after friend get engaged and not have that.

So, while I appreciate that we weren't meant to be, it's not only your loss that I have to deal with but the loss of something much bigger. You don't have that because of being a man and not having had fertility issues.

I miss being at university, where everything was very social, and find it hard to be where I am. The age thing is very hard for me. I'm scared. I wish I had a brother or a sister who had family.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's all your fault you b**tard!

Actually, I don't know if I miss you or not.

I hung out with an old friend I hadn't seen in years on Friday. It was really nice. I only have good memories of him at school and we just talked. It felt so easy and comfortable and it was nice to catch up and talk about the past as well. I'm sad he doesn't live in this area anymore. I want to continue talking to him but it's a difficult. I find it hard to judge if there is something between us or not. I feel a bit infatuated to tell the truth.

I just thought it might be a good step in recovery to know that I can feel that feeling again. I would move slowly with this or not at all as he's someone I really respect & love as a friend. I am aware that I have the potential to idealize any future relationship after our break up hit me hard. I'm also aware I'm lonely. Emotions are confusing things. I like to be in control and find it hard to go with the flow!!!

I miss the stability of being in our relationship but whether I miss you? I don't think I do and that is moving forwards. I'm proud of myself for that.

I'm sad. When I spend time with people they're just not you. You were like a beautiful comfy slipper who I knew so well and even though you were a bit crap sometimes I wouldn't have swapped you for a better pair. I miss you. I really miss you. I feel like a bit of a failure at times being back home and not having that career I planned. It feels like you still have that career, our friends and freedom whereas I'm drifting, lonely and feel trapped. Where did my self belief go?

It feels like it was all meant to happen in the future and now I'm here and it didn't. I'm just confused and unsure I suppose. Something I've noticed about me is that I need 'reflection' time otherwise 'I can't see the wood for the trees'.

I miss you and I miss my old job and friends. I'm so gutted that we couldn't work through you 'loving me as a friend a.k.a wanting to go eff someone else'. To me a relationship is hard work and I don't understand how, when there is so much crap in the world already, you could just throw away how deeply we knew each other and all the things we had in common.

I know people are messed up and have there own issues but it just seems that I am here looking at what we could have and act accordingly. I miss the fact that it doesn't work that way and I don't seem to reap what I sow? Am I too righteous? I don't know.

Massive confused sigh...

I've missed you a lot more these past few days and it's real achy I just want to spend time with you kinda ache. Just want to come home and watch tv with you, I just want to come home and hug you, I just want to come home and ay with the birds together. I miss the little bird cuddles I used to get...they would cheer me up after a bad day at work. I want to talk to you about my day and our degree. I want to know what you're doing.

I miss the playful side of us because I can't express that here living with my parents. I'm feeling upset because our friends in Scotland had an engagement party. You would have been invited and maybe have gone. Maybe you took a partner if you have one. You saw all our friends and had fun. They will naturally have a stronger bnod to you as you now all live in the same place and the majority work with you. There is no point in them getting involved in a break up and they won't. So, while I am isolated you are not. I'm scared that you will just slip someone new in my place and it will feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I really don't want to miss you. You treated me like crap at times but I do and it hurts. I feel like I just want you to remember all the good things I am and come back. Then I question if I'm any good at all

I miss you again tonight. I miss having someone my age I could come home to and speak with on the same level. Granted I'm idealizing...you probably moan at me about dinner then get more grumpy when it wasn't what you wanted or healthy enough. I miss having someone to play with...to hug, to tickle...again idealized as near tue end you'd brush me away and say I was annoying. So again, I miss the old us. I wonder if, when it wasn't just us in the past you were happier because you had someone to bully and someone to play with? It's just when it became just us it seemed like I was suddenly the enemy. I'm a lazy person...I don't understand how starting from scratch is better than improving on something already there. I feel that you have to have a perfect relationship to prevent your parents marriage. Maybe you will. Who knows.

There are little things that make me miss you. I can get through them but they catch. Today I started a temporary contract, nothing fancy. One of the girls was speaking about how she was looking after a chick and had chickens. I said I'd always wanted chickens...I'd wanted to recall how we wanted to own chickens together and that one of your first presents to me was an encyclopaedia of chickens. But I couldn't without looking like someone who is crazy obsessed by her ex. I left that book at the flat as it upset me too much. I find it difficult to treasure that memory without getting confused about our relationship and what I was to you. It makes me miss you.

I know you don't ever see us getting back together because you just love me 'like a friend' now. I know you are getting on with your life and are seemingly good at that kind of thing. How do you not think of things we have done together and miss me? There is probably someone there in my place.

When I do something new or encounter something you'd like to know about I find it hard not to want to share it with you. Then I worry that I shared too much with you and that's why you ended up hating me.

I find the depth I know a person 10x more valuable than the amount of people and I've found the end of our relationship hard as it feels like a wasted investment.

I miss who you were and not who you became. I am jealous of you staying in Scotland with our mutual friends. I worry that you will move on quick and then get engaged quickly because all of our friends are getting engaged now and having babies.

Einsteins_girl, just gotta say - this is exactly how you could describe my relationship with my ex. EXACTLY. It's so helpful to read your post and realize that I'm not the only one who is going through something like that.

I second that.

You know yesterday, had we been together, would of been 7 years. I wasn't particularly bother yesterday but for some reason tonight I am. I thought of when we went to look at that house for the mortgage and got confused. I don't see how things could have turned out like they have done. But that's my love isn't it and not yours. You don't love me in that special way. To you I am just a friend.

I miss you. I don't want to miss you or cry over your loss but I still do. I couldn't go back because I know that it wouldn't be good for me. You were angry at me for some unknown reason that you wouldn't express. I don't want to love you or miss you. I wish I could take it out of my head. What if I'm just too weird or difficult to be in a relationship with? X

I get confused when I miss you because I don't know who I miss. I don't miss being the 'sole' cause of all the difficulties in your life. Are you blissfully free now? Or do you blame something else? I loved you but you changed. Was it me that changed you for the worst? No, I don't believe that really. I miss the boy who I played othello with in the spare room. I felt so guarded during the early part of our relationship, which looking back was appropriate, whereas you were not. My love grew each day and yours started off with a bang and then diminished.

I do not want to miss you. It makes no logical sense.