Chalk

I wish we could speak to each other like adults. It's not just you but me as well. I wish we'd both behaved like adults in our relationship but how could we when it was our first serious relationship. Part of me wonders if that this is the reason I have trouble letting go: I'd been so lucky to find someone, waiting had been worth it.

I could only see a future for us if we both matured. I acted very needy & expected you to parent me but you acted childish too. You were very selfish in your needs & when I asked for something you didn't step back & listen, like an adult & put yourself in my shoes. When we were living together, we cared for the flat as individuals & not a team. It almost seemed important to you to always have the power.

I don't know if there are better people out there for us. I'm so confused because when I first met you you appeared very kind & caring. Part of me wonders if you have narcissistic traits (or is that the dependant in me?). You did put me down at times.

This time away from you is good. I'm learning who I am again. It so painful though. I miss my right arm xxx

Do you miss me? I try really hard to think that you do. I don't know if you will or if you will just feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Sometimes I think the only emotion you will feel is guilt & not regret. Or nothing at all.

I can't stop thinking of you. Because I've moved back home I feel like a child again and not the busy 'professional' I was. I want to talk to you about all the things that I think went wrong & have you discuss them with me then make a plan of how to make things work. Although, it would probably be like our heating summit of 2011: the electric heater made a reappearance!!

I miss our in jokes. I miss Evie the retarded budgie. I even miss our stinking kitchen (do you have a flatmate now?). I miss the way that every night you would hold me in your arms & we would fall asleep.

I'm sorry I had no self confidence. I'm sorry I became so stressed and work and couldn't put it down. I'm sorry for not having more self respect. I told you you'd be happier with someone else & that I could never change. You weren't supposed to believe me!! You were supposed to remember the me inside.

There were glimpses of that there & when I showed it you seemed confused.

Looking back I'm glad you never asked me to marry you because we would of failed: my low self esteem & your lack of ability to accept me for who I was. I pray that you grow from this but I'm not convinced you will.

I'm really sad because I think if we both matured a little & took a step back & had belief to make it work it could. Couldn't it? I don't know because I've only ever seen my parents marriage which is happy.

I just want to take away all the resentment that we've built up from living together & both working really stressful jobs & be close to you again. I did suggest we went on holiday but you continued to pull away

I don't know who I'm writing to in my head. I'd been with you for over 6 years. I knew the best of you & your worst. My mistake was forgiving you your worst & believing in your best. After all these years I don't know who you are. I feel humiliated that I loved you so much. I'm a total catch (apart from the crippling self doubt!!). I only think you'll miss me if you don't find what you're looking for. Which sucks cause right now I miss you. I didn't think you were perfect but I loved you. Maybe I should have listened more to you faults.

I'm too tired to be the bigger person. You knew how important getting married & having children was for me. You weren't sure I was 'the one' and yet instead of ending it or looking into it you just stopped caring and treated me like crap. You let it drag on for 6 1/2 years. You let me hope & dream that we would be together. What hurts is that I really want you to feel the pain that I'm feeling but I know you won't. You'll just feel relief. You just meet a girl & be so enamoured by her that you'll marry her & be happy. You won't feel any of this pain. I wish I was big enough to wish you happiness but I want you to hurt like you hurt me

I'm really feeling angry at you right now. If I saw you, I'd want to hug you then rip off your glasses & stamp on them!! Then I'd laugh because you're going bald, which was always fine by me but your ridiculous idea of a hair transplant wasn't. Then I'd give you a good hard kick in the balls to make you man up!

I hope you do realise how much you miss me. We were going through a difficult time & you bailed. Hope you find greener pastures. Enjoy emptying the bin, cooking for yourself, cleaning the animals, cleaning the loo, buying toilet roll. Enjoy paying bills - especially the council tax.

I hope your arrogance is your undoing. I was thinking of saying maybe this episode would bring you closer to your dad but I've realised that your dad stuck with your mum while she was suffering. I wish I'd had more self respect & kicked your sorry ass tothe curb & long time ago. I find it ironic that those who you stay in touch with have low self esteem. The ones who don't, the ones who helped you talk about your emotion are avoided.

I think it's disgusting that you forget people's birthdays & never sent your little sister presents all those years. I hate how you seem to think you're naturally good at everything and I hate how you seem to think you are 'the nice guy'. Sometimes you're not and you always try and wheedle your way out when you're not or become extremely self rightcheous. The appropriate way to listen to someone when they bring up an issue is to listen & take it on board not to try & hug them till they forgive you.

That girl you hang around with (not the one you like) is toxic. I feel sorry for her. She is very needy & she uses her sexuality to hook in guys as friends then drops them when she has no need for them. I hated how all you guys used to fawn after her. Well now she's pregnant & engaged after about 2 months and she'll drop you like a brick when she leaves the country. She had you all wrapped around her little finger. She slept with X because she was lonely and yet he still thinks she's great?!?

You used to talk to me like a child. That was not okay but you never listened when I asked you not to. You said I needed to be spoken to like a child. **** YOU. I'm sorry I've been stressed about work, I'm sorry I had no self esteem, I'm sorry I'm an anxious person. I'm sorry I changed. You never saw me for the person I was when I was better. You didn't care anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore. Work & you have sucked it all out of me. I'm so glad I have my family. I feel like I'm getting back to being myself. I don't know if I want you anymore. I hate you & love you. I think if we could listen to each other and talk about things and work them out together we'd be okay but you can't step up to do that.

I'm sorry it dragged on for 6 1/2 years. I wish I'd loved you & depended on you less. I wish I'd kicked your ass a long time ago because you needed it.

I hope the grass is greener. I hope you find out what's 'right'. I hope it's all as perfect as you want it to be. I'm a good thing. I'm almost glad you dumped me so I can see who you really are.

How do I learn to walk without gravity?

I awoke one morning and it had gone

I put my foot on the floor only to find it on the ceiling.

I must admit I felt the judders,

Little earthquakes that knocked me for six

But, dear gravity, you always returned to keep me in the right place.

Now I am spinning, with arms and legs flailing.

I reach for the ground but only see it half the time and then it's a blur.

I question, how does one live like this?

Others seem to float freely,

Others forget that gravity existed (the birds for example seem quite content).

Oh gravity, did you ever truly exist?

Please tell me because I'm in such a spin I do not know.

My head says adapt, adapt but my heart whispers: come back to me

If you think about it, the neurones in our brains are so used to thinking about us together (or sorry my neurones) that they physically need to rewire.

I dream of you every night but they're never good dreams.

I want to talk to you so badly but I'm still hurting pretty bad so it probably wouldn't be wise. Hope you're having a nice life. You always seemed so happy despite the crap that happened to you so I know you'll be fine xxx

Gosh, I really am needy to keep writing (but in fairness I'm off work sick & staying back home with my parents!)

I thought I'd say, even though you will think it's a lie but thanks you for never asking me to marry you even though I wanted it. I've got a lot more to learn before I take that step. It's liberating to know that. I really want you to know that BUT I don't see the point in letting you bask in your own glory because I want you to learn from this too. I pray you do because even though I know I've done a lot wrong to cause the end of our relationship too, you did too. Still miss you, imaginary bestfriend who wasn't x

P.S: every little thing reminds me of you. I really feel like eating crackers with cheese but don't think I can because you like crackers & cheese *vomits*. Also, I find tesco emotionally scaring as it reminds me of our weekly shop & getting fruit for the parrots. This makes me laugh & think how odd you are and then that makes me sad because I love you for it.

I always think contacting you is a good to do but would probably regret it. I'll post on here and re-read in the light of day.

Although you dumped me, I could see that it really hurt you because I'm very kind and caring. I know you've shut off emotionally from me now cope. I know you wanted to express that you felt really guilty for dumping me because your mum suferred from depression. I'm sorry said you couldn't e-mail me about it because I was too hurt. I don't know if you will talk to someone about it but I hope you do because I don't want it to blow up in your face. Maybe I'm the cuckoo one tho and you know what your doing. Which is why I shouldn't contact you.

I really, really, really want to let go like you so we can both be happy.

Still love you, hopelessly & silently

Even though you're the one that broke up with me I'm still saying sorry to you!! Old habits die hard. I'm sorry I didn't know how to deal with my stress with work & low-self esteem & pushed you away. I'm sorry that when I got low I just got needy and clingy. I'm sorry I pushed you about the marriage thing but it's been 6 years. If only you'd continued to have the empathy you had at the beginning but I wore you down.

The lesson I need to learn is to like myself but it's tough. You've been my best friend & I want to tell you how I've been doing & the things I've found out. I've been doing well, actually, despite outbursts like this. I'm learning to be me again & it actually okay. I'm not being mean to myself as much.

I think I need this whether we get back together or not. The sad thing is, I think you left me a long time ago and I didn't realise. Which is why I'm posting on here. I really wanted it to be you and despite my better judgement I still love you.

And space...and breath..:

Day 1:

On why: because I'm still very attached to him and if I don't do this I won't move on. There are obviously things I need to learn from this pain and if I keep chasing him I won't learn. I can't get into the hope/let down cycle of friendship. A small, deluded part of me hopes he realised how much he misses me and has made a mistake!!

How's it going: it totally would have 2 days but he texted me saying 'know this is a stupid question but how are you?'. I wanted to text back 'i've moved cities, lost my pets, my hope of a future and possibly my job. Every moment I think of you and can't stop crying. My doctor prescribed me zopiclone so I can sleep and I can't eat anything. So I'm feeling wonderful you pr**k.' Alas, I did not I just said: 'Please do not contact me unless you wish to reconcile. It hurts me as it gives me false hope'. To which he replied: 'I still want us to be on speaking terms'. To which I said... nothing and still haven't. I deleted his texts so I wouldn't reanalyse them for hints of love.

Good luck everyone!! I've been lurking on these pqges for a few days and its helped x